Meet my new puppy: Ass!

Instructions unclear, ate the puppy.

I think we're supposed to name you now?
- I suggest "Rover Cloxworth Van Puppyeater"

Cum.

I had to jerk off before posting just to make this comment true.

Taquito

Fits pretty well if you ask me...

Cheese Stick ain't a terrible name tho

Ibuprofen

Wood glue.

As long as it's non-toxic.
- Mmm. Tacky. Now with a new non-toxic formula.
Wood-fired pizza ?
- All I do is crunch numbers and eat wood glue. No pizza.

Puppy

Hush Puppy.
That's not what you ate, that's what you said when you ate it.

My left leg.

(If somebody could come get me off this desert island that’d be great)

Shuffle one letter over to dessert island and you'll be good for a bit.
I don't know why you went for the left. Plenty of meat left on the right one. We'll send a team out in a month.

Richard!

please be referring to dick

Such a cute ham sandwich 🥹

Totino's Pizza Rolls

Banh mi

Fuck I want a banh mi

Puppy 🗿

Kefir

Technically I drank it but it was thick so it was my meal

How THICC

Ass

Brownie

Pancake

Same! Fits him like a glove too.

Cock

Sushi. Almost seems kind of fitting.

Tripple Choco Cookie.

Croquette and I think it's a great name

It was back last August, so... does Ensure count?

Also, I knew a guy who had a little yippy dog named Mr. President. Best dog name ever.

Somehow I have a Mitchell and Webb sketch ringing in my head, but I'm not quite sure which.
....
I think it might be the giant death laser.

Pot roast, think it fits pretty well

Richard.

Toast

A black man's ass

Knuckle sandwich 😞

Potato!

Chewy (type of compliments granola bar)

Bosco stick, I guess "Bosco" isn't a bad name for a pup.

Wasabi Pea no peeing inside!

Waffles!

Cimmanim Roll!

Taco 🌮

Chicken caesar wrap

Chips and queso

Waffles. But my roommate in college bought a puppy before the summer, named it Waffles, took her home, and came back in the fall with an untrained dog that peed in the house and he never cleaned it up. Poor Waffles, she didn't ask to be raised by terrible owners but I ended up moving out early because of her.

I know you're not the owner and so it isn't your job to house-train the dog, but personally I would have asked if it was okay if I trained it for them. I like dogs and working with animals, so personally I'd be more than happy to do it for free so long as they A) aren't demanding I teach the dog tricks (only basic house-training), and B) they follow any instructions I give them.
- Oh I tried, but he undermined everything I worked on. I went home to work every weekend so she'd pee on the carpet and he'd just leave it until I got back, so the idea that peeing in the apartment was bad never really stuck. He let her chew a red marker all over the floor, too, and when I walked in to see her doing it and him in the couch ignoring her, he sat up and was like, "oh, uh, bad dog!" It was impossible.

Katsu

Happy with that!

C A K E

Actually, Alfredo is an amazing name for that little goi

My girlfriends ass?

Phat bitch dip: 2 blocks cream cheese 3 cans of shredded chicken drained 5 diced jalapeños Siracha to taste Shredded cheddar

Microwave cream cheese till soft. Mix in chicken, jalapeños, and Siracha. Put in a casserole dish and top with shredded cheese. Bake @ 350f for 10 minutes or until cheese is melted

Edit: Phat is 80s slang for 'Pretty hot and tempting'

Carbonara

Sprout

Phò Gâu

Ciabatta with sweet potato madras spread, green olives, feta, and Dutch cheese. Rolls off the tongue

Leftovers

Tomato

Emmi Energy Milk High Protein Double Zero Ananas-Kokos

Long ago I had this one cat named Birria, because I used to jokingly tell her mother "If you don't behave, I'm going to make birria tacos out of you!"

When I rescued her mom, I thought she was a male, still quite young, and before I'd found a vet she disappeared for a couple of days and came back pregnant. After that, she and every cat I've had since then, male or female, I've taken to the vet to be neutered or spayed before anybody gets knocked up.

Fist full of granola

Or Fist for short

Enchilada.

Perfect.

Cake

Ramen

Ice cream with big juicy balls

Chickpea <3

Do yk the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face

Cacio E Pepe

Maki

soy milk

(kinda fitting actually)

Do you eat milk? Or just drink it?
- What about soup?

Popcorn

My little sweet gummy bear

Soy milk

hi fellow soy milk enjoyer. I named this puppy soy milk too

Rex. That's a coincidence, that was my neighbour's dog's name. Shame what happened to him, he was always so friendly. Tasty too

Schoggigipfeli

Burger

I had to scroll pass eighty people claiming they ate ass before I saw this. Yeah I ate ass then hopped on lemmy, yup.
- And the joke is already made in the title, so either they don't read them or they thought it was so funny they had to repeat it.