Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024
Trans Megathread for the Week of November 11th, 2024 to November 17th, 2024
Xenia, the fox girl mascot of Linux, was first designed in 1996 by Alan Mackey. She was meant to be an alternative to Tux, the official mascot.
She had fallen into obscurity, but was noticed by a Twitter user in 2019 and was redrawn as a fox girl. But as it turned out, Xenia was originally meant to be male! The original creator, Alan, was cool with this, saying "It matches the transition of a lot of the smartest, nerdiest Linux users I know" and "And sure, you made her trans!".
So now we have a trans Linux mascot. And I think that's neat.
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
I managed to stumble across a person who happened to be an auDHDer like myself in a game just now out of blind luck. They had very similar academic interest to mine so we had a fabulous yap session/taking turns infodumping session.
It was pertinent to the discussion at the time so I mentioned the anarchist Ivan Illich's work to them and they were immediately very interested in his stuff. It was definitely in keeping with my "Chuck 'em leftwards and hope they land somewhere good" strategy.
Apparently I still got it in me.
Also Linux stay winning
fucking white queer libs i am so fucking done i was on this nice ace kink server, with my partner partner notices a sus profile, and i autotranslate the hebrew on it, and it's a clear zionist. i even asked my friend who speaks hebrew and he told me it was an israeli nationalist slogal. i alert the mods about this, and the mod i speak to says they'll talk to the other mods.
they tell me to suck it up and they won't do anything. it's not a political space after all (LIKE FUCKING HELL IT ISN'T). this was already too far but i didn't do anything, except privately explain to the mod that this was the wrong decision and why, and ask they convey that to the rest of the mod team.
next day a mod shuts down a conversation that drifted into politics.
so i just fucking posted a song in solidarity with palestine, announced i was leaving because the server is tolerating zionists, and left. wish i'd posted screenshots of the mod convo before i left but hindsight is 20/20 i guess. i was told afterwards by a member that this guy had been much more vocal about his zionism on another server and caused a whole drama.
just. how hard is it to not include reactionaries in queer spaces? this place would boot out anyone who came in with fascist profile shit. zionism is a form of fascism but somehow that doesn't count? like no fash but sure, you support an ethnostate actively committing genocide, why don't you come into our safe space? well great, now there is no safe space. i loved that place. it was the only social space i felt safe in a sexual sense.
does anyone have a recommendation of a queer kink discord server than does not include zionists?
I love being a woman. I love my community. I love my trans girlfriend.
I am down 70lbs since january and have hit my first goal weight and by BMI i am no longer obese just medically T H I C C. And a little saggy skin but that's okay just more potential injection sites!
I have figured out how to get instagram to show me trans cuties and lesbians and now i understand how people can use instagram so much!! Starting up upload my own positive vibes and trying to help make the younger ones feel safe.
Love you all, thank you so much for helping me get here :)
Feeling so much queer joy today 💖
I'm SO glad I made it passed the initial excitement phase. I was so worried that I was only doing this because it's exciting, and, once the excitement wore off, I wouldn't be interested anymore.
But the absolute normalcy of my gender is SO much better. When I can present fem in front of my friends and hear my pronouns just as a normal fact of life rather than something I have to build up courage for, it just HITS.
The more I come out of the closet, the more real it all feels, and doubts start melting away. I honestly can't wait to try E!
a second uninstall has hit tiktok
reason being
i really thought that if i carefully curated my algo then i could avoid the shit that burnt me out in the first place.
while there's so many trans users on there i'll miss seeing, the feed equally rewards engaging in content that I like and dislike. end result being a fuck-tonne of radfems talking mad shit about anyone that's not a cis-white woman. the general uptick in 4b bullshit (australian state media even had a fucking article about it) isn't helping that either...
so i think the healthiest thing for me to do rn is to just disengage
imma try to work past my lifelong posting anxiety and lurk less, i have gay takes that must be heard
!CW Venting, social dysphoria:!<
!Feeling kind of shitty and just generally lost in my transition. There's a lot of stuff about it that feels daunting and that I don't know how to move forward with. Lately I've been wishing I had a cis girl friend who could help me out, and be a kind of 'big sister' I could go to for advice. But most of the women I'm friends with are very butch, and haven't felt super equipped to help me. And the one friend I have who has been able to help, moved multiple States away, and while she's been able to help me with some stuff, the distance has impacted our friendship, and I'm just feeling sad about the whole thing!<
For some reason my tax refund got super delayed this year, but I finally got it! First time in forever I don't feel broke. Time to get some cute winter outfits
Hi everyone! I (Luna) made this account just in time for a bit of an announcement in terms of my gender thoughts:
I've decided to go with the flow as of late, and the flow took me in a very interesting direction. I've given it some thought, and I realized something: What is gender to me? What do I want out of it exactly, and what do I consider gender to be? Sure, I wanted to present more feminine, and I felt the best way to do that was to be a woman. Is that the case, though? It was a pretty lousy assumption, to be honest. I knew I wanted to start feminizing HRT, but does that inherently make anyone a woman? No, they're a woman if they want to be, simple as. Do I want to be a woman? Maybe, but at the same time, what do I really want out of it specifically? Do I worry about playing the role perfectly at every turn, am I bothering to play a role? Isn't that what I'm trying to avoid? Shouldn't I just be trying to be myself? Why do certain things, like coming up with a name, seem so difficult for me, why do I struggle to identify with anything, why do I feel like she/her pronouns work some times and not others, why do I feel like other pronouns work some times and not others (still hate he/him though)? Why does gender seem to encroach on my sense of self at times? Am I trying to conform to a binary I wasn't meant to conform to? Why does this give me such doubt, why do I feel doubt about this stuff? It's not even about my transness, I know I am, I've known that I am, and I don't even see myself as cis at the worst of times anymore, but where does that leave me?
Recently, I've been exploring new pronouns. I asked you all to vote on pronouns for election day, and I honestly vibed with all of them. Okay, maybe not pup/pup's, but would it really piss me off if someone used that? No. I realized all of the pronouns out there (minus he/him) sound great, and feel like they could fit, and I don't mind being called by those pronouns. At the same time though, there are times where it feels like nothing fits. This sums up my thoughts, it feels like no matter what gender I try to realize for myself, no matter what I try to identify as, something goes wrong. I feel trapped, I feel like there's always a limit, even if there isn't necessarily.
A bit ago, I said that the label of demigirl fits me best, and it was the label I first identified with after my egg cracked. What I forgot, both in memory and mention, was that my egg didn't originally crack that day a few months ago. It cracked much earlier, and I had already internalized that identity. I may have presented cis (and not really been a fan), but the identity itself felt like it fit me. I'm fucking weird, I don't fit into anywhere, anything, and that probably applies to gender. I may feel dysphoria at times, may feel the need to cling onto gender in a desperation to have a sense of self, but I am not my gender. I am a human being, with the same level of identity as any other, regardless of what my gender identity may be.
So, it's time for the gender reveal
. You may have been getting an idea based on what I have been saying, but I think that being agender is simply where I want to be 
. By forsaking gender entirely, I eliminate the endless struggle. I can present however I want to, do whatever I want to (although I could as any gender, this is how it feels for me) without feeling like my sense of self is constantly shifting. I am who I am, beyond gender. What I want for my physical appearance, or how I want to act in the moment, doesn't change that.I feel like it's going to be tough to let go. I could just be in the middle of a very long 10% agender arc. I could wake up tommorow and decide I want to be a woman again, gender is a fuck and I'm not going to pretend I understand it. For now, though, I'm going to identify as I want to, as I feel most comfortable. I know I do this at least every other week, to the point where it could be a site meme, but I really do feel that every time I start to grasp something, it's like a breakthrough. If this one sticks, cool! I've found it out. If it doesn't, cool! I've still found something out. So, that's me. I'll leave a bit of extra content/context below, but I'm excited to see where my journey brings me, and I always have been, even if it's really confusing
I'm making this account in an attempt to shift my account from a gendered name to a username. It should also hold up if things are to change (I have no confidence that it won't). Anyway, I felt like I needed the fresh start. A lot has changed in the past few months. Also, I've noticed that how I act greatly reflects how I present, and that includes online. So, changing my account might change that as well.
If I backtrack on this in a week, I'm blaming the carousel
did not know about the trans Linux fox girl, ty for making my day better
Good morning TO YOU
Goodnight comrades, here's part of the code of conduct that i think about alot
Be aware of your own enjoyment of the site.
- If you find yourself no longer having fun, do something else. There are many different comms on Hexbear, and many different ways to shitpost and have fun.
- If the site as a whole is just not cutting it for you, take a break. We'll still be here when you get back. Nothing should compel you to stay.
My friend just sent me a decade old photo of myself when I had a huge beard. Just wearing swim shorts. I'm having complicated feelings.
Like, idk... I'm handsome, but it's okay to think you're handsome and still want to transition. Sometimes feels like I'm fucking something up.
I mean, I look at recent photos of me in makeup/dresses, and I'm still handsome/pretty, but... Idk, it would've just been easier I guess.
Also I had super hairy legs. REALLY glad those are gone. I had actually forgotten what they looked like lol
ventpost
were stuck in a shitty depressing cycle, in a lot of pain and alone so we lash out if poked > lashing out causes guilt at causing hurt > guilt prompts a desire to hide due to feeling like creatures will never forgive us (and sometimes they genuinely dont which feeds into the feeling like nobody ever will as soon as even one slip up happens) > isolation cranks up the hurt and loneliness more, repeat
we dont feel safe, we never feel safe, we never have, maybe we never will. that causes us to hurt those we care about, and it sucks.
yes our first post on the new megathread is a ventpost :3
i've been a mac/linux person for a long long time but i've just kind of happened across the money for a macbook a couple times which has kept me from having to go full linux - i got one from a uni course a few years ago. this one is nowhere near obsolete and i'm sure i have years left with it. but helping my partner set up a linux laptop has made me feel p good about the fact that simply there is no financial way for me to continue my mac habit. i've been kinda stuck on it for so long partly due to disability because for some reason the macbooks give me way less pain to use. but money is money no matter how disabled i am, and i think i could cope with the same laptop as they have, physically, and mentally i am feeling good about a linux switch. so i'd already been thinking a lot about linux when i saw this adorable trans mascot post. so thank you!
another serious storm expected, and we're usually cut off for a few days to weeks when this happens. managed to go down for supplies, food, gasoline in case we lose power again, pick up medication, take medication in order to have vaguely functioning body, and make preparations for the storm. would have liked to be able to fix the roof leaks before the storm but unfortunately that was beyond my capabilities. but i got a whole bunch of dry wood before it all gets rained on so we should be able to stay warm and dryish.
was a p successful day, especially considering how hard everything has been recently. am proud of myself. and resting by the fire and keeping warm :3
Met a frog friend on the window of the gym outside in front of the treadmill I was using
(also I think I'm developing a crush on somebody there and it's the first time I've felt kinda like that about someone in like half a decade and idk really how to feel about it. I'm really ruminating hard about "wait we're they just being nice or was there something there?" I'm really bad at this but they're really cute and I just feel like a gross ogre talking to them by comparison and can't get a read on the tone of our interactions. Their smile seemed genuine to me though and they're friendly? Idk)
SA abuser mention (not towards me), panic, sad/angry/confused
Joined a gym, been going everyday and going pretty hard powering through intense simmering rage at family shit and my own feelings of inadequacy and wasted time
Been feeling a lot better physically, and already making big (returning) newbie gainz
Finishing up cardio tonight, totally gassed and take a minute to just walk around the lobby, drinking some water, catching my breath, looking around at some of the group classes stuff on the calendars and a "leaderboard" thing of members that opt in for it
See (former friend who r***d and abused his ex who I was mutual friends with like a decade plus ago's first name) (that fucker's last name's initial) on the board
Almost have a panic attack imagining running into him there, immediately imagining getting into a fight there
This gym shit has been the first thing that's given me any self improvement and confidence in YEARS and now it might backfire horribly in a way I couldn't have possibly seen coming
This isn't fucking fair
Every goddamn year that passed since I went no contact with (that fucker) after the abuse came out, I've tried forgetting all about him and tried to help his abused ex and it was like it all just kicked me in the gut all over again out of nowhere from just a first name and last name initial
What the fuck
I don't know what to do about this or how to process it
Like, there's a possibility that it's a random different (that first name) (last name initial) but it's in the same town and is definitely a possibility that it's him and aggghhhhhhhh
I texted a couple of my local trans friends about having some sort of friendsgiving thing the weekend before regular thanksgiving. I used to get invited to those in college and I miss them. Kind of to my surprise, everyone was really excited and like 3 people volunteered to help cook. I'm honestly so happy I have queer friends who I can recreate college with lol.
i need to get a job with normal hours
i feel so antisocial
FLOOOOOFY WOOOOOFY FOX!!!
Looking back I'm surprised how long it took for my egg to crack. I watched the Korra avatar and was wishing I was a lesbian, saw the Netflix Shera and wished I was able to transform into a woman and be a lesbian with Catra. Also watched some anime where a guy cross dressed for like one episode and I was wishing I could "cross dress" myself. Wild how oblivious I was
OH MY GOSH I almost forgot to mention some progress I made today. I was trying to set up Bluetooth in the car, and it always repeats certain phrases back at me. I dread it for this exact reason, and I've avoided setting it up until now with that being one of many reasons. However, it had to happen, so I went to do it and put on my best fem voice. Imagine my shock when it spits my voice back out at me, and it sounds like a mature woman! I don't even know how I did it, and I don't want to listen to it again in case it ruins what might be magic, but in that moment I felt such intense euphoria. I then enjoyed the convenience of having my music on Bluetooth while no longer having to deal with my static-ridden aux cable.
XENIA MEGA
I haven't posted the last couple days, but I have been feeling good. Like myself again. Just haven't had a lot to say or talk about. There's been a couple things on my mind, but they're not really worth getting into (especially when overall I'm doing well). But, in good news, a friend reached out to me. This is the friend I came out to a little while ago, but we hadn't talked since then. Sounds like he just got busy with life stuff. Also, going to do something I've been needing to do for a little bit now but have been putting off
In my wife’s Snuggie; got that girl stank going on
cw: dysphoria
fucking awful day today, staring at the workplace mirror hating my face, my hair, my skin, my shoulders just fuckfuckFUCK this shit
why couldnt my transness be diagnosed before puberty ruined my life goddamnit
going outside in the same make-up i passed out in yesterday because it's brat summer
Haven't seen music posting in a while so here's what I've been listening to this past week apparently
Starting a new life in a new place and it’s going better than expected. Kindly issue is that I’m scared something will happen to sabotage it, like it’s too good to be true, or something I don’t really deserve. I guess there’s not much else I can do besides try to stop catastrophizing and make the best of it while I can.
Anyways, I know it’s been a stressful time for everyone with the elections and the struggle sessions on the site haven’t helped much. How’s everyone holding up?
Also on the topic of the election outcome, we had a good discussion in tracha (which you should all join btw, link in sidebar) about options for trans people in the US wanting to leave. I believe Canada lets in USians for up to 6 months with just a birth certificate and photo ID, which could be useful.
Anyone else have any good knowledge or strategies they might want to share for queer people who feel under threat?
Webfishing clocked both me and my sister. The first chest she opened awarded her the pan title, and the first chest I opened awarded me the bi title. How did it know these things? This doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to run the Good Girl title though.
It took me wayyyy too long to realize why there were no new posts in the mega every time I have refreshed today
Sicky
I almost forgot to do my injection today 
After a long day at work I can see why people get a few beers but replace beer with shadow the hedgehog 2005
injections
they gave me the wrong needles at the pharmacy so now i'm just stabbing my gay butt with them to keep doing subcutaneous lol
My time's gonna be limited going forward but getting the urge to do all 326 routes of shadow the hedgehog again, got reloaded 1.2 running on dolphin with the widescreen going. Got the added S ranks, got some tweaks, got a timer for each route and got the tab open for the library routes. It's very much a comfort game at this point CW: Eating disorder, dysphoria, alcoholism
Things were really going well until I had to eat today. No drinking, no serious cravings, worked all day so I was distracted, it was great. I've been on a really good streak recently, I haven't even started Naltrexone yet and I'm feeling good on that. I didn't eat yesterday and I didn't really want to eat tonight but I made myself eat so of course I ate way too much and feel guilty about it. It makes me feel dysphoric too because like oh am I not worth transitioning for? I feel like I've gotten worse looking everyday in my transition, and much of it is my fault. Cig stains on my teeth, shitty skin from a few years of drinking and generally being malnourished yet bloated because of my vices
When I'm not sober, I am passively bullemic, no thought goes into it, but I'm vomiting all the time and eating too much, or not eating at all depending on the day. I was just like that. Now I still have to fight those habits except there's intent behind them now. Now instead of not eating because I forgot, I don't eat because I don't want to. Now instead of just naturally binging, I do it in response to stress. Maybe I was always like this and just forgot who I really was before I ever started drinking.
LISTEN UP, LIBERAL:
IF TRANS WOMEN REALLY ARE WOMEN THEN HOW COME MY KIDS NEVER TALK TO ME???
cat is being ableist by not coming closer when asking for cuddles
sadposting, misgendering
Feeling a bit depressed. Last weeks were very overwhelming. Every day of the genocide I feel more and more trapped and sick that we’re allowing it to happen and almost nobody senses the urgency to stop it. And the people that do sense the urgency are called ‘annoying’, ‘counterproductive’ or ‘radical’ while they get beat up by the police. Barely have energy left to be upset when a guy I work with keeps calling me ‘babe’.
trans friends: relaxing to webfishing
me: queueing cs2 to unwind
Does anyone have experience getting their gender marker corrected on their social security (US)? I have the passport appointment scheduled, and will be ponying up to get that fast tracked, but I a bit confused on the SSN process, specifically when it comes to ID. It sounds like I'd need to mail in an ID if I want to do it by mail, and I am worried about documents getting lost. Is anyone familiar with the in-person process?
Whew im at the theater to see smile 2 and had to step out for a lil bit which is a first for me
spoilers!
Its had some great scares but theres an element of the main character being a mentally ill former drug user being tormented by an evil entity into rapidly losing her mind in a very, very public fashion. It got too much for me when she went to talk at a banquet for underprivileged youth. I can hear her screaming in there!
Anyway, back to it. The first one was good and im enjoying this one so far
Edit: unitentional slur, sorry!
we finally have pones on the site
!cute@hexbear.net 
Where is the
emoticon from?It's another midnighter
It was for good reasons though, so I'll give it a pass
Unfortunately for me, my body won't
Idk how this is the first time I'm hearing of Xenia but I love her and her story <3
DAMN IT I WANTED TO WORK ON WRITING MY BOOK BUT I ENDED UP WRITING AN ESSAY ON MY GENDER THOUGHTS
I set up Fedora on the extra PC and turned that into a media center for my partner and then shortly after I was like fuck it and switched to Fedora on my main PC too. I am now Windows free
It's been (mostly) smooth. Luckily I had already switched to a lot of open source apps last time I tried Linux so there's not much of an adjustment phase this time
- Misgendering, sexual harassment
spoiler
I have to do a lot of interacting with the public as part of a socialist thing, and I've realized the hotter I look that day the more people go out of their way to misgender me.
So they're failing at making me feel bad about gender but I still feel icky because its literally just so fucking overtly trans coded sexual harassment
-
I need to find a social space to use for dating but ugh, I've gotten so picky, except the folks whove made me picky are comrades and I don't date comrades! Ugh! I have a partner but sometimes there are aches that are outside their wheelhouse.
-
Does anyone else get a really weird mix of dysphoria and euphoria while looking at Chappell Roan in drag? I'm trying to sort out my feelings there but getting swamped by "pretty gender-non-conforming lesbian ahhhh" when I try to.
Permanently Deleted
Imagine a girl with a really long and big tongue
And don't make it lewd or horny 😡
with all the privacy that i've had with my partner away i...
...cried endlessly for two days while watching Wandering Son.
why tf did i tell my doctor the effect i wanted most out of hrt was more feelings?? this shit's too much (jk crying is euphoric)
nyan
Learning the term gender envy pretty cool, after I learned I'm pan there was still something missing when I tried to describe my attraction to some people. Normally I'm pretty
but maybe I should have some thoughts especially when it means taking a more active participation in my identity (by maybe I mean I should). As much as I might lament never having been in a relationship it's on me to figure some stuff out firstXENIA ayy
Getting some routine blood work done, and I asked the doctor to check my T levels.
He asked if I'm "having problems in the male department"
Why, yes, doctor, you might say I am
Hey, guess I'm gonna use the anonymity the Bureaucracy affords us. I just saw the current icon of the new !cute@hexbear.net community. It's currently an animation of Fluttershy from MLP G4 vibing and I started to wonder how many people here were/are bronies (in the widest sense possible). I watched the show during its original run and I was strongly aware that I wasn't in the target-demographic, which caused me shame even if I never shared it with anyone irl. I only consciously started questioning my gender long after the show had its run, but now I start to wonder how many eggs were/are in the fandom of MLP.
In retrospective it's kind of obvious why I found great joy in watching that show and I guess I just wanted to ask if others here share a similar experience?
I saw a gender affirming doctor the other day and it’s really funny because they were unsure about upping my finasteride to higher dose because it might have side effects, and they were like “don’t you just want oestrogen?”. And I’m like “pretty sure that would have more side effects”.
Doing baseline bloods though in case I do decide and I’ve just upped the finasteride anyway.
A few weeks ago I realized I wasn't paying attention and going too fast while drawing my anticistaminesut of the vial. I looked at my shot and it was like half bubble. So uhhh, I stopped shooting big bubbles into my leg. I think it's week 3 of taking an actual dose. On top of that, I lost the little bit of alcoholism related weight/bloating I had on my rum tum tumbly. Feeling really cute and content right now.
BUT I've been cutting myself shaving a bunch now, so I need to step up my hair removal game. What is the consensus on cheap/easy facial hair removal? Do I want an epilator?
personal growth, net positive ig, tttt words
Got emotionally critical hit by a single sentence someone i know and look up to said earlier tonight and like, it was so pin point accurate that it basically made me feel all my inadequacies and spent like 30 minutes crying alone in a darkened room listening to ethel cain songs and then came out of it feeling like a new person.
Basically the upshot of this is that ive been reexaming a lot of my habits and i think im going to do away with thinking in terms of like AGP / HSTS bullshit and other tttt dumb shit. Also i deleted my twitter account. its weird, i feel very at peace rn in a way i haven't felt in a long time.
Idk i might also check out of hb after 4 years here or so ig. Imo having a single comment affect my psyche so much i reach inner peace and completely log off is honestly way, way, way funnier of a bit than adding this ⬇️ as my pfp could ever have been
It sounds pretentious and dumb but like, i get now this concept of zen inner peace now, i feel completely calm, like resentments and dislikes i felt before dont mean as much as they did before
feeling sad and lonely :(
The loneliness and executive dysfunction are most noticable for me in the weekend. I have all this free time, two whole days where I can do whatever. But I have no friends to hang out with, and no motivation to do anything other than scroll through social media and think about how bad my life is
Started playing Deltarune recently. It's reminding me of why I enjoyed Undertale so much, in a good way, because I'm having a lot of fun with it
Also going to be using these a lot more often, didn't realize there were so many Deltarune emojis on this site until I typed in the keyword
<-- These are greatPermanently Deleted
self harm
Self harm heals up, pain returns, si thoughts return. Literally just kill me
Trying to be safe, trying to do okay. Sorry I keep complaining about all the same stuff. Just feel shitty and miserable I guess. Trying to resist the urge. The spiral just keeps going, I feel like I have no control over how I feel.Why am I this way and when will it end. This constant loop is awful and I can't keep going with it.
I "defeated" 60 land leeches. Mao would be proud
hairy dysphoria talk
I feel like I'm becoming worse and worse at shaving as time goes on. Maybe now that I'm out I actively despise the hair more and have less and less patience for it. Before I came out, I had already decided to laser the hair off my face because I hated how it looked and felt on me, and found continuously shaving really annoying. But now that I know I'm trans it feels like so much more of a big deal for some reason and I'm struggling to even get myself to look into it...
Marble Zone underrated
DA: Veilguard nsfw spoilers
Taash is doing things to me, I want them to fucking destroy me. Just got the first actual romance convo and uhh
they is like twice the height of my character and i'm living through her vicariously rn jfc they leans over you and almost bites your neck and ohgodplsyesgod i love being a switch
- One of the back/neck/arm machines at the gym has the font on it from Sonic Rivals so I use it a lot. I quite like the rival games so I guess this works for me.
None of my friends said happy birthday to Shadow the Hedgehog (2005) today, actually messed up
I had quite the fun and exhausting night last night, right here on Hexbear.net all thanks to Bureaucrat. I really love this bit.
Permanently Deleted
Id really like to start taking voice training seriously but i find it so hard to do it consistently like so much in my life (thanks adhd). Ive been thinking a lot about what sort of voice i want too but im not sure how to achieve it really. Getting gendered correctly when i tried to use a higher, friendlier and more traditionally feminine voice but its not what i really want really? I think i want something like a cross between the two voice actors for V from cyberpunk. Mostly staying at my current register or even a little deeper maybe with some of the growl from the male VA but with like a distinctly feminine sound but still reaaaally fuckin cool like the female VA. Is such a thing even possible?? Am i poser for wanting to sound like a videogame character?? How would i even achieve this
unrelated realizations i had ab some of my seggsual preferences nsfw read at your peril
Because of a meme video i somehow stumbled into the world of asmr rp I knew i leaned towards the submissive somewhat but uhhhhh holy shit? Turns out under the right circumstances i can literally have a super intense full body orgasm without doing literally anything if someone with the right voice says the right words And i dont feel icky at all like when i masturbate, its a completely different feeling that has absolutely nothing to do with genital stimulation. Its more like my soul is rejoicing and my body is expressing it??? I dont know what to do with this information yet but it does make me a little sad There are so many things that i wish i had known about myself earlier and this is definitely one of them. Im such a broken person at this point and i cant change the past but i... cant help but feel some sorrow for my younger self
I'm thinking about leasing a new car. My car is done, 13 years old, not worth even changing the oil. The brakes are gone, the passenger front tire leaks constantly (I've rotated the tired plenty of times, this is the 3rd new set that's been on it it's always that one tire).
I'm planning on moving to a city with half-decent transit the next couple years. Hence leasing instead of buying. When I lived in the city, I had a car but didn't need it ever - I just took the train and the bus. Mostly my ex drove it to their work. We lived near a grocery story and not far from our other friends.
it's funny how two drinks can legitimately get me drunk. a good value too. I just watched the menu and that was good and ate bean borgors
I also did my injection today finally
I'm planning for the future too
I really hope people to believe in me when I say things about myself and how I feel
goodnightt
im playing animal crossing new horizons again
Wanna know what the most gender thing is?
Getting lost on campus. Legit spent 40 minutes walking around the city trying to find out where the hell the building I needed to be was
speaking of lewd
bedroom stuff update
so uh sex is a thing now i guess? like often in a way where i suddenly feel 10 years younger. been able to do a lot of work & make a lot of progress with my issues regarding sex & am genuinely v proud
anyway yeah a certain someone got a rough awakening just before dawn
FUCKING 1 TILE AWAY FROM A POTENTIAL KAZOE YAKUMAN AND NOBODY WANTED TO DISCARD THE 1 OR 5 SOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It fr hard being this dumb, naive, and hot. Some days I don't even know how I manage it if I'm being real.
found some self esteem in the back of some couch cushions, feels pretty good. I'll get down this confidence stuff alongside this attribute called rizz and shock everyone who ever said I was rizzless
I've started saying "yippee" as a reaction a lot more since starting HRT
I click on one dating advice vid and now the algorithm keeps giving me more, have to stop myself from doing nothing but watch them all week. Been through that before way too many times but I keep hoping one of them will make the whole meeting people and being vulnerable part easier, got trouble expressing interest in people because of fear of rejection.
Haven't painted my nails in a bit and for the best, got an interview tomorrow and I gotta look not too hot to intimidate the interviewers. I'll give it a month if I get in to secure my position before I get back to it, maybe finally get some high end nail polish and not the dollar store stuff I find.
I enjoy the novelty of meditating in shorts and a t shirt in the cold rain in public.
finally got round to watching the zone of interest
thoughts
the film was excellent, in a truly bleak way. fantastic sound design too, i don't think any film has every made me so deeply uncomfortable and sick as this does just with the juxtaposed sounds of the happy family and the death camps. i would also say that it's the only film i've seen on the matter that came close to eliciting the same feeling as did visiting auschwitz itself, a deep disgust and anger. however by being shot in a voyeuristic, detached way the film manages to humanise the höss family while not giving any opportunity to become sympathetic to them. if anything, i think their portrayal as "ordinary" makes them more monstrous than if they are portrayed as one-dimensional villains, as even ralph fiennes' portrayal of höss in schindler's list leans toward.
The latter is a vent, the former is talking about
fuckingpronounstransphobia
Everytime I see "he or she" it tickles me, in a bad way. Why was this popularized, or used at all, when "they" is not only a better catch-all when gender and/or pronouns are unknown, AND "they" makes the sentence more fluid and feels more grammatically correct? I don't know if the cis are alright...
ableism, slurs mentioned
Well, the radlib co-worker strikes again. Always get a bad feeling about him whenever he talks about certain things. It's like, he's ALMOST there, but has to ruin it with some sort of lib garbage. Or, even better, some GAMER WORDS just to spice things up, ya know? Just casually drop the r-slur, it was totally necessary to make your point known.
Like, as a queer person, why are you using ableist slurs when many queer people are neurodivergent? Why are you even using slurs in the first place when it's something you've probably been on the receiving end of? Long story short, shouldn't have expected anything less from a radlib, but these kind of things just piss me off. Why do people insist on language that has been used to hurt others (AND ME) when it's so easy NOT TO?
Power for those who can fuck it
Freedom for those who can find it
Sex for those who can buy it
Television today never lies
What did you say?
Atari Teenage Riot!
Did some gender yesterday, applied for a manual job so put some insoles in my shoes to get to 6' and put some suspenders on to make myself look stronger
. I probably was gonna get the job anyway but wanted to impress and try something. Gender sure is stuff, I know on the other end growing up I always thought girls with eye shadow where hot as hell and then I tried eye shadow and found out I got the same stat boost 
honestly I can fuck with all make up other than lipstick since I like to eat stuff.junk
My wife doesn't like when I refer to genitals as a "girl gulley"
Hi, I'm new here
CW: dysphoria, transmedicalism, sad, transphobia
:(
I want to be a woman, but I'm not. It's been like four years of wanting to be a girl, but my egg only really cracked this June. Before my egg cracked, my concept of gender identity was that I wasn't really a boy, and I wanted to be a girl, but obviously I was totally cis because even though I knew about the existence of trans people, I couldn't possibly be one of them, after all, trans people know that they are trans at the age of four and are conviced that they are the other gender. I don't know what I was thinking.
Last year someone in my ap computer science class came out as trans, our teacher told us that the student wanted to tell us something, and people were like "did [deadname] die?" and the teacher said that the student wanted to go by a different name and pronouns. Then someone goes said that he wouldn't use she/her pronouns to refer to someone who doesn't look like a girl. At least some people were respectful, though. The point is, I can't trust the people around me to not be bigoted, although most of the people in that class, have graduated. The trans student was very cool though, she was one of the only students who took the class seriously (I think there might be something in the computers turning people trans!) and was probably a gamer. Too bad she also graduated. I'm not a gamer and I don't have anything interesting about myself. I kind of looked up to her, even though I didn't identify as trans.
My whole life has been a lie of pretending to be someone that I'm not. I'm a minor, and I live with my parents in the wonderful state of Florida, where woke goes to die. I have reason to believe that my parents are transphobic. My family is Catholic. I am not, but they don't know that. I have been pretending for years. I don't say anything about how I feel about my gender.
I am growing more body hair every day. It's awful, and I don't think I've ever had this much. As much as I would like to do something about it, I am scared of what other people would say. I don't even know how to remove it without accidentally hurting myself.
I feel like a robot. I do the same stuff every day, and by that I mean that I don't do anything. I just do my schoolwork, and school gets repetitive. It distracts me from thinking. But guess what, when I do think, I just think about how I want to be a girl, and then I get sad. But I don't actually get sad, since I don't feel my emotions very deeply.
Read at your own risk CW: autogynephilia
I think I might have that? But also maybe not? I mean, it can be arousing to imagine myself as a woman? But also I can think of myself as a woman and not be aroused? Autogynephilia has been one of those things that makes me question if I'm really trans. Most research on trans women does make a distinction between two types of trans people, those who find out early and are attracted to men, and those who find out later and are attracted to women, and sometimes have autogynephilia. Yes, I know that this research is stupid. That doesn't help. I still think about it. Also, I'm not really sure if I meet the criteria for gender dysphoria from a transmed perspective. Wikipedia shows the dsm description, but it says that it has to cause clinically significant distress or an impairment in functioning. The thing is, I do well in school, and to most people, especially adults, I appear well functioning. But I don't know, I don't have many friends and no one that I am close to, but I don't think that gender issues are what is causing this?
If you made it this far, I'm sorry for putting you through all of this. I'm okay, even if it sounds like I'm not.
dumbest girl alive here with another sticky & steamy update!
kink / bodily function stuff
so i had my partner record my peeing outside like a girl in my fishnets & skirt & having a v good time of it. & like i wasn't doing it for my partner or so that i could share the video online or whatever. i did it for myself, it all came naturally, i felt hot. like. fuck. i'm healing? lmao
Another midnighter due to my excessive course-workload, AND Asahi's decided to start having visible glitches in the File Manager. Both are my fault, because I took on more work than I could reasonably handle, and I tried to get fancy with a security patch on Asahi that's causing the visual bugs even after I removed the patch from my system.
I'm really breaking the "I post better when I'm tired" rule, I feel like I've just reached a point where I've lapped my maximum spoon count in negative spoons
I have gone days laughing at the absurdity of thinking. More often the thoughts fight themselves. Today was the latter but I was reminded of the exercise to ask who is perceiving what I think I perceive. “Who thinks this, who thinks that,” makes it sound like my mind is treating me like a dog and that is fun/ny.
how tf do i always keep walking like this. "oh yeah i'll just walk down to the stores for a bit for a little exercise", i'll do it, feel bad because i felt like i could have walked further, then check and i just walked almost 4 miles
I was always warned when I was younger that as you get older, the years will start to fly by.
Bullshit. I'm just in my 30s but still, bullshit. Years still feel just as long as they always took. I was a different person 5 years ago, I still feel the weight of all of those 260+ weeks. It doesn't feel any shorter. I never got a "blink oops now it's 5 years in the future" moment. I have young siblings, the youngest is 18. It wasn't like I blinked and they were adults.
It's not something I've wanted to happen or even particularly dreaded, but adults of all stripes warned me at my young tender age that it would happen. Well? Just cause they were drifting along in a haze doesn't mean that's my fate. That's on them. Reminds me that there's people who say they get in a car, drive to work, and then realize they don't remember any of their drive. But doing that for everything I guess
Had a smut dream but I don't remember any aspect of it that was the smut. Like in my dream I was feeling as if it was really high quality (probably not)
My sister got webfishing and is grinding XP. I think she's liking the game too.
I've been in such a pissed off mood the last like day or so, idk what my problem is but I'm going to end up snapping at someone. Was fighting with some computer thing earlier (I've put it aside for now, still want to get it done today though...). Anyway at least it isn't directed inward right now but I am going to fight a mfer if I get the chance.
We should add a Xenia emoji to hexbear. (perhaps the !libre@hexbear.net logo? (or maybe some other image at https://xenia-linux-site.glitch.me/ ))
Interpersonal relationships are not helping me whatsoever so I've decided I'm simply going to stop being lame and simply become good.
i am attempting a scientific experiment. i have been using a plant oil that is supposed to act as a topical antiandrogen that reduces sensitivity to androgens in the places u rub it in, leading to less hair. i have been using it on my face for a couple weeks and it feels like it's changing.
BUT
i plan to conduct an experiment on my arm hairs. i'm gonna do the exact same hair removal on each arm, but i'm gonna put the oil on one arm, for 6 months. i will report on the results.
I tried switching to Linux Mint like... 5 or 6 years ago but I had some problems getting work-critical software to play nice so I ended up doing the walk of shame back to Win10.
Someone gave me their old computer so it seems like a good opportunity to experiment with Linux again since it won't be interfering with my primary PC. I don't know much about distros, is Linux Mint still the best choice for Windows refugees or do I have other options?
Medical gatekeeping, but I'm continuing to make progress
My surgeon is really trying to get a third letter in support of surgery because he's clearly nervous that this is new to him and tbf majority of other surgeons. I have a current therapist that I'm asking him to talk to as the third person, but he shouldn't need more than two letters.
I'm trying very hard to stay understanding of everyone else's anxiety regarding my situation, but sometimes I just want to scream at them.
"What do you really want from your body?"
A positive (nsfw) story
I hope this isn't oversharing, but I saw my girlfriend for the first time recently and it went so well.
Every time it was my turn to top, I kept using the same dildo that was pretty much the exact size I wanted from surgery (and was before surgery too). When I told her I liked that one cause it felt validating, she said she bought it because it seemed like exactly what I described to her. I could have cried haha. She never told me she was doing that, she just wanted to be as supportive as possible
mixed martian arts
More dream posting:
I had a dream that I came out to my mom, and she reacted very positively. She asked me to dress up and go see a musical with her. I didn't have the heart to tell her that musicals are really more gay coded, but she was trying to be supportive lol.
Anyway, we went because she likes musicals even though I hate them haha
This is a stark contrast to last week's dream where she was super transphobic. A welcome change.
Well, there's a metal show that I really want to go to in a few weeks, and I am not sure how I want to go. I want to dress femme, but it is in a different (relatively progressive?) city and I would be on my own. I would obviously look gender non-conforming, so I am worried about harassment. Probably not at the show itself, but just walking to and from the venue. However, I hate having gone to these shows before looking like a basic-ass white boy.
having a very bad day
Feeling awful. The gender dysphoria, executive dysfunction and loneliness is just too much. I've just been laying in bed all day. Don't care about eating or drinking. Don't care that I should have taken my HRT 5 hours ago. What's the point? My life just keeps getting worse no matter how hard I try to fix it.
I'm not cut out for this shit. Why couldn't I just have been born a neurotypical cis girl?
Does anyone else get egg vibes from reading Tatsuki Fujimoto? I feel like he writes women characters way too well to be cis, but maybe he’s just extremely thoughtful about it. Anyways, stayed up late last night reading Look Back. Was very very good and I’ll probably watch the new anime of it today. Goodbye, Eri was also great if you haven’t already read it.
self hate
I hate myself so much. I don't know if its my autism, or avpd, but everything about how my brain works is awful and I hate it. Constantly worried about how I'm being perceived. I have a hard time doing anything. New situations are terrible. Can't focus for shit. Apparently I refuse to do anything to make my life better. I'd like to, but idk. Can't explain it. Just forever stuck.
None of my issues are real, its literally just me doing this:
and crying my brain doesn't work right. Just constant whining. Hate it. All I do is whine and complain.I'm terrible at building friendships and I hate it. I hate being lonely, I hate wanting to make friends and just struggling the whole time.
I am just garbage. I can't do anything. I've always had this horrible defeatist attitude. Apparently I can't fix it. Can't fix myself. I've been in therapy for years, but have I improved at all? Not really. I mean not that surprising, you can't fix autism or avpd. Its all just coping. I don't like coping, I don't like pushing through the pain, I just like giving up. That's what I am, a quiter.
I have no idea what anyone sees in me. Why anyone would give a shit is beyond me. Always genuinely surprised when someone says they like me or anything like that. Like why, wtf? Have you met me? I suck and should die.
self harm
god, to see the blood again. To let the hate flow through me, and watch what I've done to myself. I love it, in the moment. A physical manifestation of everything. The pain, the hate, the issues. All right there. god.
Sorry for posting this, I literally just can't be normal.
Watched
part ofa voice training video and now youtube thinks I'm serious. Stop reminding me of my weakness
Permanently Deleted
What's the deal with guys always wearing jeans with the worst cut possible?
back to work today but not in spirit. my spirit will be webfishing and seeing how fast I can mash the meow button.
🇵🇸 *please consider donating to our Palestinian comrades* [click me]
Please help Aya in Gaza ❤️ 🇵🇸https://gofund.me/1222af19Please help Mahmoud from Gaza ❤️ 🇵🇸https://gofund.me/5156f6e9https://www.gofundme.com/f/getting-food-for-my-brothers
https://www.gofundme.com/f/younis-family-relief-and-evacuation-from-gaza
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-yamen-undergo-surgery-in-gaza
(work in progress 🚧)I love how there are different paths to enlightenment like Teks for growing mushrooms. Some people talk about them very similarly and it makes me happy.
sad
I feel so alone
Brain is empty today
family shit, mental health breakthrough/down, sui baiting, raging, extremely pitch black bile vomiting bitter lizard brain fight or flight rage
no I'm serious, this is the angriest and most hateful screaming into the void shit I've ever posted and you'll probably regret reading it
okay, last warning
finally snapped and fucking lost it at my piece of shit worthless disgusting scumbag dad after he got aggro at me about me going to recycle a years worth of inhaler boxes he had dumped everywhere on the floor of his disgusting shithole bathroom after I FUCKING CLEANED IT FOR HIM AT THE ONLY OPPORTUNITY I HAD TO WHEN HE LEFT HIS HOUSE TO BUY BOOZE (THE ONLY FUCKING REASON HE'LL PUT PANTS ON AND LEAVE THE HOUSE, BUT STILL REFUSES TO SHOWER FOR THREE FUCKING WEEKS) and I kinda blacked out from adrenaline and don't remember what I said verbatim, but it definitely involved telling him he's a disgusting decrepit braindead miserable piece of shit that's done nothing but unsuccessfully attempt to drink himself to death for 15 years, because he can't even do that right and just expects his family to put up with him, buy him more booze and take him to urgent care when he falls
Somehow managed to keep myself from getting physical with him other than spitting in his face and telling him everyone that's actually still in his life, ESPECIALLY him, would be immeasurably happier if he fucking killed himself and quit wasting everyone's fucking time making himself and everyone that has to actually interact with him sick
Stormed out and beat the absolute shit out of his barbecue with a baseball bat and I think I might have broken a bone in my hand and hacked the fuck out of a maple sapling out front with a machete
I'm really glad the neighbors weren't home
self harm
I'm gonna go buy a pack of smokes, chainsmoke until I'm sick, resist the urge to put them out on myself, then go to the gym and test one rep maxes before all the adrenaline wears out and I crash
:::
::: :::
✨
and 
for a while, comrades. Got some things I need to do. Be back soon!
Make sure to keep the cis down in my absence. 
was in for a surpise when I used an effigy and changed armor 
I keep groceries in the back seat because the trunk is full of bodies
