This just reminds me of those stupid fucking ads that said "I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC!" And idiots everywhere just assumed Macs weren't PCs. People are friggin' dumb.
Also Miracle Whip is not comparable to mayo. They're not even close. Mayo is an oil that you can cook in. Miracle Whip is a salad dressing that burns in heat. They don't even taste alike. Blame Kraft for their on-label bullshit.
Best we can do is we'll give you laptops but you still have to come to the office for 8 hours every day, fight with your coworkers for one of the places to sit in or you'll have to use an underfilled pouf on a corner. What do you mean parking bonus? No, buses don't come to this part of downtown, you'll have to walk from the train station 3 km away. We have WiFi, but only management machines are allowed, we have conveniently placed ethernet ports around the office, you can bring your own cable or use one of our one foot cables that IT made with spares.