Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in his majority opinion that Trump’s hands were among the biggest he had ever seen. “It is the court’s opinion that President Donald J Trump’s hands are tremendously large"

A man on the Internet who posted a thing designed to antagonise is surprised that it’s upset a few people.

NEW YORK—In a report released Tuesday that has been hailed as equal parts fascinating and perplexing, researchers at Columbia University found that requests to prove one is not a robot have gone up 400,000% over the past 500 years. “During the Elizabethan era, for example, people were rarely asked ...

WASHINGTON—Admitting that he had never been more conflicted about a ruling in his life, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly torn Monday over a case in which both sides offered compelling scuba trips. “While there’s a strong historical precedent for a lavish excursion to Bali, the pl...

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a 6-3 ruling, the United States Supreme Court ruled that former President Donald Trump not only has full immunity from prosecution for any gun murders he might commit, but that he definitely should do so.

Adorably, little Jimmy has already begun practicing for the job by dressing up in suits and mumbling incoherent thoughts about how he is the bestest person ever.

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a disastrous night that left Democrats reeling over their candidate for the 2024 election, political analysts confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden could negate his debate performance by pulling a train with a chain clenched between his teeth. “Our post-debate poll...

ATLANTA—Checking in at the building’s visitor desk under the singular name “Janitor,” the Trump boys reportedly broke into an office at CNN headquarters Thursday, attempting to steal the debate answers for their father. “All we gotta do is find Mr. Tapper’s office and steal the answer key,” said Don...

"Why would anyone ever think that a politician would be anything other than completely honest and upfront?"

Occasional musician and filmmaker Rob Zombie admitted that his foray into the cinematic arts was driven by a lack of fresh horror sound bites for his music.

WASHINGTON, DC ―As part of their ongoing mission to fool ridiculously gullible centrists into thinking that their rulings are rooted in respectable legal theory and not right-wing dogma, the Supreme Court recently issued its token semi-reasonable ruling.

TOKYO—In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American tourist Max Deacon is said to have immediately broken 34 sacred local customs Tuesday while disembarking from his plane in Tokyo. Deacon, who somehow had no idea he was being offensive...

BALTIMORE, MD—Calling the trial a huge breakthrough in behavioral science, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Tuesday they had trained mice to choose between life-saving medications and other essentials. “In this first-of-its-kind experiment, we were able to successfully teach rodents...

Instagram’s PR team apologized recently after a glitch temporarily restored the app to something resembling what it used to be when a user’s posts were consistently viewed by their followers.

Imagining what comes next in the Republican effort to spread the Christian word.

STOCKHOLM — An internet hero was finally awarded for their work this week as the Swedish Academy has announced they will be giving the Nobel…

OTTAWA – Wealthy Canadians have begun a ‘Freegains convoy’ to Ottawa in their BMW X3s in protest of the government’s plan to raise the inclusion rate on annual capital gains in excess of $250,000.00 dollars. “Not since the city of Toronto tried to build affordable housing in Rosedale has our communi...

Women can reportedly still smell his Lynx Africa even from that distance

A man who is a staunch believer in free speech after spending the last four years bemoaning cancel culture, is now up to three boycotts a week because of things people said.

Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple sources reported.

"Canada is not for sale to foreign governments. Canada is now, and has always been, for sale to mining companies, agricultural conglomerates, and the American hedge funds who own most of our news media.”

Government officials in Texas announced their state will pay homage to the iconic film “The Green Mile” on the 25th anniversary of its release by executing 25 completely innocent people.

AUSTIN, TX—Crediting himself for the electric vehicle company’s latest innovation, CEO Elon Musk announced a plan Friday to add up-skirt cameras on all new Tesla vehicles. “There will be one interior camera mounted near the brake pedal in addition to several external up-skirt cameras to capture foot...

A new study out of Yale University that will certainly have ramifications for felines across the globe confirms that midnight is the perfect time for your cat to do 14 laps of your bedroom really, really fast, especially if you are asleep. “It’s important for a domestic cat to get a certain

Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music since the Spice Girls.”

Rishi Sunak has sought to endear himself to the voting public by explaining that, just like you, he had to go without things as a child.

Joe Biden’s son Hunter has officially withdrawn from the race to become President of the United States following his felony conviction for gun offences.

George Quinn, a quality control operator for local gas cap manufacturer Babaco, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a coworker who is simply too stupid to have every ounce of happiness in his life crushed by their employer, several grouchy sources report.

WASHINGTON—Calling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. “Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusi...

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Describing the serene smile that spread across the 87-year-old’s face, sources reported that local grandfather Murray Lowe’s eyes lit up Wednesday as he recalled his halcyon days as a regular at his town’s Old Country Buffet. “There was a sparkle in his eyes as he talked of al...