Linux @lemmy.ml Possibly linux @lemmy.zip 2 mo. ago

Microsoft parody

I am a certified Linux user with almost 10 years of experience.

Please run the following command in a terminal:

sudo apt update && sudo apt upgrade -y

Let me know if this fixes your issue

- certified Linux expert

(I'm making fun of the 25 year Microsoft veterans on the support page that tell users to run SFC /scannow)

39 comments

Yea, why are Microsoft forums so bad? I have to use them sometimes as I work in IT and all our PCs run windows. Googling often leads me to their forums. The forums rarely lead me to a solution however
- Hello,promitheas
  
  Welcome to Linux Community.
  
  It sounds like you are experiencing some quality issues using Microsoft forums, could you please provide some details to let us assist you better:
  
  1->General System Information: Could you provide some details about your PC's hardware specifications? Specifically, the processor, amount of RAM, and the graphics card you are using.
  
  2->System File Check: When you say you automatically checked system files, did you use the built-in System File Checker (SFC) tool? Did it report any issues, or did it indicate that everything was fine?
  
  3->Event Viewer: In the Event Manager, can you provide more specific details about the critical errors you see? For example, the exact error messages and any associated error codes.
  
  Have you researched the specific error messages you found in the Event Manager (e.g., Application Error, Application Hang, Windows Error Reporting, DbxSvc, DistributedCOM, nvlddmkm)? Understanding these errors can often provide clues about the root cause of the problem. In the meantime, are you getting a blue screen on your device, and if it's convenient, try to see if a small dump file has been generated in the corresponding path, which you can upload and share with me-<Read small memory dump files - Windows Client | Microsoft Learn>
  
  4->Cooling and Hardware Issues: Have you noticed any unusual temperature increases while running games or any other hardware-related issues like unusual fan noises or system freezes?
  
  5->Rollback to Previous Windows Version: If the issue started immediately after switching to Windows 11, have you considered rolling back to your previous Windows version temporarily to see if the crashes persist?
  
  The five points of detail above are intended to give me a better understanding of the situation so that I can give potential advice and solutions.
  
  Best regards,
  
  ImplyingImplications |Microsoft Community Support Specialist
  
  Man that post is about three or four paragraphs too long to be any Microsoft form advisor post.
  
  Usually it's a "Welcome to the forum, please run an update and sfc /scannow and try safe mode then clean install" then ghosting when you update saying it doesn't work
  
  Oh man, this is fairly accurate
- They are, however, aces at reiterating the problem.
  
  All those "active listening" skills to trick people into thinking you're paying attention or care. Lol
- I end up using some blog post when that happens because the forums make no sense
- Because the market share is so big, everyone can use it, and everybody wants a fucking participation prize.
- maybe because a huge fraction of users wouldn't understand more advanced tutorials, or it'd be just too much effort
sudo: apt: command not found
- I am a certified Linux user with over 20 years of experience.
  
  Please run the following command in a terminal:
  
  sudo dnf install apt
  
  And then try the instructions above. Let me know if this fixes your issue
  
  certified Linux expert
  
  sudo: dnf: command not found
It's asking me for a password. OMG why doesn't it know it's me and do what I tell it.

randomGeneratedUsername
- You joke but ssu is for that (since you are logged in already, why ask for a password).
  
  Edit: this is for single-user systems. Makes yay (AUR helper) pretty convenient.
  
  Oh no. This is so bad. Who in their right mind would assume that a login user remains the same user throughout the session!?
  
  Oh wait. Windows.
  
  why ask for a password.
  
  To give the user an extra second to realise they're doing dumb shit, and should stop?
Very often sfc /scannow will ask for an installation media, which, in a corporate environment, means sending the machine to onsite support for either "fixing" or "reimaging". It's basically the command you should try first if you don't want to help someone fixing the issue. "See? There is something wrong with your installation, you should fix that before doing anything else..."

I used that trick a few times myself to get rid of poorly behaving people.
- What's the point of sfc /scannow if it's going to require an installation media to use, isn't that the point of a recovery partition? Does Windows just not ship with that Anymore?
  
  Oh, I don't know how it is nowadays, I have switched to Linux since many years ago...
- It shouldn't
  
  But it did MOST of the times...
And don't forget to press kudos button if it fixes your problem
I remember when SFC was first introduced, I excitedly wrote a script to invoke it remotely so I could use it on a user’s pc when they called to fix their problem. To this day I have never run that script. This was in 1998.
- Its useful for fixing a Windows install after fixing a bad ram. Sometimes the utility gets corrupted so you need to fix it first.
  
  I think it would be a great idea if some of the immutable Linux distros had a integrity checker like sfc
  
  I think on mutable distros, or at least arch, you can run a command to reinstall all installed packages, which will verify integrity of the package files (signatures) and then ensure the files in the filesystem match package files? And I think it takes minutes at most, at least for typical setups.
  
  I do think it's also possible to just verify integrity of all files installed from a package, but I don't remember if it required an external utility, pretty sure it's on the arch wiki under pacman/tips and tricks
- When I was doing tech support I was using it a ton. I had a fleet of machines that issues with SSDs and ram
- SFC has worked numerous times for me, usually for botched updates. Haven't used it in a long time after leaving tech support
  
  I've tried using SFC multiple times and had it work zero times. One time after SFC failed to find anything wrong, I ended up fixing the machine by replacing the system file with a copy from a working machine.
I enjoy red hat's paid support articles that end by saying this is untested and may not work but it was added to the knowledge base 10 years ago
You joke but one time after a fresh install I genuinely forgot to update (the linux header files or something) and some of the device drivers weren't working
Hi possiblylinux127,

I have 200 years of experience with Microsoft Systems, and six children. Janie is just going to her first day of school today, and I'm buying her a Zune - a project I was heavily involved in and am proud of the commercial success that it was.

I have extensively worked on GPO as a developer, engineer, architect, project manager, lead coffee run guy and support officer. It is, like all our products, perfect and would never experience any issue itself, it is always user error.

I am sorry to hear you are having a GPO permissions issue. Before I tell you the solution, might I suggest you purchase the Microsoft Advanced GPO Support® or the Microsoft Expert (24/7) Support® support packages. We are currently throwing in a special on our 1hr response, 8 week resolution SLAs at the moment for only an additional $8,999 USD! Here are a few links:

Microsoft Advanced GPO Support®

Microsoft Expert (24/7) Support®

Your solution can be found below, and is guaranteed to fix the issue:

Open Start.

Search for Command Prompt, right-click the top result, and select the Run as administrator option.Type the following command to repair the Windows system files and press Enter:

sfc /scannow

I would greatly appreciate it if you could click on Mark As Answered if this resolved your GPO problem. Janie really needs that Zune.

Regards,

Pete Peterson (281,192,763 points) MCPA, MCPD, MCSE, COAP, ISUA, KSPA, MCITP, AIS Certified

(This shitpost isn’t mine. I found it somewhere and saved it.)
- Dear Microsoft support,
  
  We use an Alexa which I have connected to our nieghboring company's guest wifi. When our firewall goes down, I have a raspberry pi that is programmed to play a recording of my voice that says "Alexa Turn Off The Christmas Tree" (i can't figure out how to reprogram the smart plug.) and then 5 minutes later another recording that says "Alexa turn on the christmas tree." This is has worked very well for us so far.
Dist-upgrade

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