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If the us government bans asbestos what else will I wipe my ass with?

Toilet paper is expensive. Asbestos is the same color as toilet paper and you can clean it by throwing it in the fireplace. This means it can be used as reusable toilet paper. Try using cloth instead of toilet paper and you're stuck with shit stains.

The asbestos ban is a result of lobbying efforts by Big Toilet Paper change my mind.

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