miss

Scott Morrison flees to the outback to try and save his own ass, accidentally runs into the Pine Gap perimeter and gets domed by a trigger happy seppo security guard.

He ascends to Hillsong purgatory, which I believe is a 24/7 never ending Australian Idol season, he's stuck in the live audience and the exits are locked.

Imagining one Chief Wiggum-esque cop losing all 23

Cue montage:

• Chasing a suspect over a chain link fence, drops gun as he climbs over the top, while hesitating on whether or not to continue the pursuit, a stray dog picks it up in it's mouth and runs away

• Peeing in the bushes during a stakeout, pants around ankles. Suddenly called to action, he tries to spring into a sprint, falls on his face because pants are around ankles. He tries again this time with both hands pullin up his pants as he does an awkward high knee jog, camera pans back to gun just on the ground, forgotten

• On top of a washing machine at a laundromat. Oblivious cop wearing nothing but white boxers with red love hearts, as if he literally had no other clean clothes in his possession fails to notice the gun inching away from him due to the vibration of the machine, it falls into the gap between machine and the wall

• Pickpocketed by a monkey at the zoo

• Duct taped to a white singlet, Die Hard style, but the singlet is in a dead mall's lost and found

• At a wishing well, cop with a coin in one hand and the gun in the other throws the gun into the well

• Pickpocketed by a second, different monkey at the same zoo later that day while hiding behind cover as gunshots, people screaming and monkey cries are heard in the background

• Left on top of the squad car, slides off as he turns a corner

• Under the seat of a shitty old car, camera cuts to the exterior as it's crushed into a cube

• Inexplicably inside a vending machine in between snacks and candy bars

"X, the Everything App"

We already have one of those, it's called WeChat.

mr ayatollah, your fired sir

Non meme answer, as a line cook:

• Get a good kitchen knife. If a YouTuber has sponsored it, it's probably overpriced (and honestly, quality varies from bad to just above average). A Chinese caidao/vegetable cleaver is versatile and durable, although possibly a bit intimidating because it's larger than Japanese/French knives. A Shi Ba Zi Zuo will be fine for domestic use for years, very affordable, holds its edge quite well, kind of heavy but unlikely to be strenuous unless you're dicing vegetables for hours on end, and even so weight helps with cutting. Holding it is slightly different to a western pinch grip but should be easy to adjust, huge blade surface area allows for it to rest on your knuckles if you wish usage shown here. You can use it as a bench scraper as well. Get a paring knife for things that require a bit more dexterity and you're set.

• Get a biiiig chopping board. Just as large as you can reasonably clean in your sink.

Sodastream is the Israeli company, Airstream is... I think a type of vehicle?

Have you considered using a bunch of empty liquor bottles as decoration? An empty bottle of Jameson on a mantle or on a windowsill has a je ne sais quoi that well put together apartments rarely have.

Doubly so if you don't actually drink.

Next time I move into my own place, I am aiming to have a framed picture of Josip Tito next to an empty bottle of Tito's Handmade Vodka somewhere visible but not prominent as an irl visual gag.

Hello Volcel Police? I would like to narc on someone. I have never snitched before, is there paperwork or a fax number? Yes I'll hold.

Emperor Whatever VIII of Constantinople: Hehe, nice kitty

Pope Guido Innocente XII of Il Vatican: Hehe, nice kitty

King Henry IV of England: Fuckin' mangy cur, kill them all

If America does a purge, do you think all the low level government employees would be too busy hiding in fear that day to notice the warnings that several dozen Dong Feng ballistic missiles were fired directly at Washington DC?

Chuds: The dumb Russians just threw waves upon waves of unarmed conscripts at the Germans in WWII until they ran out of bullets

Also Chuds: Throw waves upon waves of unarmed children at gunmen, that will solve mass shootings

No no, that's because the chuds heard his first name, assumed it was the slur for Chinese people and associated it with Mao because it was the first c-word that popped in their heads.

Everyone doubts this guy's genius, but he has invented time travel. Specifically, his brain has been sent to the last decade where honey badger memes and imgur posts about chili and narwhal bacon was popular. He's going to go on epic meal time next and then do an epic ice bucket challenge.

Its a temporal manipulation only the genius Elon Musk could have accomplished.

Or you could distill the wine into brandy!

Its not some quirky DIY cognac (well, brandy) kit? Its just $11 wine?

We already know you don't live in objective reality, Scott.

Friendship ended with Poland

Now Lithuania is my favourite half of the Poland-Lithuania Commonwealth

The sub is the equivalent of a child hiding under a blanket so the monster doesn't get you.

Except the monsters are real and aren't deterred by blankets, it just hasn't reached you yet.

I believe the NTs are hanging out at a pastel pink coloured restaurant with very rounded edges drinking malt milkshakes, smoking Lucky Strike asbestos filter cigarettes and listening to radio plays with your chums.

The bad boy of the group wears a black leather jacket.