11mo ago

Fellow auties, which do you find is a better and healthier fit for you: dating another autistic person or an NT?

I'm really confused about this. On one hand (✋), I can see how dating an autistic person would be amazing because we would just understand each other on another level. We would get each other's emotions, meltdowns, joy, special interests, hyperfocus, communication style, etc. Also, there's no NT partner to miss whatever NT thing we don't bring to the relationship.

On the other hand (🤚), we definitely have some deficiencies that NTs don't. Having an NT can help us regulate, keep us updated on social matters that we completely miss, take care of a baby that's wailing crying, and other strengths that we just don't have, while at the same time, we contribute with our own strengths that they don't have.

NTs, please feel free to contribute! Your opinion and experiences are important too 🙂

I'd love to see a discussion on this topic. So what do you think?

27 comments

Yeah, here's the thing about dating another neurodivergent person: their needs may be exactly what your boundaries are. For example, someone who is completely touch averse pairing with someone who is touch seeking and rejection sensitive. And since they're not trying to be malicious but both of you are more or less intractable because you can only change or compromise on your needs through heavy and painful masking, it can be disastrous.
Also, neurodivergent people can be more ableist than allistic due to how they've internalized criticism and taught themselves to mask.
Now this is all situational and a neurotypical person can be the same way, which is why I say it really doesn't matter if you date a neurodivergent person or a neurotypical person. It's about finding a partner that can empathize and respects you.

I've tried to date fellow autistics, and it has never gone well. My longest lasting relationships have all been with other neurodivergent people, but all of whom have different issues. There's something to be said for the closeness of having neurodivergences that are divergent.

I would advise against choosing a date based on wether their autistic or not unless their is a clear pattern of one not working out.
Everyone is still different, there are emotionally deep neurotypicals and neurodivergents with an opposite emotional existence.
That said, me and my partner do both have a diagnosis and I couldn’t see it be any other way.

I married my wife and later we were talking (she knew I was autistic and she has ADHD) and realized she’s probably on the spectrum too, just in different ways than I
To be honest, it works out well, since our characteristics are complementary. Whether that’s down to being neurodivergent or not, I can’t say.
My ex I dated for 5 years before that had ADHD too, now that I think about it…. And my best friend realized he’s autistic last year, and we’ve been friends over a decade… Maybe neurodivergent attracts neurodivergent?

Let me put it this way. I've been with my husband for 20 years now and back then we both thought we were NT. By now we both know we're not 😂

If I may ask a related question, how important is neurotype compared to other things?
The double empathy problem is indeed a thing, but I wonder if it trumps other relationship needs.
Sure, you can both be autistic, but if you have no interests in common and just don't meet each other's relationship needs, then it likely isn't going to work.
And maybe it doesn't matter if two people don't share a neurotype if they understand each other and can work around each other's quirks. Supposedly there's a number of NT people that find info-dumping "cute".
- I dated a NT who loved my rants. This was before I got my diagnosis. they're out there and I'd agree it's more about compatibility - just keep living your life and see who you come across :)

You're rolling the dice either way. I can see the relatability being potentially higher with another autist, but there's also the possibility that your stim is their meltdown trigger (or the other way around). Honestly, it's just a matter of finding someone that complements you & appreciates your quirks, regardless of whether they're NT or ND.

I believe I've only ever dated NTs up to this point, but I know plenty ND people. It's a mixed bag. Everyone will bring something different to the table and you just have to find something that meshes well with you. Some of my ND friends I would not fathom living with, let alone a romantic relationship, but same could be said for some NTs.
Someone who is understanding of you and respectful of your needs (and you theirs) is what a healthy relationship demands, that is not exclusive to NT or ND. Some people may jive better or have weaknesses covered by someone of the opposite, or of the same.

I just recently got my first gf, and she's NT (or at least, she's not Autistic; I think she may be undiagnosed ADHD). Finding an NT who was accepting of me was difficult, but I think it was the better option. I was definitely open to the idea of dating another autist, but ultimately I tend to have kinda a low tolerance for the mannerisms of people who don't mask as well as I do, so it would have to have been someone on the same exact part of the spectrum as me, which is hard to find.

I'm resigned to being single till I die. But I think either option has its pros and cons. End of the day though if you love someone and they love you it's possible to work through stuff if you communicate.

I don't think either are a good indicator of whether a relationship will work out or not. Each person is different and I've had good and bad relationships with normies and aspies alike.

I didn't realize I was ND for the longest time, until my doctor brought it up.
I dated quite a few ND folks of different flavors. Some of them I thought were NT but later got a diagnosis.
I am friends with NT people, but I just tend to gravitate towards ND romantically. I don't even think I consciously do it. It's a lot easier to be myself around folks that just "get it" I suppose.
My current partner (ND) and I can play off of each other's strengths. Our shortcomings are not symmetrical at all so we can manage quite well. An example is that I am very organized. I can make sure nothing falls through the cracks. My partner is quite disorganized, but is really good at focusing on tiny minute details of her current task and pulling together something amazing.
I do like hearing from my NT friends and we do sometimes discuss things like current events and things that have happened around us. We like discussing the things that we got and the things we missed. But romantically? I'm not sure if that is for me. Special interests? Missed cues? Weird things I'm particular about? My NT friends can handle that in small doses from me, but I'm not sure they could handle it full time.

I'm currently dating someone who is not diagnosed with something but is definitely not neurotypical. I only dated one person before when I was 16 and that didn't really go well, we didn't talk much I don't know how it worked really. That first relationship was with a neurotypical person

I would probably not go back to dating NTs except if very reflected and also an autistic ally. Being with an autistic person can be infuriating at times but the level of „you just understand“ is wayyyy different from anything else. Tbf, I‘m married and we‘re together for almost a decade now so emotional maturity has def changed a lot.
The amount of internalized ableism you have to overcome with anyone who isnt at least hyper aware of autism is no joke though. Maybe possible for a „lifer“ so to speak, so someone who knew of their diagnosis all their life but def not fun for me who is quite late diagnosed and needs to learn to be themselves.
P.S.: of yourse it is you again… ;)

Ive never dated anyone whos been diagnosed with anything, but I am certainly attracted to quirky people. The last long term relationship was a bit of a train wreck, and I suspect there was some autism there, but she was only ever diagnosed with anxiety, although her cousin, who her family said was just like her, was eventually diagnosed as autistic. We had very different levels of emotional maturity though and that caused a lot of problems, especially around conflict resolution. I suspect she had a personality disorder in tow.
I think you should just assess each person individually and not really screen for divergence. Most people arent going to open with 'hi im autistic' anyway, and you could end up doing yourself a disservice worrying about if they fit with you on paper verses just finding out if you fit together organically.

Dang your dating, im too socially aqward too. I had a chat with a nice girl my age at the store the other day and gave her my number. And i honestly felt like i stood out like a sore thumb. I ended the interation with giving her my phone number. She didnt message me for 2 days and i felt like i did a shit job at talking to her. She eventually did and we talked, she got a bf :/. I am ND high fuctioning btw and im still happy to have her as a freind.
How do you guys get the courage to talk to people, im so aqward and i feel like i suck at talking to people i dont know.
Aswell as i have thought about if a ND would be good to have as a partner. I personally think that would work out great (assuming shes not too crazy) because. I dont mean this in the wrong way, but alot NT dont understand what its like to be ND and the challages that come with that.
- I'm not dating anything. I was fantasizing about it and thought that if maybe an opportunity came along, I could engage or disengage...or I don't know. I'm just trying to make a game plan here. This loneliness crap is getting old.
  
  You and me same brother

I met my bf before I even suspected (and eventually diagnosed) as autistic. Now, he is likely to also be on the spectrum and a third party who has some expertise in this also agrees. I was attracted to him because he's kind and gentle and patient (also physically attractive too) and didn't fit into a 'bloke' stereotype (he's very emotional and not afraid to show this)
I was attracted to him because he was happy being himself.
I think i have an autistic radar where I'll make friendships with other neurodiverse people, because I feel more comfortable with 'my people'
Now personality and spectrum wise we are dissimilar, I'm more logical and spock-like and crap at communicating (I'd probably be happy being semi verbal for the rest of my life), he's all emotional, and talks and can handle people better.
Sensory wise I don't like hugs, noises, the sun, fairground rides, I love perfumes and smells...he loves hugs, hates smells, loves sitting out in the sun really loves fairground rides....you get the idea
Our autism presents very differently and I struggle dealing with him at times and he does with me....I didn't consciously think I want to have an autistic partner in life, we clash often, but we also come together and can stragegise our way through difficult people and situations using both our strengths
He pushes me (not in a bad way) to step outside my comfort zone so I do get to experience more things in life, and I do enjoy the fact that he can be very silly, and do odd things that make me laugh
I don't think any relationship is easy, and a double autistic or NT/autistic and NT/NT relationships all have their unique issues and difficulties. I just think that having someone who loves and cares for you, not matter how stressed/meltdowned/shutdowned you are, and is patient enough not to be angry or demanding, or controlling, and just cares for you despite your own weird brain acting the way it does....
Apologies for any word salad, and a wordy comment 😀

As long as they have executive function enough for both of us, I think it could work out.

My spouse is NT, which has been great as we complement each other.
Most of my friends are on the spectrum though, because we have a similar range of interests and tolerance for social interaction.

I got the furthest with other autistic people, although that still have its caveats. My touch needs annoy NTs, let alone touch avoidant autistic people.

it does genuinely depend on the people involved. as much as ND's love to go "ugh, neurotypicals" (myself included) a lot of the stuff we rant about isn't specifically definative of NT.
in my experience, i have struggled mostly with people who could not imagine anything outside of their own personal experience, to the extent of disbelieving those other experiences exist.
i don't wish a partner like that for any autist. no matter how much they "love" you and want to "help" you. that is hell. that is death.
but a NT who acknowledges and accepts different inner experiences, and may even be curious about them, could make an amazing partner. they may not instinctively understand right away, but they will believe you. i think that's a fundamental prerequisite that a lot of NTs lack because they encounter more people who are like them than people who aren't.
like, i get when you meet 99 people who think the temperature in the room is incredibly pleasant, you might be baffled by the 1 person who is in sensory hell. but many people lack the imagination to think that person is legitimately uncomfortable, and instead think they want attention or something.
NDs are usually the odd ones out and so tend to encounter more people who are different than the same. and so it may be categorically easier to understand that people experience the world differently than us because that is kind of the main social issue we face most days our entire life.

I have dated several ADHD people without many issues. And NTs I have dated tend to love my quirky autistic tendencies. But fellow autistic people? I have a really hard time even maintaining friendships with them. I've never found one whose wavelength was harmonic with mine. I don't know what it is, but I just don't have an easy time communicating with other auties.

@BackOnMyBS I end up with other people who need someone who is extremely observant of boundaries and is willing to break down communication step by step to avoid misunderstandings. I can't really make it work with people who need a system of emotional outbursts and misunderstandings and reconciliation without clarity.

My wife is ADHD, and I'm Autistic. I think we balence out each other, though we did have a funny experiance one time where someone (A doctor at a hospital I was at) asked her if she was autistic too, and my wife said, "No, why do you ask?" And the Dr said, "Well they tend to find each other". I did date one other person before her, and she was on the spectrum, and honestly, it didn't work very well, because we did not solve each others meltdowns, and when we did, it tended to go badly. On the upside, her ADHD lets her focus on everything that needs to be done at once, while my focus lets me remind her what she was doing, then she reminds me of all the things I didn't do yet, that didn't even cross my mind, such as breakfast, or meds. I get asked the tough questions sometimes even like "Have you had water today?", "Have you eaten?"
Diversity is good for each other I think.

27 comments