What job do you do in Hell?

I must imagine Sisyphus happy. And once I do, I have to start all over again.
- As I recall if sisyphus gets the boulder to stay at the top of the hill he is restored to life so the very fact he pushes the boulder means he isn't happy

I'm the database architect, creating functional templates and a comprehensive system to manage all hell related data. Every day, I send all residents a huge excel file that they have to read and contribute to. It's important you have the right program on your computer so said excel file can pull data directly from your hard drive. To make this happen, you have to give me access to your email contact list. Here I have attached a handy 40 min video detailing how to exactly do this, now let's talk about pop and imap. Better yet, this weekend I've scheduled a 2 day workshop on email migration. Everyone in hell has to attend, but it's OK, I ordered a pizza. One pizza. Vegetarian tofu pizza. But before anyone can eat the pizza, we all have to talk about our feelings and write a poem about said feelings. Then we hug, do mandatory yoga, then talk some more about our feelings.
- Thought about taking that out. No offense meant to tofu lovers. I accept you, friend.
- Imagine making a database/excel sheet over all the personal hells. How do you systematize that shit? And every day it grows by thousands. Seems like the kinda thing that would be a hell in itself
  
  Hell is other people’s spreadsheets

I'm a middle level bureaucrat. Someones gotta keep the wheels of hell turning and make sure the correct forms are filled and filed.
- I'm imagining you telling Ftumch The Flayer that they need to fill out proper requisition forms before they go flaying, and this poor devil that has existed since before the invention of the word "Byzantine" suddenly has to do all sorts of admin work before they can get on with their actual job. Hell got bought by private equity
  
  "Look Ftumch, the consultants from level 7 have put a new system in place. You will not be flaying until you can provide these forms signed in triplicate and filed with the correct departments."

I stand by the entrance holding a pitchfork, cackling menacingly at the newcomers

Well I have a friend who lives near Hell and he works in a chicken factory, so package corpses I guess.

I pedal the big Machine.
No, I don't know what it does, there's only so much I can see from my seat and I don't get breaks to get up and walk around to peek at the full extent of it.

I spend all day in a conference room with Satan, telling him what good ideas he has and how epic his memes are.

i fill the soda machines
- For all the people manning the non-stop relay line for pissing in Thatcher's mouth?
  
  i meant the soda machines for the local mcdonalds franchise. distributing diuretics in the thatcher plaza is an honorable position, not a punishment.

Damn, it really would be hell if I needed to work after I died.
If I really had to work I'd want to be the demon in charge of making sinners walk over Legos barefoot.

I'm not even important enough to get my own hellish punishment so my job is to be an extra for someone else's torment.
Hell is other people after all.

I would say torture technician but i think i would probly end up as a Sulfur pool cleaner

I’m the face in the pillar of flesh that sneers at you when you walk by. It’s really important to me that everyone gets sneered at

Depends on wether I'm being punished or am punishing someone. If I'm punishing someone I'd like to have something to do with the people that step thru doors of a bus or train or metro during rush hour, and then immediately stop, blocking the entrance, despite there being a large crowd behind them that also needs to enter.
Maybe I make them drop stuff right before the train departs? Their ticket, and then I am a ticket controller maybe. Could be fun.
If I'm being punished my job would probably be to endlessly take the metro during rush hour.

I'm the guy that's constantly doing a collection for something, or has a card for you to sign, or my kids selling cookies

I'm the entertaining clown with a tragic past that ends up smashing one of the embodiments of sin.
- JRPG fourth party member ass character arc

Mostly work a precarious job for almost enough to get by comfortably while most everyone around you is doing just a little worse and you occasionally get little bits of hope about things getting better and they are taken away. Then the world gets worse.

This is it, we're in hell right now. Probably retail or food service, though getting electrocuted ever so often as part of my current is no fun.

I chew loudly next to the punished. For especially evil people I also pick my ears, bellybutton, and toes.

i get to torture terfs, but the catch is that i dont actually do anything, the terfs just know i exist

I'm the hyena-headed pigman who hoots and squeals and bangs axes on the bars of the entrance hall to welcome the new arrivals

Probably a file clerk, because to me hell looks more like Brazil (1985) than The Tower of Conviction.

I'm the guy having a normal life through the impenetrable glass wall the other side of the acid pit.