1y ago

When would you let go?

Hey all! This may be kind of a dumb post as I know I need to make this decision myself, but I‘d sure love some advice. My oldest dog is 11, going on 12. The poor girl is diabetic, blind, has fatty lipomas, and mobility issues due to diabetes, breed, and age. This morning, we are fairly sure she had a stroke of some sort (the vet agrees with this diagnosis so far, blood work and an X-ray are incoming). She eats but doesn’t really want to get up much, and is generally just resting most of the day. She still has a bit of sparkle in her eyes but she doesn’t really seem to have much energy left. The vet hasn’t mentioned it, but I‘m pretty sure it’s about time to say goodbye. The most important thing to my partner and I is that once she’s suffering, it’s time to let go. She just ate a nice full dinner but still doesn’t want to get up and do much. How long would you give her? Till she’s not eating? The vet hasn’t brought it up yet, so maybe I should be patient, but she’s been such a good friend, I don’t want her to suffer. I’m just at a loss, and this is the first time I‘ve had to do this horrible calculus.

41 comments

Have a talk with the vet, where you ask these questions. They may not have brought it up yet, but if you start the conversation, you're likely to get much more sound advice than any one of us can give you.
- You‘re right, thank you for your response. We take her for the X-ray Tuesday, and I will begin the discussion about end of life treatment. I appreciate your input. I think I just needed some support to start this step more than anything. Be well.
- This is what I recently did with my grandparents. We thought their little old dog was ready to go and didn't like to see her suffering. We asked the vet what to do, They do it every day and have the experience and knowledge to make these judgements. Really sorry yourself and pup are going through this. All the best.
  
  This is what I recently did with my grandparents.
  Wat
  We thought their little old dog was ready to go and didn't like to see her suffering.
  Oh!

The most important thing to my partner and I is that once she’s suffering, it’s time to let go.
IMO, this is key.
I've had a number of dogs over the years. My philosophy has always been that my fundamental goal is to try to ensure that they each have as many good days as possible. So once my dog stops having good days and starts having only bad days, that's when it's time. The good days that you gave your dog will always remain, nothing can change history.
If you misjudge slightly and there's a few extra bad days at the end that in hindsight you could have avoided, don't beat yourself up over that. We're not perfect beings and mistakes happen. Talking with the vet will probably help in that department, they are far more experienced with this kind of thing and so will likely be able to give you a better "feel" for what state things are in.
- I really appreciate you. This is one of the hardest days in recent memory, but this baby deserves to go before it gets even worse. I think I’m leaning towards having one more weekend with her, then making that hard call. I really appreciate your empathy, and the last thing I want is to make her hold on and deal with pain on my account. Love to you as well.
  
  We just lost our sweet old boy this last Tuesday morning. I keep beating myself up over the timing of everything, treatment we decided not to do and, ultimately, deciding to bring him home to be with family for the last night vs just putting him down. I appreciate the advice given by Facedeer. So sorry you're going through this.
  
  I know it might not mean much, but I, a random stranger an unknown distance from you couldn’t help but tear up a little at how much you love her.
  She will feel that love until the end, and that love will not fade from your heart. Cherish it, and hold on to it. Even the pain you’re going to feel is just a manifestation of that love.
  For what’s it worth, I’m here if you need to talk.
- This is so important. It's about quality of life. When that's gone, it's time. If the vet is any good, they'll answer this for you: do they think the pet is suffering? It can be really helpful in alleviating guilt that it was "too soon."
  Where I differ from your perspective is that I will always choose "a little soon" over "a little late." This is borne out of personal experiences - watching a pet obviously suffer until we could get a vet appointment is among the most traumatizing thing I've gone through. Even one day can be too much. For us, it's cats, and they can go downhill pretty quickly, so for dogs it might be different.
  
  I'm not saying that we should choose "a little late." I'm saying that it's almost certainly going to happen, because humans aren't gods that can see the future and know when it is a little late. I'm saying that when that happens we shouldn't beat ourselves up over it, it's just a mistake and mistakes happen. The good days we gave our dogs are the important things to remember and focus on.

I've had to say goodbye to 2 beloved senior pets and this is what my vet suggested to me. He said list the 5 things that your pet loves to do the most, those activities that bring him the most joy. When he can no longer do 3 of the 5 things, then maybe start thinking about letting go.
I wish you and your pet all the best as you face these tough choices.
- Man, this should also be a thing for humans. Seeing my grandmother deteriote very slowly is just painful. She wants it to end, we want it to end seeing her deaf, borderline blind and slowly turning incontinent, but her very old body just keeps going on and on without needing long term medical care. Should be part of human rights, dying on your own terms (without having to resort to violence, eg suicide)
  
  I completely agree. As my husband and I get older and think about where to retire, one of the criteria we consider is whether or not the place has "death with dignity" laws. Some states already have it but they're a small minority.

Quality of life my friend goes for humans and animals. It is extremely difficult, and you will know best if she is suffering, but I'm so sorry, I think you already know the answer to your question.
- Thank you for your kind response. I sincerely appreciate it. The blood work literally just came back and was mostly ok, but my baby just isn’t enjoying life the same. I think I‘ll wait for the x-ray but go ahead and bring the transition up with the vet. Much love to you.

I had this same situation in 2022 with my 16 year old rescue (don’t be intimidated by that age, some dogs can just live longer). He already had cystitis two times. Hip issues, like most shepherds get (he was a mixed breed though), pain in all his legs, had a hard time standing up and walking. And he walked very slowly. Could not wag his tail anymore. He went deaf but we both handled that part pretty well. He didn’t eat much anymore and did not seem to enjoy anything. Writing all this down now I think, Wow that was a lot, but all these issues grew over time and only the worst ones appeared very late and it got exponentially worse. Some days it was clearly time to let him go. Other days it got better and I changed my mind again. That went on for many weeks, months.
My vet was always very supportive. She never said I should do it, because it had to be my decision, but she made sure to comfort me and say that it’s ok if I decide to do it and don’t have to feel guilty. Finally when I was at the vet for a checkup and meds I decided to do it. She agreed and explained the process to me and we went through with it. I was crying through it all but it was ok.
Talk to your vet. They’ve seen so many people go through this. I’d say if you feel like it might be time there is probably a good reason for it. You know your dog well and you know when she’s not the same anymore and it’s not just a phase.
I wish we could ask our pets but we can only make that decision for them.

I don't have any experience in this so I can't really give you an answer beyond what you said about once she's suffering, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry this is happening to yous.
- Thank you! I really appreciate your empathy at this time.

You might want to ask your vet for advice rather than waiting for them to bring it up.
They'll have a lot of experience and might be better able to contextualize her subjective experience of the symptoms.
- This is 100% the right way to go about it. If you tell them you want to let her go at the right time, but want to give her the best, most comfortable life possible while you can, they'll be able to help you plan for what you can do to make her happy.
  The only advice I can give is that if you do need to put her down sometime, make sure you're in the room, and comforting them until the end.
  
  Yes to being in the room!!! The stories of the pets looking around for their best friend in their last moments breaks by heart.
  Also, for those that don't know, there's in-home services for this so it doesn't need to be in a strange place for them.
  (And how fucked up that in most places we have that for our pets but not our sick loved ones.)

If she's not in pain, I would let her try to just pass natural, but the moment she starts feeling pain and there's nothing you can do to help and it's clear she's close to passing, would be the time to let go, which even when it's the right thing it's hard to do.

I'm so sorry for what you and your girl are going through. You are both so lucky to have each other. She's been holding on for you because she loves you so much and you have taken such good care of her. I read somewhere that to our animal friends we are like elves, so long lived and seemingly unchanging that their lifetimes are so short to us but we are their whole lives. I think that you will know when it's time, you can probably tell when she is in pain whether she wants you to or not. In the mean time snuggle her, spoil her, feel the warmth and texture of her fur. The time you have now is so precious. When she refuses food, or struggles to breathe it's time. But for now, just love her and give her some pets for me too ❤️
- I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your kindness. Thank you so much. I’m crying hard after reading that, but you’re right. This girl has been strong so long, it’s time to return the favor. We are going to go ahead and get her x-rays on Tuesday (earliest they can do) and enjoy our time fully till then, barring any unforeseen changes. You‘ve really touched me with your words. I think it’s about that time, as hard as that may be.

I just let go of my 16 year old cat this week. I resolved I would do it if he started hiding (cats do that when suffering) or once I was sure he would only get worse. He never did start hiding, but he stopped eating and got so weak that he had trouble getting himself up.
It was tempting to wait and have as much time as I could with him, but I also very much did not want him to die at a vet (though that was plan b if he took a bad turn). I scheduled at-home euthanasia, and it was very odd to have an exact clock on my best friend. I cried so much in the days before and after. But I do feel it was the right decision - he died peacefully with his family around him.
To me, love is simply wanting to be in the presence of another. And true love is to be willing to give even that up if it's in their best interest.

It’s the hardest thing to do. God I miss my dog Borscht. I put her down when she couldn’t eat because of her cancer. She was the sweetest puppo ever. Give your dog extra affection.

https://ruralveterinaryoutreach.org/2022/02/02/pet-euthanasia-a-final-act-of-love/?fbclid=IwAR3GTVEG37B-Y_2ljTbkURd5-O0x-KTW89_yrJQd8RInh3g2tL9WXcPdMJ0

IMO there are just two questions to ask. Is she in pain? Is she ever going to get better? If the answer to the first is yes, and the second is no, then it's time.
- I don’t think she‘s in pain just yet, but she sure isn’t going to get better. We‘ve been coming down the mountain for a bit. The worst part is that does let me know what I need to know. I‘d rather avoid the pain, and let her go before she suffers. Thank you for your kind response. I‘ve really appreciated the support at this time. I Hope you‘re well, friend.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, but personally that list would have had me making the appointment already. Putting me in place of your dog, it's what I wish someone would do for me. Having been there I know it's one of the hardest calls to make, but it really is about quality of life and not wanting to wait "too long" and cause undo suffering to a non-vocal friend. 😢
- Thank you, friend. I think my heart knows the answer, it’s just time to face it. We are going to go ahead and do the x-ray at the first available opportunity, but also go ahead and start the conversation about the end, if not just go ahead and make the call. I‘ve never had to make this decision and I must admit it’s hard, even though I know it’s right. I really appreciate your thoughts.

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had advice to give, but just know you have my sympathy.

I haven't had the experience to see either of my MY dogs grow old to have to make this decision in the same way you are. Both at 8.5yrs and full of piss and vinegar ended up with cancers that were terminal. When I was looking into this for myself and struggling with the decision, I stumbled upon a vet's blog that basically said she never once heard anyone say they did it too soon, and only ever heard regret about having waited too long. A family friend also gave me advice that it's the last act of love and compassion we can give them. I am not judging you and say this with no intended shame at all, with only what you've said to go by, but I think it's time, and maybe a little past time. At the end of the day it's you and your well loved furry friend, not me and mine. It's going to be hard no matter when, so if you can, try to have family with you and planned support for a few days. You'll feel their presence for a very long time. My most recent was in April last year and that nugget is still around me in many ways, and getting blamed for my gas at both ends.
I went on a little unnecessarily. I'm sorry that this decision is upon you, but I'm glad you've been able to have and provide this companionship that has brought you here.
- Thank you so much, friend. You‘ve really got a good point, I‘d rather just save her the pain than delay for myself. I have a feeling I will take this weekend with my sweet girl then go ahead and let her go. She deserves that much. I’m truly sorry you went through this recently yourself. Much love, and thanks for responding.
  
  She was a great dog, and thank you. I had someone come into my home and do it so she could be comfortable with her surroundings. She's didn't like the vet office much 😂. My first dog loved anyone and everything and going to the vet was a treat because of the people, so taking her in wasn't a big thing for her. Just wanted to let you know about the in home option in case that seems like a good option for you.

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