You have five minutes to talk to your pets where they can fully understand every word you tell them. What do you say?

You make every day brighter with your presence.
I love you.
Please don't lick your junk within earshot. It sounds gross.

I would listen to them and let them tell me what they want, what i can do better. Oh, i would explain to them why i would take them to the vet. I don't need to tell them how much i love them, we don't need language for that :-)
- I agree but OP didn’t specify if the animals could speak back.

Aw man, the feels. I wish I could have told my cat during euthanasia how much I love her and how everything was okay, I know she was in a weird unknown vet's office and she was in pain but it was going to be over soon, and how much she transformed my life and made it better, and that I hope I did right by her for the eight years she was part of my life. Love you babycat ♥️
- I wish I could've told one of my late cats that all those vet trips were not me being mean. That all those horrible tablets and medicines were not being evil. But that's he's very ill and needs those to live longer.
- God, this made me weep at work

“who’s a good boy/girl? Its you, always you! Please stop eating the carpet though”

I love you all so much, I don't know if anyone can understand just how much. You make my life better in ways I can't explain.
Jack, you're 15, and I know it's a long walk, but please stop peeing on any piece of fabric that lands on the floor. You're a cat, and your pee smells like ammonia's older brother who works out and doesn't shower.
Monty, I know the IVDD makes it difficult for you to play and move around as much as you want, and I just need you to never jump off the bed again. That will make things better. I will always be here to carry you.
Mary, Maizie, you're the babies, and I know you think you can jump off the bed, but just don't do it, and you won't end up with problems like Monty has. Also, stop pooping inside. You love going outside so much, you're always excited. Why do you hold it, and poop in your evil little poop hiding spots? Go poop outside, please!
Daddy loves you all, and tonight I will make you all shredded chicken and carrots.
- You should get some of those foam stairs for dogs, and train them to use them. Get a few, one for each accessible side of the bed, two for your couch.
  
  We have ramps up onto the bed for them to get on. But they refuse to use them to get down. :/ Monty, the oldest, will just wait to be picked up unless there's some life threatening danger going (like I get up to go to the bathroom and don't take him with me. Lol). But the girls just superman off the bed no matter what I do. :(

Hey kitties, you're the best. And I love you.
p.s. please stop tearing up the carpet up at the top of the stairs

Please stop barking and lunging at other dogs, I promise you that if there is ever another dog that poses a threat to you, your mother, or myself I will lead the way in kicking the absolute shit out of them and you are welcome to join in if I do. I think you would have an absolute ball if you would just run and play with other dogs, you should give it a chance. You are a Malinois, you are smarter and more athletic than damn near any dog you will ever meet, they are no threat to you. We could go on a lot more hikes and bike rides and adventures to new places if you would just get over your issues with other dogs.
Please let me trim your nails, you don't like when I do it, but you really don't like when the vet tries to do it, so take the easier option, it's also cheaper for us which means more money for us to spend on toys and treats.
Please stay out of the trash.
When I tug on the sheets, you don't need to get out of bed, you just need to let me have some of the sheets. You are always welcome on the bed or on the couch with us, we will even contort ourselves to accommodate you, you just need to let us have some blankets.
I don't think I need to tell her I love her, we can feel the reciprocal love between each other just fine, but any extra time we have I'd make sure that I spent it telling her that.
- The sheet/blanket tug thing is exactly why I now pull my dogs closer to me with one arm while I pull the blanket (a little bit faster) with the other. Then they know it's good to stay

You don’t need to get stressed about thunder and fireworks. You are safe in your home.

I'm so sorry that o stepped on your tail
Thank you for being my friend, no matter what.
Thank you for making me smile, no matter what.
I love you

I'm moving soon, and won't be taking the cat that has lived with me for their entire life, since he is my roommate's cat.
I wish I could sit down and explain to him why he won't see me as much anymore, and that I love him, and will miss him. Also to stop eating every god damn thing he finds on the floor.

My budgie died a few days ago. I miss my baby. I would have let him know how much he meant to me, how he made each and every moment playing with him a wonderful memory and that I will never forget the impact he has had on my life.
Some people don't get how I am so torn up about this, but I love him just as much as you'd love any pet. He means as much to me as your dog or cat does to you.
- Birds are amazing, I'm sorry for your loss.
- My partner also lost their budgie a couple months ago, my condolences. As someone who grew up with dogs (and fostered a cat), I can't understand why some people think birds are any less impactful. They are little bundles of chaos and joy, and they demand space in our hearts.
  And, this may or may not help, but when I lose a pet, it soothes me to remember that I gave them the best life I could, and that the joy they gave me was born of their thanks.

Please let me trim your claws, it doesn’t hurt and you won’t get stuck on carpet or scratch up your face.

Anything you eat that is not directly from me can kill you. Find something you want to eat, and I'll trade you treats for it. No questions asked. Especially other dogs poop. I love you.

Okay so I'm not alone with the I love you talk. That was immediately the first thing that came to mind lol.
I would also teach them what my hand signals mean for future communication after these 5 minutes are over.
- I tell my cats I love them every day. Even the skittish one that hides bc he's scared of everything. I do it in an effort to make him know that I'm always thinking about him. He slow blinks at me in the small percentage of time that I actually do see him, so I figure it's doing something haha
  But damn, that bit about the hand signals after the 5 minutes is over is just brilliant!
- So you treat them with the feeling of superiority that they are 100% sure, you know that they ignore you when they let you do the signal dance over and over again?

"you have cancer and I'm not going to be able to love you as long as I would like"
- Hugs to you. We'll never get long enough, but the time we get makes it worth it. The love you've given them has meant the whole world.

I love you.
- Aww, thanks. I love you too!

There is no need to yodel like a drunk hooligan every time I put you in the transport box - neither the car nor the box ever hurt you, the vet only wants to help you, and screaming your little lungs out won't make any of it go by faster. And please stop trying to eat the fly screen, I'm tired of having to replace it every other month.

Most of the things in this thread about claws, the vet and medication dodo already understands. I'd tell her that I'd want her to have a different meow for when she's in pain and tell me where/what hurts as good as she can. Also that she's my emotional support animal just as much as she is mine, that she changed my life for the better, that I'm happy when she plays and that she is a good kitty and my most important person. She knows the last things but has trouble accepting them, I'd hope telling her with words she understands would help it along.

I love you.
No licking!
Baths are not the enemy.
Stop acting like you're dying when I trim your nails, it's for your own good.
There is nothing to be scared of.
You should try to make dog friends at the park instead of just finding the nearest human who will pet you.
You can have that piece of cheese, I promise there isn't a pill hidden in it this time.
You don't own the sidewalk or the park across the street, it's none of your business if there are other dogs there.
You are the cutest floof in the world, I love you so much.

Please, for the love of God stop trying to eat kleenex
- Generic tissues from here on out!

"When we pat the cushion, that means we want you to jump on the couch and join us. Why don't you understand that universal sign for 'come here'?"

I'll tell them I love them more than anything and that I really wish they'd stop getting into things they aren't supposed to.

For FUCKS SAKE why are you so THEATRICAL about nail trims? It's for your health! While we're at it let me tell you about toothbrushes..
Also probably review emergency disaster plans and tell them I love them lol
- Greyhound?
  
  Diabolically smart longhair tuxedo and a chonky neurodivergent black cat lol

I would teach it various gestures. And ways to communicate back. Might as well establish some things when the 5 minutes is over.
"When I make this hand gesture, it means I would like you to not do the thing you just did. I'm not mad at you, I just don't want you to destroy my things"
"If you need to poop, bump my arm with your nose and stand by the door. No need to bark."
"When I pet you it means I love you."
"Please don't bark when after dark. Humans need to sleep and barking wakes me AND the neighbors up"
Etc.

If you stop acting crazy, barking and behaving like you want to attack other dogs on walks. We can go on more walks because I don't have to try and walk you when there's less people walking dogs.
Also, stop chewing up shit when I leave. I will outlive you, which means I'll always be back pretty soon. Chill.
If she can respond with a head nod or something I'd also be asking about all the weird scars. 2 year old rescue with definite abuse im always curious about. Think someone threw bleach or another harsh chemic on her back.

I love you. I hope I am doing right by you.

I'd talk to my oldest. Talk about the times that we both remember fondest. Tell him I'm going to do everything to make him happy and keep him comfortable. As much as I want to say that I want to work out a signal for when he's ready, that's not how it works. That's not compassion.
Today is the fourth anniversary of my dad's passing. I was blessed to have the time that hospice gave us, to spend last moments, to say goodbye. The grief afterwards has taught me that grief is grief. There's no measuring between types of grief or between people. It hits in unexpected ways and it hurts. The grief of Dad hasn't gone away, it's just gotten easier to carry. The waves of it still crash on my shores, but most days it's more of a tidal wash. I know I'm going to go through another storm when it's time for my oldest, but I know that it will make me a better person to embrace it and work through why it hurts so much, why and how much I love him. Sharing that vulnerability has brought me closer to my friends. Sharing it with others has been (however counterintuitively) self empowering.

I’d say I love you, you’re my whole heart, and I hope I made you even half as happy as you made me.

You get fed every day at the same time. I promise I did not forget. Please stop knocking stuff off the desk in the afternoon and stop jumping on the bed early in the morning, it won't get you fed any faster.

Please stay off the counter, and don't do dumb shit. I don't want to yell at you, but it's hard to not when you look me in the face while ignoring me.
I love you. Always. Even when I'm mad at you for doing dumb shit.
...and probably a bunch of other stuff, bc this isn't nearly even a tight 5

I introduce myself and my friends, tell the pets the rules, teach them a couple of tricks, and remind them their mommy loves them with all her heart.

I love you, but barking the way you do means I have I pay double the amount I'd have to if you just kept it down.
Also, let me touch your feet and butt, I'm not actively trying to harm you, I'm trying to help you!

When I point with my finger at something, look where I point, not at the fucking finger!
Please don’t bite or scratch hard enough to draw blood when we’re playing. I wouldn’t even clip your claws if you were a bit more gentle!
When you want to play, bring a toy to me that you want to play with instead of just roaming the house shouting, ffs.
And of course, I love you and you’re a good cat.

How much I love them, duh lol

I would explain to them what love is and how much I love them. And also why they can't have the food I am eating when it has onions or chocolate or grapes or something else that is poison to them.

So I have 5 minutes to bitch to my cat about her mood swings?
- I cackled.

Stop shitting on the carpet.

Another interesting question is what will be your reaction if in those five minutes your pet say they hate you for no reason
- I have had many pets and currently also live with two feisty forpus parrots. The female sometimes bites me (as every forpus owner will recognize) and i know very well why she does it; i am touching her aviary to clean, or to provide food or toys. It's not that she hates me, but she is incredibly territorial. And i fully respect that, because i understand her. It's not personal at all. She is learning though, nowadays she hardly ever bites anymore and she is starting to inhibit the impulse, for instance if she notices i didn't want to touch her stuff but merely wanted to offer her a treat.
  (But if a pet would tell me they hate me, i would want to know why and fully respect it)
  Btw, i think chances are bigger that a pet would tell us: i'm so bored for a big part of the day, because i can't read or scroll on a phone, rather then tell us they hate us...
  Edited to add: parrots are not really domesticated yet. It's only been a couple of generations since they live in our homes, compared to for instance our dogs.
  
  My dog is old and going deaf and blind. Anytime I leave him he whines, I had to leave him with a friend for about a week to attend a wedding and apparently he whined the entire time. I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of love but I know he doesn't hate me.