Anon is at a work function

his coworkers are the socially inept ones that's a top tier dad joke.
- Seriously, that was fire, either his coworker was a much worse social reject, or greentext had already fucked his reputation at work. Since it's 4chan, I can easily assume he tried to hit on every female coworker in some really creepy way and now nobody wants to be near him. I had a coworker like that. Everyone hated him.
  
  now I get flashbacks to the time we did a company retreat at some holiday beach.
  10 or so of our company go on a sailingboat party tour with another group: a very obvious bachlorettes party. a dozen or so woman, with one of them wearing a white bikini and head gown.
  creepy-social-inept-dude from our company decided to try his luck. With the future bride of all people.
  It was quite amusing and sad to watch

I once walked towards a dude wearing the same shirt as me in a nightclub on my way to the toilet. I said, "Nice shirt bro!" and then walked directly into a floor to ceiling mirror.
- I've bumped into a mirror at a nightclub and apologized to myself. And then facepalmed harder than I ever have before.
- Were you sober
  
  What do you think? I probably should add that I was 19 at the time where its legal to drink in the UK at it was around 1AM

i would definitely have laughed at that.
- Yeah, that would have been my cue to leave and never hang out with those people outside of work ever again.
- Everyone is now blankly staring at you.

If I had to go out drinking with my coworkers and boss as part of my job like they do in Japan then I would end myself
- Same. I don't drink, so it'll suck even more than usual.
  
  Welcome to hell.
  https://thenorwayguide.com/julebord/
  The problem with the Norwegian julebord tradition is that it is not only used for eating nice Christmas food, but it’s also just as common to use it as an excuse to get very drunk.
  Coworkers getting very drunk together also tends to be a bad idea in general, and the julebord tradition is known to have many controversies. Not only is it the most likely place for someone to hook up with a coworker, but it’s also known to be a breeding ground for workplace conflicts and sexual harassment.

don’t go to unpaid work functions
- I'm only going if there's free beer. Like, real, actual beer. None of that 0% BS.
- I got chewed out for not going to a company bowling party once because I was working that night and asked for overtime if I went. I was doing security patrols which in that job meant 12-hour overnight shifts that were mostly driving, and I refused to lose 3 hours of sleep so I could go out before work. The HR lady or whatever she was couldn't understand why I refused to go even though she so thoughtfully planned it outside of work hours. Oh, forgot to mention, she and the other admin people were on the clock of course, just not us night shifters.
  
  fuck companies like this
  
  that is shitty and should be pointed out to her if she genuinely didn't know
  
  "If I'm not being paid, I'm not coming" is something i make clear with my bosses early on. It doesn't ingratiate me to mgmt, but i already tried the "team player" route and it's an investment with no fucking returns.
  I'm too old to fuck around. I'm tired of corpo-speak. im only there to get paid, so miss me with that off-hours shit. i have plenty of friends and bossman aint never gonna be one of em.
- It’s a good way to connect with your coworkers and organize or at least talk about pay together.
  
  Unless your co-workers are absolutely miserable like Anons.
  
  The only place I worked that had frequent unpaid functions was JP Morgan Chase. Those people are not organizing against the man, and if pay is brought up, it's to rub it in someone's face.
  Don't go to unpaid work functions.
- Unless there is free food. Never pass up free food.
  
  there is a food to effort ratio
  (quality + cost + favor) / (pain + suffering + people)
  
  Donuts
  Check.

Wow anon thank you for the illustration
I wasn't sure what you meant by "plain white t shirt" lol
- Can you circle it for me? Still having trouble...
  
  Here. I've circled in the color white for you. Maybe it's helpful imagining a shirt with that color

Anon used the word 'bro' when they should have used the word 'friend' and cupped the balls of their white shirt brother. Also, that's a t-shirt not a shirt, no wonder anon disappoints everyone
- It's very offensive when people try to talk to me without cupping my balls first. Politeness is dead!
  
  You never needed a friend in me before. But now you come to me and you say "Empricorn, nice t-shirt." But you don't show me respect. You don't offer friendship. You didn't even think to cup my balls."
- T-shirts are a sub-set of Shirts in general.

I'm at my first office job. A lot of people seem to eminate of the same forced positivity I saw during college. I don't want to isolate myself, but I can't see myself making connections.
- Remember that sociable people are over-represented in your data set. The hermits and otherwise isolated types are the ones you are least likely to see around the office even when they are present.
- Start signing your emails with "Kindest regards,"
  Everyone knows that such people are not to be trifled with. It's the office job equivalent of killing an inmate in the prison yard on your first day.
  
  "Thank you for all you do." Is my go to.
  I regularly beef with the kindest regards lady. She's a lazy ass lol
  
  Please advise
  Kindest regards, Anon
  =May well have pushed the CEO off the roof, if you don't fix your shit and now it might happen to you
- Just keep telling people that you're swamped. "Aw man I wish I could go but I'm swamped. Thanks for inviting me though!" I've been in my corpo job for two years and have yet to attend any social events, except when catered and then I just sneak in and grab a plate then bail.

How else were they to stare at your blank shirts?

- found the middling-manager in HR that set the whole thing up to begin with.
  
  *below mediocre manager.
  Even the average HR person can see a large scale roasting in a work environment would be a disaster.
- "He he, that's a good one, Denise! Got me good! I have to go to the bathroom now, but definitely not to sob in the stall..."