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Asklemmy @lemmy.ml
EndRedStateSubsidies @leminal.space

How many people are only still alive because they don't want their suicide hurting others as much as they hurt every day?

The older I get the more clear basically every facet of our society is to exploit us and fill us with propaganda.

The first thing that comes to mind when I wake up is how much I just hate being surround by this species that seems to want nothing more than to destroy itself.

Everything is a fucking joke and I'm fucking tired of everyone but I have a daughter.

I'm absolutely miserable and disgusted by basically everyone but I don't have the luxury of being able to quit. I just long for death.

47 comments

  • Didnt wanr to hurt my grandma. The only person that cares about me. Now i life to spite my blood family

  • Shortly after entering adulthood, I lost a close friend. He was still in college at the time, a talented, friendly, bright light snuffed far too early. He was well loved and his funeral was so packed that it was standing room only. One attendee described it as "the most depressing class reunion ever."

    His loss has never left me.

    Right before I got the phone call telling me the news, I had been feeling extremely down about myself. I was crossing my work parking lot (which I had to do regularly as part of my job) without looking up for moving cars, thinking that if I got hit, it wouldn't have mattered.

    But that same day, my phone rang. It was a mutual friend, and through obvious tears and a quavering voice, she told me, "John is dead!"

    With that, everything changed.

    I'll never forget how much it hurt to lose somebody so important to me. The idea of purposely putting my friends through that has kept me going more times than I can count. I have to remind myself, even in my darkest, most self-hating moments, that I'm more important to others than I realize. I can't imagine John would have known just how much of an impact he had made on others, but I saw the proof. I felt the pain. I love my friends and family too much to entertain the thought of making them attend my funeral. And so I push on, but with one change:

    I now make a point to explicitly tell my friends how much they matter to me.

  • I enjoy life. But I am very aware that if I die, it all just stops.

    If not for the pain I'd cause my loved ones, I wouldn't mind dropping dead tomorrow. As long as it's instant and painless. Like turning off a pc. When it's off, it's over. Easypeasy. No more stress, hunger, love, joy, nothing. Doesn't sound horrible to me.

    Suicide though? No way. There's too much good to actively keep living for.

  • I'm only alive because of my friend. She means everything to me and is the only one that fully believes me.

    edit: forgot to mention, but yeah, she would be devastated if I killed myself, which is why I don't.

  • The overwhelming majority of social ills and mental health issues are directly caused by alienation and exploitation under capitalism. I feel you friend, I am trying to find a new job and I have one month of rent and bills I can pay and then I am gonna be homeless and idk what I am gonna do. My choices are burden my family in ways they are already strained or just going and living on the street and probably never coming back from that. I'm 40 and becoming homeless at this stage of my life might well kill me.

  • I actually seriously considered that thought for the first time the other day. Turns out hurting my family is a pretty good motivator to not off myself. It's a double edged sword though because I also don't do other things I want because I don't want to hurt them or face their condemnation.

  • I'm familiar with the feeling, but luckily not in that state right now.

    Idk that there's much advice to help you. TBH, nothing anyone says when I'm in your current thought space (or rather my version of it) ever helps. The only consistent thing that helps me is time.

    I guess I could recommend giving medication a try if you haven't.

    The other thing that might help is checking yourself into a psychiatric hospital. At one of my lowest points, I just wanted to walk into traffic; it was all I could think about. My therapist recommended I get evaluated at a local psychiatric hospital and they suggested I stay for a week, and I agreed. Mostly, they kept me safe from myself while time passed and I processed through my feelings. I also had some imbalances that needed medicinal correction. And, when everything was said and done, I didn't have to pay a dime - and my insurance sucks ass.

    Anyway. I know you can't feel it, but everyone is pulling for you. Stay with us. 🫶

    • I'm so tired of being told I'm sad because I don't have drugs.

      I've tried a dozen medications and they all make me feel worse. One made me allergic to fucking sunlight.

      Our world is broken and dying as the rich hasten it along and we're gaslit to accept the blame for it.

      The police are thugs servicing fascist tyrants and protecting them from us.

      Wall Street, Walmart, schools, healthcare, fucking everything is about controlling and exploiting.

      When I was a kid, super soakers were a hundred dollars. China has basically battery powered water rail guns at that same price point now while we still have the same hand pump plastic shit. The US gets farther and farther behind the world and yet somehow even more up is own ass despite being one is the dumbest and fastest countries on the fucking planet.

      • I hope I didn't come across as, "You need drugs." I totally get that they don't work for everyone. The brain is complex enough on its own, let alone what meds do to the rest of your body. I'm lucky that they help me a lot, but it did take a while to find my mix.

        You seem to have a big heart and sharp mind for large problems that affect us all. It's a burden. Maybe you can figure out some ways to make small differences in your own life. - Not like holding a sign at a protest. More like choosing where to spend money, reducing fun spending during the next 4 years (staycation instead of vacation, for example), showing up at city hall or school board meetings and standing up for the defenseless. Maybe finding something small that you can DO will help you feel less hopeless over time.

        ---Unnecessary Examples Below---

        One thing that I've been thinking about lately is how absolutely isolated we are in the U.S. about everything: culturally, socially, international news, now supply chains... Like yeah, everything "comes from China," but we get charged insane prices for the privilege of "buying American" because of assembly processes or whatnot.

        Anyway, alone, we can't do much to affect the massive profit machines, but maybe there's a way to buy your super soaker railgun direct from a Chinese warehouse. TikTok is buzzing with workarounds for products and tariffs.

        Another thing I've been sitting with is just acknowledging that my fellow Americans lack basic understanding and empathy. They don't even understand concepts like object permanence or being kind to your neighbors. And it hurts. Idk why, but it does. Maybe I just feel bad because I told myself a lie, or maybe I'm mourning the loss of a group of people who never existed. In any case, I flicker between sadness and spite. I'm in Texas in a district that voted 73% orange: I can safely assume that anyone I run into hates my guts. So I reflect their energy when it's appropriate, like in traffic situations or grabbing things rudely in the grocery store. So far, this microscopic outlet has assisted me in finding some small way to process my anger and grief.

  • I felt that way for a while, then I found out those people didn’t care about me as much as I thought. I’ve been holding on to my anger at that to keep me going for a year now. I dunno what’ll happen once that burns out.

  • Been there, all depressed because of current state of the world, and learning that the "solutions" or "ways out" by the media are false or just delaying the inevitable/distractions, and judging from your comments you might be feeling the same thing.

    However, if you do that, not only would your daughter suffer but the world would also lose someone truly radical in today's society, someone who would truly sees past the ideology and propaganda we're subjected to. If everyone like that were to off themselves or start heavily abusing substances as a tool of escapism, the world would never change and people with a future ahead of them like your daughter would be doomed for certain.

    It's important to cling onto hope - a better world is possible and you can be a part of building it, both individually but more importantly, collectively. Drop subtle hints in your conversations about what you think is wrong nowadays, who the real enemies you see are, plant the seeds in your colleagues and hope they'll come to the same conclusions by themselves. If you see any resistance organizations aligned with your views politically, why not join them - after all, you're not alone. Point is - there is still hope for change.

    Though if it works and it does make you feel better, you can also start focusing on positive/good news, even though I'm skeptical it would work, pandora's box and all. Maybe even seek counseling or therapy if you have access to it.

  • I have told the few people I trust enough that the only reason I'm still here is because I know it would hurt them if I left.

    I stopped caring way before covid. It's just gotten worse since.

47 comments