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ADHD @lemmy.world
kintsugikid @leminal.space

I hate my ADHD and the problems it's causing in my relationship

I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I'm trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it's like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.

One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that's important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don't matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I'm doing it on purpose (which I'm not).

My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I'm out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there's something outside of my control).

Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it's from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can't remember that.

When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.

My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they'd already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they'd also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn't have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn't a definitive agreement.

My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they'd been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn't aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.

When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner's room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they'd told me they'd wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they're going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn't care.

We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn't a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they'd wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.

I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I'm trying, I'm really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.

PS: I really know belittling someone's feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn't know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn't think of it.

!!!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It's not just about being late - it's about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn't know or didn't anticipate that they'd wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!!!!

59 comments

  • I really don't think its your ADHD here. I have it bad. My partner lets me get on with it and goes to bed whenever she wants. We also split chores based on our schedule and to account for my ADHD she got us a whiteboard, because my greatest super power is to get absorbed in something and forget everything. Your partner could have taken the chores that night so you could do what you needed to get help for yourself.

    My last relationship was a "need to be in bed at the same time" relationship. I remember when I worked nights and had a night off. We got into a huge fight which culminated into me going to lay down on the couch instead of next to her like she wanted. She then came out of the room and beat me around the head with a metal katana sheath (so hard that it dented).

    This is a less of your ADHD problem and more of a "you guys need your own schedule and space" problem. You should iron out this attached-at-the-hip thing first. It's cute in the beginning of a relationship, but can ultimately end it in a very ugly way. It will lead to insecurity and turn into a relationship of need and envy. You gotta learn to exist alongside each other, not be one entity (despite what marriage and religion tries to tell you).

    I've had two relationships. One for 7 years where we had to do everything together or else had to check in via text. That ended in both of us fighting and cheating (both sides) and never talking again. The second is a quiet coexistence. We can tell each what we're going to do with an open invitation. Sometimes we do it together, sometimes we want to do something else. That relationship is on 13 years and counting. We RARELY go to bed at the same time or wait up.

    Sit down together and apologize for the belittling things you said. Explain what you have written here to them. These are words they need to hear. And then address the problem of not being able to do things like sleeping without one another. If they wanted to go to bed at 9:30, they should have been able to do so.

  • So... the dishes were important enough for your partner to berate you about them multiple times, but not important enough for them to do the washing-up while you were out? Are they always your responsibility? Did you have a mutual conversation and understanding about chore division, or has your partner implicitly or explicitly assigned certain chores to you?

    What measures of responsibility does your partner take for their own sleep? Sleep mask? Ear plugs? White noise? Weighted blanket? Other measures? Or is it all on you to accommodate them?

    Would offering to sleep on the couch if you come home after they're asleep feel like a reasonable compromise for you?

    Does having a curfew set for you by your partner seem like a normal thing to you? Are you surprised that people here think it's not normal?

    Does your partner regularly use belittling or derogatory language towards you as you've detailed here? Does it feel to you that using such language is justified by your ADHD?

    Does this situation seem like a one-off thing, or is it often a problem that you have not read your partner's mind?

    I think you've got some important questions to ask yourself here.

  • I think if you can access that still part of yourself that knows what is true and right for you then you already must have a strong sense of what you need to do. You have the right to surround yourself with people who love you for what you are right now, not for what they hope you might become in the future to suit their needs. I get a sense from how you wrote this post that you have an inkling that this relationship cannot give you what you want. Also, that it cannot give your partner what they want. Maybe it's just that you've arrived in that fork in the road where your journey together is simply at an end. I hope you find a way to love your neurospicyness and that you find someone who will enjoy it with you.

  • The very idea of co-sleeping is not to be accepted without thought. If you and your partner have differences in sleep needs, it is possible that you would benefit from separate sleeping arrangements. You could totally have a quiet time with them while they fall asleep like we do with our kid, but there's no reason either of you should sacrifice your needs just to sleep in proximity. It might bring you both together, give it a think.

  • It's your job to manage your life and your condition. In this example you were doing that by going to the group and doing the dishes upon your return, and by communicating when you realized you would be a little late.

    Similarly, it is your partner's job to manage their life and their condition. You are not responsible for their migraines, they need to have a plan for the controlled sleep schedule they need, if that's their trigger, a plan that doesn't depend on you having the same schedule.

    The argument, that is your fail I agree, but it wouldn't have happened if they'd just left you the kitchen to clean and gone to bed, and woken up to a clean kitchen. Who could be unhappy with that?

    Sometimes when people say they can't do things because of the ADHD it does sound like they are just getting out of unpleasant tasks by dumping them on someone else, sure. That is NOT what you are doing here. A 20 minute delay is not a ridiculous offront.

    My accommodation with the husband - I do cook supper, he cleans after. Supper is done when it's done, not at a scheduled time but in a window of "evening". If I cannot cook I communicate this in time for him to get us takeout. If he cannot clean he lets me know in time so I can do it.

    Y'all need a good calm talk, not an argument. It's possible you aren't a good fit but from this post it reads like you are holding up your end of the relationship. Migraine really sucks, I get them and understand. But they cannot blame them on your 20 minute delay, that is ridiculous.

  • Not diagnosed, but me and my partner have learned that we both need direct communication. Mistakes are often made and assumptions can become set in stone. On your end, you can lay out your expectations clearly so if they don't line up with your partner's, they can express that. Like, "I'm going to a thing at 6, it's done at 8 so I should be home by 8:40 unless something comes up."

    Ideally then they'd say "I want to go to bed early" and then you can either make sure to leave right after or leave early if absolutely necessary.

    On their end, ugh. Sure, you knew they were up early, but it's not your responsibility to automatically assume a change in routine because of it. Also you did communicate when your expected schedule changed.

    texted me back, telling me... that I still needed to do the dishes

    asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they'd told me they'd wanted to sleep.

    Uhh, hello? That, plus repeatedly beating you over the head with "I was up early" just sounds... Not great. It's not good either that you snapped at them, but it sounds like you were pushed to that point.

    I'd suggest having a conversation and saying that you need them to spell things out for you, or at least ask questions to ensure a common understanding. Can't stress the importance of communication enough, honestly.

  • …Even leaving aside how your partner seems to communicate poorly then blame you for any misinterpretations without taking any responsibility for their own bad communication…

    Why does your partner need you to be in bed before they can go to sleep? That’s really weird.

    Like, you know how I handle this when I’m in your partner’s position? I say “cool, sounds fun, please do the dishes when you get in, I’ll probably be asleep by then.” If I wake up a little when they get in, I roll over and cuddle. Done.

    It sounds almost like there’s another reason they want you home, that they don’t trust you or something.

    • Like, you know how I handle this when I’m in your partner’s position? I say “cool, sounds fun, please do the dishes when you get in, I’ll probably be asleep by then.” If I wake up a little when they get in, I roll over and cuddle. Done.

      I bet that my heart was not the only one to skip a beat reading that. There are so many people stuck in toxic relationships that have no idea that such a healthy response is possible. They either brace for impact or preemptively attack in self defense.

    • The problem - and as a light and sensitive sleeper I can relate to this - is that when I come home after they go to sleep I will wake them up and then they have trouble falling asleep again. I know sleep is a sensitive issue for them (for me as well, but maybe not as much) because not enough or interrupted sleep is a major migraine trigger for them, so coming home at a certain time isn't an issue for me personally. I, too, like to be asleep around 10 pm. But this time I didn't know I was supposed to be home earlier.

      • A light sleeper needs accommodations - not for you to have to be silent. Earplugs and a sleep mask, a white noise machine, blackout curtains, whatever - manage the environment so they can sleep soundly. We live in the world and if you want to live with someone it's not going to be silent all the hours you want to sleep.

        Again - I get how they can feel so hopeless about migraine, it does feel debilitating. That's on them to manage though.

        This is unlikely to be the only time your schedules don't align. Y'all need a plan that works, not blame.

      • Okay, that’s fair.

        “I didn’t know I was supposed to be home earlier” is kind of a weird sentence to hear an adult say, though. Like, that sounds like you don’t have a choice in the matter, like your partner gets to decide things unilaterally and you’re left hastily rushing to catch up.

        Usually what I try to do is, when tempers aren’t high, work with my partner—outline the problem and work together, the two of us fighting against the problem. Explore the boundaries here, get creative—can you sleep in another room? Is it motion, is it sound, is it light that wake them up? Can you minimize that enough to learn how to not wake them up, or can they find earplugs/a sleep mask that help from their side?

        It doesn’t sound like ADHD is the problem here, honestly. It sounds like your partner has you in kind of an unwinnable situation, and the best way to fix that is to renegotiate the rules of the game.

  • Not to be rude but do you work a job?

    It sounds like your partner does.

    It is disrespectful to mess with their sleep if they have to sleep so they can get up early.

    Your partner also sounds like they are being too mean about it. They are probably pissy/tired but that's also not a mature way for them to communicate.

    It feels like there's some resentment from them and maybe some communication issues between you two.

    • The real question is, do they HAVE to be there for them to go to sleep? Because if they needed to sleep, what stopped them? Sounds to me like there's a sleeping problem here and that's not OP's fault.

      I don't see any way that OP messed with their sleep. A simple "I'm going to bed, try not to be too loud when you come home." would have done wonders. Then OP could chat, come home, do whatever chores quietly, and go to bed.

      Whether you have a job or not does not relate to what privileges of freedom you get.

  • I have ADHD, as does my wife. Here's what we've learned.

    First and foremost, handle your ADHD. It doesn't just go away on its own. You might medicate it away for awhile, but it's progressive and it'll be back. You need a combination of strategy, lifestyle changes, and medication. A therapist experienced with ADHD is great, but literature exists if therapy isn't affordable.

    My wife is a great example of what not to do. She never pursued therapy, doesn't take great care of herself, and never developed any coping strategies past popping more pills without taking medication breaks. Now she's at the maximum dose of adderall combined with strattera and it's not cutting it. Since her ADHD is out of control, she's having difficulty developing strategies to handle her situation and it is torture for both of us. Similarly, if you have any emotional trauma, get on that now. These things only become more impactful and harder to handle with time.

    No one makes assumptions. We don't make inferences, we don't play guessing games, we don't try to read minds. If one partner doesn't directly request something, they have no right to be upset if they don't get it. If one doesn't directly state something, they have no right to be upset if it isn't understood. It's nice when my partner anticipates my needs, but it's unreasonable to expect them to. 

    Have regular, formalized meetings to discuss needs and the state of your relationship. Important communications are finalized in  impersonal, precise, "business style" writing and made accessible. We've had far too many agreements that led to conflict when it turned out someone later mixed up details or never understood to begin with. We have a giant dry erase board in the dining room where important reminders are left.

    • This is good advice, thank you <3 I am handling my ADHD, I've started medication and going to therapy. Those formalized meetings were also an idea I had, I definitely want to put that into action. If we still have a future together... the past couple years and my untreated ADHD have taken a heavy toll and I feel like both our feelings have already been badly damaged :(

      • What matters most is you're doing something now! My wife and I have been together for over a decade and she's only now starting to really work on her issues. I love her and we're still together. She's also not the sole source of issues, just the main source of ADHD issues, which is why she was thrown under the bus (for educational purposes). I contribute plenty, just as I suspect your partner does too. Don't beat yourself up.

        One thing that has been helpful for me is taking an objective as possible accounting of positive and negative contributions to the relationship, with what is being done to address anything seriously negative. It's a good reference when I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed or am mentally beating myself or my wife up, which is never helpful.

  • I have been with my wife for 31 years and in my opinion the problem here is your partner, not you. My wife used to ask me to do all sorts of asinine things when we were young "to prove to her that I cared". Stupid stuff like doing a specific thing every night without fail, which is impossible for someone with ADHD. These sort of demands were toxic and all they accomplished was to damage our relationship.

    If your partner cares about you, they should be considerate of your condition and make an effort to accommodate you. Also, interfering or putting pressures on your therapy/support is unacceptable.

    Please do not damage yourself for someone else.

  • Not financial advice and i do not have adhd.

    Being neurodivergent is not a choice, so having to feel sorry for yourself, over something out of your control, seems like a bad idea.

    I think it's fine that you try to cater to a neurotypical partner, but i feel like she could be more understanding of it.

    If your partner feels hurt over how your brain literally works, maybe she is not understanding enough.

    I would try to let my partner know how my brain works, if you are fine with it nice, otherwise maybe staying together is detrimental to both of us.

    Wish you luck!

    • I am starting to think that maybe we just don't work together because even though I'm trying I will keep fucking up and hurting them and I'm starting to think that maybe we can't give each other what we need, even though it's breaking my heart and my partner has been understanding in other regards. But feeling like their needs aren't considered is a sore spot for them. Which I understand. Which is why I try my best. But I keep forgetting things or I keep not being able to think ahead enough and it makes them feel like they don't matter.

      • Do you have the feeling that YOUR feelings are being adequately considered?

        That is a very important question to ask yourself.

        From many comments you see the suggestion you might be in an unhealthy relationship, and it might be not you who is wrong. However you feel the need to explain to others that your partner has a kind of "excuse", the migraines. Only the two of you know how your relationship feels like, so only you can know whether it is something worth to continue, or is hurting at least one of you enough that breakup would be better.

        You make an impression that YOU TRY YOUR BEST. Your partner must trust you enough to accept that THIS IS THE BEST THEY WILL EVER GET.

        If they cannot learn to accept that, you should probably break up. But of course you gotta communicate and verbalize so your partner can know how your reasoning was and that you cared and that you tried.

        I've been together with my partner for over 10 years. Since I got my ADHD diagnosis like 2 years ago and she learned that it's not like I am not trying, but I just can't meet her standards because my brain is literally wired in a different way. And she understood. And our relationship, which was already pretty good, immediately got much much better. Because she started accepting that certain of my quirks are not fixable. And she trusts me enough that I'm honest when I do my best vs. I'm not trying or caring and do not even want to try. We distinguish between "me" (there we can discuss and argue) and things that are "because of ADHD" (there she knows the fight is futile and expecting something from me I can never do is a setup for disappointment).

        That is the way this works, between ADHD and a non-ADHD partner. My partner also has her share of "quirks" and struggles, which in turn require my acceptance. You need to talk very openly, and trust each other that you are being honest with yourselves and them.

  • Like others are saying, we don't have the full story, but from this your partner sounds like they don't understand / take account of your needs and abilities. But you've said in another reply that they're considerate at other times.

    Something to add is that stuff about sleep is highly emotional for lots of people. I'm the adhd one, but I have a much earlier body clock than my partner. If I've been up early and want to go to bed, I want to go NOW, but they like us to get ready for bed together, which just ends up with me hassling them to go to bed and I often get irrationally angry with them because I'm worried about not getting enough sleep and my next day being ruined and so on. But I make a specific effort to try and mask that because I know it's irrational, and they have their own sleep issues, that I want to be supportive of... But when you're tired and worried about sleep it's hard to stay reasonable. So, just worth keeping in mind when thinking about their reactions, that they themselves might see that they were being overly sensitive?

    • Yeah sleep is super emotional for them because it plays such a huge role for their well-being. The migraine attacks they suffer are crippling and often accompanied by vertigo - it's seriously not a joke and as a person who's sensitive to sound myself when I want to sleep I can totally relate.

59 comments