If You Were Gonna Hench For Any Comic Book Bad Guy Who?
If You Were Gonna Hench For Any Comic Book Bad Guy Who?
And I'm taking Poison Ivy off the table. Too easy. I think I'd go with The Penguin, mostly cause that just seems like normal crimes.
Dr Doom, easy
He's an important bulwark against US imperialism and his only real character flaw is not being able to get over the girl he liked in college
Most of my job would be trying to get him to move on and get over Sue Storm. He's the leader of a whole country, dude may not get women the way Fidel did but there's gotta be someone for him
I don't know much about the guy and don't really know his politics, I kinda assumed he was opposed to us imperialism in the same way nazi Germany was. I like that you've chosen the job of getting him laid tho. If I wasn't speaking strictly comics, I'd join up with The Mighty Monarch so fast. I'm a sucker for anyone taking great means for petty comeuppances. To quote the man himself "i wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to builda machine to kickhis ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine that would kick his ass! like 21, I can get behind that and would love to help someone with such a project.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
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Yes, and no
Mr. Freeze started off wanting to avenge his wife's death at the hands of one Ferris Boyle
Then it turned out she wasn't dead, just being held hostage by a fake Walt Disney guy
Then the events of Batman and Robin: Sub-Zero happen and Freeze's wife gets some organ transplants and is fine
Then we see the reason why Mr. Freeze didn't go off to live with his wife
His condition was deteriorating and before they could stabilize it, he's left as a head in a jar, so he goes all Final Fantasy villain and wants to destroy everything because his life is fucked
Batman stops him, he spends 50 years in a box, Derek Powers has him cloned into a new body which also begins to deteriorate, Freeze escapes before they can kill him and examine his organs, comes back with new Freeze suit, tries to cause a nuclear reactor to meltdown, he ends up sacrificing himself to help save Batman when Derek Powers tries to kill them both with his new radiation powers
And yeah, that's Mr. Freeze from the Batman: The Animated Series
The comics get weirder
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He's also got all the best one-liners
The Penguin cracks me up because he's basically a funky dude who loves birds and crime and that is the most Hexbear themed villain if I ever heard of one.
Dr. Killinger, you silly Billy
Love iz not meant to be private, it iz meant to be shared. (twirls)
Wilson Fisk doesn't seem like a bad gig. He's semi legit so you probably get health insurance and stuff. Spider man is the easiest guy to fall down for. Like "oh no! my gun has been yanked from my hands and I got tossed into a sticky trampoline stuck in the corner of the room. All I can do is wait for the cops to show up and not be able to make any charges stick."
Not a bad call there
"Sticky trampoline" is going to haunt my nightmares now.
Lex Luthor, mostly because superman would probably take it easy on me compared to some other superheroes.
He's like a venture capitalist though
I'm already a goon for capitalists in real life though so nothing much would change, seems like a pretty solid outcome if you have to become a comic book goon
Poison Ivy, because I have muh free speech
Spoiles ballot
Does the Monarch from Venture Bros. count? Definitely him or his wife Dr. Mrs. The Monarch
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Sabertooth. If not friend, why friend shaped?
I've rewritten headcanon so I could enjoy an unproblematic version of him. His backstory is a lot more interesting than Wolverine's, tortured and ageless, but also visibly a mutant.
Atrocitus. I think I'd definitely end up as a near mindless rage filled monster but he'd let (encourage?) me vomit acidic fire vomit all over Earth billionaires so it might be worth it.
Probably Bane cause you know he gives his henchmen the good performance enhancers
Or Killer Croc if I always want to be on the side with an enormous physical and psychological combat advantage. Like imagine going into the breach and you hear monstrous running footsteps, roars and terrified screams, and you know what's causing them is on your side. You'd feel ten feet tall too
Bane is good, keeps the Americans out of Santa Prisca
Normal Crimes? who'd want to do normal crimes in comicbook land? catch me doing weird pseudo-mythology magic crimes and getting tied by wonder woman henching for Cheetah
I'm scared of getting killed by lasers
who'd want to do normal crimes in comicbook land?
me. I want to wear a flat cap over my "haven't shaved in 3 days" stubble with a baseball bat and just go around smashing shit and menacing people before getting my ass kicked by some dork in spandex with superpowers
For a cause I could support? Flag-Smasher
For funsies? Mr. Freeze
Always wanted a freeze ray
Was there any Aeon Flux comics? 'Cause Trevor in that show was sort of marxist-leninist at times and Aeon was basically an anarchist ultra.
Edit: Dark Horse has some Aeon Flux comics. Excellent.
That show rocks so hard
The Mighty Monarch!
Great choice.
I'm hoping one day there will be a venture bros comic if not more seasons.
I'm really looking forward to the penguin show
Anarky
MeThe freakin Jonkler
I'm taking Poison Ivy off the table.
noooooooMagneto then ig I'm trans so I'm basically a mutant anyway
Probably Galactus cause he'd probably make me a herald like Silver surfer with lots of galactic powers; if it has to be confined to Earth, then most likely Lex Luthor for the employment benefits, and if I'm feeling anti-imperialist, either Doctor doom or Black Adam (cause DC and Marvel heroes need to stop being servants of empire and leave foreign nations alone)
What's the screening process for being a silver surfer type galacrua scout?
Well, for one, can you surface?
Dr doom, normal government paper pushing
Yeah, this'd be my go to. Why deal with all the other bs when you could have a stable public sector job?
Magneto, but he's not a bad guy.
Second choice maybe... Taskmaster? He doesn't do really terrible things, he has decent powers and doesn't seem to draw the ire of folks like Punisher.
I bet taskmaster's gym benefits are amazing.
Magneto. Dr. Doom is a very close second place, but I've always had a deeper kinship with Magneto
Rhas 'al Gul. He's the accelerationist option, plus I get to be a cool ninja
(disclaimer I'm talking about Liam Neeson Rhas, I know almost nothing about his comic book counterpart)
I don't read much in the way of comics and have an extremely limited knowledge of their villains but...
Since All Roads exists I can pick Benny from FO:NV, right?
Pros:
- All you're expected to do is lounge around a casino and say things like, "ring-a ding ding, baby." and "I ain't no fink, you dig." Which is a bit of a lighter workload than hauling boxes in a warehouse/dock while waiting to be beat up by batman. Some of them perform on stage but thankfully that seems to be optional.
Cons:
-
With all the bright lights, loud noises and people, a casino would probably be the worst place for me to spend any significant amount of time. I could probably angle for a gig guarding one of the quieter bits though.
-
I get a bit of a misogynist vibe from the Chairmen.
Doctor Octopus
I don't know if this guy hires goons or anything, but I get the impression he's really hands on with the gooning. While some may find that a source of stress, (the boss will see your fuck ups first hand), I think it'd be reassuring to know that the spandex twats are gonna be angling for his dick not yours so you're relatively safe for a goon.
Too late, I areadly work for Ivy. You can see me in hit docu-drama "Harely Quinn" portraying myself.
the flag smashers
Non grim-dark version of Riddler.
Like, outside of a few heavies for personal bodyguards what's the rest of his henchpersons gonna be doing?
Riddler's gimmick is pretty much scavenger hunts and escape rooms right? So what... set design, location scout, plumbing and electrical, carpentry, general construction, craft services for the work crews... After the clues have been hidden and the trap/escape room completed you get your paycheck and fuck off.
You watch TV or read the newspapers about the Riddler's scheme, go work some gig work until the Riddler breaks out of Arkham and needs folks to help with the next scavenger hunt/escape/trap room.
Probably gots lots funny stories and jokes and puns to keep things fun during break time.
GOOD choice
