The Rust Lang Ecosystem — Trans Megathread for the week of December 16, 2024, to December 22, 2024
The Rust Lang Ecosystem — Trans Megathread for the week of December 16, 2024, to December 22, 2024
A language empowering everyone to build reliable and efficient software.
from rust-lang.org
Rust by itself is a great language, but what really makes it shine are its many great crates. The ecosystem around rust is one of the best there is, and its documentation is practically unrivalled. So lets look at some of those crates!
actix-web
Actix-web is an amazing web server framework for rust. It's modular, easy to use, intuitive and fast. It's also what lemmy is built on! So when you use this very site, you are using something build with actix!
Bevy
Bevy is a code first game engine for rust, based on the ECS paradigm. It's incredibly refreshing and different from most other engines. It is also unbelievably modular, in fact, just about every part of the engine cam be removed or added as you please! If you are every looking for something simple to play around, try bevy!
Tokio
The backbone of most asynchronous rust. It provides everything needed to build reliable, fast web applications!
Serde
Serde is the go-to library for serialization and deserialisation in rust. Its derive macros make it a breeze to use, and there are countless crates supporting various formats with Serde!
SQLx
SQLx is an amazingly simple sql handling crate. It is both feature rich and yet simple, and just a joy to use!
Reqwest
A neat little crate for sending http(s) requests! It's also used in Lemmy, and just about anywhere else where someone needs to do get some thing from an http(s) endpoint!
And this is far from all! Rust is a lovely language, with an even more amazing ecosystem!
Have an amazing week, everyone!
Join our public Matrix room! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well. Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
AshenWolf* (12/23 - 12/29) SadArtemis (12/30 - 1/5) Eco* (1/6 (The Darkest Day in Our Democracy.) - 1/12) Yukiko (1/13 - 1/19) oscardejarjayes* (1/20 - 1/26) SwitchyandWitchy* (1/27 - 2/2) SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (2/3 - 2/9) EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
wife gonna wake me up at 7am
so I can have a normalish sleep schedule for when we go to her parents for Christmas and to go shopping
and I know I’m gonna get very little sleep before then.
bonus post, body weight stuff
I keep staring at my new ID, the floofy curly hair, the ridiculously dark circles under my eyes, the gaunt cheeks. Do cheeks actually go gaunt on estrogen? 'Cause mine sure as hell have since I last got my picture taken for ID five years ago, even though I have only gained weight...
idle thought, discussion of pretty nsfw shit, queerphobia, internalised transphobia, severe brainrot, honestly what the fuck
Honestly don't read this
I read The Masker by Torrey Peters a few months ago and it cracked my brain in half, again.
It was the first trans fic I've read since my brain cracked in half for the third time, after I realised that gender was fuckin fake shit. I wasn't really expecting that to have a great impact on My Personal Quest, but I think it did honestly. The Masker is more or less an exploration of trans sexuality, of the whole fictionmania, nifty forcefemme/sissy/whatever phenomenon in closeted transfemmes. It's posed as forcing its protagonist (Krys, closeted half-aware crossdressing-kink poster) to make the choice between siding with one of two sides in a scuffle at a local trans meetup group thingy:
You have Sally, the harshly cisnormative, gatekeeping, binary sex shamer trans woman. She's sort of like halfway between a Susan's Place boomer and an imageboard assimilationist, if you know what I mean. Her bit is that she's pissed she has to share space with the Masker, Felix. She's all like, "I didn't go through everything"--Sally waves up and down her body--"to be in the same club with that kind of pervert," that sort of thing. Also she is a former cop.
Then there's Felix. He (using the novella's pronouns) is the filthy dirty fuck-yourself-you-are-a-hot-girl crossdressing fetishist who moonlights as an attractive young man when he's not wearing silicon women's skin. He's not overly complicated beyond being an absurd misogynist, I guess. They both kind of represent extreme ends of that one crackpot transphobe guy's typology, weirdly. Such is life on imageboards, I guess.
Krys sort of exists at the intersection of both, shame, gender envy and "you will never be a woman" instinct bubbling together alongside real fuckin validation and enjoyment from dirty sissy stuff and forcefem fiction. An instinct to dress up pretty and femme, take photos of a highly indecent nature. You know, the good stuff.
The crux of the plot is basically that Krys is involved with both of them, and they both like her for their own weird reasons. Sally views her as a Not Like Other Crossdressers, and Felix is a weird horny fucker who's willing to cosplay a beautiful effeminate man for Krys. But Felix keeps showing up to local transfemme events and Sally hates him to death for it, basically taking a transmed gatekeeper stance on him. She wants Krys to phone the cops on him when the next local transfemme event is held at a very transphobic casino, except Krys is an allosexual fiend and reveals, while Felix is palming her crotch, this plan. Felix demands she call the cops on Sally instead.
The Masker seemed like it should be horrifying and distressing to me, like it's just brainworms in a can. It sounds like it should be a brainrotter, right? Better books than this have dealt me psychic damage in past. Honestly though, I think I appreciate its outlook at the end of the day. It's a very blunt rejection of the typology; both Sally and Felix are misogynists at the end of the day, right? Whatever their specific views, they both come down to weird exclusionary gatekeeping shit. So, fuck em.
The most telling thing about The Masker in this respect, though, is that it's far from the least sexual thing I've ever read. Passages describing Krys' sexual escapades are written with a close intimacy and a total lack of judgement. It has detail that verges on tender: Krys hasn't or can't decide what to call her anatomy. I've never heard the term "pink fog" before, but it's like, Oh Yeah, okay. The Masker says: Fuck Yourself. You can do both, you don't have to make a choice between these because they're bullshit constructions, and they're not really reasonable ways of relating to your body. It's fascinating. I kinda dig it.
Thing is, I doubt I would have been able to take any of this in a year ago. Again I suspected this book was gonna be excruciating, but I think the whole bit where my brain got rewired was really healthy for me, I guess. I think I had a lot more fucked up stuff woven into that than I realised, which sadly is not surprising.
It helps to be able to view binary genders--"woman" in particular--as constructed and heterosexual in this context, the way The Gender Accelerationist Manifesto describes, instead of as some sacred totem not to be infringed upon. I think that conception, the hopeless grasping of binary gender for validity caused a lot of strain to me when I read these things before. People are allowed to do funny things with gender. I think I am finally reading with a combined sense of slight remove and greater understanding. It's really cool.
I'm sitting here wondering if I need to go re-address other stuff I've read. I think I'd maybe feel a lot better about Manhunt with this in mind, but I doubt Light from Uncommon Stars would be greatly improved by this view, Idk. I'm pretty sure this is a net positive though, because I'm pretty sure Psycho Nymph Exile would have been harder to read before.
TL;DR lines like "Maybe I don’t pass as a woman, but at least it looks like I eat their hormones" and "The dress is classic sissy fetish-- super-pretty boys dressed in ridiculously feminine satin outfits-- frills and bows dripping in profusion not seen on a cis woman since the fall of the Austro-Hungarian empire" now make me laugh instead of groan, which I dig
I think my brain is melting, it's not good. I am distressed and exhausted. Not feeling good. I don't really know why or how, but them's the breaks. I am flattened. I just feel like it isn't going well. Is there drugs for this? Why haven't I gone to the weedstore yet?
I'm just fuckin stressed and worn out which I hate. Idk what to do.
lightly nsfw
Also shaving my bits is really fuckin annoying and difficult and I still get nicks everywhere, but the feeling of being smooth is fuckin awesome. I have not arrived at a real solution if there is one; using Nair down there all the time seemed like a bad solution.
I got beaten by the flu on my day off, figures you don't sleep for long enough and eventually shit like that will come for you, ended up having to take a day off work too, which sucked.
Now for the day's weak rant, on some reddit shithole people were praising some bourgeois redditist scumlord for being able to drive home on a Canadian freeway since some shit on his Tesla gave out so he had no heat nor front windshield defroster, he comments he wouldn't have been able to go home without AI and everyone was liek 'so brabe', he had to do that one day, I do that near every fucking day in winter, no AI, its called use a sharp Dollar Tree squeegee every so often to scrape the ice from your inner car window and a rag covered with deicer. Also, dress like an Antarctic explorer while your coworkers giggle that you're from California, too soft to be in the midwest. If it wasn't here I told the Korean war vet that's a regular shopper at work story I'mma tell it again, deal, supposedly he was a tank driver and they abandoned the tanks because heat stopped working and he loved to go on and regale everyone how cold it was. I was reminded of the Lake Tianjin film.
The heatercore in my usual antique for the mid 90s has been clogged for years and its a pain and a half access hoses out and its already a cobbled up precarity since some other mechanic de jour probably broke something, so not happening, and this winter no front windshield defroster for me as well (good thing I got that clank truck with half of everything wrong with it right?) Damn truck's is partially clogged, and I haven't had a chance to look at it, I'm either sick or working like a donkey, so its much of the same shit but at least when I get home like 40min later the heat might kick on, if I get blessed by the right Frost-based deity, vs in my precious classic I've driven 3-4hrs like that, it be like 6F outside and body-heated car inside. Its fun closing and my angry coworkers waiting on me (we all gotta drive away safely), they don't seem to comprehend the idea of no heat, 'tee hee tamagotchi, just wait for your car to heat up', listen buddy, I don't want to wait until Spring. Mechanics here would charge what I make in a month to maybe fix shit, so nah.
Shit always makes me think of the Martian, though its a poverty-induced survival deal. Just lil babies need to get on my level, wouldn't damn survive.
Guy who thought he was cishet all his life despite all friend groups being lgbtq+
spoiler
that was me
doctor related stuff, not gender I guess
I feel like I have no frame of reference for letting things go. Like, a couple of years ago my insurance got rejected and I had to stop seeing a doctor that I had seen for well, most of my life.
I was scheduled for an appointment and walked in and got turned away. I almost flipped out. But I never saw my doctor again, and that's frustrating, it's like, you were my doctor, did you care? I liked this person and they didn't address the abrupt nature with which things ended. They still see my mom! but probably forgot about me
Like, to me, in the bigger picture, there is no moving on without addressing how things end. I do not like not understanding. I feel betrayed when things change and I am kept out of the loop. How am I supposed to trust a doctor to talk about more serious stuff if they can just deny me and then my medical history and everything is sitting in the office of someone that I don't wanna call because they don't wanna see me anymore.
depressed wooooo
Like, yeah, no wonder people disengage from health as a concept. Because it's a goddamn business in this country and that makes people cynical about wasting their own money on something that they need. Unbelievable.
It is frustrating to feel like nobody even conceives any of this in the same way as me.
I hate that I am trapped with these feelings. This sucks
And I don't have those people who tap your shoulder and say "hey you seem tired" , I still think socializing is goddamn magic and people who have those kinds of bonds can seem blissfully unaware of how circumstantial everything about their surroundings really is. Lose it all once and see if it ever comes back the same.
My gf says my hair can be kind of wavy.
I feel like I should do co-washing or something different to it to better take care of it, but idk what.Didn't realise a pfp could give me genuine irl gender euphoria wtf
been feeling very gender today
is niceToday is so
I know there was a whole thing about Nirvana and Kurt Cobain and Gender but I was listening to The Smashing Pumpkins and damn, some of the lyrics and songwriting smacks of Gender
I know part of it is my own feelings and being really into them as a kid and teenager but like
It all goes wrong, she sets things tragic
She is Venus, she is Mars
She's electric and the struggler
Upon the face we leave no trace
But in her stomach Mercury aged
She holds the blood, she carves the knives
She digs the wires in our babies
("Annie-Dog" from Adore)
More from that and Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness really read as uh, at least conflicted about gender stuff
every so often i'll see a cool image from warhammer 40k and think that i want to learn more. every time i choose not to, and that's probably for the best
i don't think that people are born for a reason, but if they are i hope mine is to publicly stone michael mcintyre to death for crimes against humanity
alcohol, nicotine, self crit, bit of preening too, dysphoria and some weird sexuality discomfort stuff
Telling myself "I'll stop drinking and smoking again after New Year's"
Neglected my upper body shit and just did cardio today but honestly had my best session ever??? Hit 1111 kcals burned on incline treadmill in one sesh and was going for more than an hour without a break
Did good on household chore stuff and the kitties were pretty good today
Feeling weird about myself tbh
Like, not even necessarily bad but odd, I've felt a bit more masc/butch than I usually do lately and I dunno what to make of that
Part of it is presenting kinda more androgynous and spending a lot of time in proximity to gym bros and not wanting to stand out too bad in an uncomfortable way and masking my gender shit and queerness
Part of it could be endocrinology shit from exercising a ton and my levels might be out of whack in a more masc skew
Libido's been higher than usual? Kind of an annoying chore tbh, I've kinda felt like I did fairly early into both of my puberties where it was like "goddamit, seriously again??"
Feel bad about looking at random ppl with some thirst, especially women and feel bad about feeling like my attractions and impulses are too male and feel bad for the women like in the abstract just from being attracted to them
Feel bad about weird smut shit I've looked at that was hot and then immediately off-putting after uh, interest wore of because off uhh, accomplishing the goal there
Have some weird feelings and thoughts about gender and sexuality and idk if I wanna get into them now but idk, feel weird
I neglected some self care grooming shit today just out of exhaustion and feel bad about it
I feel like I'm craving some feminine social interaction and femmy stuff for myself, I don't remember the last time I wore makeup or dressed up or did a manicure and I feel like I'm neglecting part of myself and feel kinda sad about it
Generally lonely and weird feeling
Idk, but I'm glad to be able to post here and interact with you lovely ppl
Got a compliment on my hair, which I am generally self conscious about. That was pretty nice
💤
body dysphoria, weight dysphoria
Weighed myself and I've gained 50 pounds in 7 months. Fucking rough. Like I'd prefer to be healthier but I wouldn't mind being this weight, the main issue is most of the fat still goes straight to my stomach, so it just makes me feel dysphoric. Need to get back into exersizing and watching what I eat. Maybe that'ld help with my depression too.so i have another rant to go off on, need to write it down so i can move on. warning, it's very long and might include things you don't want to read
i got surgery on my mind cw: bottom/trachea surgery, dysphoria, transphobia
i think i want bottom surgery, i mean i'm pretty sure of it now. i was saying shit like "if i lived in a cyberpunk-type universe i'd be getting a robopussy immediately" years before my egg cracked so honestly it doesn't feel too new. i would wonder about how the sensations and experience would feel and how it would differ from my own. but i really wish these feelings were uninfluenced by outside forces so i could be confident that they are mine
outside force #1 - state department of births deaths and marriages. (probably bad opsec but fuck it) i was born in the only state in the country that still requires bottom surgery to change the sex on my birth certificate. i don't vote in their elections, i've spent less than a fifth of my life living there, i will never willingly go back, but my legal sex depends on their government policy. there's ways to get around this mattering too much (i.e. passport gender marker) but that requires another series of processes that i've been putting off. the consequences of this were most apparent when the lady updating my legal name on my driver's license asked if i wanted to update my title. i said "yes, of course please" and she typed some shit on her computer before sighing and responding "sorry, i actually can't change it to Miss since your birth certificate states your sex is male." fuuuuuuuuuuck... so these fuckwits say that i'm not legally able to stop being male until i can find someone to fuck around with these gonads i've been blessed (cursed) with? oh and these laws are still standing under the "more progressive" party's state leadership? wow that's so cool
outside force #2 - my partner... ughhh i don't really want to go into this one so i'll keep it short. i love my partner, she loves me. she loves me as a woman, she treats me like a woman, she even fucks me like i'm a woman but she's against "non-necessary surgery". she's scared of the risks and doesn't like the idea of me disliking a part of my body so much that i would undergo expensive, intensive surgery to change it. she's come around to "you do want you want" but i still can't discuss it with her and i really need to talk about this shit with someone (preferably with the person that knows me better than anyone else). i got questions like "do i find someone here or go to Thailand?", "do i want a full vagina or would i be happy with just a labia?", "how do i know this is what i really want?", "what does recovery look like?", "how will this impact our sex life?", and i can't answer them all on my own
(bonus round!) outside forces #3 - family. i've never liked the idea of the tracheal shave. i don't love the prominence of my larynx but i've never been told it looked bad. considering my entire appearance, it is the feature i pay the least attention to. yet, it seems like the closest family i have feel they have the right to ask "so are you going to get surgery for your Adam's apple?" or casually drop "you know, nobody could tell if it wasn't for your Adam's apple." i didn't know that people had the power to create a new dysphoria in my mind after months of transitioning but here we are ¯\(ツ)/¯
so what can we learn from all of this? idfk; death to cis, abolish gender, fuck the state? if you have better ideas do let me know :3. i'm not feeling too sad about most of this, mainly just angry but without any kind of outlet (except you peeps, ily trans mega <3)
I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming I hate programming
Anyway ive been programming a lot. I got the latest api version implemented, and im trying to make a gui client and i hate it. Im not supposed to write gui code ive decided. I can make the api bindings, i can make a framework to use, but i cant make a gui to save my life. I just want to make a trivial client to show off my api code, but noooo, cause every time i try to write gui code i end up so turned around. I can deal with thread safety headaches so easy but the gui THE GUI IS HURTING ME PLEASE GUI STOP HURTING ME!!!
No matter how bad my life is going, at least I have amazing hair genetics. I will always have beautiful lustrous curly hair
I lost something, can't find it, don't even remember when I last had it, and the anxiety is really getting to me. I can't even verify whether or not it's at home until the morning. If it's not, then my anxiety will have been justified and I'll probably begin to panic.
Fun times, fun times. At least I got to see my friend again :)
(My PFP continues to be an accurate representation of how I feel...)
kicking off the holiday weekend with leftover chili cheese fries 😎 (only the chili is leftover, the fries were prepared today)
dealing with cis people, transphobia, discussion of sexuality, rambling
so i've got a friend who is, ostensibly, a cis het dude who's been making seemingly joking claims to transness and queerness for years now and i'm not certain how i feel about it or what to do about it?
i've had open and frank discussions with him about transness in the past; he's the token cis het in our circle of otherwise entirely queer late bloomers which had at times made him wonder if he may not actually be cis, and i told him that if he wanted or needed to experiment with things like names or pronouns to figure some stuff out we'd be more than happy to be the space where he could do that but he never took us up on the offer.
we've also had conversations about his sexuality; his last long term partner was enby who has taken steps of masc social transition. they were not out when the two started their relationship and got married, so he wasn't certain if this meant he was still straight. i told him at the time he had claim to queerness if he wanted it, but when the cards are on the table he's always said he's het and he always consistently referred to his partner as his wife even after they came out (they were okay with it at the time).
at first i was fine with his joking claims to queerness, like haha yeah it's kinda funny that you're the only one of us who didn't turn out to be queer, but after splitting with his ex he's been showing his whole ass on internalized transphobia and misogyny in other ways and now the jokes just piss me off. having him be like "bUt WhAt iF i'M nOt" every time it's brought up that he's cis or het is just fucking exhausting.
i don't wanna gatekeep because i know he's questioned before and a lot of people i know (myself included) didn't figure out their transness or their sexuality until adulthood, but every time it comes up i just wanna yell at him to shit or get off the pot dude.
am i treating him with kids' gloves? should i be bringing down the fucking hammer? idfk. i'll probably just slowly cut him out.
they gave out scented candles in the gift bags at work and I think I'm going to have to become a scented candle gal. My life is going to be like that dril tweet
spoiler
suicide
I just keep thinking about it all the time. I can't stop. There's not any other solution. I don't want to continue to suffer and all of my issues will continue to plague me forever. I just wish I could die in my sleep instead.
I'm a pathetic quiter and honestly everyone is right about me. I just don't try hard enough and seeing how hard I'd have to try, I don't want to. Its not worth the struggle.
Been offline for a couple of days as I've been travelling to spend christmas with my family. Things have been going great so far. My mom was always completely supportive but a little awkward about things, but she seems to have overcome that and is using my new name more and more, and while my dad does not, he no longer deliberately misgenders me either, so I hope he's on the right path. Extremely grateful to my sister who's always been super supportive. She's also LGBTQ so unlike my parents she knows what a trans person is. Just lifts a burden of my shoulders to have at least one person who just understands without me needing to explain everything, and she's even offered to talk to our grandparents about it if I don't want to. I think the fact that she's been using my name and has been gendering me correctly since the moment I told her I was trans makes it easier for my parents to do the same.
I'm not out to most of my relatives because I don't keep in contact with them and live far away, but I'm 100 % done with boymoding, so I'll just show up as myself and they can think whatever. Kinda looking forward to seeing how they react tbh
Happy holidays and Merry Christmas to trans chat. If your birth family sucks hopefully you have or had a better celebration with your friends/found family.
CW: dysphoria, family, transphobia, religion
Man, having to performatively boymode for the family (not out to any of them) for Christmas is already wearing me down, and I haven't even left town (they came for my commencement yesterday, and are going back today). Not doing makeup really sucks. I do want to spend time with my siblings, but I may have to figure out an excuse to duck town earlier than I hoped. I am glad that my adult sister isn't coming home until after Christmas: she's tolerable and can even be sweet sometimes 1-on-1 but is a nightmare when we're with the broader family. I know it has to do with her own stresses/anxiety towards our parents, but she ruined Christmas dinner for me last year by going off on transphobic rants so it's hard for me to sympathize.
It also sucks because I've wanted to make the family watch Tokyo Godfathers for years, but it was never accessible on their streaming apps. This year, it's on Amazon Prime but with the climate I think it would cause a fight with my dad (and maybe even mom) who would accuse it of "confusing/corrupting" children. It would be a good way to test the waters and gauge the family's reaction, but I don't want to get in a fight.
Also not looking forward to getting dragged to church (of the "non-denom" evangelical variety). Would be another reason to skedaddle early to at least cut down the number of that experience.
exercise/gender shitpost
GRTGB (gym rat to gym bunny)
(self crit: I need to be more disciplined about my Bulgarian split squats, Cossack squats, hip stuff, lunges and my core day. Been a bit of a cardio and leg day sicko lately on the treadmill and leg press and have been neglecting other stuff)
(GodIWishThatWereMe.jpg)
💤
parents
Talked to my dad as well and he was more chill about me taking DIY. He was still against it but said it's my decision. He showed more understanding, compared to my mom who was visibly upset. We then spent some time talking abolut my social transition as well
would it be weird to go to a clinic like Planned Parenthood for gender affirming care but to only ask for finasteride? I will likely get on proper HRT at some point, I'm still thinking about it, but my hair needs to be fixed NAOW. Would a trichologist/dermatologist be more appropriate?
the thing I'm worried about with more conventional doctors is that I'm still closeted/"boymoding" so I feel like they might discourage finasteride or encourage other less effective treatments because they think I'm actively trying to avoid feminizing side effects when really it's a plus lol
Wa ❤️ wa 🏳️⚧️ wawa!!!! 💕
Pronouns update
big sad dysphoria posting
i went into today's voice therapy session ready to absolutely get to work and really drill myself and get the hard stuff done and about halfway through i just fucking broke down crying and couldn't go on. why the fuck do i have to put in all of this fucking effort into maybe sort of sounding like a cis woman when there's fucking billions of cis women out there who have never had a single problem with having their voice sound male and never put an ounce of effort into it why the fuck does testosterone exist why the fuck is there no surgery out there that can fix my fucking resonance why the fuck do i have to put in all of this extraordinary effort jamming my fucking tongue down the back of my throat just for people to call me a man anyway what the fuck
doomed yuri
new transition milestone: partner now makes noises of distress when I ask for help clothes shopping
transphobia, parents
My mom found out I'm taking DIY HRT and confronted me about it. I defended myself while she kept saying how it was dangerous because there's no oversight. She also brought up hormonal changes like getting a temper, bringing up how I already always had a temper and that this would make it worse. I mentioned that I think that I will have less of a temper because I'll have less gender dysphoria. I also said this would be the same on official hormones, which she is not against, and she agreed with me. After a while I started crying and kept crying. Luckily she feels like she can't decide for me even if she's against it, so she lets me keep it. But the thing is, that she forcing me to tell my dad since she doesn't want to keep a secret from her husband. He's supportive but anti-DIY as well. I'm afraid that maybe he will try to take it away so I need to figure out how to hide in the worst case scenario.
This bullshit is exactly why I was hiding it from them in the first place. I was thinking of telling them but this shows me exactly that I made the right decision keeping this from them. I shouldn't have put my hormones in my toilet bag, which I will take to vacation. She found out because she wanted to see if I still had anti- cat allergy pills for this vacation.
wa
WA ʷᵃʷᵃtomorrow i finally finish my exams AND i get to see my dog! woohoo!
cw
suicide, dysphoria
I'm never going to be happy. I don't like any of my options. This is torment. T has ruined my body and voice forever. At best I'll be seen as some weird "other". All I want is acceptance and my body to not be ruined. I'm going to get neither.
There are so many things in life that are interesting and I want to see, experience, do. Can't do shit if I'm suffering like this. It won't end until I kill myself. The only way to actually make it stop is a gun. Wish I could see the brain that has tormented me my entire life finally destroyed. Fuck it. I fucking hate it. Responsible for so much of my pain. Its incurable.
Life is bullshit and its only worse being trans, autistic, avpd, whatever else. I am defective. I never wanted to be an adult. Its only gotten worse. I hate it. This is shit. Its hopeless. I will never be happy. Why live in hell. Being destroyed forever would be kinder.
Unfortunate. Whatever. What can you do. Literally nothing. Fucking survival instinct. Why is there so much shit to do before I die. Need to lock my devices up. Figure out smth to do about my pets. Should write notes. Obviously get over myself and pull the trigger. Oh, figure out my girl shit too. Probably have to throw it away.
I'm pathetic. A waste. A useless, toxic asshole. I suck. I will never be good enough. Barely even try. Sucks that a few people will miss me and it sucks my dad is going to feel guilty. Whatever, honestly people shouldn't feel bad about it. I'm suffering, and will continue to suffer until I stop it. Why be sad about that.
Life is empty. Hollow. Meaningless. The "meaning" is to make yourself happy. Can't have that. I am unhappy with the very core of who I am. With every inch of this prison. Everyone has the fucking nerve to hate me for that. Sorry I'm not cis. Sorry I think life is awful. Like I want to feel poisoned, like I want life to be hell.
Why is my one life, my little bit of time to be sentient this shit. I have never been able to understand how so many people are (seemingly???) happy with this. My brain must just be wired different. Defective.
Being amab ruined my chance of feeling accepted, normal and liked by basically everyone. T puberty then ruined any chance of being happy with myself. Its over. Why fucking live. I just want to be happy with how I exist in the world. But I never will be. My voice will always be dogshit. I'll always tower over everyone. I will always feel like a man. I look horrible. I know how we are viewed by society. I don't want that. Not like I'll be happy with myself anyway. Its hopeless. Why do I try and resist any of this.
unhinged, method/self harm
I want to take my razor and slice my arms open. Watch the blood come out. god I want to watch blood so much. I don't know what I want the result to be I just want to do it. I won't.
Well I might cut myself at some point but it won't be this dramaticedit
took a nap and I still feel the exact fucking same, kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
cw: dysphoria i think
reconsidering my relationship with gender again, as it happens every time I'm introspective and/or sick as i am now. like I've got serious neuroses about confrontation and change esp under my parents eyes and roof so I have done like zero experimentation, which sucks because I want to but my brain basically shuts down at the possibility, like there's a block there. traces of performative masculinity? fear of sticking out? which sucks because rationally I know I should start trying shit out. my sister is already growing her hair out and painting her nails, but I've gotten the same haircut for 10 years at this point and I just can't bring myself to like, deviate at all besides my absolute aversion to facial hair and body hair, but even the latter it's hard to get myself to maintain, partly because of ADHD, but even then I'm so neurotic about facial hair. the idea of growing a beard is so fundamentally repellant that shaving my face is one of the most consistent bits of self maintenance I am able to do despite my ADHD
it's to the point where it's causing self-doubt, because online I do present myself as I do and there's a dissonance between that and how I present and have tread IRL, where it makes me feel like I'm faking it online to not be a bog-standard white boy, that some aspect of this is just performance and wanting to feel like I'm part of the larger struggle when I'm rather privileged otherwise, being a suburbanite cracker who's going to college
but then that rubs against my very loud internal assertion that I really, genuinely don't like the more-masculine physical aspects of myself and have genuinely spent hours internally moping over, uh, not having boobs, well after no longer being pent-up (which makes me feel shitty to even qualify, but there are kink-related aspects to my internal mess of gender shit, so I feel like it's necessary to do so at least for my own rationalization) and every time I try a feminine face filter my feelings about it are an entangled mess in a way that someone secure in their gender identity probably would not experience on that level.
I guess it's the bit where despairing over the idea that I may not be trans is a form of gender dysphoria in-and-of-itself, but my thoughts on it feel way too messy and I'm deathly afraid that when I do experiment in a tangible way it will invalidate these feelings, and that's terrifying to me
Anyone know artists that draw lesbians/sapphics/GL/etc that have POC in them? I have a few subreddits I look at drawings from but the images are 80% entirely white people.
Unsure if its due to reddit being white, liberal level racism ornevermind as I was typing realized its probably bothAlso wish they was a better place to look at drawings that wasn't using twitter or reddit, both places are liberal hellscapes
A bunch of random, kind of shitty things happened today, but its nothing worth complaining about. Kind of apathetic about it all now anyway. All I feel right now is depressed. Hoping it doesn't get worse.
In good news I stood up for myself and he apologized, so that was nice. Always struggle with that.
is anyone here into dreams? I keep having violent ones and I hate this
Dream 1: me and a group are on a large raft. We look over the side at some boulders. They turn into large fossil skulls. The water gets choppy, I get swept off the side and sucked far below the waters surface. I wake myself up.
Dream 2: I can't remember the beginning of this one, all I remember is some shit getting started and running away from this guy. My shoes are not tied so I can't run fast. I make it to my house but he starts hitting the door with a baseball bat. I'm terrified. I go to look at the door and he's right there. I beat him with my fists.
Dream 3: I'm at someone's house for some stupid social thing and this person keeps fucking with my stuff (headphones, ear buds, etc). Says it's his now. I keep trying to get him to stop but he won't. I'm pretty sure I fight him too.
I think there were more but I can't remember anything distinct, just these three. Yesterday I had awful nightmares too and had to wake myself up early. I'm kind of lucid for them but unable to change what's happening. I used to have more control in my dreams but now I'm along for the ride (or wake myself up, like I did for these three).
This will be the first Yule by myself on Saturday. Granted my ex really never got into it, but you know. Gonna be fun just hanging around home and doing my yearly Yule rituals. By myself. I guess...
(that one pumpkin flash game thing voice)
I'm very tired
🎃
But tomorrow I'm gonna try to get a bunch of chores I've been putting off done and do self care shit I've been avoiding and try the hair removal body mask/scrub stuff I got awhile ago and never used and I'll give you all a review if it's good or not
(I have bad/hirsute kinda Mediterranean genetics for hair and also dainty little gay baby east Asian skin so everything is an issue for me with shaving and body hair stuff but I'm gonna be smooth and soft and cute even if it's painful)
I hate all this fucking Christmas music. No I don't care about this fictional lady/man's straight relationship I am trying to disassociate during work
Time to do the dishes in the middle of the night because I was too
to do them during the daySpent the day dunking on NIMBYs in my local city sub. It would be so much easier if they just admitted to being landlords but it doesn't really matter, I know. And thankfully they were downtown into oblivion by trainposters. But god, they are fucking boring. Always the same shit:
"More housing won't fix the problem!"
Me: furnishes well-researched study explicitly linking low vacancy rates to higher rent increases
"Nuh-uh" (in many more, very stupid words)
Alright so taking a break from Hexbear didn't suddenly make me good at making friends, the main issue is burnout and capitalism, but I did realize that reading Yuri is what recharges me when I burn out every day from work, so that's cool.
Also I made the mistake of going on reddit and found this and now you all have to look at it
cw dooming about transphobia, crying about my wonderful partner
Ran into an old friend today. He's moving to China next year to teach English, super cool.
But then my partner asked me if I wanted to do that too. He knows that I considered it as an escape plan before we got serious.
Then we got talking about how things in America could get really bad for trans people really fast. We're both pretty damn scared of what might happen, especially with my family really trying to encourage me to get a passport ASAP. I try to keep up a cool "nothing ever happens, America is already fascist" cope, but my brain keeps jumping to worst case scenarios.
If I were single, I would have probably already left the country by now, with my family's blessing and support. But like, now I have a partner who I love, who has too many ties to this area and who doesn't really have many immigratable skills, so I'm not going anywhere I can't take him with.
Which means that if any of my nightmare scenarios did happen, it will be too late for me. I would have missed the chance to flee to one of the few places on an upward trajectory.
I didn't tell him all this, just that I didn't want to go anywhere I couldn't take him, but I also didn't want him to think he was holding me back or anything. I had a big cry in the shower later. I really just need to figure out how to stop thinking that all this resurgent transphobia is going get me killed.
I really need to stop dooming. It's bad and is distracting me from my normal routine of dysphoria and work anxiety.
Idk, I'm rambling, but anyone else get it?
.
Anyways, I'm gonna eat a tofu muffin watch the new Dandadan. Show has successfully beaten the horrible first episode stink.
The Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia soundtrack is so good. I have nothing else to say, it just needs to be said.
Actually booted up the game again to start a 2nd (3rd if you count a de-make romhack) and was just blown away by how good things feel in that game. It's such a fun one, it's probably my favorite FE game (nothing personal, three houses).
five word tragedy, lewd whining
Too tired for a libido
The spirit yearns for lewdness but the flesh is exhausted and wants to hibernate for a week
underwear question, dysphoria kinda
Not trying to plug a brand sorry but have been thinking about getting stuff from TomboyX, anyone ever order stuff from them? Dunno if they have sports bras or binders that'll fit well for a tall kinda jacked person but some of it looks like it mite b cool
Kinda want undies that are designed for tucking too but I haven't had much luck with anything I've tried with that before, it's uncomfortable and doesn't really want to stay
spoiler
LAST DAY OF WORK FOR THE YEAR LAST DAY OF WORK FOR THE YEAR LAST DAY OF WORK FOR THE YEAR LAST DAY OF WORK FOR THE YEAR LAST DAY OF WORK FOR THE YEAR
yesterday was super stressful, but today i cant imagine ANYTTTTIHNG going wrong (oh god yes I can, I just imagined like 8 things, and only like 5 of them are work related)
fr its probably gonna be a dead day so tell me what's new with y'all! for those who haven't already otherwise posted (and I HAVE BEEN READING)
some shit abt a manga
Someone just reminded me that Emporio Ivankov exists (I haven't read Impel Down since the arc was current) and I went and checked, and I was like "wow, this MAD magazine charicature of doctor frank n furter really is poppin off!"
I'm being a little mean, like this is way less bad than 99% of manga ever, I think it's well-intentioned. But the lens through which it's presented is a little, I dunno. I guess I'm not shocked that teenage me missed this one. I literally thought it was something Eiichiro Oda made up.
I have thoughts about the general Witcher lore, Yennefer, Ciri, Geralt, their family bonds, and how I perceive them as tying into the direction the Witcher 4 is going but I have nobody to scream them at.
I have no idea how to talk to cis people
My (cis) guy friend has brought up me being trans a couple times (I guess to show support? That he remembers and thinks of me that way?) and I just have no idea what to say or do about the topic. I don't really have anything "real" going on (like starting hrt or anything) to talk about, most of my thoughts are just dysphoria and like, do I really want to complain to him about that. I don't know, its just new and I have a terrible time with new situations. Maybe I just joke around about it... but how do I do that...
Also my nickname is based on my dead name and I don't know what to do about that. Asking for him to call me my girl name seems awkward and I don't like the thought of that.
I don't know why I'm posting but
I have a hard time with new things. god this process is going to be hard isn't it...Well, it looks like I get to have my friends again, at least for the next month. Going to be interesting to see how I act and feel around them, a lot has changed since I saw them last.
probably not news to anyone but the Metal Gear Rising OST whips ass
Mistral's theme is my fav and smacks of Gender imho
celebrity bullshit, junk mention, thirst
Saw that there's a whole thing about Justin Timberlake's bulge?? Cis ppl are weird
People are making fun of him and I don't really care for his music but I thought he looked hot in the pics ppl are mocking?
Normalize small junk being hot imho, petite meat is cool and good and a lil' bulge is sexy if ppl wanna do that
ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ˡⁱᵗᵉʳᵃˡˡʸ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵍᵒⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵏⁱˡˡ ᵐᵉ. ᴵ ᵃᵐ ⁱⁿᵛⁱⁿᶜⁱᵇˡᵉ. ᵂʰᵉⁿ ᴵ ʷᵃᵏᵉ ᴵ ᵈᵒ ⁴²⁰ ˢⁱᵉᵍ ʰᵉⁱˡˢ. ᵂʰᵉⁿ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵗᵃᵏⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ˢʰᵒʷᵉʳ ᴵ ˢᵃʸ ᵗʰᵉ ¹⁴ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ⁸⁸ ᵗⁱᵐᵉˢ. ᵂʰᵉⁿ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵉᵃᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏᶠᵃˢᵗ ᴵ ʳᵉᵃᵈ ᵐᵉⁱⁿ ᵏᵃᵐᵖᶠ ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ⁶ ᵍᵒʳⁱˡˡⁱᵒⁿᵗʰ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ, ʷʰᵉⁿ ᴵᵐ ʷᵒʳᵏⁱⁿᵍ ᵒᵘᵗ ᴵ ˡⁱˢᵗᵉⁿ ᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵘʳⁿᵉʳ ᵈⁱᵃʳⁱᵉˢ, ʷʰᵉⁿ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ᵗᵒ ʷᵒʳᵏ ᴵ ᵒⁿˡʸ ˢᵖᵉᵃᵏ ᴳᵉʳᵐᵃⁿ, ʷʰᵉⁿ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵉᵃᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵈⁱⁿⁿᵉʳ ᴵ'ᵐ ᵖˡᵒᵗᵗⁱⁿᵍ ʷᵃʸˢ ᵗᵒ ᵇʳⁱⁿᵍ ᶠᵒʳᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵒᵘʳᵗʰ ᴿᵉⁱᶜʰ, ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ᵗᵒ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖ ᴵ ᵈᵉⁿᵒᵘⁿᶜᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵀᵃˡᵐᵘᵈ, ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ⁿᵉˣᵗ ᵈᵃʸ ᴵ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗ ᵃˡˡ ᵒᵛᵉʳ ᵃᵍᵃⁱⁿ.
can you believe they named a biscuit after the sentient boat from flushed away
For those of you who wanted a comm for Trans Music Production...
It's here https://hexbear.net/c/trans_synths
Thinking about an event in my teens when I was having pre-drinks with a bunch of guys, and one of them was joking about how I was mean to him, and I said a cutesy "aww, i'm sorry". It was kind of a dickhead frat bro-ish group and everyone just looked down and got super quiet for like 5 seconds and it was so fucking awkward.
After that I realised I needed to act more masculine or people will think i'm fucking weird and I basically repressed my "natural" personality and way of communicating for years.
queer embarrassing weeb shit
been on a JoJo kick lately
put a cable station chain on my coat epaulette and hit the Jotaro pose in the mirror alone
been thinking of what my stand would be lol
Joseph and Jolene are my favorites but I love Jotaro too
I like the idea of "Lavender Haze" (Vildhjarta, not Tswift, but the mashup is funny) as a combo of Hermit Purple and Stone Free
I like Crazy Diamond's healing ability too
IDK I'm on my gymrat shit and I'm gonna learn how to double jump irl and dunk a basketball and it'll be sick
cw sex, leather, excited about toys
I finally got my toyyyyssss! Im so relieved, they were lost in the mail for like a week.
Anyway i got three floggers, all of them cats. Two are small; one has little leather balls on the end of the falls, one has little points almost like a leaf. One is big and scary, it has the handle of a signal whip and 9 braided falls which break out into 4 individual strands. I dont think it will mark me up very easily, but it will almost certainly sting something fierce.
All of them are black leather, with braided/pleated handles, and look great for it.
Now i just need to find more Dommes to play with, cause everyone is busy all holiday season
dysphoria but optimistic, diet/exercise stuff, family shit (positive?), hikikomori recovery, interpersonal relationship stuff, woo mystic shroom shit
Been going sicko mode at the gym for 37 days now(?) daily, sometimes twice a day
Down ten pounds
Still unhappy with body, but going for a shower after yesterday squished my tummy inwards in the mirror, and saw myself there for the first time in like 4 years??
There are inescapable aspects of my physique that I can't do anything about, but I felt like for the first time in ages that feeling okay about myself was something attainable?
Like I can't really do anything about my shoulder width or height, but my hips and
actually look pretty good??Like if I slim down more and do more squats and hip stuff and core work, I might look like a tall (weird, buff) woman(ish) person instead of "weird queer androgynous guy"
I might look into corset training too? IDK
Reached out to cool lesbian aunt who's my closest family member, only one I'm out to, she was very supportive and liked my enby helix ear piercing idea
Been really pushing myself to improve like I'm trying to make up for lost time
Been a hermit p much for 4 years
Done a good amount of shrooms lately, think my old best friend from 4/5 years ago that I've been meaning to reconnect with is actually my soul mate??
Like we were never romantic, but loved each other deeply and were both only child ppl with fucked up parents and when we got to know each other, it was like we knew each other our entire lives and were sisters that spent our whole lives looking for each other
IDK what to make of that
I'd happily spend the rest of my life committed to this person, but the hypothetical idea of a romantic relationship feels really weird and confusing to me
This is the only person I've ever known that I fully felt understood me intuitively and like we've known each other our entire lives, and I fucking ghosted them because I was a depressed coward
I dunno what I feel
I feel like I love them more than most married couples I know seem to love each other but the idea of us as a couple instead of like, queer soulmate siblings is very confusing to me
They wrote me a letter when I went dark years ago saying they'd always welcome me back into their life, but this long into missing them, the thought of being rejected by them (which I'd totally understand based on how I've acted) might actually kill me
I dunno, I'm drunk and very emotional and miss them more than I think I can continue to bear
My heart hurts
I'm so lonely
I miss my best friend
I hate myself for who I've been for the last half decade
I can't stop thinking about "what could have been" if I had my shit together then
Sorry for being a downer lovely ppl
Gonna go try to sleep off this melancholy
Previous me joking, "Haha transitioning is kind of hard. What if I just obliterate my self and desire and become someone who doesn't care nearly as much about dresses and skirts again?"
New me,
Based and gender-abolitionism pilled Mahasi Sayadaw?
Been a rough couple days for me. Being on the edge emotionally at all times is exhausting. Managing to not snap at coworkers over the slightest thing is a miracle. Also migraine and cramps. Ugh. Someone just knock me out for a few days please.
alcoholism/relapse, self psychoanalysis, family shit, aging pet worries
Relapsed, feel bad, also feel worse about not feeling worse if that makes sense
Angry at self wanting to be perfect and a teetotaler
Angry that I also feel completely justified when I disappoint myself because I never felt good enough for my dad and he's the reason I became an alcoholic in the first place, and now dealing with him is what causes me to relapse
Meemaw cat gets mini seizures and flops over like she got a leg cramp and a really bad itch and will fall out of a chair when that happens
Spent all evening at the gym, go check on parents tired and burned out (failed my leg press sets, didn't have enough in the tank to stick to my rowing schedule either)
She has one of her mini seizures, flops out of her chair into his lap, claws his leg accidentally (it's a completely unintentional thing, she's done it to me and would never hurt me and she's 16 and I've had her and her sister ((RIP)) since she was a kitten)
He's drunk as always and says some nasty shit about her (she's an absolute angel and he's a disgusting decrepit braindead miserable piece of shit)
Immediately start wishing he'd just fucking die already, wish my mom divorced him before I was born, wish I'd never had to know him, etc
Take care of their dishes, laundry, scoop her box, take out the trash, clean her bowls, fill them and get her fresh water, put away their dinner leftovers they left out (I feel taken advantage of, they're not that incapable)
Leave and go buy a box of wine and a flask size plastic bottle of bottom shelf vodka (my shifting sobriety self rule was "no spirits")
Walk to gym because it's the only other place I go, do ab and back stuff I skipped
Pick up trash on side of road, pick flowers from bougie gated community's front gate for my windowsill
Listen to podcasts
Angry at everything
Gonna go walk home drunk and stop to stare at a fountain while I listen to angsty music
Maybe tomorrow I can be happier with myself but for tonight I'm fucking livid at everything and exhausted and feel pathetic and am so fucking mad at my shitty parents
The kindest self dialogue I've been able to muster lately keeps coming back to "well no wonder you suck, look at how and by whom you were raised"
Thanks brain
So hear me out: What if we somehow sponsor every single trans person in the UK to move to occupied Ireland/Belfast. Then, once they’re all living there, they all vote to leave terf island and reunify, then become new Irish citizens. So we save our trans comrades from the UK gov and reunite Ireland at the same time.
What do you all think?
#0218 dick
late night anxiety posting
Ah, if only there was reliable feedback you could use to gauge how a social thing is going... Loprazolam I miss you...
I know that's way too literal and maybe gamified a way to look at talking to people, like it's not a system with rules, not really, even though neurotypicals say it is. But while I've been pretty content just going at it and yapping with people, there are definitely times where a thing happens and I desperately wish I could tell if it's the result of me being a huge fuckup or not.
Sometimes you just get left with nothing to go on, which is awkward and also leaves me wide awake at 7am combing over the same couple of conversations repeatedly trying to figure out if I did something stupid, which is extremely nerve wrecking seriously stop please.
Has anyone figured out how to git gud at not having anxious breakdowns like this, without needing to be medicated or whatever?
I don't want to doxx myself too much but when I went to go change my name on my CRBA (consular report of birth abroad, it's my birth certificate) I didn't realize that there was a listing for sex on it too- so now I have to get that changed even though all my other ID paperwork has the right gender marker and name on them. :(
I'm stuck in Texas, would anybody happen to know how difficult it is nowadays to just like... Get that changed real quickly? I just need the proof that my gender marker has been corrected so I can get that one damn document fixed.
a kiddo brought me their cup, seemingly very clean, and they started telling me about how they drank milk out of it and cleaned it up after and i had to ruin their day by informing that i still needed to wash it
I'm getting my orchi on Jan. 10 and am starting the process of getting top surgery. Not sure I'll be able to get top surgery before they ban gov coverage of GAC but at least I got the process started. If they do, I'll get it done privately and raise the money the old fashioned way, a combination of getting on my knees and also mutual aid
went and took a concealed carry class yesterday and was apprehensive because i dressed full femme. It was hosted at a local pistol range. It ended up being lovely. The instructor was extra friendly to me (I sat in the front row). A cute little queer person (Pretty sure) was there and complimented my earrings. I love my town. I love being a woman!
this thread is reminding me of how badly i've wanted to learn rust for years (shaking my fist at uni-aged self who had way too much free time). i got too many hobbies and my job is programming. i just don't have the spoons
Fallout Tactics has a minor character Paladin Solo, her first name is Emerald, she is referred to with feminine pronouns and her voice actor is a cis man.
https://fallout.fandom.com/wiki/Emerald_Solo
It's 2001 and I don't know if it was meant to be something intentional about Power Armor, a budget constraint or an error, or some one snuck it in for positive or negative purposes.
But she/her, no voice training and a full suit of power armour is gender AF and rules.
Approval for the actual surgery part of my FFS went through today, all that's left now is to schedule it and start counting down. And if that wasn't amazing enough, I also finally got a refund check I've been expecting (but was told it could have come as late as 2028 lol) and it's more than I thought it was gonna be. Truly a fantastic day.
had a migraine yesterday so trying not to look at shit, decided to finally read (listen to) Nevada. and damn it was so fucking good, thanks for yapping about it @ashinadash@hexbear.net
my spoilery thoughts
i was initially a bit shocked by the ending but i let the afterward play and was satisfied with the reasoning. i do really like the representations of "pre" and "post" transition thing. Maria kind of awestruck me for the first half before i realised how much closer i was to James' end of that particular part of the journey. but dear god, i hope that one day i can feel as comfortable in my gender as Maria does
also i really liked the traffic light analogy, which made the fact it was stolen even funnier
It's been a good day in gender for me, folks. I'm upping my estradiol and spiro doses and got a referral for a tracheal shave.
socializing is weird
I have a friend who i just cannot pin down, and its really frustrating. She said last night that she thinks im scared of her, to which i replied "sometimes"; in my introspection on that theres like 3 different processes at play.
I find myself wary and ready to deal with tough feelings when im with her in one on one situations, because she tends to talk about her personal growth and especially her ex, which is a situation similar enough to my longest relationship that it brings up a bunch of shit that ive mostly processed but is still difficult feelings, so I end up wary and readying myself to deal with them.
Then i also just suck at group interactions. So one on one its hard, and in groups its hard. So i am kinda scared, not of her but of my own shit and finding myself being extra alert and hypervigilant when we all hang out.
Doesnt help that she uses social cues to indicate when shes teasing/poking fun with me that i struggle to pick up on (and she does that a lot). So even when its good interactions it takes a lot of energy
I was wondering why things had suddenly changed. Today and yesterday (at least) I have been... different. Wanting to get out and socialize, bunch of new thoughts on gender. Wonder if not taking ADHD meds for some time and then starting back up might have been the cause.
CW: injection
Just did injection after only an hour of overthinking and now I have hiccups. Soooo, now anxiety is in overdrive and I'm worried I did something wrong.
Maybe I should have just spent more money on another from of estrogen instead, but this is the price to pay for being broke I guess.
EDIT: its been an around an hour and im still suffering from hiccups. nothing is helping. existence is pain.
EDIT 2: yay they seem to be gone now. Please no jinx.
EDIT 3: I jinxed it :'( and now it feels stronger and hurts a bit
Going outside
talking with people At least the appointment thing went well. I didn't even have to say "another cissie down, unlimited transitions upon the cisgender world" or anything funny. I guess my voluminous hair and ambient disdain just command respect or smth
i'm finally starting to mess around with more eye makeup than just mascara and oh my do i loves it. i wish it was easier to put on but i suppose that's the barrier to entry. Will be excited when it doesn't take me an hour + to get all glammed up!
Rust is fucking amazing anybody that hates Rust is just a pissy little baby that doesn't have the attention span to learn how to deal with the borrow checker and some of the async quirks and is jealous of the people that can. I will absolutely die on this hill, Rust is light itself.
Compile times suck if you don't have a powerful workstation/laptop tho.
What’s up guys! Returned I have from a moon logged off. It was pretty nice. I read a lot about Buddhism and completed my first insight cycled. Going to try to not let this place re-embolden my executive dysfunction, but it’s nice to be back. How are y’all doing? Currently kind of contented and tired. I miss being able to cry.
got some new jeggings
just some navel gazing, annoying & stupid
I guess it's because I'm baby, but I'm feeling very humbled this morn that my internal concept of Gender is still changing, that I'm still thinking about it and developing how I feel about it meaningfully, and it's been like ten fuckin years. Woah
It's at once kinda wild to think I used to be a self-hating, shitty little imageboard browsing trans girl so long ago, but also the "me" now wouldn't make much sense without that part of my life. Even though it's probably not that dramatic, I feel like I am unrecognisable compared to that.
Tons of people told me when I was a kid that I'd always be changing, and I never disbelieved it, but actually taking in how different I've become really underlines that. I am many phases removed from where I was. Insert tired butterfly comparison here, lmao.
I find it very weird now to think that I used to avoid trying to even process stuff around Gender, which I did because even just thinking about it made me anxious and sad. Brainworms... nowadays I relish the opportunity when anyone lets me yap at length about whatever trans related thought I am having this day or week. It gives me life, I become nourished as a result, it rules. I feel better every time I come to a greater understanding! Being trans fuckin rules!
I wonder if most people have to think this long and this deeply about Gender. I wonder if it's partly an autism thing, interroception and whatnot. Also nobody should let me yap early in the morning lest I say silly things!Okay I have to know what to do with my bangs, and I do not. They just turn into lil goofy springy ringlets, which is fine but when I was doing my hair "straighter" (by accident, brushes etc) they served to offset my face, 'cause a straight part makes my gaunt 'n' gay lil face look kinda long when it's not.
So what's even a good way to do the hair above your forehead when it is curly af?
child behavior issues, parenting issues??
We got a kid who's pretty sick. But parents are refusing everything, and like literally everything.
No bloodwork, no oxygen, no swabs, no oral meds, no IV, and so on. Mostly because the child is screaming they don't want to, meanwhile desatting to 70% and finally "chilling out" which the parents interpret as working
But why bring your child in if you don't want interventions done? We've explained that being under 80% for a long time means possible brain injury and possibly respiratory failure even death. We can't help her if you refuse all interventions. Your kid isn't going to agree to having prongs put in, but your kid isn't in charge of their own health when they're 5 years old because they don't have that capacity yet??? Your kid isn't going to like having swabs done
Me when I post on sunday night and the new mega rolls up on monday
wish we had more of the catgirl emotes....@ratboy@hexbear.net Magi actually introduced me to Jex Thoth like six or seven years ago now, yeah they fuckin rule. I still know nothing about them tbh...
sick raincoat (I've been wearing in the house since I got it lmao) a pair of pants, a hat, an extremely extra fruity coat, a toy lightsaber (I think it's Kanan's?) a hoodie of one of my favorite sports teams and a plush toy for my kitties to wrassle
Is this a fit?? Awesome though, love when the thrift actually has stuff
@Tommasi@hexbear.net Simply not hanging out with her as before is entirely valid too, I'm just way too indignant and angry honestly. I hate that we pretty much cannot ever trust cis people not to be like this... Brutal and stupid way for her to end things without even realising it...
injections are still technically a higher dose of e going into you than pills huh? because i definitely feel it. i've been weird with mood lately but i'm not sure if that's other factors unrelated to it. my provider has me on 10mg every 10 days for some reason, i might push it back to every 7.
also voice training is so hard :(
I love how Rust is the official trans language lmao
thank you for posting this!
sorry
self harm/si/just being unhinged
I want to kill myself. It's hopeless. I can't imagine ever being happy. Why fucking live in suffering. My whole life is just suffering and trying to distract myself. That's not good enough. All fucking night I've wanted to rip my leg open. Why do I continually put myself through this shit.
We're coming up on five years of trying to fight this shit. Five years of trying to get better. Of trying to even imagine a happy life. Of understanding what I want and can reach for. And I haven't found anything. My brain is literally just broken. Actual dogshit.
I will never be happy. I am not capable of doing what will make me happy.
Fucking "survival instinct". Such complete bullshit. I know I will never be happy, normal, I will always hate myself and be hated. So literally why can't I bring myself to do it. Do I want to go through another embarrassing, awful five years? Just fucking, putz around hoping I figure my shit out? I don't want to do that.
I can't get better. Why do I have to do it myself. I wish I'd just die in my sleep already.
I hate being a burden. All I do anymore is go from place to place, person to person whing about how I'm in pain. Dump all my sad shit on the nearest poor fucker who has to listen to me. I'm an anchor around everyone's neck.
I'm such shit. I can't do anything. I don't even know what my problem is. Why can't I get even basic shit together.
The kindest thing would literally just be shoot me in my sleep. Life sucks, it's going to keep sucking, my mental issues are going to keep tormenting me forever. This isn't living. Literally what difference does it even make if I'm dead. Not like I'm doing anything with this "gift" of life. Fucking waste. Why am I a wasteful, unappreciative shithead. I should kill myself just for that.
even worse self harm stuff
I want to cut myself so bad. It's been days of urges slowly building. I want to see blood. Feel the rush. Holy shit the rush. Honest to god better then drugs.
To anyone wondering, yes I napped, yes I felt like this right after, yes it's been fucking hours of this while being unable to sleep. Please make the misery stop.
Youtube finally clocked me:
watched that anime lord of the rings film. i liked it
minor spoiler. you will be spoiled
wulf is kinda gender (at least when he's clean shaven)
continuing marvel rivals talk from last mega:)
@genderbitch@hexbear.net for sure i expect aggressive monetisation. i'm not sure if it's clear yet whether heroes will cost money... that would really suck, i can live with skins etc. yeah the chars are fun so far! i'm really enjoying jeff the shark and venom. can't say i know anything about moon knight lol this is the first time i've engaged with anything marvel in a long time. the performance def is an issue, kinda ridiculous to make a game like this in UE5 lol... on everything low except textures + the engine.ini config fixes i can get around 100fps in-game, it's pretty map-dependent though so there definitely is performance issues going on. i've got a 1080ti, seems like anything older than that would really struggle. OW2 runs much better.
@Ceres@hexbear.net yeah, it's more or less scratching the OW1 itch for me at the moment, it's pretty well put together arena shooter. we'll see how long the novelty lasts, whether it's well supported or they start charging for heroes i guess. i'm really enjoying jeff the shark and venom, haven't touched many other chars yet. mantis looks cool, all the supports do tbh i like how independent they are, you can totally 1v1 a dps if you're good on most of them it seems.
thank u game, that shit is stanky
and shower... and shave the rest of me... 
not some serious drama stuff 
and then self care like shaving and doing my nails again. Food and looking good usually put me in a good mood