Skip Navigation
69 comments
  • "Author"?

    That's your description of this fucking ghoul, from all the words to use?

    A person who was fucking let go from TP USA for being too big of a piece of shit? Do you realize how outrageous that statement is?

    Author? Holy shit.

  • Dear Onion,

    Please write a story about Elons fertility clinic shadow ownership in the missing financial declarations before it comes out for real.

    Thanks,

    Lemmy

    • Elon Musk’s Secret Fertility Clinic: The Billionaire’s Most Personal Investment Yet

      SILICON VALLEY, CA – In what may be his most ambitious venture to date, leaked financial records suggest Elon Musk has been secretly bankrolling Vitality Genesis, a high-tech fertility clinic operating under multiple shell companies. The revelations, which have mysteriously been omitted from Musk’s financial disclosures, raise questions about the billionaire’s long-standing interest in “solving the population crisis”—and his increasingly hands-on approach.

      A Billionaire’s Most Personal Investment

      Vitality Genesis, a fertility clinic network with locations in Texas, Florida, and the United Arab Emirates, touts its mission as “ensuring the survival of humanity through strategic genetic expansion.” The company’s promotional materials make vague references to “advanced donor programs” and “next-gen reproductive technologies,” but what really caught investigators’ attention was its shadowy corporate ownership, traced back to a Delaware LLC named MarsBorn Holdings—which just happens to be headquartered one floor below SpaceX’s legal department.

      Though Musk has long encouraged high birth rates (once tweeting “Civilization will collapse if people stop having kids” at 3 a.m.), this appears to be the first time he has taken direct action—other than personally fathering at least 12 known children.

      Financial Declarations and the Vanishing Paper Trail

      Despite its multimillion-dollar revenue stream, Vitality Genesis has been conspicuously absent from Musk’s SEC filings, leading financial watchdogs to suspect deliberate concealment. Experts note that while Musk disclosed his Twitter/X acquisition and Tesla stock sales, his fertility empire has remained hidden—likely buried under the same corporate labyrinth he uses to dodge tax burdens and child support payments.

      “It’s quite odd,” said forensic accountant Julia Mahoney. “We’re seeing payments routed through subsidiaries with vague names like XLife Longevity and ExoWomb Research, and yet, when you track them back, they lead straight to Musk’s personal banking network.”

      The deception deepens with the discovery that Neuralink researchers have been consulting on a “NeuroOptimized Gestation” program—a development that some speculate could involve attempts at creating “AI-assisted fetuses” or “hyper-intelligent embryos.”

      The Alleged “Musk Lineage Initiative”

      Adding fuel to the controversy, leaked company emails reference a mysterious “MLI” program. One insider, who spoke under condition of anonymity, described it as “a genetic preservation project focused on ensuring Musk’s superior cognitive and entrepreneurial traits are propagated at scale.”

      “The goal is simple,” the whistleblower claimed. “The Earth—and eventually Mars—needs more Musks.”

      When pressed for comment, Musk cryptically tweeted “Doing my part. U should too. #TechnokingDNA” before deleting the post five minutes later.

      What Happens Next?

      If the missing financial disclosures are officially uncovered, Musk may face SEC scrutiny, congressional hearings, or—at worst—having to acknowledge more children. Legal experts suggest he could attempt to dismiss the controversy as a “woke attack on human expansion” or rebrand it as a public service project aimed at repopulating declining birthrate nations.

      Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: Musk’s obsession with humanity’s future extends far beyond Mars—it’s deeply personal, deeply weird, and very, very real.

      By ChatGPT

69 comments