Im dating someone and I have a question (serious anwsers only plz)
Im dating someone and I have a question (serious anwsers only plz)
So, I'm currently dating someone, and it's my first time dating. I was a kissless virgin before this but I’m not kissless anymore ^^. Anyway, we get along really well, sharing a lot of interests and similar views. They're a "newer" lefty, but they have a good head on their shoulders and are open to learning. We’re really excited about each other. We've talked a lot over voice chat, had three dates so far, and exchange a bit of daily texting. At this point, I'm pretty sure we're going to become a couple, maybe even for a longer time.
Today is our 4th date, but I do not intend to tell them I love them because I'm not really sure how love feels. I definitely feel attraction, and it seems very mutual. I guess my question is: When do I tell someone I love them, and how do I know when I truly love them?
Im asking because this is literally my 1st time dating and I have never been involved in anything romantic.
You’re in something new and exciting. Enjoy it. But try to avoid putting unnecessary pressure on it with the big L which implies something very profound.
Your feelings are real but also they’re new feelings. What comes easily can go easily which is why if you say it too early you’re suggesting you can just as quickly fall out of love.
Enjoy it. Try to take it all as lightly and joyfully as possible while still valuing it the way you do.
Love is when you're excited about someone not because they're new, but because they're not new. When they feel like an incredibly important and safe and secure part of you...that's love. To me anyway
Hey. Really pleased for you. But hold off on the L word for a few months. I've ruined at least one early relationship by scaring her off with a premature admission of love. Which now in retrospect was probably not what I was feeling
Not yet, be cool. Even if it is love, there's nothing good that can come from voicing it this soon. Let it play out
What a fun sexy, time for you!
When I tell my lady I love her it is a affirmation that I have no doubts about our continued partnership.
Personally I think love is what comes after the state you are in wears off. You are infatuated with this person which is an awesome feeling but it doesn't last forever. It is for all intents and purposes an altered state like taking reality warping drugs. Enjoy it for as long as you can.
"I love you" is an unquantifiable statement that means a million different things to different people. Say things like "you are amazing" "I like [thing about them]" "You are my favorite person" "I have never been as happy as I am around you" instead. Eventually after you run out of those sort of materialist statements "I love you" can become a short hand stand in.
People will disagree but I think saying you love somebody before you've known them for 6 months (4 at hard minimum) mostly indicates you can't tell the difference between crush hormones and love. You have to let the initial surge of excitement die down first, because it can paper over a lot of differences. Love feels like different things to different people but for me it's just a deep slow contentment with occasional surges of affection.
This is just vibes, but can't you say something like "I like you" or "I really like you"?
Congrats!!! You can tell them after 100 dates or right away, whatever feels right. You'll just know when you truly love them when it feels right to say it. Love is weird like that. It'll feel like deeper than being friends with them
I'm thankful to be in a similar phase of dating someone, but I don't plan on saying love until we get closer. Idk if that's in a few dates or a few months
Yeah, I dunno what to say about old relationship energy love. Like when you've been together so long you just, like, share a wavelength. They're on your mind often. Someone who always has your back, when you have no one else to count on - your partner is there with you. When you walk in a room and can already feel that something is wrong or bothering them before they say anything, or you can feel their elation. Waking up to their smell everyday, even the kind of funky morning smell. You really become one... that kind of love is easy to know you should say "I love you" even though at that point it doesn't really need to be vocalized at all.
For new relationships, yeah you just kinda feel it out when it's time. They stop being a fling or casual and start being more, and you're past the sheer infatuation stage too where the whole world sings when you just see them or read a text - although, I guess the world still sings a little lol
Comgrats on the smoochin
I've always just told people when I feel that early "puppy love", which usually is a bit of a shock to them. I hate that term because it implies it's not real love, but I do recognize that it's different from the feeling of love that comes later, when you're more clear headed about the future of your relationship.
As to fears about scaring them off by saying it to early, it's a reasonable fear. People can be scared of commitment, and if they feel like things are moving too fast they could pull away. I think the right way to handle it is to feel them out by telling them romantic things that aren't a blunt, "I love you", and see how they react. Move it forward at a pace they seem comfortable with.
I'm not a native english speaker, but seems like a heavy phrase for a fourth date, you gotta know them better
Something more appropiate I think could be "I'm really falling for you" / "I'm in love" / "I'm really enthraled" / "I'm really arrowed [by cupid, (im pretty sure you don't have this idiom)]"
I agree that it is to early to tell them I love them. My question is when is the right time and how do I know when that is. (Im not a native anglo either)
You'll feel it when it's time, that's really the only way lol
I told my first ex I loved them before we started dating, don't recommend that. Told my most recent ex I loved them after she said it to me first, and it was probably too early at a couple months and a handful of dates in but I was fine with it - I had wanted to say it earlier than she did.
I dunno, you just feel it. There's no like guide or whatever. It's like trying to describe what being sad or being angry is... you just feel you're in love and the time you say it is probably going to be the right time.
It's always good to both know how engaged is the other part, in case any would like to go slower (or faster I guess). And it's important to be honest at it, cuz maybe saying "I love you" sounds like you are probably exagerating right now. Sure, you feel a strong conection, but how much do you actually know the other person to tell then that?
So, tell them you are falling hard for them, but wait some (months? Weeks? Idk mate you just feel it lol
I don't think you should say you love them after 4 dates. It can depend though. My previous relationship I don't think I ever truly felt I loved them, though I did eventually say it back to them after quite a long time.
This time, me and my partner said it simultaneously. We are both pretty attachment averse people, but for us it happened fast. Probably like 1 and a half months in, but we were on a project together abroad so we hung out a hell of a lot.
Some things that may be worth considering:
- some people like to wait out the 'honeymoon'/'puppy love' period of dating first, when everything is still butterflies in their tummy and wait until it's replaced by a more stable sense of happiness to see the other person rather than just 'excitement', if that makes sense. Relationships may not make it past the puppy love phase and that's okay, so not confessing to a deeper love is a way that some people protect their own emotional commitment until they're more certain
- another (conservative) approach is only saying it when you are confident that you'll receive the reply 'I love you too' back, this requires watching your partners moods and language to see if they're using more affectionate language. If either/both of you are hesitant people then it's likely that you will both feel it before you say it, using this method narrows down the risk of awkwardly finding out the other person doesn't feel the same way
- thirdly is asking, "How do you feel about me, is this like or is this something more" and then having a conversation about how you feel, then you can put forward "I think I love you"/"I love you" out there after broaching the topic of feelings first rather than saying it unexpectedly.
- fourthly (romantic?) is waiting until a moment of passion, maybe a deep kiss, and then saying it then. It can make the moment better and then clears the air for you to say it later...
Still, everyone/every relationship is different so it may not fit into any of these patterns. Very happy for you and enjoy this cherished period of your relationship
Tell them you love them when you are absolutely sure that you do, and when you are certain you are willing to commit to this relationship for a longer time.
No need to rush it, especially if they have not said anything along those lines yet either.
Edit: As for "When do I know that I truly love them" I'd say that's the case when you not only feel attracted to them, but also actually care about their wellbeing. When it hurts you to see them hurting, or when it brings you joy when they are happy, that's probably love.
Thanks, I think this helps. I'm still figuring out my feelings toward them, even if they are very positive.
Love is when every organ in your body feels like it will leave your mouth if you ever lose this person.c
You will know. Just relax and enjoy each other anyway. There's really no need whatsoever to put a name on it, people rushing to do so are usually doing so out of some sort of insecurity.
The biggest piece of advice I think anyone dating should receive is to make sure you don't let insecurities overtake you. A lot of relationships seem to die because the two people involved push each other apart over their own insecure behaviours.
I didn't tell my gf I loved them for almost 2 years, but I have mental problems.
love isnt this real definitive thing that looks and feels the same for everyone. your feelings are brain chemicals, dont put so much pressure on yourself to box them into neat little categories.you dont want to say it too early, give it at least 2 months. if they say i love you its good to say it back somewhat soon, but beyond that dont stress too much
four dates is generally too early, not because love is a singular monolithic thing that follows universal rules, but it does imply a deeper knowledge of someone beyond the Everything Is Exciting Just Starting To Get To Know Each Other Phase. however within that phase you absolutely can sense the potential for a deeper love imo, so this is all very positive and exciting. happy for you comrade, just go with the flow and keep enjoying this connection as it grows.
spoiler
in a similar thing myself right now if a little bit further along (a few months), she is beyond lovely and the fact i met her off one of those satanic dating apps feels like a small miracle.
Id wait until you're at least a month into the relationship tbh. Then there'll be a day where there's a moment where it feels perfect to say for the first time and then you do and it's nice.
Wait a bit.
Look up the difference between limerence and love.
It's great to be excited, but as others have alluded to, you want to be certain yourself that it isn't just the heady joy of someone also being romantically interested in you
Usually 2ish months is adequate to determine if it really is love; if you're still getting butterflies in your stomach at that point, you can be more sure of it
Love is when you are planning for yourself and notice that every option worth considering factors them in.
You don't. That's the fun part. I am going to go a little father than some other comrades here. Love is just a more intense version of like. It is mostly the same chemicals in your brain. The Greeks broke Love up into like six or eight diffrent emotions. Looking those up might help clarify your emotions. When you just start a relationship you get a big wave of heavy emotions that are hard for most people to process. You don't have a huge well of experience to draw on this time it is difficult to know how you are feeling and how that can vary.
My spouse and I waited 5 months to tell each other, and I let them do it first, even though I really wanted to say it like right away, like you. Loving someone is the combination of the way they make you feel and knowing who they truly are deeper than the surface. Let the honeymoon period end and then say it. 4-5 months is I think totally reasonable.
I'll put it like this - you adore someone you can stay up all night talking to, but you love someone who you could shit your pants around because you have food poisoning, because you know they'd just laugh and bring you clean clothes and then tease you about it for years. Can you see the difference? Good luck
I'm addition to all the comments you've already gotten, this is highly dependant on where you live. The cultural differences on how common or even expected an "I love you" is varies wildly. It's also a very personal decision that quite honestly it's hard to ask for advice about.
That being said, I'd always prefer to hold it back initially, even if that's how you (think you) feel. Months (multiple) is a good measure to start of with. Also the reception can be very different depending on the perceived implications. Some people literally run when they hear it, some run when they don't hear it, which is why this is such a personal judgement call. Not just depending on you but also your (potential) partner.