How's your week going, Beehaw?

Hey, that's not Alyaza! (ik they're probably busy with other stuff ty wallet for making this)

Tried to unalive myself two weeks ago, since then I've just been on autopilot. Last week we changed out our core switches at work. What was supposed to be a 2-hour late-night jam ended up a) getting delayed by several hours because our ER had a last-minute critical patient come in, and b) turning into a fucking 25-hour slog of our firewall deciding it was sick of our BS and taking down literally everything with it. Between that extra-long shift and my being kept up for 30 hours in an ER the previous week, my sleep schedule is absolutely toast.

Started off pride month practically in heat. Spent the last few days having a bunch of gay sex. Emotions be going wild, not sure what's up. I feel kinda all over the place lately. Maybe I need a day to myself to introspect? Honestly not sure.

Bad. Rent is going up so I have to leave town. Probably not going to school anywhere near as soon as I planned because I don't foresee being able to cut hours anytime soon.

I don't even want to do all this capitalist bullshit, but I also wish I'd done it years ago so I could be stable now.

weekend before last was a two-day agility/rally training event for the dogs. they all did wonderfully! didn't manage to get a good video of loki, but i got a few of the others.

• jean: agility
• echo: agility — her first full course!
• echo: rally obedience — her first go at this sport!

we also took the dogs trailer camping this past weekend, which they (and we) enjoyed.

Going well enough, I suppose. Made some new acquaintances and had a good time at the farmers market on Saturday. Hoping some others remember they took a card and reach out to us. There's still plenty to do, though, and there's a countdown running in the back of my mind until my time gets stretched even thinner.

For now, at least, I am done with the scramble to get things done for market and into the scramble to get things done when not at market.

Not good, as usual. My poor sweet cat is suffering and I don't have the money or resources or ability to do anything about it. I'm tired of being useless because of my disabilities and I'm tired of being so burned out and in pure survival mode all the time. I wish I had the energy/functioning/mental bandwidth to put some words down about what's actually going on. If anyone wants to send some good vibes or thoughts or prayers or whatever in the direction of my sweet kitty Ziggy and I, I'd appreciate it. She deserves so much better.

I'm onto borrowing a bunch of sci-fi movies (like Blade Runner) from the library after realizing that it carries them!

And I'm thinking of giving in and posting in /r/cf4cf, finally... not sure of what the equivalent community might be in the Lemmiverse...

Not great! What was supposed to be a regular biweekly update with my team lead turned into me hearing I'm being let go. The company is dissolving my position. Apparently because they believe everything I did to set up data pipelines and structures is so solid they just need someone to maintain it now (which will be a third party).

I definitely saw myself working there for a few years, now I'm back to looking for a job after just 1 year. Feels unfair and all the 'it's not personal, we love you as a colleague' is definitely not helping at all.

At least I won't have to come out to them which I was dreading... I'll just introduce myself with new pronouns at the next job ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Back to the LinkedIn hellscape it is

Edit: forgot to mention that the worst part of this to me is definitely this week where we're still discussing details/severance etc. and I can't tell my direct colleagues yet. So here I am pretending everything is fine and I'm not actually super depressed about it until I can finally tell them next Tuesday.

I am done with my exams for one-year predatory course for engineering and civil engineering. I got my grade for the physics exam yesterday and will be getting my grade for the mathematics exam on Friday the 21st of June or the Monday following.

Finished with university until September now, and have most of my grades for this year back (still waiting on one module). Having mixed feelings about the grades, because I know objectively that they're excellent, yet I still feel like I could have done better. I still got better grades than everyone else. I will acknowledge the two may be connected: when you constantly feel like you could be doing better, you push yourself harder. Even so, I did learn a ridiculous amount this year, and produced some work I'm really proud of.

The end outcome of this is, of course, that I'm exhausted, yet simultaneously having trouble slowing down. Having been pushing at full speed ahead for many months, I'm now feeling weirded out by not having any assignments to do or deadlines to meet. If I had to summarise what my brain is doing right now, it would be:

??????

There is also tangible relief to be away from... that guy. I can't remember if I posted about it at the time but basically he got caught lying about his part of the group project, namely that he had finished it when he had not even started it. So with 24 hours before the deadline, we essentially kicked him off the team and I did his section of the project. A week's worth of work packed into a single evening. Because he's using his neurodiversity as an excuse for not doing anything for half the year, they're probably going to be reluctant to kick him out... but that's a problem for next September. For now, I'm just going to enjoy not having to deal with the useless, arrogant prick for a few months.

It's okay. Had another dream where my mom inexplicably comes back from the dead. She even joked about how we'd have to reevaluate how we think of the situation. It's wild how going back to sleep before my alarm can just ruin the rest of my week. There's a lump in my throat that just won't go away. I feel guilty writing these thoughts out, hell I'm tearing up now because I know so many other people have real problems and there's this fucking election, and my wife's work is so much more difficult than mine and I haven't a leg to complain upon.

poem

I wish

to beat my fists against this desk

until they are bruised and bloody

for that is something

I may yet control

Thank you for allowing me to vent. Much love to you all.

1st day of summer break! Aiming for a good balance of relaxation and productivity, as there are things I need to get done this week. So far it's working out.

Not awesome.

Dad's in the hospital for the umpteenth time.

Kid brother died yesterday morning, and even better, may have inadvertently hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. (Though, objectively, that seems like a decent way to go, truly.)

not so bad

Saving up. Getting a summer job has been harder than expected, especially since I thought I'd have my job over the summer... But I know it's not the end of the world either. Just a little bummed out. Maybe I can still find something but I'm not holding my breath— at least I have a bit of money coming in from a design commission and selling off a phone.

Still reading. Picked up the book Haroun and the Sea of Stories. Studying and searching for UI and graphic design internships to take in the fall. Been practicing chess daily. (Not great at it but it's fun.) Practicing driving. (Which is a whole other story I could get into...)

But right now I feel slow and antsy. I'm hoping something in life turns around soon... Atmosphere in my house feels too heavy. It's a sleepy and hot summer.

slow

I'm sooooo close to getting a week off work. Just trying to hang in there. It's funny how a persons focus wavers when they know a break is coming.

I have been making some small progress with my youtube/livestream channel. I'm up to 54 subscribers, which feels like I've moved at a snails pace since September. But I'm picking up some steam, in the past while so that's super cool. I think my videos are bad lol but given the amount of time I can actually work on stuff during the week, I think I'm actually doing alright. I'm hoping that eventually, I'm able to find a solid direction of where I want to take my videos. But for now I just want to make stuff that is fun/ that can make people happy in even just a small way

Still slogging through the last two weeks of school. (Still don't understand why this community college has to start and end like a month later than everybody else.) Just have to finish two more math assignments and write two papers (one of which is minimum 7 pages) and then I'm free and clear to start speed summering during the 5-week window where my summer break and my siblings' actually overlap. Ugh.

On the plus side, though, my Framework laptop is coming in the mail tomorrow, and I'm super excited for that. I've always been a huge fan of open source and repairability and being able to take things apart, see how they work, and make them do something different, so I'm a huge believer in what the Framework company is doing. Plus the one I ordered is fully kitted out and massively overspecced (do I need 7TB of storage or 32GB of RAM? No, but why not get them anyway?) and unlike my current laptop I'm actually going to be able to game on it! Looking forward to playing Cyberpunk 2077 at more than 20 frames per second with every graphical option turned all the way down! (Gotta love that iGPU life...)

Another thing I'm super excited for is the Open Sauce convention this weekend! I was there last year, saw a bunch of cool gadgets people had built, and got autographs from a few of my favorite YouTubers in the technology space, and that was super cool! Really looking forward to going again and seeing even more cool stuff and getting an autograph from Technology Connections which was the one I really wanted last year but couldn't get.

Got back from vacation yesterday. Today, the Blue Angels are practicing for their show (exhibition? Not really sure what they call it). Super fun to get to watch them play in the sky all day.