Memories

I was going to comment about deliberately playing as a woman in video games after some introspection, then I realized who made this post^^

I’m only 4 months on HRT, but before it I hated looking at old photos of myself. Now I find them…amusing? Like I know they’re me but they don’t feel like me, more like looking at some kind of lost brother xD Either way, even though I’m very early in transition I’m way more happier about how I look now :3

I LOVE that second "coming out" picrew! 🤗

I may have to do one like that myself.

Also, I would say don't delete anything, but I may also be a bit of a data hoarder 🤷‍♀️

Disclaimer: I don't recommend DIY, there's too many risks.

Well I've been a victim of gatekeeping. After a lot of consideration I decided to try hrt on my own for 3 weeks, to see if it would do anything mentally. It had a huge impact and that's what gave me the courage to be patient again and to go look for help again.

And exactly on the day that my hrt ran out my crush came to visit. It was terrible because I was irritated and angry all the time and I even ended a friendship that day. To make things worse she had to write down my deadname and at some point she accidentally misgendered me. That really hurt because I trust her and she's only known me as a woman. I'm not sure how I feel about her any more.

Yesterday I went to a lesbian party and I made so many connections. And I was able to see myself in the mirror again when I came home.

I'd also like to add that I've learned that a social transition includes transforming the connection with yourself. There's this weird kind of transphobia in me. Do you know what I mean?

This is my favorite picrew from my egg days. I had made dozens of feminine picrews by that point, but I would never save them. I felt scared that if I saved them, I would be forced to accept that I was transfem. I would make a cute one, trying to match my long hair and glasses, and stare at it for a few minutes for gender euphoria. I would go for a gender neutral look that technically matched my surface level features, but I knew that I really wanted a fem look and didn't have the guts to do it.

It was May of 2021. I had already accepted wasn't cis, but hadn't accepted that I didn't want to be masculine in any way. This picrew was a cry for help from my true self. I remember making it almost without thinking. When it was done, I knew what it meant. I knew the sign should read, "You're a woman stupid!" However, I still took another year to accept it and almost another year after that to come out.

You dumb bitch. You poor thing. I love you.

I keep all my old photos, every once in a while I’ll be talking to someone about things and decide I want to see a chronically depressed cadaver go through the motions of… I don’t even really know what… just tons of pictures.

I got pictures of me blackout drunk staring disdainfully in a mirror, pictures of me trying to feign happiness in hundreds of locations at Disney World, pictures documenting the all day drinking and running through the woods at full bore on a 4 wheeler hoping I’d just smash my skull into a tree and die, the daily fire I would make when it was too dark to keep driving drunk through the woods and spend my nights getting more drunk hoping I’d pass out and get killed by wolves.

Sure, If it was life or death I could find a smile or a happy photo, but almost all of them are stoic at best and I’m going to keep them.

That poor fuck held on for something, and in his misery he gave me a life worth living, and for that he deserves his respect and honors. I cannot hate him or erase him. He hurt for so long, he wanted an undying death, and I myself gave him his wish.

Of course, you should do what is best for you, I just have been diving a bit too far into how the Ship of Theseus problem intersects with my identity and personality here lately and have decided I literally AM a different person and that’s okay and consistent with me being the same person I always was, just with less repression.