Shaved my mustache for the first time in about 10 years. Planning to shave my arms, then my legs if that goes well.
I feel like a child left unattended. But ranting feels like wheel-spinning. I'll fight for my soul, I'll do it.
time to get stupid to prove that I'm serious, I suppose
I simply need someone to take to my cognitive distortions with a hacksaw
I feel like I have no idea at what point I'm supposed to involve other people?
Like, I'd tell someone every single thing in my head if they let me. I know my story and can tell it in great detail. I need to be prompted too, because the flip side of that is that I won't say a word about it to anybody until I feel like I have the space to do so.
Until someone asks "what happened", I feel zero sense of obligation or drive to say anything of substance. How can I?
It's possible. To some extent I have to accept that we're just on different pages. Different books.
There's a lot I don't share directly. If these people knew the extent of my depression and dysphoria, maybe they wouldn't have all left me alone. I thought I was sparing them my drama but now nobody even looks for me lmao
Telling people didn't work, and hiding from the world has also not worked. Two strategies that did not work. I had it in my head that someone would eventually straight up ask "Pleakley, you're freaking out! What's wrong? Did something happen?"
And yeah, struggling with mental illnesses creates a ton of internal contradictions. If I knew exactly what the neurotypicals wanted to hear, I would deafen them.
Idk. I've been a low maintenance friend in the past. I keep a lot to myself, and I guess to me, I feel like me speaking up is the sign that things are bad. Me going a long time without reaching out is the sign that things are bad. I don't think any of my friends in school saw it that way, frankly
If I mention a thing that I am going through, I am mentioning it because I want help and another perspective. A lot of people will just stand and stare, and I'm worried that I literally have to say "can you help me fix my brain" or "can you help me want to live" because I don't entirely know in practical terms what to ask for from an individual in the context of my mental health.
When someone makes it seem like remembering to text you is an inconvenience, you stop wanting to put that effort in. I don't know how to undo that, I want to put my time and effort where it is valued.
I just heard that adults are responsible for self-regulating all their emotions? Yeah right. It can't be true. It can't be true. It can'
Edit: I'm confused, because self-regulating sounds a lot like never bothering anyone with your silly emotions. But it's toxic to be codependent and share your problems with people?
I need some crayons or something. I'm confusing myself
when you realize that nobody notices the lore you share on your insta story the way people pick apart Five Nights at Freddy's games looking for clues
I struggle with this sort of thing myself. It's like I'll see someone and find them so instantly attractive that I lock up and don't know how to proceed socially. I usually end up feeling guilty, like I'm staring too much. I felt like it was a male gaze thing for the longest time.
For me some of it is envy vs. attraction, am I into them or do I want to look like them? I'm not always sure, and it could be both or neither. I'm attracted to guys, but women catch my eye more.
I've lost my own point! In any case, whoever experiences this, I sympathize, because I am still trying to understand my own tendencies to be awkward around the beautiful people
She's not a girl
who misses much
dudududududooo
oh yeah
I get the impression that most people don't get caught in moral quandaries that cause them to retreat from the world in a state of emotional overwhelm
But I do get caught in this assumption that if I explain myself perfectly then it'll click and somebody will see me as I truly am
I also don't get how people ask questions without being scared
I don't understand why I am sweating through every piece of clothing just enough to leave ugly stains. We simply do not have the science to answer such a thing.
It's very annoying though. Nobody else looks sweaty 😐
Trogdor, Computer Virus.
Also, "A One that is not cold is scarcely a One at all"
