Aliens decide to communicate with us

UN: "Boy, they really like using Star Trek memes to convey their thoughts...."
- All the Me clones: Sokath, his eyes opened.
  
  Riker: 🍆 💦
- Turns out Star Trek was just a retelling of actual intergalactic life
  Aliens: Who the hell told them all this stuff ... I don't look like that? ... My ass isn't that fat ... Is it?
  
  "These beings have documented a perfect understanding of warp core, matter transmission, and matter replication technologies, yet they refuse to actually use any them and are stuck on a single planet fighting wars over limited resources."

Well as someone with ADHD, depression, and anxiety, as well as being on the spectrum, initially we'd be kinda screwed. I have spent a lot of time in therapy and have done a lot to manage it all, as well as developing empathy for myself and others, so not so bad.
However, I choose to be a non-theistic Satanist and an anarchist, so a lot of other people are going to be fucked. Especially those that deserve no empathy due to their hoarding of resources and exploitation of people and the planet.
- Could you elaborate on the Satanist part? It's the first time I encounter that specific term.
  
  I met a member. And he explained to me that they are pretty much atheists but from the point of the law they enjoy religious protections.
  Basically if you call yourself atheist, you won't get any religious protections, because you don't have any religion. Everyone knows that FSM is a joke, so that wouldn't fly either. So they created a religion. They chose Satan, to get expected reaction from devoted Christians, they don't believe in Satan though (unlike wackos from the Church of Satan). You can read their 7 tenets, which sound quite reasonable: https://thesatanictemple.com/blogs/the-satanic-temple-tenets/there-are-seven-fundamental-tenets
  
  They might mean this: https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/about-us
- I'll gladly take aliens trying to cure me of an ADHD and depression i don't have if they can also cure us of religions and capitalism.
  More importantly you going to therapy and improving yourself the way you described it, that in itself is sincerely the best exemple we can show an alien, ever.
  
  Intergalactic Therapy Industrial Complex rubbing their hands
- Seems i am going to be just fine after all.
  Seriously though how did you write something so personal and yet described my life so well.
  Like the only difference is that you are a non theist satanist anarchist. While i am an agnostic spiritual anarchist having Jesus (but not god) as an example of a good.
- I like that it takes becoming satanic to develop a civilized view of the world. Rather I like how completely we have twisted the world with TOTAL BULLSHIT that people feel the need to claim a force for ultimate evil is what makes them want to make the world a fairer, less shitty place.
- Your mental state does explain your political beliefs.

Well, there'll be a lot less billionaires pretty quickly, from there it's gonna be a lot of references to star trek, doctor who, dead philosophers and general southernisms.
- lol .... aliens arrive in 1960s era London police boxes to try to not alarm us as they make first contact
  Aliens first message: ... I say my good man, it's quite a coincidence to find you in this part of the galaxy. I feel pecked by a hundred chickens, fuller than a tick on a big dog and fine as frog hair and not half as slick to greet you on this fair morning under god's blue sky.
  
  ... I think I'm in love with you.

Humanity is screwed.
They like being alone, don’t like loud noises, will find a reason to leave a situation with more than 3 people in a small area. They don’t have any sexual desire and will be most happy to go through life without ever having intercourse. Probably going to go extinct without outside intervention thanks to that, better intervene to preserve the species.
They want to hibernate when it’s cold outside. Cold = anything below 70f.
They’re herbivores though so at least they don’t destroy their planet by mass farming the cruelest and most inefficient food source possible. Silver lining?
- Excellent source of creating a slave race? ... to build that interplanetary space gun to destroy XMH3003 and those stupid Morkahons

Human population is very empathetic, but very kinky.
- Aliens: ..... this one has a bright red ball strapped to their mouth ... I suppose it's a requirement for all of them

Humans only want to masturbate, sleep and play board games. Sounds great
- I'm in

They're just gonna be commenting on Lemmy all day. Threat averted.
- Yes. You are everywhere.
  
  Because I'm actually an entire race of aliens desperately trying to make contact with humans.

I'm literally autistic and I can barely even talk to people anymore, so I imagine it'll be a gigantic disaster.
- right but they're psychic so you can actually communicate at a real rate instead of tripping over your meat trumpet like a fucking animal all the time
  
  Oh okay, so all they're going to hear about humanity is all the weird math shit I've been watching YouTube lectures on lately 😆.

At one point in my job I was effectively the translator between English speaking Indian software devs, and American project managers. If I can translate technical information into something understandable to a PM, and vague program specs into actionable technical requirements for the devs I think we’d actually be alright with the aliens.

I'm autistic. So they'd be very confused with most people I think
- I, for one, would welcome our nuwu owoverlords.
  
  The way the world is going ..... uwu makes more and more sense every day
- There's a lot of autistic people in this thread
  
  There's a lot of autistic people on lemmy I think

I think it'd go great.
I feel like they'd be horrified, and conquer our planet and force us all into therapy, but think they'd see us as worth helping

“Why do these aliens keep making stupid, unfunny jokes”?

Can't leave the flying saucer without having triple checked it's locked.
- Yeah, that's an anxiety issue as far as I know. Have (had) the same problem. I mannage that with some lite antidepressants.
  
  Glad you have overcome it. Started when I saw a report on TV where they mentioned that not only high value cars are stolen but also VW Golf type cars. Last year I purchased a battery powered GPS tracker with a 4G module so I can always track where my car is. Made it much better.

“Hmm, it looks like these humans really like ‘tentacle hentai’… we could use this to our advantage”

Intergalactic diplomacy will play out in World of Warcraft.
- humans haven’t been invited to the Galactic Federation yet due to having too low a gear score

Humanity shall receive the gift of estrogen!

Hey, the aliens want to communicate through a sarcastic misanthrope... well, I can't say I'd blame them.
- Aliens randomly picking people ... nope, nope, nah, nope, nope, nuh-uh, nah, nope, nope....... Wait a minute!!?? ..... they're all mentally unwell!!!!

Well... it could be worse... you should all thank them they didn't pick my sister.

I guess we're good. :)

Let’s just say the overpopulation issue will be thoroughly resolved
- Mein Führer?
  
  Nah, just your average misanthrope
  
  nah they'd take one look inside that guy's mind and go "well fuck this species"

Not bad. Couple of you fucks would be ackacked into non-existence but 99.997% of you would be alright.
- You make it sound like you have a fervent hatred for ~250,000 people.
  I'm intrigued...
  
  Dude must have a grudge against Samoa or something. That or he wants to distribute some wealth and zap all the billionaires and anyone close to being one.
  
  Don't act like the quality of humanity couldn't be dramatically improved by eliminating the 250,000 worst of us.
  Rapists, murderers, evil billionaires, corrupt politicians, shitty bosses, manipulative assholes and general dickheads of all races, creed, and gender, honestly 250,000 may not be enough but it would be a good start.

I'll try my best.

I am pedantic to a fault, capable of simultaneously being the most specific and most vague person you will ever speak with, and have the social skills of a carrot. I am also debilitatingly ADHD, reasonably autistic, and more intelligent than is able to produce an emotionally functional adult.
I will leave it up to you all on if you want me to be the model, but I'd be happy to if it were up to me.

In one sense? Very, very much. I hope y'all like tentacles. In another sense, the complete opposite of screwed. I hope y'all like free healthcare.
- Also, mommydommes. With tentacles.

Screwed!
But this is not a very good/logical/reasonable alien to be in contact with. There are so many ...ists with can call this alien. Generalization with sample of one? Pfff... They won't even get here...

As someone with d.i.d. it all comes down to which personality they take.

I think u re asking on the wrong platform.

That LOTR scene comes to mind when Frodo offers the ring to Elf Queen...

Bro I'm autistic and have adhd and have been traumatized by everyday life as well as unfiltered access to the internet.
The first thing I'm telling them to do is glass the planet with me on it.

Human population can't focus, stand still, or remember worth shit for longer than 5 minutes.

Wrong question. If they picked me, you ought to ask how screwed the aliens are...

Good news. We would most likely be okay. Depending on the alien.

Show them my tinyverse
- That's good they'll think it's the norm... And we can seduce their female (if they exist).

It'd be weird at least. A bunch of borderline suicidal people doing psychedelics and bringing each other ice water when someone coughs.

Not too bad. At least we'll have English and Russian solved right off the bat.

I have cryptolalia.
I don't even think they can make a language model off of me.

Theyll turn us all into furries

Why do the aliens think we are giant weebs that are obsessed with our infrastructure?

If I don't recognize the phone number, I'm not picking up the phone.

- "I'm actually genetically pretty rad"
  How so? Strong bones? Tolerance to disease?
  
  Probably short for irradiated. Gotta get that RadAway immediately!

We aren't. Maybe we dead because of my unending bickering about the futility of life, but screwed? Nah.

I actually think we'd be pretty solid. I'm a decent guy and with decent as a minimum we could go really far.

Doomed, like with any other human. Good thing good close Jesus as a base model. And then he incarnated himself as Jesus in order for him to have the perfect base model to see humankind through. Merry Christmas.

"They weigh an average of 100 of their kilograms, and subsist on a diet made up entirely of vegetable-derived matter. Their political opinions are all based as hell, and they fucking love fire trucks. 7/7 Florgles, we should open a line of communication with their leaders immediately"

they will be very racist.