Malaprops to the author, this is such a mess.
But I think he's right that it's tough to overcome actual bad looks. Like if you are both naturally ugly and also unwilling to even try to be stylish or fit or whatever (some offsetting physically attractive quality) then it can be a slog. But then why the "cute" standard for a girlfriend? If you aren't willing to put in the work why do you feel you can demand it of your partner? That is such an ugly attitude.
Yeesh. This guy has come to the conclusion that you can’t learn how to behave normally and that’s it’s a given trait. I think I see where their lack of success comes from.
Yeah, like in what world can you not learn to change your personality? I mean, sure, it's not always easy, but you always have a choice in how you present yourself.
Counterpoint: a lot of the time, no one actually tells you why they don't want to be your friend. People want to be polite and avoid talking about your negative traits, but they end up just perpetuating them because you don't know how to improve.
In addition, not everyone has a choice in how they present themselves. If someone has a physical or mental disability they might slur words, put weird emphasis on words, or do other things that disturb other people.
It's pretty much locked in once you hit your teens. You can nudge it a little, you can change how you present yourself but your personality is what you are. And you cannot change that significantly. Just try changing your core values, your ethics. Can you start believing and feeling like murder and rape is ethical?
I'm not sure how accurate this is but I've read it in a scientific article some time ago. In particular, it highlighted the connection to how likely people are to commit crimes based on personality and brain structure alone and whether you can actually be held responsible for crimes since there is at least some determinism.
i think people can change in their teenage years by the forced interaction in a small social environment at school. but once they reach adulthood, anyone in need of further personal growth just isolates and festers in their ways, avoiding confrontations that could prove them wrong. here's to hoping that you who scrolled this far down in this lemmy thread make an unlikely friend when you least expect it and become a little better than before 😎👍
“Which are looks or an extravagant personality”
Why won’t cure girls date me, I’m ugly AND boring!
It’s so sad that these people clump together and just reinforce each other’s insecurities. Sure if you look like a thumb and only want to regurgitate 4chan memes you aren’t a very desirable partner. But there are tons of guys that are not leading man attractive that have partners. How do they do it?
Do things, when you do the things if there are women there, treat them like the human beings that they are. The more things you do the more stuff you have to talk about, when you find people that like the same stuff you do and you treat them like people, they end up liking you… it’s really that easy.
It is maddening watching so many men gather together to try to unravel the mystery of “treat women as people” and the absolutely bonkers alternatives they will come up with. Did you know that there are fitcels? These are incels that bought the propaganda and decided “I’ll become the Chad” and dedicated themselves to building fit bodies. They still have the “-cel” suffix because for all the effort, all the hours in the gym, all the supplements, all the physical pain, they never realized that women are people.
It’s fucking wild. Maybe the internet was a mistake
You can tell the gym bros because they're the ones that spend most of the time trying to impress other men. They spend so much time trying to become "the alpha" that they don't realize that what they're actually doing is becoming an utter dick that no one wants anything to do with
importantly: "I'm ugly AND boring, AND i believe these things to be immutable circumstances of my birth"
What really baffles me is the fact that he seems to think looks and personality can't be affected.
There are multiple industries which exist solely to make people look better, even without considering cosmetic surgery.
Learning social skills is equally possible. Many, many books and classes are dedicated on the subject. There are many non-physical aspects of attractiveness, and social skills and personality are some, but shared interests, type of humour, mentality towards life, values and goals also play a part.
The fatalism in the post makes me sad for him.
Learning social skills is equally possible. Many, many books and classes are dedicated on the subject.
Except if you are aspie, those will both take enormous effort and feel so insincere that you will drop them past the initial acquaintance, if you manage that effort. Which is the point where you are most likely done for the same reason - people don't like insincere romantic partners.
Those non-physical aspects of attractiveness for some of us are not optional.
And mind that I do have good looks and even hobbies that may occasionally seem interesting for others, and cultural context ; all the most beautiful girls I've met where I attended social events would try to get romantic by their own initiative when I was someone new for them. Some would even say I have beautiful emotions, and in general characterize me as a good human, even later (when they thought I don't hear, in person they'd plainly ignore me). You know why every such spontaneous moment failed?
Again, because of simply being aspie - ashamed of being too weak (dropping hobbies, easily getting tired, too emotional, headaches, tired eyes, already feeling dirty in the middle of the day) to be good for a girl, ashamed of being stupid (that's purely anxiety, one can't look into her skull and tell if she cares, but it exists), ashamed of being insincere because looking into her eyes is a conscious effort, so I'm pretending I'm someone I'm not, and also petrified, because I don't know what to say. And previous wounds.
These comments terribly reduce the field of possibilities which would be the reason for such people not having romantic successes, OK?
The only correct answer is therapy. Preferably the therapist should be a woman too.
What's odd is that Anon is so close to achieving enlightenment. I got to a point in my life where I felt like I had no idea how to attract a romantic partner. I'd dated a few times, but each time it had kind of fell into my lap, and I never got the hang of talking to women I found attractive in a way that made it clear I was interested.
So I just gave up. I accepted that I had no idea how to get a date, and I just went about my life, pursuing things that I found interesting.
And, lo and behold, I wound up meeting the woman I would marry, albeit through the mechanism of someone straight up telling me that she was interested in me.
If you're focused on "getting" a girlfriend, you're thinking of a partner as a valuable object to be acquired, and you're not enjoying your own life, and improving yourself within that life. If you don't think of romance as a pursuit, but rather as something good that can happen within the context of living your life well, then you are much better off.
Also, you've really got to get it into your head and heart that women are people and not prey animals, which I'm going to be honest, it seems might be a detail that is escaping Anon.
I don’t think Anon is considering the set of all possible cute girlfriends or lending them enough agency. I think it’s somewhat reasonable if you’re app dating to assume that people are doing some amount of maximizing cute + interesting or something similar but I think that’s because the apps encourage people to gamify dating.
Anecdotally I’ve seen a ton of…erm…normatively mismatched couples form and find success in other contexts like dive bars, pick up soccer, chatrooms, kink communities, boardgame cafes, more traditional dating sites etc. Again anecdotally these relationships seem to skew (normatively) in the guy’s favor more often than the gal’s as far as looks and personality go despite the fact that complaints like this come more often from men.
what would be these more traditional dating sites you've mentioned?
3 of the couples I had in mind when I mentioned traditional dating sites used Match.com (between 2015 and 2022 in their mid 20s to mid 30s) and 1 couple each around the same time period/age demographic on specific religion dating sites (catholic chemistry and christian mingle)
Hmm, methinks that Anon (and all of us straight men) might do better by treating women as people. If we feel it's so important to have a cute girlfriend, then should we not respect that a woman might want a cute boyfriend? If we think women should keep an open mind about us, maybe set an example, and keep an open mind about non-physical traits that make a woman cute?
Yeah, it's always down to luck—that's just life—but being a good dude is putting your thumb on the scale in your own favor.
If we feel it’s so important to have a cute girlfriend, then should we not respect that a woman might want a cute boyfriend?
Isn't that what anon is doing? He's lamenting that because he is neither good looking nor particularly charismatic, the women he wants to date have no good reason to date him.
They are blaming bad luck for their shitty personality. No matter how ugly you are. You can do things to make improvements and become more attractive to a potential partner. (Diet, exercise, breathing through your nose (for real), getting a hobby that a potential partner would like (music, draw, express yourself through poems?, car maintenance, something))
They think they'll never find anyone because they're under 6ft or don't have dimples or whatever other thing these guys obsess over. It's really because they have a shitty personality that they won't improve their lives, so they blame everyone else for the actions that they aren't taking.
They are blaming bad luck for their shitty personality.
I wish I was the kind of guy who liked being social and meeting new people, but I'm not. I can force myself to do it, but I can't force myself to do it much (and I think people can tell that I would rather be going to the dentist). I didn't choose to be like this, and I didn't choose whatever inborn characteristics and childhood experiences made me end up like this. If there's a way to choose not to be like this, I haven't found it. I do think I got unlucky.
I'm not trying to complain about my fate here. I got lucky in a lot of other ways. I'm just saying that it isn't fair to tell people that they would be happier if only they were someone else.
This, but in order to find A cute girlfriend you would have to interact with girls which automatically ruins all hope of ever getting one because we font do that over here(cries in loneliness)
Just date men, anon. We dont need all these words for such a simple solution.
why is the image red now?
Please just suck my cock anon, please u need your sloppy toppy anon just be my cute gf anon I neeeeeeddd ittt 🥵🥵🥵😵💫😵💫😵💫🥸
