On Bears

If it’s white good night.
Who taught you to rime?
- Vanilla Ice. Now stop. Collaborate and listen!
  
  No no no, I have it on good authority that it is hammer time.
- rime
  The ancient mariner did
- Ice pun you got there.
  Polar bears.
- No thyme for that when a polar bear is on you.
- Unless you're Brian Blessed.
- Taught me about ice?

If it's black, panic. If it's brown, panic. If it's white, panic.
Always panic.
- What if it's black and white? And what about the gray one with a bag?
  
  ALWAYS PANIC

This video while long does a great job teaching you how to act in active bear territory.
The TLDW is: -
In active bear territory carry bear spray and be ready to use it
You can't out run a bear don't try
bear bells don't work
playing dead makes it easier for the bear to maul you
when hiking with a group and encounter an aggressive bear stand shoulder to shoulder and prepare your bear spray
let the bear decide how they want to leave the encounter (if they are not attacking you)
outside of a momma bear, most "attacks" are bluffs but can be scary as shit.
guns work but you better be a good and quick shot cuz bears run fast and are very intimidating doing so
a gun shot can help scare away most bears
- My chance at pedantry! Also, some black bears are brown, and some grizzlies are black. If you live in overlapping territory, it may be easier to know them by shape... but if you're close enough to discern shape, you're already in a bad spot.
  
  I've heard the best way to tell the difference is to check your pants. If you crapped your pants it's probably a grizzly.
  
  Ooh bear facts! My favorite bear fact is that there is no grizzly bear species. Sure, there's regional genetic variation, but they are all genetically brown bears.
  What they are named for is the grey hairs on their pelt, which are caused by the stress of malnutrition. This is why they are so much more aggressive than the other bears: they are literally starving because there is not enough calories in their environment to keep so many land sharks happy and healthy.
- Great video!
  https://youtu.be/1KWSJ3piSfM?t=2003
  We tried (bear spray) on polar bear and they run like crazy.... They are scaredy cats, if I had to be stuck with any bear it would be a polar bear.
- Part of me wonders if the gunshot helps whether it would be worth the trouble to carry an air horn.
  
  Maybe, but really when you are in bear territory, and close to areas where bear congregate (rivers being one), just a few loud claps and a couple of loud "HEYS" is good enough to flush most bears.

Rhymes don't matter if it's a polar bear.
- "If it's white, goodnight." is the way I learned it.
  
  So are polar bears considered more dangerous and aggro than grizzlies? I mean it wouldn’t be too crazy, particularly since it’s probably rare to encounter one, compare to grizzlies. But just had never really heard that.

"I'm a magical red face bear. Come closer, i'll show you some cool trick"

My sister lives in Alaska. The locals say that you can tell if you're in grizzly territory by checking any bear poop you find. If it contains bells and smell like bear spray, you know there are grizzlies nearby.
- When I visited Alaska, they said you should always take the sights off your rifle. That way it doesn't hurt as much when the grizzly shoves it up your ass.

Good thing black is all we've ever seen in our yard.
- Pet it. Boop that snoot.
  
  If you boop the snoot, will it droop?
  
  You could try, but odds are it would run away before you could get close enough.

I've actually heard that with black bears the best method is to ditch it in central park with a bicycle.
- That only works if you have brain worms
  
  But what if I was out falconing with friends, had a dinner at a super bougie steak house go late, and REALLY have to get to the airport? Surely THAT makes it less insane?

What do I do in event I encounter a sun bear?
- This the one the women chose?
- Give it a tootsie pop and see how many licks it takes to get to the center
- Ask for a BJ.
- Ask it for head
- My first instinct was "small, will probably run into the nearest tree at light speed" but I did some reading and they common thought without much science behind it is that sun bear are pretty fuckin aggressive and even tho they're small, they'd still probably fuck your shit up.
  
  Lul, yes, indeed.
  "The smallest bear" but still just a lewder wolverine.
  \ And with a fancy necklace.

Ursaring, Pangoro, and Beartic are all weak to Fighting. So, just make sure you've got your Lucario at hand and Calm Mind-ed up, and pummel them with Aura Sphere. That way, you can also keep your distance.
(Yes, I know Pangoro is a panda and not a black bear. But, uhm, uh... shut up!)

Strangely applies to American police, too
Edit:
\ upon reflection, this sounds like I think white cops are better. What I meant to say is that the white cops are just gonna shoot you so gg.
- https://youtu.be/nRn-PED9w9U
  https://youtu.be/t2Oe7BXncnU

If it's white, chances are I already died of hypothermia.

If it's white, try to lunge your head into the bear's mouth to make it quick.

- Im so glad I'm not the only one that thought of that

Response to a bear attack depends on the type of attack, not the type of bear.
If it’s a defensive attack, play dead. If it’s a predatory attack, then fight back.
- If it's a defensive attack then stop being offensive towards bears. If it's a predatory attack then start being more offensive towards bears.
  
  What do you think would be the most offensive thing to say to a bear? Or maybe there’s a hand gesture or something that’s really taboo?
  I just want to be prepared in case I ever need to know.

Sir, You were almost mouled to death, You are lucky You only lost one arm. Why the hell, did You try to punch that bear? I saw it in a meme once...

I read the title as "Oh beans" and somehow it still fits, lol.

Fight back? O rly?
- Black Bears mostly want a nice berry, or a poorly placed bear cooler.
  Most Black Bear attacks seem to be because, in their mind, they're buying time for their cubs to run away.
  An average Black Bear is not looking for a prolonged fight. They're still quite good at if, if they get the idea they need to.
  So the prevailing wisdom, for Black Bears, is do whatever it takes to avoid them. But if attacked, do whatever it takes to make the bear think twice about whether they really want to fight. Because unlike Grizzlies and Polar Bears, a Black Bear may well change it's mind.
- give 'em dinner and a show!
- The real answer for a black bear is make yourself look as big as possible, back away slowly, and tell it to fuck off in a deep voice. If it charges you it's hopefully feinting, but if not whack it right in the snout with whatever you have.

Is laying down really a thing with a grizzly? What's that do?
- They will fight you back and aren't afraid... But if you're dead/they think you're dead, they probably won't bother and will continue what they were doing.
- Yes, they will fight to the death