Trans Megathread for the Week of 2025-01-06 to 2025-01-12 - Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
Trans Megathread for the Week of 2025-01-06 to 2025-01-12 - Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
Children of Time is a 2015 science fiction novel by Adrian Tchaikovsky.
In the distant future, humanity seeks to create new habitats for itself on distant planets, terraforming them and seeding them with life. Dr. Avrana Kern is heading one such project, orbiting the tentatively named "Kern's World", where the plan is to release monkeys 
infected with a nanovirus that will accelerate their evolution. Through an act of sabotage from an anti-technology group that has also destroyed much of Earth, the monkeys are never released, and the virus instead infects a species of spider, Portia labiata. The book follows the evolution of the spiders and their eventual civilisation, as well as a remnant of humanity that fled to Kern's World hoping to find paradise.
also children of ruin and children of memory, the sequels, are really good
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silly but positive, kinda gender euphoria
I still only play games on my old 360 lol but I updated my avatar awhile ago and it's stupid but it really made me happy
The old one was my awkward teenage egg self
Now I have tits and a MJOLNIR helmet that matches my Reach Spartan and it's sick imho
Boobs are growing again. Also probably more important than size for me is that they're getting a lot rounder and less awkwardly shaped
lewd, junk
þussy (thussy, they/them b/pussy)
that is all
I am God’s eepiest uppy
i hate microsoft if you didn't know cw: dysphoria
me: searching Microsoft Teams for a message.
Teams: includes "[deadname] (You) - message" in the results, despite my name being changed in the system and legally for 3 months.yes, thank you microsoft for giving us pronoun flairs, that only me and like one enby in the company even use lol, but could you not deadname me? you are valued at 3.16 trillion USD and you can't amend (or can't be fucked amending) my name within a system you have almost complete control of. sometimes i see my deadname email flicker before being replaced with my new one and i can understand why they might have my old email but why are you storing my deadname???? is my legal name just a display name??
i'm soooo fucking glad microsoft successfully abused their market power to eradicate slack and make us use this steaming pile of bland corpo dogshit. i throw up a little everytime i hear that fucking teams ping, i reaaaally want to quit just because of our dependence on this repugnant company
i know this comes off a bit trivial, i'm privileged to have an office job. but it gives off the same vibe as my birth certificate having "previously known as [deadname]", both constant reminders that i'll never be just me but me who used to be someone else and that shit sucks
sad, misgendering, deadnaming, family shit
call one relative I'm out to on the phone to catch up and vent because she was concerned and knows I've been struggling lately
deadnamed and misgendered like 6 times and talked over repeatedly
I don't know why I bothered tbh
She's "the good one" and the rest of the family would probably be worse if I ever bother to come out to them
I think the best idea is to just work on myself and my transition and maybe someday show up to something like nothing happened and act like they're weird for not recognizing me and then act really confused when they try calling me my deadname
At least I have cats
CW: Extreme depression, dysphoria
My brain is screaming out in agony tonight. I was watching GDQ and a lot of donations started to come in about how trans folks families were so accepting and supportive. What a stark difference between them and myself where I lost literally everyone except for my mother. I even lost my fucking husband. It's so painful. I'm so happy others had it better than me, but gods it's killing me on the inside and I just want to cry. It hurts so much. Sometimes I wish I wasn't trans and this is one of those moments. I fucking hate everything right now.
I crave dog and catgirl literature so I think I might get back into reading unjust depths.
Winder if there is Unjust depths lesbian fanart....
mental health, social isolation sad shit, avpd probably
I really gotta get my shit together mentally and get over my "what if it doesn't go well" woe is me bullshit and reach out to my old best friend who might be the (platonic?) love of my life or soulmate or something
I miss this person so fucking much and have for years now and at some point when shit got really bad for me when covid got serious here, I just completely shut down and isolated and retreated inward mentally and have just started tiptoeing back to being "myself" but I've thought of this friend pretty much constantly since then and I know reconnecting with them would be like, the single best thing I could do for myself but it's still so scary and daunting after all this time
I thought by now I'd finally be, like, me, fully, and could reconnect as a better version of the person they loved, but I feel more weird and fucked up and unhappy with myself now than I did when we were super close irl and part of what's been preventing me from reaching back out is that feeling of shame
I wish I could be better at the very least so they could feel better about me instead of being concerned or upset at what a mess I am
Idk sorry I'm really emotional tonight
really funny imo but genital mention, kinda dysphoria related
Lmao YouTube thinks I'm in the sales demographic for "yoni eggs"
Like sorry bud, I don't think I'm in the market for magic woo woo pussy rocks for several reasons but uh thanks for thinking I'm a woman, algorithm?
I still love the smell of cigarettes, including on people, not so much when making out it gets a lil gross lol. But the smell is nice
IDK why but I always feel really weepy after laser sessions. I think it's physically unpleasant, but it also makes me immanently aware of my facial hair in a way I rarely am. But the results are sooo worth it! My family is distantly from the Mediterranean and I have had a full beard since 18. I wish I would have finished during my first run at laser, but I am committed to staying the course this time.
Richard and Mortimer was quite good for it's run, I especially like when one half of the titular characters turned themselves into a pickle. Had the series continued perhaps that scallywag Richard could have transformed some more possibly into a woman, they might have finally been happy. Alas with the cancellation by the Woke Council with the show's association with the Ronald McDonald corporation we shall never see this possibility.
every single person who's ever protested the building of new homes because it'll lower house prices should have their house confiscated and given to someone who doesn't suck
Hexbear, Cool signet ring ideas?
Dreamt I was on the moon and I really needed to piss but didn't 😩
sorry boss i can't come in to work today. my wife is holding my arm hostage while she sleeps. yeah idk i'll be in next week maybe. i expect full pay for this
So it turns out my sperm is totally poggers. I think I'm just gonna have to do the whole thing including the extra legwork to get FDA clearance in case it needs to be used with a surrogate. It'll cost like 1k up front and then "no more than 400/yr" for storage
I just hate hate hate hate taking options away from myself, there is no worse feeling for me than realizing I can't do or have something because of a stupid decision I made in the past
Got really drunk on saturday and finally came out to my irl friend group chat. Waking up not remembering doing that was "fun". This is also the second time I've gotten way too drunk and came out (first time was almost ten years ago when I came out to them at a party as bisexual)
Would not recommend it.
internalized transphobia relating to age
In my coming out message I put in my chosen name and for the first two days afterwards, I thought that maybe I wasn't ready to do that.
On analyzing that feeling I'm realizing that it might just be attatched to my internalized shame about coming out at my age and feeling that this whole thing, this whole experience, is a kid/teen/young adult thing. Like thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to be physically ill. I actually gag when I think about it, out of shame or embarrassment.
I think I need to talk to more older trans people.
CW: Depression, dysphoria
I have been so godsdamned depressed the last few days that is stemming from some extreme dysphoria that I've been feeling with. And yes, regardless of after having had top and bottom surgery, I am capable of becoming dysphoric. I don't feel genuine. I feel fake. Without having had those experiences I missed on growing up, I feel that I will always be on the outside looking in regardless of what I do. I always see these ciswomen whose experiences I could never emulate and it just kills me on the inside. Yay. I have a vagina, I have breasts, but I'll never have those experiences. It depresses the hell out of me and it is draining the will to live out of me. I hate it so much. Couple that with feeling of not being capable of fitting in with any trans communities for a multitude of reasons. Further couple that with the crushing depression that's on and off since my divorce and I just fucking hate life right now. yay
New year (and more specifically I returned home from visiting fam) and... I guess I gotta live again, and by that I mean do productive things (not that visiting fam was bad- it was wonderful, helped my mom cook a lot and just connected with siblings idk) and get my life on track as well as to a point where I could actually have some sort of notion of self worth.
I guess tomorrow and onwards will be the turning point (or it won't, but it has to be). I guess today wasn't so bad either in terms of doing some things for myself. Ought to leverage my siblings (sis could also use help really) for assistance in keeping up motivation (or having any) I guess.
Today I had a weird dream, I basically almost never dream (or at least don't remember them) but in this dream let's just say I looked somewhat different in the mirror and wasn't dysphoric and was going
even in the dream. Sucks to have to wake up from that tbh, optimistic ish but don't trust myself to see it through properly. I guess I also just have severe issues of self-doubt and self-sabotage historically, been thinking of that lately (well always)I.. I dunno, compared to previous times I'm more defeated, not running on fumes and hot air as much as before and more.. wise(?) I guess, while trying to pick myself up. But I know myself and tbh the honest truth is I just kinda have a really messed up (limbic system, lack of self worth and motivation, learned helplessness etc). How am I supposed to trust that?
Blahaj (bootleg) acquired.
Really hoping I pass enough for my sister’s wedding
Musicals have been associated with queer culture for a long time, but I don't feel that they really hold that much space in trans communities? I've seen people here talk about musicals but no more or less than non-queer folks.
Is this right? Like, I feel like our cultural touchstones are pretty different.
introspection on libido/sexuality, sex stuff (not explicit), a bit sad. looking for advice.
over the last year and a half or so, my sex drive has been mostly very low. i don't really feel sexual attraction to other people like i used to. i have long-term depression and it's something i've always struggled with, but much more intense the last couple of years. i hardly feel like a sexual being. i'm on 200mg prog and i only get horny once or twice a month, i get myself off and enjoy it. i've been considering that i may fit into the ace spectrum, but this is an idea i've been struggling to accept. i want to feel sexual attraction. i want to feel like a sexual being. but it's felt totally muted for a while now. there are other aspects than physiological, i definitely have some catholic brainworms and shit about sex. but i can't help but feel like the main factor is HRT, as my sex drive and proclivity for sexual attraction has seemed to gradually dwindle over the past few years. i was really excited to get on prog because of the mythical horny but it didn't really happen. i'm also on CPA and already halved my prescribed dose to no avail. T levels are still on the floor so maybe i could try reducing that even further.
what i'd like to ask is, does anyone have any advice on combating this? i feel like maybe eating better and exercising might help, i'm NEET and really depressed and sedentary so that's probably a factor too. i guess if anyone has gone through something similar and managed to rediscover the horny i'd love to hear about it. like i used to fuck loads in my first year and a half or so of transition and i loved it. i wanna go back to that. but it feels almost like a different person now. idk.
there's something primal about tinkering with electronics that keeps me working in embedded software even though I've grown to dislike low level programming
Got some neat stuff thrifting
Kinda wish I could post pics because some of the clothes are really cute imo and I actually found stuff that (mostly) fit me
Found some nice gym stuff too, got a pair of fancy tech wear sweatpants that make my legs and
look good 
Got some cute plushies my cats have been enjoying too and a street hockey stick for playing cat hockey in the house and that's been fun
Bless whatever tall/large femme donated the shiny windbreaker and hoodie with the faux fur hood lining and sleeve cuffs, think it might be my favorite dysphoria hoodie now despite it being a little short on the torso and sleeves
Might hem it to a crop top or elbow length sleeves and wear it as a summer night kinda layer later but it's really cute imo in a "sporty goth (queer)" kinda way and I'm kinda in love with it
internalized transphobia
Every time I go outside and see a cis woman my age I become jealous and sad. I feel so inferior to them. They're born with the right body, while I have to spend a huge amount of time, effort and money in order to change mine. I have to be on HRT for the rest of my life, do voice training and go through several major surgeries, and even then there's no guarantee that cis people will perceive me as a woman.
And will I ever feel like a real woman? Even if I reach the point where I fully pass, that won't change the fact that I've spent several decades living as the wrong gender, and that I'll never have periods or the ability to give birth
cw bodily fluids, advice wanted
ok, so, i'm losing my mind here. for like as long as i can remember, every time i go to brush my teeth, i gag on the damn toothpaste or brush. but lately, its getting really bad. this morning, i literally puked up a bunch of water (and maybe my meds that i just took??) i had just drank and just now at night i nearly lost my supper. i've been having trouble eating as-is for various reasons so i think its understandable that i'm frustrated at trying to keep food down and maintain dental hygiene.
wtf, chat? like, what do i even do about this? has anyone run into this before? i'm not like jamming anything on my tongue back there, so i don't know why - i've given up trying to brush my tongue at this point due to this.
dysphoria
I hate talking. Hearing my disgusting, horrible voice. I wish I could cry but I can't.
I don't know if this makes sense
might be worth mentioning I'm autisticbut I've always been very auditory. I've always liked audiobooks, so many good voices. I distinctly remember hating some of their voices and being unable to listen to the book. I'm very sensitive to "bad" noise. I don't really know what other examples to give... I just really love a good voice. The biggest thing I remember about puberty was my voice changing and not liking it. Telling myself I'd grow into it. I never will.So now I have to torment myself with voice training. Focusing on my voice is so painful. I know it won't get better unless I do it. It hurts so much though. Its horrible. If voice training even fixes it.
I'm so sad about it. I really can't express it.
Was looking for a PCP now that I am off the student health plan and working as a post-doc, and I got lucky. The one PCP that's accepting clients at the closest (good) in-network clinic notes an interest/specialty in LGBTQ+ primary care. I don't know if I need to switch my GAC from Planned Parenthood, but it does make me hopeful that they won't be in the dark or bigoted about trans health care.
EDIT: Well, that PCP isn't available until June, and in fact it doesn't seem like any PCP is available in the clinic system to establish care until April, when I will probably be moving out of town. So fuck me I guess. Looks like I will be relying on urgent care for health issues then.
Had to remind an ex that we will remain exes for the foreseeable future, that sucks.
Just paid my semester's tuition and... I have more money than I thought I would, I've got an entire extra month's rent compared to what I expected and then some more to cover all my books. I'm starting to feel actually kind of okay being independent? A lot of the worry about if I'd be able to be okay is gone now, replaced, admittedly by other worries, but I feel okay about my situation, even if it's not super secure or the most comfortable, its become livable. Especially since the past few weeks finally gave me my first real break in over a year and I was able to rest a little.
i have the irresistible urge to be gay AND to do crime... i wonder what that's about
spoiler
dysmorphia
Oh God I reeeeealllly hate the way I look so much. I got a look at my side profile today and I just hate the way I look, I can't believe I appear to other people like this. I have way too much fat on my face, my neck is too wide so my face just looks like a blob. I'm also overweight and just fucking hate the way my body looks
I've finally started to recover. Still have a cough, throat still feels weird, but my energy is coming back.
Dyed my hair red. It was pretty red, but then I washed it, and it came out a bit more purple-red. Thought this was because I had dyed purple a but ago (it was really faded), but then I realized that the color-preserving conditioner that came with the purple dye might actually have purple dye in it. Color looks really cool though, almost exactly what I had originally expected.
Got a metallic blue nail polish that by itself looks pretty great but I'm no longer content with just one polish so I added another glitter polish on top of it. Thing with glitter polish I feel is that it should really be labeled as more a top coat than anything, imagining just applying the glitter polish on my nails would be pretty underwhelming.
just received a physical copy of our megathread feature so i can actually finish it. realizing my ADHD isn't too friendly with audiobooks so excited to finally finish it!
s*x
I went to a dance class with my partner last night and as it was getting near the end they whispered in my ear, "How about we continue this with just the two of us and more tongue?"
Then we went back to my place and we made love for two hours and I even got a little
time. I'm feeling exhausted in the best way right now.why is olympic swimming pool a measurement people use. all i know is they're big. i've never swum in one
I love you all so much. Thank you for helping me be my best self and finding true happiness 💕💕💕
chat
CHAT
between these two guitars which would you buy
https://www.epiphone.com/en-US/p/Electric-Guitar/EPI8U8980/Tobacco-Burst
I'm drawn to the LPJ for the (idea of its) simplicity, but on paper the Gretsch would be more versatile, also I like the look a bit more
fwiw I have a squier stat with 3 single coils in the typical strat config, but I like using the bridge only most often, which is why I feel like even tough the gretsch would be more versatile, the LPJ would still suit me fine
Bunch of fashion blathering
I thought puffy head bands were the ultimate head feminizer but i have discovered barettes and ohhhh my it's so lovely.
I got a light blue dress for myself and I have just been rolling in euphoria. Today is my 6 month HRT anniversary and it's only getting stronger as i figure out more feminine combos.
It's a little weird being so old and transitioning directly into an old lady I sort of worry about not dressing my age. I don't act weird or anything though when i go out (beyond the regular autism and adhd and bipolar stuff i reckon) so im trying to be a good ambassador. My bffs say im not overdoing it 🤞🏻
One thing that is very difficult is how much trouble it is keeping nice clothes clean!!! I have had to rescue my new dress twice already, once from au jus splashing onto the hem and just this morning from leaning against the car bumper while getting groceries. You have to be sooooo careful at all times which i find tough as i was a slob who didn't give any fucks about myself or my appearance before.
It's so worth it when a girl compliments your dress or your outfit or makeup though i treasure that shit sooo much. I joked with my partner (who is not into it but being nice) about detransitioning and she said that she didn't believe I could if I wanted to. She said I have a woman's heart and there's no putting that genie back in the bottle. She is right of course.
Happy jan 6 everybody! I'm gonna be smoking weed and practicing martial arts on the porch to celebrate.
bad mental health, meltdown, alcohol
Kinda snapped last night and had a little violent meltdown and feel bad about it and embarrassed by how fucking juvenile and pathetic it was
I don't even really remember what triggered it
I ate some dinner and got drunk but not like, sloppy drunk and it was all pretty normal and like the next thing I knew something in me kinda snapped and I was out in the garage beating the shit out of a spare door that's propped up against the shelves out there absolutely raging and yelling
Bruised my hand pretty bad but I don't think I broke anything thankfully but jfc
Gonna commit to no booze now, that's never really happened to me before, I've always been more of either a "aww I love you" drunk or a maudlin kinda ruminating drunk, never an angry one and that kinda scared the shit out of me
Like, how long was that building up for? How much more shit like that is just lurking in the back of my head festering? (I know I'm a big gymrat but for the record, no, I'm not on gear, so it's not roid rage)
Idk, fuck
This shit sucks ass
I'm way too old for feeling like a ridiculous angsty teenager
so i was walking through the house earlier when i noticed that one board that my parents insist on keeping which tracks how tall me and my siblings were through time with the little marks and the date of when the mark was kept? out of curiosity I went and I checked my height as it stands now and... I've apparently lost about half an inch since I was 17. God I guess I wasn't going crazy, I do feel faintly just a bit shorter since starting HRT. It's totally possible it might just be normal aging things but I think it might be true, HRT does make you shrink a little
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
Eco* (1/6 (The Darkest Day in Our Democracy.) - 1/12) Yukiko (1/13 - 1/19) oscardejarjayes* (1/20 - 1/26) SwitchyandWitchy* (1/27 - 2/2) SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (2/3 - 2/9) AshenWolf* (2/10 - 2/16) GayTuckerCarlson* (2/17 - 2/23) EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
grabbed a copy of this book thanks for the rec Eco! Very engaging right off the bat!
edit: a couple chapters in and loving it
so cold
I am become waomboymoder, eater of garlic
Aurora (one of our system members) wrote a thing: Sternenlied
I love the Children of trilogy, it's the closest that I've ever seen hard sf get to that Star Trek IDIC ethos.
Already asked this in the other mega and got a response (thanks @Eco@hexbear.net!) but I wanted to see if I could get some more recs.
If I wanted to get into reading yuri, what would I start with?
only downside was resisting the urge to bunnyhop everywhere to save time 
One of them wants to form a big cuddle pile with all your trans cuties and make animal noises
