1w ago

my (18f) sister (13f) is convinced i don’t care about her, how do i convince her i do?

a lot of the time, i’m either busy doing something where i literally cannot respond or overstimulated.

when i’m overstimulated, i physically cannot talk or barely register what someone’s saying. i also have trouble understanding out loud speech for some reason, where i’m listening but can’t process the words.

when my sister asks or says something, i often ask her to repeat it because it’s a lot of information. she says something like “never mind, you don’t care anyway, it’s not important” when i ask to be repeated.

she doesn’t care when i told her why i need it to be repeated.

she also thinks i’m mad at her all the time, gets frustrated when i don’t talk (because im incapable), and starts talking badly about herself when i don’t laugh at her humor (which consists of loud screeching and tiktok “brainrot” words)

since then, i decided to feign laughter so she’ll not think i’m upset with her.

i do try to be there for my sister, but there’s times where i cannot or just can’t talk.

26 comments

By taking care of her. Take initiative, propose movies / games / ice-creams whatever. Things you like, things you think she'll like. She's having a hard time reaching out to you, do your best to reach out to her.
It's not your fault, but it isn't hers either. Try to have fun together, she'll get to know how you work and you don't one step at a time.
- i will, thank you so much. i told her she could watch tv with me. would it be rude to tell her to stop playing screaming videos because i don’t like those videos ?
  
  You can't deny what she likes ; what you can do is ask her to explain: what is it about it that resonates with her? Can we sit down, turn the volume way down, and spend a few minutes checking out her fav's in that style while she tells you why she likes that stuff?
  (The subtlety here is not asking her to justify herself, but to explain to that out-of-the-loop, quite-geriatric Dear Bro)
  Her answers don't matter much - what matters is asking her to view the topic critically, and verbalise it that so that you "get" that side of her.
  Also, "I love you but I fucking hate that shit" can work you know.
  Good luck.
  
  No, spending time with someone means doing something you both enjoy. At least it is in my book.
  My 7 year old son generally understands that when we watch TV or movies together we all pick a family show or movie to watch together, and not just whatever he wants. Or if someone vetos a suggestion you counter-offer as well.
  So if she suggests brain rot, you suggest something you both might like. The Wild Robot recently came out on streaming and was a really great movie. She might like that if you are hurting for movie ideas.
  
  Try to so something somewhat special. Maybe somewhere quiet, then you can listen to her more easily, right?
  Special is anything that you don't usually do.

She’s a kid, you are hardly an adult. Just be kind, the things you are going through she can’t really understand at that age. And the things that a big deal to her, aren’t that big of a deal for you.
When you both are older and more mature you will hopefully just remember that you were kind and not the teenage drama that comes with adolescence and finding your place in the world.

It sounds like she’s constructed two competing versions of you in her mind—an idealized version that always understands and sympathizes with her, and a second version constructed from all the times you’ve failed to live up to those expectations.
If you can’t be her idealized version of yourself, you can demonstrate that you’re not the second version, either. Focus on proactively doing things for her when she’s not expecting you to—everything you do that doesn’t match what her mental model of you predicts you’ll do will weaken that model in her head.

Pay attention to her "bids for connection". When she asks something, even if it is something simple, such as a request to look at a meme on the phone, try to accept the bid and do look at her meme.
Also, why not just ask her? "Hey sis, I see that you are unhappy with the way I treat you. I am sorry, I will try to do better. Can you tell me what it is that you want me to do more?"

Honestly, you might just have to wait until she's done with puberty. This just sounds like a typical teenager whose brain is addled with hormones. It'll die down with time.

Shes going through puberty. She's gonna be pretty looney for a while. Just buy her something nice, watch a movie with her she likes, give her a hug and be prepared for nothing to change because her hormones are driving her nuts.

Kids want attention, whether it's negative or positive they want it.
Try to give her some undivided attention each day.
Tell her what you think about things but don't nag.

This is going to sound cold and impersonal, the opposite of what you want, but have you considered having a script to use when you are overstimulated. It could be as short as a catchphrase like saying "hell yeah sister" to everything she says or something more in depth. That way you have something to say even if you don't have something to say.

I don't get the overstimulated. Do you have a particular condition?
- autism and my dissociation causes me to be unable to talk when im too stimulated
  
  is your sister aware and does she have anything that might complicate things as well?

Work on building capacity in yourself to engage. You may be less naturally skillful at interacting, but everyone can improve. You're not that much older than her either. Be kind, open, and honest with her. Ask open ended questions. Make time.

Your sister sounds awful. What's your question, though?
- oh, thanks for that, i edited it :)

There was this really great podcast (whose name escapes me now) about a therapist who deals with serial killers, and some come from rich background and some come from poor backgrounds, and some were beaten by their carers and some weren't beaten at all. No particular trigger or remorse for why they did what they did, just a vague sense of curiosity
One thing a lot of them did have in common though is neglect. You could have a kid who is completely pampered from the moment they're born, but if they never receive any love or meaningful attention, any visible sign that their thoughts and feelings are valid, and that they're not just a visitor in their own world, then that continual act of neglect is greater than any kind of physical abuse they might get.
So, um, yeah... your post just, uh, yeah. Yep.
- lol what a fucking stupid thing to say
  
  hahaha glad someone liked it
- While you're pop psyching over there ya might want to look up 'parentification'
  
  I did, how does that apply here?
- thank you so much :)

26 comments