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Autism @lemmy.world
ZILtoid1991 @lemmy.world
vent

My annual feeling of extreme loneliness due to lack of romantic relationships and my absolute hopelessness of getting one have begun

At the age of 34, being extremely socially reclusive, and being autistic myself, I don't really think I have any chance of getting a relationship. I also have issues with staying attached to neurotypical/non-autistic people, people that drink alcohol regularly (I was raised by an alcoholic grandmother, you probably can put the two together), also I'm disabled in other ways too, etc.

A lot of people often like to say "ace/aro/demi people just too disappointed/have too high standards". Here I am being so disappointed and probably having way too high standards, yet I still vow for a romantic relationship, and thus often feel lonely from it.

14 comments

  • I wish we could have a dating service for neurodiverse folks that somehow wouldn't be a privacy nightmare or a honeypot tool for abusing us.

    • Or generally a non-corpo platform where you don't have to give private details you don't want, trust e2ee chat privacy and most importantly don't have to please an algorithm.
      \ If some neurodiverse prefer to stick to others which are similar, a good filter-system would be cool.

      Now drifting into fantasy: peek would be a P2P system, where every member has a set of own attributes and attributes (and logical combinations of them) they seek. I think with the right crypto-math it would be possible that everyone can broadcast their set of preferences, the receiver can check if they match without seeing what the preferred attributes are. This would enable maximum privacy and still yield high accuracy.

    • Maybe someone could make a foss dating app?

      • I think there was already such a thing (or as a website). Biggest problem is getting enough people onto the platform to make it useful (while keeping weirdos and trolls out during initial scaling).

  • I was in a similar situation. Don't give up.

  • You're in a "place" where you have time to think about relationships. That's a positive in that you're thinking about them and want one. You don't get relationships, you end up in them. And they don't have to start in person or in public. Find a way to connect to local people, even Facebook could help with that but there are probably better options than Facebook.

    I have an NT friend from long ago that was between relationships. I was asking what he was looking for. The answer is one I hold onto. "Someone normal. Ya know, fucked up like me." When I think about it, there's no magical "the one", well not 99.99% of the time. But there are normal folks like me that I like talking with, playing games with, doing things with. And they're not perfect, they're fucked up like me. And sometimes someone will look at you like that. Poof, relationship.

  • i feel you! though not for relationships, in fact it's principally discouraged (i moved off the website and met my long-distance girlfriend here however) the open-source "chat with random people" website mero.chat is a curated space for all people that are lonely!

    explicit awareness and pro-active curation has fostered a really wonderful community. i highly encourage you to chat with some people on mero.chat and just see if you feel less lonely =)

    that's the good part of my comment. the bad part is i felt like you did for years, it's alot and i feel you. there's guaranteed to be people just like you feeling just as isolated- so glad to see you post about this because of that!

  • I have BPD to deal with and that makes it even more complicated. In addition to all the same things you mention (reclusive, socially distant/awkward, aversion to drinkers, etc) I also have to deal with becoming too obsessive and burning out on a person even if I like them. I have a tendency to fall in love at first sight and then slowly sour on the relationship and feel trapped. It's a tightrope and I have no balance. 😩

  • Not sure if this will help but here's my take.

    I'm 38 and ace, and I was in a very similar place. Over time, my close friends found their partners, and I ended up feeling even more alone.

    I believed I had to earn a healthy relationship. I thought I needed to get physically fit, pay off my debt, and become "worthy" enough. Thankfully, I found a good therapist who helped me step away from that mindset. Personal goals are valuable, but the truth was that I would probably never feel good enough if I kept tying my worth to achievements.

    At the same time, I was in an aro-ace relationship with someone who was financially abusing me. That situation was a major factor holding me back.

    In the end, the root of many of my struggles was self-hate. It took about a year of therapy to start correcting that. I’m still working on self-compassion, as well as my financial and physical well-being. But I’m now dating someone in a similar situation, and I’m genuinely happy.

    So if you’re open to advice, here’s mine: focus on building self-compassion. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved.

14 comments