Been dealing with depression lately. Anyone else feel like there's just...nothing for them? Anywhere?
Been dealing with depression lately. Anyone else feel like there's just...nothing for them? Anywhere?
No job prospects. The work I do to support myself is come and go, and im probably gonna miss rent again. The older I get, the less friends it seems I have. None of my hobbies/passions excite me right now and just feel like a pain in the dick when I think about doing them. Every day is the same goddamn routine unless I go stay at my partners place.
It's cold and I hate going out in the cold, so that just compounds stuff further. Everything is dead outside. I'm tired, im always so tired. I can never get enough sleep no matter how much I actually get.
Feels like I'm just existing and I hate it.
I’ve been feeling like that recently.
Sending love, and hope the feelings go away soon
I want to be very clear that YES, this is the depression talking. Everything you described is real and frustrating but not insurmountable and it sounds like you are starting out in a down place before looking at each.
If you are not in therapy I would seriously suggest looking into it to try to learn coping skills to pull out of negative moods. If books are your thing I really really rely on the methods in David Burns's Feeling Good. At very least I think it is helpful to be vocal with someone you trust and who loves you about the kinds of moods you can fall into. Don't inflict it on them but just try to describe neutrally, and maybe tell them they don't need to solve it but just listen at first.
Also Seasonal Affective Disorder is real.
Sorry if any/all of this is already very obvious to you, maybe it will help someone else in the future also.
Source: constantly battling crippling depression but trying to make the best of it lol
Rooting for u comrade
therapy can't fix systems of oppression. therapy can't make everyone else tale covid seriously. therapy can't create third places in my car dependent suburb.
therapy is a bandaid and all these problems are gushing mortal wounds.
Would you rather I had just killed myself? Sorry for not consulting you in my treatment program, the prescription is obviously to overthrow global capitalism myself in my lifetime.
All-or-nothing thinking is counterproductive. When you have a wound, do you just let it get infected, or do you apply first aid?
Maybe leave it alone when my response was clearly trying to help a comrade who is suffering? Inappropriate
Oh, definitely SAD playing a role here. I am in weekly therapy thanks to my partner, but my guy is out this week, so no session tomorrow. I'll be recording instead during that time, so I have a reason to get up and out of bed tomorrow.
Thanks for sharing. Sending love!
It might be worthwhile getting some bloodwork done. I know recently I was dealing with some feelings of despair… and it turned out I was vitamin D deficient. It probably won’t be a magic fix, but it definitely helps if it’s a contributing factor.
I can never get enough sleep no matter how much I actually get.
this was 2021-2023 for me. it turned out i had moderate obstructive sleep apnea. i just thought i was getting old and the world was falling apart, which are true statements. but the apnea thing had been silently building and its effects are cumulative over the years of never getting any real rest for the mind or body, as it would have to stir itself roughly every 2-3 minutes because i had stopped breathing. all of this unnoticed by me, just tired in the morning and tired all day and tired in the evening. sneaking naps when i could. i only did the sleep study because my PCP had been voicing her suspicions for nearly a year and pushing me to get it done. i was blase about all of it, but figured i would check the box to get her off my case about it.
my first real good night's sleep in several years, if not a decade, was january 2024. the materials said the effects of treatment were also cumulative and it would take months to disentangle my mind and body from what had happened to them, but after that first night i knew i was on the right track. i didn't wake up irritable. i didn't feel like i wanted another hour of sleep. i just calmly opened my eyes like an android, took note of the time, oriented myself, and started my day. i'm nearly a year later, and there's no question in my mind it saved my life in more ways than one. as my senses grew sharper, i noticed opportunities to improve my situation and had the energy and will to pursue them. i made conscious choices to replace good habits with bad habits. it all snowballed. "drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest" seems to be the perennially good advice for life.
i'm not saying you have sleep apnea and that this is your way forward or that diagnosis/treatment of everything isn't plagued by capitalist BS. however, i have noticed that a lot of people do have the apnea and are ashamed or embarrassed about having it, so they don't mention it until i'm like evangelizing to them one-on-one out of nowhere about how treatment changed my whole ass life. so its like this hidden epidemic. and i had no clue what was going on, despite being pretty invested/involved in my body and meta-cognition.
anyway, hang in there. i saw a corgi on a walk yesterday in the cold and it had on little yellow rubber boots that matched the poncho, which it seemed quite proud of as it eagerly pulled the bipedal parent along. everybody on the street was sort of transfixed by the scene.
Awww, dogs in boots are always adorable.
As for sleep apnea, I am most certain that I probably have one. What was it like to get a proper diagnosis, and was there anything cheaper than a machine that helped you out?
It was... not great, even living here in Sфviёт Cдпдdд. So much for universal health care—lungs and brains are luxury organs, just like our teeth are luxury bones.
The referral to the sleep study was pretty straightforward, and didn't cost me anything. They sent me home with a portable machine to wear attached to my face, and it recorded my breathing overnight. Then I went back to the clinic, they told me, "Yep, you definitely have obstructive sleep apnea." And then they asked me to pay $2500 for the machine and mask (which is about triple what it's actually worth at retail prices—and that's certainly marked up substantially).
Mercifully, my partner and I were both working at the time, and we had pretty okay health insurance, so split between our plans, our "health and wellness spending accounts", and putting the whole thing on a line of credit until they reimbursed us a month later, I was able to get my CPAP machine.
It's failing now, since that was over a decade ago. I'm dreading my next doctor's visit.
my employer at the time was OK as far as benefits go, though those benefits were being steadily eroded so there was some lameness.
but logistically, during a routine appointment, my primary care set me up with a referral to the sleep clinic. I contacted the clinic made an appointment for a virtual consult. a 15 minute conversation with that person set me up with an appointment to come in and pick up a gameboy-sized pack with a sort of harness and some attachments where the clinician explained how I wear it and hook it up before bed so it could monitor my movements, breathing, and pulse/ox via the finger. they gave tips on how to sleep with it on and there was a little book to follow. I think they only needed like 4-6 hours of me being asleep to make a diagnosis, so they said if I woke up and shit was unplugged it wasn't a big deal. but I had to bring the pack back the next day and wait 10 minutes in the lobby for them to confirm it had enough recorded data, which it did. within a few days they gave me a diagnosis and another virtual appointment to discuss my severity (moderate) and treatment options. she wanted to start me on a machine and they set me up with an appointment to go into a DME shop who took my insurance and sent them my diagnosis/treatment settings. so I went in there and a super nice, gentle lady spent like an hour with me explaining how it worked and helped me pick out/try out different masks and shit based on what was important. everybody in this process confessed they also had apnea and confided they preferences for treatment. the DME lady got me all set up and talked about how the machine could be rented or purchased (this is where my insurance went shit because they negotiated away purchase to force rental, but if you can purchase or rent to own it's so much better... I got lucky in that I changed employers and my next insurance company / employer (after phone calls from me) just covered it all and I stopped having to pay anything. union job lol. they ship me new stuff and consult about how things are going every few months, letting me know about all the no cost stuff I can get to try other masks or whatever.
anyway, after the initial consult/sleep test at home, and treatment consult, it's actually been very chill. it sends my usage data and info to the clinic on its own via cellular network and they can make adjustments or whatever if needed. I adjusted to it immediately, though I didn't think I would. theyl advice I got was to take it home and try it on just hanging out on the couch or whatever to get used to it while not trying to sleep. shit, 10 minutes later I almost fell asleep.
anyway, I started looking forward to going to sleep because it's like actually restful and restorative.
so I had OK insurance that downgraded after a few months, then upgraded to good insurance about 8 months into treatment when I moved a thousand miles away to a new employer, which was a logistical pain in the ass at the time but as I was getting good sleep I had the energy and drive to stay after it.
You are the best, Corg! I hope you feel better soon
Thankd Dirt Owl, I love you
I highly recommend a gigantic pot of chili. It might just be that I am highly food motivated, but during the winter I get enormous comfort out of having a warm bowl of beanis and rice waiting for me when the day is over.
And it freezes great!
Had a bowl of barley and mushroom soup last night, was really nice!
Chili sounds great! But I need some corn chips with it.
i've felt profoundly alienated and unable to connect on basic things lately.
I am having a very hard time finding work, and i'm realizing the world is both worse than i thought, and i'm starting to doubt my willingness to do what it takes to fight it.
I really just want to hide, and spend all day learning and reading what i can, trying to forget people want to destroy me for my identity. I can barely stand going outside lately. I don't find as much joy in anything, i'm often emotionally blunted. I just lost a family member that was dear to me, and maybe that's part of it.. but honestly this has been going on longer than that. it's just getting worse.
i've been forcing myself to go outside and make new connections when I can, and it seems to be helping at least.
Sorry for your loss, comrade. I can totally relate to feeling emotionally blunted. I force myself to not make new connections, but at least go out and be social with the bartenders at my favorite spot. I also like taking the corgi too, and perch up with her next to the register so everyone can pet her when they get drinks or whatever. She likes to meet people, and while I tend to not talk to much, I know it makes her happy which does a little something for me.
Yeah, I know them feels love
The only saving grace I have is that I have a kind and caring partner who basically drags me out of my personal plague pit every day
A real
Do it for herkind of galI'm lucky to have my partner, I'd be in a much worse place without them since they help me with food costs and the occasional bill. The pups get me up and out of bed every day, but all 3 of them can only go so far to help my mental state, ya know?
Sending love
It would be too much to explain how, so I'm just coming in here to log a 'yes'.
spoiler
Hope things look up soon, you're the best
Moods like this always tell me I need escape
Not like escape from my problems (though that would of course be nice), but escape from me. That stagnant routine becomes a welcome backbone to my day-to-day when I'm really ensconced in something, be it a piece of media or a creative project of my own. Even just a couple hours of being so mentally involved in something that my awareness of myself melts away is deeply restorative. Maybe your depression doesn't stem from boredom like mine did (I think) but if it does, a little time in the flow state usually does the trick
Edit: this is very therapist-tone and I don't like it, so I want to also say something chummy and shitposty like "keep existing to enjoy the days Kissinger can't"
I actually totally get that. I'm gonna hit up the band space in just a bit and I'll be recording all day, so that'll be something nice.
yuuuuup
no partner, community, or job and no way to get any of those without immense suffering and even if i tortured myself to try there's no reason to expect success. it's like a slot machine but you get a bone broken every time you pull the lever and the prize is still suffering under capitalism and all the other social ills marginalizing us.
What a good way of putting it. That really is what it seems like.
We could do a zoom call with people here to hang out and chat? Community is community...
opsec concerns aside, i'm the wrong king of neurodivergent for that.
i have some online friends and i cherish them but they are not adequate and hug.jpeg is not
une pipea hug
I'm sorry corgi :( Yeah, our world is really good at making us feel worthless. Depression is a really rough feeling, especially when the seasons start coming into play. I've felt like I've been in auto pilot for a while and that's definitely a hard feeling to deal with. We keep putting up with the auto-pilot for those great moments like getting to stay at your partner's place, or getting a tutu for your pupper.
Thanks comrade
You sound sad for sure but at the same time you come off as a strong person. With all that sadness in your life you are still getting up and facing the world almost every day. We are all in the hamster wheel race my friend! Keep your head up!
:yea:
Yeah I'm gonna take this opportunity to trauma dump a bit. Put it behind a CW, I get pretty dark but I really felt like typing this out, especially after I had a really awful day at work today.
spoiler
I've always had issues with depression but this is the first time in my life I've felt really materially hopeless. Like I straight up don't really see my life getting better at all, at best it will remain about as good as it is now which I'm not enjoying, if it gets worse I don't know how I'll handle it.
I'm in my mid-30s and still working retail and it's getting more and more stressful each year. I'm a stupid fuck up but finally got my shit together and decided to go back to school for something actually valuable, but now the job market is fucked and it's only going to get worse so I've just accepted this master's I'm getting is going to be worthless. I'm just stuck in this and need to accept it. Also I've given up on relationships. I don't like saying this because I feel like it comes off as kinda incel-ish, but I'm a cis, mostly hetero man and I feel like there just not much romantic opportunity for me anymore, at least as a 30 year old. Women are, totally justifiably, fed up with men, I'm frankly fed up with men. I think it's totally right that many of them want nothing to do with us, but it does leave me single.
Ironically I'm actually less doomer about the world at large, I have some hope for humanity, but I think it's over for the corner I occupy. I just see things getting worse. I really wish I could just get enough money to buy a cabin in the woods and be alone, away from all the noise and stress, but I don't have the resources even for that.
I quit drinking recently, but I think I'm going to start again. I enjoy it, it's fun, and I don't see the point in not. It was hurting my health but I don't care that much about my health anymore and just want to enjoy what I can. I don't intent on actually harming myself, that would hurt my family, but I'm not really going to take care of myself beyond that anymore.
Ey, mid 30s too! I'm one year without booze, but if you can have a healthy relationship with it, no need to pile any guilt on yourself. Hope things look up soon, and glad you're hanging in there!
I'm not hanging in there, I've just given up. There's really no way things are getting better short of a miracle so I'm just accepting it and trying to enjoy what I can. I'll be a sad bum working in retail and rent a basement from my dad forever. But it's okay I got booze and video games.
you're lucky you have a partner.
I'll never have one, or even be able to hook up or have a fling or FWB or anything, because I'm a NEET on disability.
I don't wanna come off like I'm espousing platitudes, but I genuinely hope you find someone. It sucks, but keep trying, it'll happen
if it wasn't for my partner eventually i would have just stopped giving a shit and done something stupid with drugs on purpose
i know im in a differnet spot then you this is so fucked but the only good thing about climate change is my SADD comes later now and is shorter. but then hits again in the summer?
i love hiking and can't stand the world all dead and sterile like when you come out of the vault in fallout. so i just started embracing that and finding abandoned stuff to hike around
love ya im sleepy hope that made sense just sharing stuff
It did, love ya too! Always happy to hear from ya!
Yeah I feel this way a lot i hope you feel better
I have dysthymia so I get it. It sucks feeling like you are just in waiting mode all the time just for nothing to ever really happen, and no energy to do things you otherwise enjoy.
mood
Ooooph yeah that waiting mode gets me too. Band added a new guy a month or two ago and we have to do practice at like 930 or 10pm cause he's got work/wife/kids, and it throws off my whole day mentally since I'm just waiting and waiting to go to the space
Yeah. Shit sucks but I remain. What else can I do?
Feel you on that.
Winter + the grind of capitalist society just fucks over so many people. I've been putting in an effort into improving my social life over the past year and it doesn't feel like I've made a ton of progress. A lot of it is just schedules not working out, but sometimes I feel like its just me.
And I just don't know anymore. Been at this life thing for a while and all it feels is like I'm not really going anywhere.
Hard same, getting older sucks. Hope you find some friends soon!
Yes... all the time. You aren't alone. If you ever need anyone, my dms are always open to anyone who just needs someone to talk to
Thanks comrade. Same goes to anyone reading this, I'm always happy to listen, even if I might not know what to say.
Also, good to see another crust fan! We have a few others here too! Whatcha been listening to lately?
I feel similarly. I don't know how to affect any change in my own life anymore. I'm sorry. I hope things get better for both of us going forward.
As far as my corner of the world goes, I have nothing going for myself as a person and it is crushing me. Honestly, I'm so bitter that it's hard to write a response to you that is constructive, but let me try:
You have things going for you, like those musical projects. It probably will be a pain in the dick, but if you want things to change, my suggestion is to bite the fucking bullet and do them anyway. You're a musician, right? Surely you know that sometimes the prospect of practicing, especially on your own, sucks, and sometimes it's painful as you're practicing, but you won't get anywhere unless you practice anyway.
I've started late enough on music that it seems pretty preordained that I will never get anywhere, and I've spent years never getting anywhere, but I still practice every day because, if I admit that I can't do even this after all the other failure and loss in my life, I'd CW. Not the most inspiring story, but I think it demonstrates that even painful, miserable practice is doing something for my mental health.
definitely know how you feel, depression is a fuck but remember also life is a gift even when it doesn't feel like it is
The slog is real as fuck. Part of it is your brain being rude and using the depression to make you feel worse. Part of it is the very real problem of shit sucking and being difficult. So remember - you aren't making a mountain out of a molehill. But your brain still isn't making an accurate assessment. It's a helluva dichotomy and I don't have advice other than to keep up with any medication or therapy you've been doing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. And remember that the world might kinda suck but you, personally, are loved, and this shit isn't your fault or your responsibility to solve on your own.
You should make a big pot of soup. Soup is delicious and it's practically medicinal when the weather is cold and grim.
Made some barley and mushroom soup this weekend, gonna shower and have a bowl of that when I get home
Seasonal affective disorder exacerbates all this kind of stuff,
to keep you warmSeasonal affective disorder exacerbates all this kind of stuff,
to keep you warmcould be worse, at least you are one of the coolest dog breeds!
Aw shucks
I flip flop. One moment exactly what's the point it's all the same dead boring shit.
Then the next I've got 5 hobbies I simply must get going on and oh where will I find the time... It's all so exciting and urgent.
Then they are all pointless again.
Thankfully feeling good at the moment but we'll see how that lasts. Probably about half way through doing one of these hobbies.
Yeah, I can relate to that. Right now, being in a band is a complete fucking pain, but next week I'll be all "YOOO WHEN ARE WE TOURING AGAIN LETS GOOO"