4mo ago

Learned the person I consider my closest friend doesn't consider me theirs

I posted a day or 2 ago about me and my friend going through it a bit. To sum up: The situation is largely resolved, we had a long in-depth talk about things and cleared the air, we're still close friends.

It's just that, during the course of our conversation I told him he's my closest friend and asked if I was his...and he said no. He said I was close, but not the closest.

I didn't ask who was, though I think I know. And if that person is indeed the one, I suppose I get it. He lost his mom and my friend helped him through it, and few things bring people closer than overcoming tragedy, which our friendship has largely been free of. This person is a good guy.

I know it seems petty, and I'm trying not to let it bother me, but ngl, no matter how much I try to logic it away in my mind: It hurts.

It hurts to know I'm no one's #1 friend, and maybe no one's #1 anything.

11 comments

why are you counting in the first place?
I was personally able to make peace with this a few years ago.
We are only ever the centre of one universe.

Friendship and relationships are not a leaderboard. You aren't lesser just because you haven't achieved "#1", which is an unhealthy way to think of other peoples closeness with you

It's definitely not a contest, and friendship isn't something you should quantify

I know I'm no one's closest friend. It hurts, I'm sorry.

Wow you have friends? That must be cool.
Jokes aside, cherish it. Friendships get harder to make and maintain as you get older. Relationships between people are by nature messy and rarely dead even. Be happy that you have someone close, and be happy that they do. So long as everyone's emotional needs are being met, does it really matter by who?

This is a common ND experience and stems from a lack of positive meaningful relationships. Not like... none, but way less than we need.
I partly blame this on a lack of community. In modern society, everyone is expected to separately maintain friendship networks, which involves a lot of time and energy, rather than being part of mutually supportive communities, which take substantially less time and energy.
That being said, try to push the idea of relationship hierarchy from your mind. Relationships ebb and flow and everyone's got their own shit going on.

I think I know where you're coming from. When I first moved out I was very lonely and felt like I wasn't a significant part of anyones life. I know others have said that's an unhealthy way to think but wanted to say I have felt that way once and it does hurt a lot. All I can suggest is try and just enjoy the time you spend with people when you can and not think about it more than that. Its easy for me to say though because I'm no longer lonely and actually prefer some peace and quiet these days haha.

Over the past few years I've been kind of on the other side of this, where a friend of mine was at least one "tier" more emotionally reliant on me than I was on him. It made the social relationship a little bit unbalanced, but I didn't want to spell it out to him. Fortunately he's reaching a place in life where he can finally branch out the way he's always wanted to.
It's been well over 10 years since I even had a "best friend-group". I have my strings in many pockets, and that's okay.

You're my #1 Guamer

i think i understand what you are feeling. as some have said, this is not the best thought process that you can have regarding this but its not a shameful one in my opinion, especially because you recognize its petty and you wanted to put yourself out there about it. being someone that had a "#1", them passing away violently and suddenly, then embracing a new "#1" that i am also a "#1" for, i can say that sometimes i wish the person i am so called "#1" for had someone else that could fill those shoes sometimes. it sounds like this is a trauma bond that those two share and while they can beautiful, sometimes its very hard to share that space with someone and being the only one that can
EDIT: added missing words

I have been in your specific shoes for a bit now. That is, the realization that you are nobody's best friend. Yes you know you shouldn't be fretting about it, since you have other friends who care about you, but at the same time, there is that missing piece where, it hurts knowing that, in your circle of friends, none of them consider you a priority in terms of friendship, only one that is a secondary friend.
It hurts when your friends have little time for you when they are too busy with their best friends, or with a romantic partner, to spend time with a secondary friend like me.

11 comments