How to deal with Mom who CANNOT learn how to use a password manager, but demands I "fix it"

Part of the problem isn’t necessarily you or her, I feel like websites are increasingly hostile toward password managers by coming up with arbitrary rules, weird JavaScript hacks and annoying two page sign-in forms.

I’m a web developer but even I get frustrated with how websites want to hijack input fields and do validation with shithole JavaScript frameworks instead of simpler HTML5 validation (only for frontend obviously, the server should still validate on the backend).

Okay no one has said this, but feel you. When I was younger I was so happy my family thought I was smart and leaned into it. It's great, they want something installed, they want advice, it works. Then they get greedy, they stop respecting my time, I get chastised for not answering my phone because they HAVE to get into their email RIGHT NOW.

So, if you're feeling all of this, it may be time to start setting boundaries. Some helpful things:

Mom, if you want to ask for my help then you can't just undo my help right after I leave. If you want my help, you will use what I set up, you will use this password manager and you will put in the effort to learn it. I offer these services for free, Geek Squad would charge you $200 for this service alone. If you can't do it that's fine, but then you can go to them for help.

I understand that it's not working right now but I'm not a 24/7 service. I can help you in

<reasonable time frame>

.

At some point some older people just stop trying to learn anything new. I also worked geek squad, which is where I saw this first hand. Some very very basic problem solving and just the will to learn something new will take them 90% of the way, but most have lost those basic skills. For those, well, politely you have to tell them that they have to rely on others, and that's why geek squad exists.

A lot of geeks laugh at the $200 price tag. That's ridiculous! I could do that in 10 minutes! Correct! The fix is usually the easiest part of the job. That's why there's only 1 or 2 actual repair techs per best buy, but 10 or more desk agents who just sit and listen to the elderly talk about how much they hate computers and refuse to learn it.

Tell her you'll fix it if she gives you power of attorney.

No, I'm not joking.

If you are having to spend 8 hours to figure out how to help her manage her basic affairs, if you are constantly teaching her how to use a password manager and she cannot figure it out, she has diminished cognitive capacity.

If she has already delegated you to be in charge of all her account logins, she's basically already given you de facto control over them, already acknowledged she isn't capable of of managing her own affairs.

Gather a bunch of other evidence that she has trouble with basic tasks, can't reliably perform basic household activities, manage finances, whatever, approach a lawyer and get the power of attorney document(s) drawn up.

EDIT: // Holy shit, just saw your other comment:

Well I also cook everything, grocery shop and fix everything (basic electrical, plumbing, woodworking, installations, etc).

Yeah, you are already functionally her caretaker.

Depending on the state you're in (assuming you are in the US) you might be able to actually get yourself certified as her caretaker without much or any actual input from her, before you pursue power of attorney. //

This solves the cut out problem.

...

After that, explain your solution:

Print out a big list of all those passwords and logins for her.

Meanwhile, you've got them all as well, presumably you can just use her password manager and have access to it.

If she resets a password and can't figure out how to log back in, fix it back to something you know, but don't let her use this account for one week.

After a week, print out a new list for her with the new password you've set.

If she resets another password while in a 7 day timeout period, well now it'll be two weeks for that both passwords to become available to her, etc.

This may sound like too much, but she's a cognitively diminished entitled brat, who has already conditioned you into being a doormat who is expected to waste a seemingly endless amount of time and effort to solve problems she creates, problems that people without a live-in technical support agent pay hundreds of dollars to solve.

She will not learn if she has no impetus to. She's obviously used the 'tough love' model on you, use it back on her.

If she complains about this, doesn't matter, you have power of attorney, send her to an old folks home, sell the house and move to an apartment, or rent a room out if it or something.

Get a blank notebook with alphabetic tabs and write all her passwords in there. Label it "crochet projects" or something. A non-techy friend of mine does that. At first I was horrified but it's a lot safer for her than post-it notes on the monitor.

I don't mean to be rude, but maybe stop forcing her to use a tool that you like but she doesn't. I'm tech savvy but I also think that password managers are a pain in the ass to use. Just let her choose a password of her choice for every service, give her a little paper notebook and let her note down all the passwords. Tell her to make them long and secure and different for every service. Tell her to store the notebook in a safe place. Done.

Stop helping, she uses you as a crutch because the option is there

Make a document with all of the passwords and save it to her desktop. Print it, too, and leave it in a drawer.

Use the firefox browser on iphone? You could make an account that links passwords.

My mom's password manager is a pen and paper notebook. It's not ideal, but it keeps me from having to reset everything every month, and she chooses slightly more complex passwords since she doesn't have to remember them (even though she is slowly memorizing them)

so part of your room and board is tech support services? sounds fair.

Go to another account she hasn't messed up on her phone, and make her watch as you use the password manager to get in. Then, you can tell her for sure that the tech is working, and you've done your part, but you cannot fix her behavior. If she wants to keep resetting her passwords all the time, that's on her, otherwise, she'll have to put a small amount of time and effort into adapting to using the password manager.

If she isn't going to follow your suggestions and advice, why is she asking you for help? If she sincerely wants help, she needs to make an effort on her side to follow through.

This is a problem with psychology and boundaries, not a tech issue.

You can use Bitwarden as the native password manager on an iPhone. And that can sync to the desktop version. I have all my passwords in one place. And on the iPhone since it’s the system password manager it works with apps too.

Alternatively, get her a small notebook, write things down and tell her to use that.

Did you set Firefox as the default iPhone password manager?

My mother-in-law was super dependent on my wife for everything related to technology. Banking apps, netflix, sending and receiving money, anything related to the government she had her do it. Then we moved a few states away. We came for a visit a few months ago and guess what? She manages to do it all by herself now. Even calling an uber or finding the cat videos she likes she was able to do herself now.

The point being: she doesn't want to and won't learn because she has someone to do it for her. Since you can't make her do it, then you just have to accept it unfortunately.

I have my 80+ year old mom using Bitwarden. She has some issues creating new logins but for the most part it is working great on her desktop and her iPhone.

I have her pointed at my own Vaultwarden server and I know her master password if I really need to get in.

My wife is like this. I just set her up with Chrome's password manager despite the fact that I'm a Firefox and Bitwarden user. Works in Chrome, on Android, and on iOS - she doesn't have to use Chrome on iOS, you just have to install Chrome and set it as the iOS password manager and it still works with all apps and Safari. She doesn't care if Google has her whole life on file and I'm not paid enough to care for her.

Use something that has solid iPhone support. Bitwarden has integration with iPhone to replace the built in password manager. That’s what I do. It

Then on desktop, I use the bitwarden plugin for safari, Firefox, and chrome.

It even works for passkeys and syncs them between devices. Even between iPhone and desktop. It intercepts the iPhone passkey manager.

Then it even works for her apps on iPhone.

Seriously, it’s a very seamless, elegant solution.

My family used to both say I was the nerd and can and need to fix all their shit, AND anytime anything went wrong it MUST be my fault since I'm the one "tinkering" with and fixing their shit.

This is a minor part of a huge amount of reasons I worked my ass off to get fully independent and no contact with my family anymore.

PEBKAC.

But seriously, she needs to understand that, even though she (presumably) taught you how to tie your shoes, you don't keep having her tie them for you. At some point there is no problem except that she isn't accepting the solution.

Keeping with the analogy, if a person just refuses to tie shoes, not wearing shoes is always an option...

Do what I do with my wife. I say she has to learn how to do it and I sit down in front of her and make her take notes and then have her try doing it. I've finally been able to get her to do some stuff on the computer on her own.

Send her invoice

fix it!!

Part of the problem is a lot of programs that people who understand tech think is simple or obvious is actually stupidly wrote and confusing and illogically set up.

Older people rely on logic. And most interfaces are the opposite of logical.

Younger people have this idea of "press a bunch of buttons and once you see how it works, then memorize the steps ".

I'm going to guess that she has said something to the effect of "why is this so complicated"?

The only issue I take is that she won't keep track of the new password that she creates. That to me is laziness.

Set "office hours" and stick to them. She can make a list of things to do. Maybe it needs to be 20 min every evening, or maybe just once or twice a week. My partner has a similar (but more minor) problem, and this has worked both increasing self-help and making the time spent more enjoyable. Though I'm sure it helps that the needy person doesn't live with us. Good luck

Would she use one of those little password-keeper books? It's not as secure as a password manager, but it might help get her self-sufficient.

You could start not knowing how to do things, give slower answers, just give bad customer service. Or ask her if whatever she's trying to do can wait until she gets home to get computer.

I know the feeling of wanting to help, it's part of why I became a librarian. I also know the pain of old folks coming in and asking the same questions. I had one lady, really sweet, that would come in and ask for the phone numbers to maybe 3 businesses a day. Like, we'd show her how to look it up, we'd walk her through it on a public terminal, she'd still ask us again the next day. It gets frustrating and you pick your battles.

At least I could go home after a shift and stop being the tech-knower. It doesn't sound like you get to and that sucks.

This isn’t great, but it’s what I ended up resorting to for my mom who refused to use any service, browser setting, or saved file:

• Make a “master” password with upper-case characters and digits (e.g., M45T3R). Memorize it or write it down.
• Interleave the characters with those of the domain the password is for (e.g., for google.com: gMo4o5gTl3eR). She can type the master password first, then put the cursor at the start and type each letter of the domain name hitting the right arrow after each letter.

As long as she remembered the master password, she could reconstruct the others on the fly. A human could still look at the result and figure out the pattern, but at least it protected her from automated tools.

Maybe just tell your mom that since she had changed her password, there is a 30 minutes delay before she can login.

Maybe if there are consequences things will change?

Take the phone and “work” on it for a few hours, hand it back still not working.

“I don’t know, we tried this before and just can’t get it to work again.”

Can't you setup whatever manager to autofill the password?

Have a conversation and listen to her. I'm guessing that her behaviors are driven by an emotion. Maybe she's overwhelmed by the complexity. Most people who say that they don't care about security actually prioritize ease of use over security. Unfortunately good security can be hard.

If/when you speak to her, don't try to solve her problems during that conversation. Meet her where she's at and empathize with her. When she's done, you get to express your concerns and see her reacting. I'm guessing that you're concerned that she is putting her finances at risk. Explain your concern to her.

Once you both come to a shared understanding, then you can come with some ideas for her to react to. Again, dig deep into her concerns, talking through them. You're going to need to let some things go. It's her life and her money and you'll be there to help in a nonjudgemental way if anything bad happens and then you can have another conversation after the dust has settled.

I ended up with my parents having 3 passwords. One for their bank, one for their health stuff and one for everything else. The bank and health ones are long and difficult to guess, the other one is easy to remember and "good enough".

Power of Attorney

Instead of dropping a system on her that she can't/won't use, try asking her what she wants to do. You can explain why passwords need to be different, but you can simplify it by sharing passwords across sites that don't matter. So someone gets her BBC password and finds they can also use it on the Daily Fail, whoop-de-doo. Different pw for the bank.

Simplify your own life. You have to do free tech support for your Mum, and to be fair she changed your nappies for years, but everyone else is expected to trade, especially if they expect you to pay for their services when you need them.

Of course tinkering with something makes it your fault any time anything goes wrong, and the lesson we learn from that is .....?

Fuckin hell im thankful my parents are cool. I need to do something nice for them

Only option really is to show her how to reset her password. Sounds like she's already doing it, just tell her that's how you log in, you let it autofill, and if it doesn't work you click forgot password and check your email and that's how passwords work now

Give her a notebook

Maybe try a different password manager and see if its interface is easier for her to use? There are lots of options, not all of them FOSS but this might be a time to accept a well-regarded commercial solution. Or, since she has the iPhone, try using their password solution. They integrate that pretty thoroughly in their apps and OS, and I think with this year’s OS releases across the board they have turned it into more of a fully-fledged password manager with its own apps. I know very little about it, but there might be a way to integrate it with Firefox on desktop now.

Chrome Password Manager is easily the most intuitive I've found. Tons of people use it without even realising it exists. Auto synced via Google account on android and you don't have to worry about it. Idk if she uses iOS what would be comparable.

Show her it works, set boundaries, and enforce them. She cannot use you as a crutch for her inability.

If all else fails, fix it one last time, and tell her she needs to go to best buy (or whatever tech store offers tech support) for the next time and when she asks for you to fix it, just stand your ground and make her pay for someone else to deal with her shit.

Apologies if it's been mentioned already, but since most sites require access to the account email to reset the password, could you set up a filter in the email that forwards to you then deletes any email that has like "password reset" "account recovery" or other common variations in the subject?

Firefox and edge have built in password managers with autofill. Can't she just use those?

I set up LastPass for my parents but they refuse to use it. My mom got locked out of her Facebook account and can't regain access because she doesn't know the password, doesn't know the email it was registered with, and her phone died so she can't prove any prior access. Too bad so sad. Still won't use LastPass.

I had a stepbrother who killed the internet for 2 weeks to make sure that it help came only outside of our family.

Tip I can give, give her multiple options and say this is the best you can do. Even though you might know better options, letting someone pick it themselves gives them some ownership of it at least

I use vaultwarden, and I stumbled upon the generated password history. It's awesome.

What about using OneKey so that she mostly needs to worry about remembering a PIN? It looks like you can set it up to automatically open your password manager. Might also need to synch her browsers.

As an added bonus, she would have to hold on to the key without losing it, because if she lost it, she's effectively locked out of accounts forever.

at some point, you gotta throw in the towel and let her use one password for everything. not ideal at all, sure, but it's not the end of the world as long as it's complex enough.

or get her a notebook, or a note-taking app, and jot down all the passwords for every account (not the generated ones from the password manager; too complex).

if your issues are more of the "help me, now!!" variety and you want to keep her off your back, tell her that you're busy and can help in ten minutes or an hour or at some scheduled time. if her stuff is urgent, too bad, your work is too. show her that you're not at her beck and call, and then help her at that scheduled time; you'd be surprised at how fast the problems reside.