James Bond is responsible for many wasted vodka martinis

Let's start with Vodka. What a fucking waste. Vodka, at it's best, is supposed to be flavourless. So you're already off to a terrible start. If you're asking for a Vodka Martini you're asking for Strong Vermouth.
So let's get that out of the way. You need the standard gin. Gin is delicious. There are many different Gins to choose from. Gin has actual flavor. I like Hendricks, but try and figure out which Gun you like best. Beefeater is great for a gin & tonic, might not work as well in a Martini. Try a few different options.
Now we've got Gin and vermouth. Those two work together beautifully.
Now I like a good olive. I say make that fucker dirty. Extra dirty. OLIVE ME THE FUCK UP! That's what I want. You want it straight up? Fine. I think it's packing but it's the traditional way and I won't complain. You want a cocktail onion? That's called a Gibson and I ain't complaining.
But GIN THAT FUCKER UP. Fuck off with your weak ass Vodka Martini. I don't care if it's Grey Goose or some other "fancy" shit. That ain't no Martini.
- And make sure to use enough vermouth! None of this “wave the vermouth bottle near the shaker” nonsense. A martini should be about 1/4 vermouth as a starting point.
- ...try and figure out which Gun you like best.
  A warm one, they're happiness so I'm told.
  
  Bang bang, shoot shoot.
- I remember hearing a theory that he deliberately orders a mostly flavourless cocktail with very basic and common ingredients because it would make it easier to detect if someone had spiked his drink with something.
  Standard, off the shelf ingredients means you can't just spike the whole bottle ahead of time as each ingredient is pretty standard.
  
  He also liked it shaken because that waters the drink down more. Meaning he’d be able to sip it without getting as drunk.
  But the sad reality is that Ian Fleming was likely just an alcoholic who wrote his own vices into his characters.
- Beefeater is straight up nasty, though... I agree with the rest.
- And you need cold ice. It should be dry and close to 0f, not wet and already melting.
- Good gin is genuinely awesome and I generally don't like alcohol. Have you tried aged stuff like Slo Gin? It's quite a different treat

James Bond was an alcoholic, with good reason. He didn't drink vodka martinis for the taste, he drank them to dull the pain and horrors of his job. As much as he drank, he probably didn't really taste the booze anymore.
The original James Bond from the novels was a dark and brooding high-functioning alcoholic, who operated at his best with a drink or two in him at all times. He was pretty useless without the drink. A vodka martini would quickly get him in the right headspace to accomplish his latest mission.
The movie Bond was reinvented to be this dashing, handsome womanizer who drank and smoked socially and was charming as hell. Basically, a 1950s ideal male fantasy. This Bond probably could've used a classier drink than straight vodka, but that's one aspect of the books they kept pretty loyal.
- He was on alcohol and Benzedrine (amphetamines):
  https://www.thejamesbonddossier.com/features/champagne-and-benzedrine-amphetamine-use-in-the-james-bond-books.htm
- I haven't read the books. Is there any background for choosing vodka martinis in particular? As opposed to, say plain vodka. Was it just a more socially acceptable dose of alcohol?
  
  2 oz vodka because much of the time, he was a spy with Russian adversaries and he wanted to blend in, also note that he doesn't specify which vodka because he actually doesn't care. 1 oz Gordon's because beneath all that he's a true red blooded Brit and he'll always proudly drink British gin. Lilet Blanc because it's not his money and he's surrounded by wealthy people so he might as well buy the most expensive vermouth in the world. Shaken not stirred because he wants the drink to be cold, causing him to drink more slowly, and because it will water it down, meaning he will appear to be drinking more than he actually is and people will underestimate him. I can't figure out any obvious subtext for the lemon twist, but it is a very classy way to have a martini. Call it a Vesper to memorialize his first love, and emphasize that he doesn't and can't have a life outside of being a spy, he's condemned to this world.
  The Vesper is the best fusion of lore and a cocktail you could ever conceive and will never be topped.
  
  The Vesper is James Bond's personal invention, from the very first novel, Casino Royale. It's basically his own custom twist on the vodka martini.
  He explains he only has one drink before dinner, but he prefers it's a large one, ice cold, and made very well. He drinks plenty of other types of alcohol throughout the books, but he's pretty particular about this one evening aperitif.
  The movies kind of latched onto it and just made him drink vodka martinis in general. Although the 2006 film Casino Royale had him order his custom invention from a bar, almost word-for-word from the original novel. It's named after Vesper Lynd, the first girl Bond truly fell for in the novels.

(Though he’s probably responsible for an equal amount of wasted bourbon and whiskey)
- Whisky is good, but definitely an acquired taste
  
  I'm a whiskey drinker, and this is...accurate.
  Bourbons are often described as having notes of cherry or apple, vanilla and shortbread, like the baking soda tang from shortbread. That sounds nice, like a pie.
  Or they'll hand you an Irish whiskey with herbal or floral notes. It's pretty.
  Then they'll hand you a Scotch and say "This one's really great, it tastes like peat moss, smoke, iodine and leather" and you hesitantly ask if they'd like to go to the hospital.
  
  Gimme a nice peaty Laphroaig. Something that tastes like a tire fire on a football pitch
  
  Yeah. Acquired from the bartender.
  
  Not all of it lol.

That's because they're watered down weak martinis. The whole reason you don't shake a martini and you should stir it is because when you shake it it chips the ice and makes it melt faster. By shaking it he's making it weaker.
- It “bruises” the gin as well.
  
  This isn't a real thing.
  
  Not when its vodka...
- https://youtu.be/M8oibBJTEpc
  
  Thank you for getting that I didn't think anyone would

Yeah they’re vodka martinis. They ARE terrible lol. Gin is much better, more interesting with the botanicals. I usually do Beefeater gin if they have it
- If I'm not doing a small distillery gin I usually do Hendrick's.
  
  Satan's Maggoty Cum Fart has this right. A gin martini, specifically Hendricks has it right. Dirty is ideal.
  
  Gosh I tried Hendrick's for the first time last year. Polished off the bottle in two weeks, that's stuff is lovely in a G&T
- I do like a gin martini, but as a tequila drinker, nothing beats a dirty Tequila Martini.
  
  God that sounds disgusting. I think, for the first time in 4+ years of sobriety, I actually feel genuinely sad for not being able to try that one out. It sounds so awful it must be good.
  
  I like tequila with a pickleback, which is the way less classy version of this.
  
  Martinis do not involve tequila. That would be a different drink. When you change the single largest ingredient by volume you have a new drink
- Bonds Wodka Martini does have 3/4 of gin and only 1/4 of wodka:
  The International Bartenders Association (IBA) recipe calls for 45 ml gin, 15 ml vodka, and 7.5 ml Lillet Blanc in place of Kina Lillet

I read that while the martini was his signature drink, he actually is depicted drinking champagne more frequently in the films. So just drink champagne!
- Avoid brut though if you want to enjoy it
  
  As someone with thirty years at some of the top retailers in the wine business I will eternally disagree with this take. Most great champagnes are brut.
  
  The non-brut (I don't know the English term) is alcoholic soda, that's less enjoyable

I like them. I make sure to request "extra dirty" so I get a good olive flavor
- "Extra dirty please!"
  bartender mixes the drink with his penis
  
  o heyo yee now we talkin
- Wet martinis have extra vermouth, so my favorite spin on the classic is a "wet and dirty" martini. Extra olives of course
- Agree! I usually ask for them "filthy" bc olive with a hint of vermouth is exactly what I like about them. Those and bloody marys are the only savory cocktails I've enjoyed.

Vodka doesn't have much flavor, but the Vermouth adds a nice touch. Most Vermouth is crap, though and has a sharp edge. The Dolin Dry is more floral: https://www.bittersandbottles.com/products/dolin-vermouth-dry
As for shaking, it's a matter of taste. Vigorous shaking in a covered shaker with crushed ice breaks small shards into tiny crystals. These quickly melt, though, so it's really the very first taste where it's a bit tingly.
Toss in 3 large green olives with garlic or pimento and it's a pretty decent, hard to mess up drink that anyone can make at home.
- And brut is a nice champagne.
  
  brut is a designation of residual sugars in solution it is not a brand.

As a vodka enjoyer, I do love me a good Vodka Martini. But that shaken thing Bond has going on is pure blasphemy.
It's worth remembering that the taste doesn't just come from the vodka so the vermouth is equally important.
- Yeah I'm sure there is an audience out there. But you guys probably get your inspiration from somewhere other than films, and don't leave your glasses half full.
  Keep at it 👍🏻
- I read a theory that the shaken thing is to deliberately dilute the drink. Shaking melts more ice, which waters down the drink a bit, in order to stay relatively level-headed for any high stakes spying you might have to do later.
  
  That's a common myth; what it actually does is water it up. There's still 2 or 3 ounces of 80 proof booze in the glass, but now it has a few more drops of water in it.
  At one point in Casino Royale, Bond says he likes his drinks "very cold" which is probably the realistic reason for shaking. You can get a drink a lot colder a lot faster by shaking than by stirring.
  There's also...Ian Fleming wrote Bond to have a lot of cool and sophisticated opinions like that, at the time it sounded cool to have a custom bar order, whatever it was. Nowadays if you walk into a bar and start issuing a list of instructions to the bartender you look like a prick. If you're in an actual bespoke cocktail bar they probably have a style they're going for, or sir, this is an Applebee's.

So, I would love to know your recipe. Because that's where I'd guess you fucked it up.
I would guess you used vodka and used either too much vermouth or too little. (I'd guess you used too little rather than too much...) But what do I know?
You used dry vermouth, not sweet?
- Who uses sweet vermouth in a martini? That’s a different drink.
  Martinis are gin or vodka and extra dry vermouth.
  
  That is absolutely correct.
  I was asking the op if he used sweet vermouth to determine if op used sweet vermouth. Because that would be a Manhattan. Sorta.
  
  Some very early martini recipes call for equal parts gin and sweet vermouth. There's been a century-long trend toward dryer and dryer martinis until we arrive at the modern recipe:
  fill a tumbler full of ice, add three ounces of gin, pour half an ounce of dry vermouth down the sink next door, stir, strain into a cocktail glass, garnish with a green olive.

Yeah, they are awful. My mate bought all the ingredients and a fancy martini glass, had half of one, and gave up.
- Never try boxed wine.
  When I was 21, my job had someone lose an entire massive jug of wine in a box. It sat in lost and found for a month before I just took it.
  Second worst thing that has ever been in my mouth. I invited people over to try it. If they liked it, they could have it. I figured "I'm not a wine guy, but it's free booze."
  I couldn't take more than a sip. Nobody could.
  We had to throw the damn thing away.
  
  I can't stand wine (it's all vinegar to me, regardless of the price tag), but I know some connoisseurs who say there are plenty of good boxed wines. I don't think the container signifies the quality. My wife says one of the best wines she ever had was a 6 euro bottle of french table wine, better than a 150 euro bottle I got for her birthday.
  
  If not for boxed wine, how am I supposed to be the host for “Slap the Bag” at music festivals?!

You're not wrong!
I'm a fan of the martini - when I'm in the mood to drink. But make it gin, a good one like Boodles or some of the new stuff with citrus notes.
Another good shower thought today!

Even a gin martini is a bit of a mid cocktail IMO
There are plenty of much more interesting spirit forward cocktails out there
- When I was drinking, my favorite martini was Bacardi 151. They don't make it anymore, because the 151 is the proof. Meaning it's 75.5% alcohol by volume.
  What people were doing was taking the 151, pouring it in a glass, setting it on fire, and then drinking it while it was still on fire.
  Well, it's liquid. It spills easily, even little droplets. And it's on fire. So these drunk people in their early 20s were setting themselves on fire. The drink would spill onto their shirt, and now their shirt is on fire.
  On top of that, the fact that it was so strong was something young people weren't expecting at the time.
  So they'd drink it, with the same expectency of it being like jack danials, or skyy vodka. It's a little less than twice as strong as those. And it burns like fire going down. Even without literal fire. And then after a few drinks of that they don't have a nice buzz like they thought. They have a full on blackout drunk where they aren't in control of themselves AT ALL.
  That was my cocktail of choice 20+ years ago. Just a glass, pour in the 151, and that's the drink. Your "chaser" is that you lick a pussy riiiiiight after. I've been told it's a weird sensation. Like a warming and tingle on the clit, as it's being licked.
  
  It sounds like it's a good thing you quit

I mean, it's better than the normal kind made with gin. I'd rather taste vodka than Pine Sol, personally.
- Vodka is an awful spirit. Tastes like paint stripper. Gin, at least, has a fragrant taste to it. (Whitley Neil Quince gin is an absolute delight, as is Sloe gin).

That's why you gotta order them wet so there's more.vermouth in there. I prefer them dirty as well (splash of olive brine)

The price of liquor!

I noticed in my younger years that despite vodka's fairly neutral quality, I find that it can cause the worst halitosis after a heavy session of imbibing. Brushing and mouthwash doesn't make it go away. I've not experienced this with other distilled spirits. It's epecially nasty kissing someone who was drinking lots of it the night before.

Regular martinis are disgusting. Who thoughT mixing gin or vodka and ocean water would taste good?
However, martini variants are great. I love a good espressotini, or a super dirty tini. The classic is just... Bleugh
- An espresso martini is only a martini in the sense that it’s served in the same glass. Haha. Definitely a dessert drink.
  
  The best dessert drinks are served in a martini glass though.