5d ago

how's your week going, Beehaw

the Super Bowl halftime show was pretty good, they should consider continuing the strategy of getting people who aren't totally washed

You're viewing a single thread.

52 comments

I just feel emotionally fragile. My friend who told me we were through changed his mind and apologized. I understand what he's going through because I've been there too, but I can't shake the feeling everyone's a step away from dropping me. He can apologize for shutting me down and explain how he actually meant it kindly, but I still feel like the most annoying person on the planet.
I have a D&D game with a new group coming up, as well as a queer matchmaking event. The thought of both are making me kind of sick. I've had multiple friendships end in a slow drama spiral. I read so much about conflict resolution and de-escalation and still, I say my piece and the other person starts ranting about how much they hate themselves and how they shouldn't be my friend.
I just keep missing how my friend group used to be. After the vaccine became available in the US, we all took a big trip together and it was one of the nicest memories of my life. We talked about doing more trips in the future. Now I don't know where I stand with any of them.
I'll probably suck it up but I'm tempted to cancel both events. I really want companionship but I can only imagine myself ruining people's self esteem.
- That really sucks. I've been the mediator friend for a lot of friendship networks and sometimes it's so exhausting to feel like the only thing keeping people and relationships together. 🫂
  It sounds like some of your friends have a lot of self-loathing and they should work on that. While you can encourage them, it's important to know that it's not your job to help everyone around you love themselves. They have to do that work, because otherwise it won't actuallyheal.
  It's a lot to put on other people, and all to often people don't even realize they're doing it. Sometimes I think people feel like other people will just only engage at a level they're comfortable with, not realizing there are people out there who will treat it as a duty or responsibility to deal with anything a friend presents them.
  Because my medley of neurodivergence and trauma will always tell me to help a friend, at any cost. I have to work hard to not do that.
  Don't forget to take time for yourself.
- Have you heard of 7 cups? It's a lovely community for folks working on their mental health. I have two therapists and started medication now and it's getting my mental state in line, finally. But before all of that I found 7 cups helpful. (https://www.7cups.com/)
  
  I used to be a 7 cups listener. Their privacy policy is an atrocity. Be safe out there. Nothing on that platform is private.
  
  Oh yea - defo didn't use my real identity. It's an open group style participation. It was helpful for what it was.
  
  Once I understood their policy, it gave me a distaste for the service. I'm glad it was helpful to you!
  
  Thanks, I really appreciate the suggestion. Probably not necessary though as I'm actually on my third therapist. I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me for a long time. 😓
  
  Aww. Maybe it's not "what's wrong with you" and more what do you need to make coping in this world more manageable? That's what it was for me, in a nutshell. Always happy to chat so you can message me anytime.
  
  Thanks ❤️ I just don't want to cope without close relationships, I guess, so I really want to know why I keep making people spiral.
  Sometimes I think it's not me, it's them... But it's become so many of them.
  
  I doubt that you are making people spiral. From what I've experienced and observed in my own life, I think people who are dealing with shit tend to attract other people who are dealing with similar shit. And sometimes, depending on how said people are dealing with their shit, everyone's shit can start colliding and turn into a shit storm. It's not one person's fault, and all any individual can do is work on their own shit and go from there.
  
  That's reassuring, thanks. I feel insane sometimes from the effect I have on people when I think I've said something normal. My therapist didn't ask for any examples and just convinced me I'm rude af because I'm autistic and was homeschooled, but cutting out the "rude" behaviors never helped. In fact, people started melting down when they learned I'd done that.
  "You stopped doing that thing I had a meltdown over? Why are you still hung up on what a dick I was?" When they'd never told me they were a dick or that they were wrong. I thought if I apologized for something, I'm supposed to stop doing it.
  I just feel like I'm not appropriate to be around people sometimes because I do the right thing and everyone still has some kind of nervous breakdown.
  
  That seems odd to me that your therapist never asked for examples. If you ever feel like it, I'm sure people here would be happy to give you input if you're wondering how people might generally react to something in particular.
  
  Thanks. It's probably not worth digging up conversations, I've been avoiding people I know for a while now so I don't remember verbatim how those conversations played out. I just remember the parts where a friend is spiraling because everyone hates him for being a colonizer and I'm like "I didn't say I hated you or was mad at you or that you're a colonizer?? I'm white???" or the part where a friend is talking about how evil he is for two hours while I'm trying to get him to stop and I feel like dogshit because I thought if I told him he was hurting my feelings he'd just apologize and we'd move on.
  But that's not useful information if I don't remember exactly what I said before it. I just remember what I was trying to say.
  
  Obviously without the full context it's hard to say for certain, but IMO if people are acting in the way you're describing in response to some criticism, that's more an indicator of work they should probably be doing on themselves than anything you did. I'm not saying there aren't times when it would have been helpful to word things differently because maybe there were, but I wouldn't be too quick to put all the blame on yourself.
  
  The weird thing is, the majority of the time I wasn't even criticizing them. A lot of the time I'd be bitching about my own life and I'd try to be as specific as possible but my friend was convinced I was secretly talking about him, and our other friends agreed I was partially at fault.
  Of course the times I did criticize them went even worse. I developed a habit of just agreeing with them and complying to all their criticisms of me, but that upset them more because it turned out they didn't believe all their criticisms and just said them because they were mad.
  I don't know. I just don't want to make friends anymore because it's damned if I do, damned if I don't. I keep shoving myself into queer spaces because I always wanted to find love before I die, but I don't think I like being close to people anymore. It's confusing and uncomfortable.
  
  I've found this to be the case over the years. If I'm in active alcoholism, that's who I find, usw. "Broken" people seek out "broken" people, because what the normies are doing makes no sense at all.
  
  Gentle hugs

52 comments