2w ago

Engagement 💍 rule

I sometimes think about how other people have less happy relationships than mine, and that makes me sad for them

53 comments

I know, right!?
I'm pretty introverted, and one thing I found surprising is that time with my wife counts as "alone time" for that =)
- She charges your battery - that's so sweet. 😭
- Same!
  One of my fears dating was that id run out of social energy and she'd realize i was really boring. A few years in our relationship, I told her. And she said she thought SHE was boring me, because she never had anything to really say.
  Now it's been more than a decade and there's no social battery being drained with her, and vice versa. We charge each other up!

We're about to celebrate our 17th anniversary and we've been together over 20. I am more in love today than I was when we first started dating. She's the most wonderful person I know and I love sharing my life with her.

Got a partner who pays half the bills, does half the laundry, cooks half the food, washes half the dishes. Even without sex, it's an absolute win.
- But you consume twice as much food, have twice as much laundry, and so on.
  
  Economies of scale
  
  Yeah but then zero of many things.
  I may do double dishes. But zero baking and I'm rewarded with cookies randomly.
  I may do double cleaning. But zero when it comes to buying gifts and cards for people, because she loves doing that. And I get to reap all the benefits.
  
  But it's simpler. Cause it's not hard to have to do more laundry. It's the initial actions that are a problem. Cause it takes me the same amount of time to load the detergent and other stuff. Plus it's the mental burden of having many things to take care of. With two, it's the same amount of things even though each thing is bigger, but it's easier to take care of and split.

My partner and I both say that we’re better than being alone. And we both LOVE being alone.
- I love being alone together with my wife
  
  I told some of my single friends I needed some alone time, and my wife joined me. And they said, "I thought you needed alone time".
  And I didn't know how to explain that to them.
  
  My partner will sit and read quietly in the room while I'm playing games and not interact with each other and it's the fucking best.

I remember hearing all the boomer "take my wife...please! Ole ball and chain" jokes growing up. I fuckin love my husband. I love being married. I feel bad for people who think resenting their spouse is the default. I get to touch butt pretty much whenever I want.
- I think the key is remembering to be grateful that you can have sex whenever you want
  
  You can? What kind of marriage is that? 😅
  Edit: the only thing the boomer comments got right about my marriage is the lack of sex, other than that we are super happy and have absolute zero regrets

I cracked the code. I married my best friend. Now I get to hang out with my best friend every single day!
I also had a rule that I would live with them for at least 1 year before committing to a proposal. I had to know in advance that I could live with this person, at their best AND worst every single day, before I would even consider marriage.
So many marriages fell apart during the pandemic because so many people had to be trapped in their house with their spouse all day and quickly learned that they didn't really like spending time with them. But not me and my spouse; it was the normal routine for us, but more of it!
Personally, we like to spend time near each other, but not necessarily doing the exact same things together. It's important to have different hobbies that the other can respect, but not necessarily be all-in with you. Because doing the same things with a partner every day can get exhausting.
For instance, my wife spends 90% of her awake time playing mobile games on her phone. I love to spend time indulging in hobbies online. We'll both sit in the same room together all day, but be engaged in our own things.
When we want to do something together, we'll both agree to switch to that. For example, we both love watching movies and binging TV shows. So when one of us moves to the couch, that's usually a sign that they're up for watching something and we'll both decide on what to watch together.
It also helps to not be solely interested in someone for their looks. Looks fade, and unless you find a personality under those looks that meshes well with yours, you'll eventually find yourself frustrated and trapped with someone you don't get along with. Looks are a bonus; no relationship should be focused solely on that, unless you mutually agree in advance that the relationship is meant to be a fling based on looks and passionate desire. Which can be beautiful in its own way, but may not lead to marriage.
- Another little relationship hack I learned is to apologize for every little thing sincerely and with follow-through. This serves two purposes:
  When you actually fuck up and really need to apologize, it will be easier to fall on your knees and beg forgiveness
  Each time you apologize and follow through on your apology, you are embedding in their mind that you are a trustworthy person who takes responsibility for your mistakes.
- I grew up with divorced parents, and quite a few of my school friends also had divorced parents. It made me quite paranoid about ever getting married, so I made a couple rules:
  Live with the person first for a at least a year
  Go travelling to another country with them (when I travelled alone I met a lot of people whose relationships had ended during their trip, travel seems to be a good "pressure test")
  Make sure that even in the middle of the worst fights, I still wanted to marry the person. That I wasn't just marrying them for the good times.

More recent generations have much better emotional intelligence than previous ones. We're consistently getting better at things like communication and being aware of our own feelings, which makes marriage a lot better.
I always heard growing up that once you stop fighting, the marriage is in trouble. Which, frankly, is bullshit. The marriage is in trouble when you stop communicating, but that doesn't mean you have to constantly fight. It's possible to work out differences before they build up and explode.
It's still difficult at times, but yeah, marriage is rad if you both commit to being great communicators.

I also love marriage. I could chuck my wife off a bridge some days, and at times she admits she deserves it, but 95% of the time we are having a wonderful time. 9 years married, 14 years together. Apparently a lot of people marry women they don't get along with and then wonder why their marriage sucks. Or have kids to "bring them closer together".
- Or have kids to "bring them closer together"
  I've seen it, and it's horrifying. Like throwing gas at a fire to see if it goes out, because it's not as though things could get worse if they're wrong.
  I hope newer generations manage to ditch older, screwed up ideas of what marriage is and realize the value of having a beloved partner, rather than whatever the hell I see some older people treating their spouses as.
- Oh those poor kids. That worries me a heck of a lot more than someone who never even googled "how to relationship"

Glad it's worked well for the original OP.
I still remember reading in the book "Thinking Fast and Slow" and the research they presented on happiness. Apparently their data averaged out to: 1. baseline happiness when single, 2. big spike up in the first year of marriage, 3. Settles at a permanent level below the baseline (from when single).
- The main problem is that making a happy marriage stay happy takes a lot of daily work. Thankfully my parents showed me how to do that, and more importantly my dad showed me how to make it fun.
  
  Your dad sounds wise. Knowledge like that still isn't widespread, and back then even less so. There are no role models teaching/showing/demonstrating this in real life or in media that I have come across.
  
  A lot of couples stop dating after they get married, it seems they just want to go through a checklist
- I have not read the book, but from reading some summaries and commentaries, I got the impression that other people took the message as being different from "marriage makes your life measurably less happy" as the chart implied.
  The figure takes on a different meaning, however, when we remember that “How satisfied are you with your life?” is not a simple question. When answering it, people think of significant events in the recent past or near future. People who are recently married or expecting to marry are likely to retrieve that fact, which affects their answer. But those who are not do not think of marriage when answering. The graph could be read as the likelihood that people will think of their marriage when asked about their lives. This demonstrates once again how we are “blind to our blindness”—how we are unaware of the heuristic mistakes that we make. In evaluating this graph, people do not understand that respondents have substituted their answer to how satisfied they are with their life with how easily they can think of happy events in their lives.
- Does that book mention that married women die earlier?
  
  Which is patently untrue, on average married women live about 2 years longer than unmarried women

Or just live together without getting your official government approval certificate
- In the US at least:
  What if they get seriously injured? How will you have rights about their care? To go and see them? What if you have great insurance, but they don't?
  Marriage has tons of benefits over being unmarried, right or wrong. Plus, I enjoyed getting married. I also enjoy being married. Life is hard. My wife always has my back.
  
  Why can't you get similar right via other certificates?

Probably because bc let's you marry who you want instead of an obligation due to being too aroused one time.

you don't need to get married for that
- Exactly, I had a cat for years before getting married

Could have done this much cheaper with a dog.
- You can't fuck a dog though
  
  The sublime difference between "can't" and "shouldn't".
  
  Not with that attitude
- Dogs rarely have jobs with an income or are able to make you tea when sick.

Did they not love you before you got married? Only thing that changed for me was -£10k
- I always find it weird how some people spend thousands just to announce "our relationship is the same, but now we told the government"
  
  Think of it more as "this is the best excuse we are ever gonna have to throw a big party where we get to decide the guests, the food, etc etc"
  Though I do think too many people spend a lot of money because they feel like they "are supposed to (have a big wedding)" and not because they actually want to

53 comments