There's probably some kind of deal between cellphone and pants makers to keep pockets small
There's no such thing as a wrong number any more
A mechanic that ain't cursing is a mechanic that ain't working.
Every time someone says "just relax," I think about how relaxing is both a state of being and a verb in motion, which makes it paradoxically stressful.
If every time you blinked an angel got its wings, we'd be surrounded by a veritable flock of celestial beings by now.
Dolores Umbridge was a JK Rowling Self Insert all this time.
Unlike in movies, most smart people aren't good in chess.
Maybe a young Margaret Atwood witnessed the unveiling of her time capsule book in 2114 and then travelled back in time to close the paradox loop by arranging the time capsule book in the first place.
Cucumbers taste like the white part of watermelons
The fastest bicycle in history is the stationary bike on the ISS.
If all the money in the world can only make you look as good as elon musk or jeff bezos there is truly some things money can't buy.
The plural of Kleenex should be Kleenices.
Light switches should be glow in the dark
Who needs a lawn?
Every day reading the news makes me feel like I'm Adam de la Peña from the 2003 comedy central show, I'm with Busey.
Why walk, when you can ride?
Every time someome does the impossible, it gets a little harder to do so.
The worst part of all this political nonsense is that porn never makes it to my homepage anymore
An edgelord used to be a wannabe cool guy, now it's someone that's really good at masturbating without finishing.
The unfortunate thing about twins is that they might fight over which one was not planned.
