crushing it

so true
Healthy Gamer GG made a video about how to manipulate/ration the tiny amount of dopamine we start the morning with. it's helped me several times so far.
i think this is the one https://youtu.be/6CWq8wyS90o

I have been on a roll lately, wondering when I will crash out. It's soon, my sleep is messed up again lol.

I aced the first 3 months at a new job, even got a raise and I was complimented that if everyone was like me the business would be on a whole another level.
...aaand at that point I had learned most of what was new and interesting and now all that's left is routine tasks -- and I'm dying. It got so boring so fast that my brain switched into serious dissociation and depression. I could just sit back and enjoy the easy job and get paid but no. Suddenly it's a struggle to finish just a simple email. Fuck this.
- I learnt early that I needed a new job every year or I go from top performer to bottom of the scoreboard. It seems to work for me.
- That's why I like my labor job. Interesting or not, it engages the hyper bit so I can just keep moving the whole time
  
  I was diagnosed at 39 while working for the company I'm currently with. At the time I was a welder. Since then I've been promoted into the office.
  I had NO IDEA how much that physical job was helping me to control my stupid brane.
- I was once like you. Until started optimising performance. There's always a better way.

I had a rough night, unable to sleep, kept up by my failures and lack of productivity haunting me. Was up literally all night. That morning was probably the most clear headed I'd been, got a bunch of shit done while just utterly exhausted. What the fuck brain.
- Me fucking too!

Not only that but the comments I get when I finally have a productive day. "See, I knew you could do it! Why don't you just do this every day?"
It's like training for a marathon, finally running said marathon and having people blame you for not just running a full marathon every day in the first place. Clearly you can, so why don't you?
- Except you did the marathon in a world record time, and almost every other time you attempted it, you couldn’t get halfway through at a walking pace.
  
  Also if you don't complete the marathon every day then you get kicked out of your home and die in the streets.
  
  Accurate, lol
- This might make me sound kind of shitty, and I don’t care, but I lie about my productivity.
  Can’t harness the ADHD superpowers for a project that has a 4-month timeline until the last two weeks, then bang it all out to perfection in a frenzied mania?
  Every status update is ‘I’m making steady progress. I have x, y and x done, but I’m having struggles with this part of it, etc.” I don’t lie or misrepresent the actual state of my progress, but I do downplay how much work I get done while riding the rocket of ADHD productivity. And I also play up how much work I do while I’m stuck trying to squeeze some dopamine from the rocks in my head.
  If I bang out a project early, I guesstimate what should be done when, and reveal those parts at status updates along the way.
  Sure - I still know that I’m inconsistent, and perhaps not living up to my actual potential in every situation, but I also know that I can outperform everyone I work with when the fire has me. So rather than show the gaps, I mask and don’t deal with the guilt.
  Personal belief - work is about value extraction from you. If you show that you’re not maximally providing value at all times, you could be subject to judgement. So, show that you’re working steadily and avoid the judgement.
  In other words: Set the expectation and roll with that expectation. But let the ADHDemon loose a month before evaluations come due. Your boss forgets too, but the demon likes raises and will definitely give you dopamine for that prospect.
  
  It sucks that you have to do that, but I know people who manage projects just want progress to come in on a steady drip feed. Hopefully some day you'll get a decent manager who can understand your work style and roll with it though, or maybe get to the point of setting your own destiny!
- Expectations are one of the biggest pitfalls for me. Whether they be mine, a friend/family member, a work manager, coworker, or sometimes others. It gets to me and can make me feel very frustrated and/or overwhelmed.
  It's been a loooonnnngggg journey for me to better understand that this is one of my triggers and how to best prevent it and work with it when it happens. (It's not pretty at times but showing up to fight the good fight is better than cowering to it IMO.)

It sucks when I finally do accomplish something I've been trying to get done for so long and I get 0 satisfaction out of it. Just the thought "I should've been able to do this better"
- Just the thought "I should've been able to do this better"
  That, or "there's twenty other things that still need to be done." Or, ya know, both. No feelings of progress, no satisfaction, just another step forward on the hamster wheel.
  For anyone out there that can't relate to this, I'm glad. I hope it stays that way.

Even though there is a LOT more to a person than productivity and that can never be the thing that defines us, I'm going to focus exclusively on that because that's what this post is about.
I had one of those days today. Absolutely awesome. I almost had no meetings and the software changes kept coming in. I nailed it. I'm still on a rush, I feel unstoppable!
However yesterday, I came home and I was almost crying to my partner because I couldn't take the laundry off the rack and I felt useless.
But hey, so is the life of ADHDers. I accept it. Yesterday it took me a while to get out of that emotional state. I knew that rationally I'm not a useless person and I have a good handle on my life. However emotionally it was way harder. It took me a lot of processing to synthesise that knowledge into feelings.
So I know the rational part, and I lean on that and on a very understanding, loving partner (who is also neurodivergent) who helps me stay grounded when I panic. Our productivity is not constant. That is fine - on average, there's nothing wrong with our output!

I always forget to be proud of - or even acknowledge - my achievements 😩
- It's so hard when all you see around you is incomplete imperfection.

Give yourself permission to be unproductive. Life is about more than busting your ass.

Dont worry, that inconsistency will haunt you through out your entire professional life and probably personal life too. You can expect to be pulled into constant meetings about your Performance, communication, and consistency.
The best days will be when your manager talks to you about that consistency, only to have your partner hit you with the same types of complaints.
- I'd like to offer a reframe that's been helpful to me, if I may.
  The inconsistency will haunt you throughout your entire life, but only if you let it. Learning how to embrace and understand my emotions (instead of controlling [or suppressing] them) has been incredibly worthwhile to me. Therapy is a good avenue for this, but I understand it's both expensive and not yet fully accepted by American culture. I also recommend the book The Tao of Fully Feeling, and here's an excerpt: https://www.pete-walker.com/taoFullyFeeling.htm
- Do you also get
  “You do such great work, and you go so deep on everything. But you need to work on finishing that last 5-10% of a project, it always takes you so long”
  
  I'm not sure I have ever finished anything.

You can be productive every day - if you are a robot.
But you are a human being, not a machine.

I feel this and as time goes by I feel those good days come less and less often.

I so identify with this. Today and second half of yesterday were crushing it days. Wish I could keep it going