Trans Megathread for the Week of December 30th, 2024 to January 5, 2025 - The Summer Hikaru Died
Trans Megathread for the Week of December 30th, 2024 to January 5, 2025 - The Summer Hikaru Died
Here's to a new year! Here's my first mega try (also first time posting in a while due to reasons) but heya! Admittedly struggled a fair bit with self doubt and anxiety on this one as put it off for a while/other things caught up with me but I figure I'll be glad I did it once I've done it. It's kinda being done last minute though, so admittedly there's that...
I'd been intending to make the mega about something else originally when I signed up, but that would require more time on my part (and I just binge read this recently, so it all works out). Anyways, my subject of the week is The Summer Hikaru Died; it's a queer (BL) horror manga which is currently also scheduled for anime release next year (2025).
Content warnings naturally follow and further details will be spoilered.
CONTENT WARNINGS
Grief, body horror and (very debatably IMO) mild gore, supernatural horror (ghosts/"impurities", otherworldly entities), death I suppose though that one's a given
Premise
The titular Hikaru went for a walk in the woods, died, and something came back wearing his body, something that doesn't quite know how to be human or mortal; "Hikaru" returned, to ensure that his best friend, Yoshiki, would not be lonely. Romantic tension (and tension of a less pleasant kind) ensues.
The plot/things I like about it thus far (light spoilers)
Yoshiki and "Hikaru" have an absolutely great dynamic- their relationship may not be fully healthy, but their intentions seem to both be in the right place, as are their deep feelings (Yoshiki's for Hikaru and increasingly for "Hikaru," and Hikaru and "Hikaru's" own true feelings) and honesty in this regard, despite the latter "Hikaru" being effectively an imposter of sorts. (it's complicated, but these are increasingly distinguished separately and I really like that process as well)
"Hikaru" is, while not quite a blank slate, extremely new to the concept of even just "being" in the sense that mortal creatures and individual organisms(?) do. They've had to learn (and Yoshiki has had to confront them about) the value and significance of life and death; they've increasingly established boundaries, and they approach the world with a liveliness and curiousity that is really cute (the original Hikaru was also lively FWIW, but "Hikaru" is experiencing everything anew even if they retain the memories).
Yoshiki, on the other hand, is both grappling with his grief and loss of Hikaru, while finding comfort (and discomfort alike) in his imposter, and in guiding them through a new world or state of being. He's finding his resolve and moral/ethical backbone interacting with "Hikaru" (very blue-and-orange morality dynamics, though they're learning), he's experiencing what could be described as a rocky but determined romance and queer experimentation at the same time "Hikaru" is being introduced to notions of attraction and desire (beyond instinctual desire to consume).
Their pairing in so many ways should not work (or rather would be usually destined for a tragic end). From the start, there have been several points where by all means it should have met such an end. But their determination and willingness to meet the other where they're at and gradually be understanding with the other is both fascinating and something I'd feel optimistic for (and interested in seeing play out further).
Anyways, I should cut myself short at this (and make sure to have something properly written beforehand for next time). But anyways, thus far it's a strong recommend (if you feel alright with the content warnings) from me.
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Aw man I think @Cromalin@hexbear.net recommended me this manga but now I can't yap to her abt it...
the manga
So I like the Sakaomi Yuzaki food manga pretty okay, I mean it's decent, the leads are fine and it's low and slow, it's chill. It even has a few jokes that are actually funny. But then
Oh yeah?
Is that so? Look at that, my japanese mangas are getting "woke". They even have PRONOUNS now:
Just like me, fr fr.
Woah, it even has Beautiful Girltwink?!? With fluffy lil gay hair?? (I have a type, involving short fluffy hair and glasses) Waow, incredible technology...
and a CW for eating disorder stuff. Damn
I'm pretty pleased after digging in a few chapters deep, happy to have my expectations proven wrong. Asexual Lesbians Manga
EDIT:
Isn't there something satisfying about ladies appropriating a tradition focused on hetero folks? As lesbians, I mean!
Wow, Yako-san... also this is why Lesbian is also a gender. But uh, yeah, for sure
I was an enthusiastic user of the term "wife" right? Straights think they can have their sanctity of marriage, well too fuckin bad! I dunno how much of that I actually want, though. A lot of het traditions I find weird or unpleasant. Part of me wants our own, special, debauched, original traditions to have. Idk.gushing
i am not sick anymore!!!!! and um i got to hang out with my gf again for the first time in a while and was so nice :3
things i learned transitioning #81237: so not only do a lot of women's clothes just look a lot nicer too a lot of them are actually really fucking comfortable too? So not only are cardigans super fucking cozy but calf boots are the most unexpectedly comfortable thing I've ever worn. I didn't expect my calves basically getting a hug to be so nice but it really is
Estrogen has been making me a yearny mess this past month starting it. I've been more bi than ever, and it's felt pretty nice. Almost like I'm a teenager again lol
Someone console me. It's too slippery outside to go for a walk ππππππ. Why has god forsaken me?
There is a decent amount of evidence to suggest that Jesse Pinkman is a transgender man
He's called Jesse (a gender ambiguous, but typically feminine name) PINKman (as of to highlight his conscious choice in gender presentation; he does not harbor toxic masculinity in thinking that pink emasculates him). He wears baggy clothing even when weather inappropriate due to gender dysphoria. He is on shaky conditions with his parents who clearly don't accept him, but his little brother does.
Due to a lack of parental support, he had to start cooking meth to make ends meet, and also learned to make DIY HRT with his chemistry skills. He dates Jane, who is also trans (obviously). Most people are supportive of him, except for Mike, who is transphobic (you are not the guy).
Jesse Pinkman is trans, this is one transillion percent true and canon
Grog spend too much time looking at cave painting. Grog should touch rock
been on potato youtube again. these tubertubers need to be stopped
incredibly nsfw, absolute filth, there ought to be a law
Actually no, that's way too dirty to post, don't subject people to that.I will say though, seriously, even if you don't have any terms for your body that you like, (which is very understandable honestly) you should internally jettison all the bad and nasty and cisnormative terms from your brain. It helps, the difference is startling.
On the one hand this shouldn't be surprising at all - like, of course automatically referring to myself and my body with terms in the framework of "man" is deeply unpleasant, right? But it takes a long time to dig that shit out, so I hadn't really. My internal monologue and thought processes would just kinda stop whenever certain subjects came up... but now it's like Well, my brain is so much goddamn happier not selecting from a vocabulary of terms that pigeonholes my body as "male". Seriously, thank fuck!
I know not everyone puts that much stock into terminology, and if the standard issue terms work then don't let anyone stop you brandishing them. If you find things distressing the way I did though, you should consider some alternatives.
(Yes I know this is like the fifth time I post about this, but the good vibes from it continue to surprise me)
Weird balance of feeling from my top surgery from a month and a half ago. My left boob is numb and my right boob is overly sensitive, but only to pain. >:|
On Nihilism
For all the nihilism haters and lovers (and people who donβt know much about it): hereβs my nuanced take as someone whoβs grappled with it too much.
Knowledge is possible. It is difficult to have solid conceptual understandings of reality because language is a conditioned social phenomenon that imprecisely attempts to reflect a reality that is always moving. Yet we know reality by experiencing it. Though memories may change we truly know this real experiential moment and form useful assumptions as to what to do within it. We can form those assumptions socially, expanding beyond what we know from our own experience.
Human values are not a science. Reality is infinitely complex and there are infinite perspectives on it, so we cannot find context-independent maxims for how people should act. Still, we know generally that all beings seek to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Yes it doesnβt matter because we will all die and pleasure is fleeting, but generally it feels nice to help ourselves and others feel better. There are skillful and unskillful ways to do so, and we are alive now so we might is well do what we can to make life more tolerable to the best of our abilities.
Beyond morals, what is βthe pointβ of this life? That is an inherently flawed question because nature has no teleology. Chuds will take this and say they need to have as many kids as possible. It is an odd linguistic conception thought to follow from the cultural belief that all should be done for god. But god is dead, right?
Purposes can be more or less grand but they are generally socially imposed and offered. There are ideas about perfect lifestyles and families, secular and religious that people strive for. They may not question it, but most are oriented to certain social and personal goals and values. These have the power to enhance oneβs life or increase oneβs suffering.
A Christian may be a happy saint, led by their morals to help people. They could be miserable constantly worrying about going to hell. They could do horrible things in the name of their values. Someone may take joy in their care for body, or may be constantly fearful that they are not doing enough. Generally it feels better to run toward good things than away from bad ones.
There are also philosophical answers that can be comforting in how to live oneβs βmeaninglessβ life. Living it to the fullest and embracing suffering as if you will live the same life repeatedly forever (Nietzsche). Finding wonder in how odd things are and choosing your own goals to arbitrarily follow in spite (Camus). Surrendering occasionally to the infinite in acceptance of your own limits in a true (not superficial) religious fashion (Nishitani). There are also of course literary perspectives.
Most people who βsuccumb to nihilismβ in the west default to either embracing misery and a lack of agency or simple hedonism. The former is not fun and not necessarily implied by nihilism. You will die anyway whether you live your life to the fullest or not. Thus you are free. Capitalist consumer society tends to ingrain in people the underlying assumption that pleasing oneself is the greatest good and the value system of satisfying immediate urges is all that is left when we realize all else is meaningless. Although, there is an inherent tendency to try to become satisfied in all humans, self-gratification meets its end in the hedonic treadmill and is ultimately rather unskillful. We can skillfully go about seeking ease, including with the use of semi-arbitrary value systems.
It is my opinion that nihilism - dwelling in the lack of objective certainty in many things taken for granted - has great destructive as well as constructive possibilities. Many do not have the chance to assess things in this way, and one going through it can learn a lot from it and come out a greater understanding of the limitations of their experience and knowledge, and a thoughtful path forward in considering what one values. Just like how facing death can help one appreciate life.
Nihilism is not something that must obliterated in whatever fashion. Itβs an emotion that can be processed well or not.
We lefties generally say believe what you will but we have a project of preserving and enhancing human and non-human life in a certain non-hierarchical way that intends to relieve material suffering and give access to greater, not alienated but purposeful, joy and satisfaction. Going through phases of nihilism can enhance our ability to understand our relationships to each other and to truth that can allow us to organize collectively to achieve our aims.
spoiler
@Wendy_Pleakley@hexbear.net @Thallo@hexbear.net @Yukiko@hexbear.net @imogen_underscore@hexbear.net whatcha think
ate like 8 fistful of spinach just now, made the face and everythingdysphoria, self care, body hair
Been putting it off but gonna try the Nair creme I got after awhile neglecting myself and will let you all know how it goes
(I'm a deeply cursed big gay baby with super sensitive skin but also ridiculous hirsute Mediterranean genes)
Hopefully it goes well, if not, I hope to provide valuable data to trans science
i think that if ur trans and someone misgenders u u should be able 2 fucking kazuma kiryu heat action them
dysphoria but positive? Transition goals?? Alcohol/tobacco mention
The enby duality of realizing what you actually want is to be, like, futch gymrat BjΓΆrk (in the "Venus as a Boy" vid)/Carrie-Anne Moss(in The Matrix)/Annie Lennox("Sweet Dreams are Made of This" vid)/Motoko Kusanagi (Stand Alone Complex look), but also a little bit of Tom Waits wearing the little kid devil Halloween costume and the red high heels smoking a cig drinking whiskey in the "I Don't Wanna Grow Up" music video
π π
Anyways, I'm really fucking gay
W-women p-pretty
But also men handsome
I'm pan maxing RN and so goddamn thirsty it's painful
I just wanna be pureeeee
back at my apartment with my stuffed animals, if only for the weekend
Hello my lovelies! It's been a MINUTE since my last post, and I have been SO DAMN BUSY. All good things, though. So I guess it's STORY TIME, short story long;
I got sober in September. For real this time. I used to smoke crack and shoot dope. I haven't done that in over two years but I just COULD NOT SHAKE alcohol. I'm a genetic alcoholic, big time. What that means is my brain makes its own opiates when I drink. So when I drink, I don't want to get fucked up. I just want a sip. It took me a long time to figure that out. 10 years actually, it's been 10 years since my first interaction with addiction treatment and I finally got it. Feels pretty good.
Anyhow, since my judgement wasn't clouded for the first time in my life, I was able to honestly evaluate my relationship with my family and HOLY SHIT ARE THEY SICK. Both parents and two sisters check ALL THE BOXES for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They're FUCKED UP PIECES OF SHIT. Thats what us in AA like to call a miracle. I was able to see something that I was blind to my entire life. No one could have showed it to me but God. Anyhow, I called the pigs on them and reported them as domestic abusers and got my skinny bitch ass outta there so eat shit fuckers.
I'm back in the city, the most radical neighborhood in Amerikkka (if you know you know) amongst my people! THE QUEERS AND COMMIES
I took a Shahada so I'm officially a Muslim now. It's so cool. The dudes who run the smoke shops in my neighborhood are Houthi, so I've been hanging with them and they're COOL AS FUCK. Real recognizes real.
Oh yeah, last thing; I found out my Grandfather was involved in Real IRA activities during the troubles. I don't know EXACTLY what he did, but I'm pretty sure he was INSTRUMENTAL in getting arms back to the old country during the Troubles. He got out of the life around the time I was born, and my name was changed after the Good Friday agreement to keep the feds off my back. My birth name is as Irish Republican as it gets- I cant tell you what it is for opsec reasons but I can tell you what it means, and if you want to do the research to figure it out that's on you;
I AM THE FIRST MARTYR FROM THE BOG.
How about that? I'm REAL IRA. Nothing provisional about me, boyo. I'm the real thing. The realist. They know my name in Dublin and Belfast, all along the falls road and on the road to Al Quds. I'm a Martyr just like my ancestors. I was BORN to bring death to Amerikkka, MASHALLAH.
I love every single one of you SO FUCKIN MUCH!!! This is a really special place, and I'm so glad y'all were here when I needed you.
Love and Solidarity,
Alice D.
"Things went from Sinbad to Sin-worse!"
freaking out because I might have to jury duty without my Adderall and/or antidepressants. it's only an issue if I actually serve on the jury I guess.
but like, texting my parents and my sibling when I'm freaking out doesn't work. I'm like shaking and typing and walking at the same time, and they just respond with "cool". Like, I need someone to acknowledge the intensity of what I'm feeling.
My brother is like "oh well I hope things get better". My bag broke and my mom is like "we can buy you another" I wanted this one, I only broke it because I was mad because nobody is taking me seriously ..
where is the understanding. where is the "I know how you feel, there there, we can get through this". Trick Question! Not in my fucking family. We watch each other walk off cliffs and then laugh because "that's just how we are".
I might call a hotline because holy hell I'm worse than I thought. Trying really hard to keep it together. It's so hard when I'm telling someone how upset I am and they're reacting like I'm talking about an episode of Frasier I saw.
like how can this matter to only me. how can my life not resonate with others even on the level of "wow, I know how that feels".
To me there is such an obvious thing of like, I'm telling you this and I look upset and am acting upset, and for you to react in such a casual way is to deny me the space of my emotions and to be unwilling to engage with what I'm dealing with.
I'm reaching a fever pitch where I really may need someone to tell me to fuck off. If I'm truly not supposed to expect anyone to care whatsoever, I need that told to me explicitly. If I am truly on my own, I need someone to tell me to my fucking face . I need someone to explain to me what I'm doing wrong because I don't fucking know anyone and I'm gonna go nuts.
discovering that nihilism is right actually
not just cool and good, but also true
Edit: if it's not nihilism then what is it? life isn't a grand narrative, and it's also not a series of unrelated moments. According to Hexbear it's a secret third thing.
like, people are reading me as coy or something. I need a fucking explanation.
hey does anyone know how the fuck element works? i need help. My version of Element got "disconnected from server" and I have no idea how to reconnect and now I can't even use Element or tracha
EDIT: made it even worse. I can't sign back into my genzedong.xyz account now
okay so apparently genzedong.xyz isn't even a real fucking home server anymore so i don't fucking know i hate matrix
i love my wife
finally got around to blocking c/doomer but god dammit any hope i had in me of tonight getting better is gone. everything fucking sucks again and i only feel pain. i got misgendered more times than i could count at work today after putting all this effort into my voice and now i have to desperately try not to buy another bottle of piss cheap vodka about it
my bi cycle has been so completely and utterly out of wack recently and it's been exhausting. Yesterday I was daydreaming all day about boys without a single thought about women and three days before that I was doing the exact opposite!! Every day I internally roll a d6 and that's where I am on the fucking Kinsey scale for the day and I really wish it wasn't so volatile. Let me pick a side and stay with it for at least 2 weeks or do before moving on
There was a guy on TikTok who posted that he was cishet but had βthe soul of a lesbianβ. A lot of lesbians on TikTok were pissed about it but I kind of understand. Iβm not cis, but Iβm AMAB and more masculine and yet my attraction to feminine people feels kind of gay? I would never claim the label of lesbian because that feels intrusive on my part but I really seem to enjoy and identify with a lot of wlw media in a non-fetishistic way.
Spin class but we all bring out our beyblades
i went library :)
books
Going thru my itch.io bundles and I found out I have One shot
, loving the music so far and I've used this emoji plenty so hoping for good things.I am sick
i lost so much of my vacation to food poisoning and I am pissed about it, I still can't eat properly
animal violence
One of the dogs managed to catch and kill one of the mice that lives in the garden and I'm devastated, I loved those little guys
(also 3 people so far have told me stuff like that just happens and I KNOW, but that doesn't make me not sad)depression and dysphoria venting
still very much facing this feeling of being behind/too late. i legit feel like i'm 12, but i'm in college for the third time. i hate that i went through college twice as a boy, and that the third time i'm still pretty much a boy. i hate that i am approaching my sexuality and gender from essentially a lack of experience despite being "grown up". how i am the age that i am with so little to show for it in my relationships and in my identity is hard to deal with.
like I'm gonna be excited the first time someone wants to hold hands. that's all it's gonna take. it's like I'm a golden retriever holy shit
it's one of these things where i have to just ask "am i stupid"? like, what am i not getting about any of this. what am i missing? fuck.
the pipes, the pipes are calling
dysphoria/complaining
Wake up, feel super dysphoric. Can't believe I'm a girl with this. Think about how I'd make a horrible partner and I'll probably be alone forever. Wish I wasn't a broken, unlovable mess.
After a bit of that I left my room. Went out and hung out with the family for a bit. I could barely listen to them. Everything feels weird. Force myself to pretend to listen for a bit before returning to my room. Cry. Still feel super dysphoric. Think about how fucked my voice is.
Why can't I be comfortable in my body, in how I exist in the world. I just want to feel happy. Content with how things are. Just got unlucky I guess.
Also unironically thought my depression was getting better because I built some legos for an hour yesterday. I'm stupid and should know better.
CW: Health stuff that I need to vent about.
Fucking hemorrhoids are acting up again, more blood in the stool that I am comfortable with and a fair amount of pain. Because I am (temporarily) between jobs, my health insurance doesn't kick in until next week, so I can't schedule a check-in. I am also loathe to interact with the "normal" medical system post starting HRT.
Found some lip gloss that has this cute pomp pomp keychain on it, the lip gloss itself is pretty good smelling like cupcake frosting. Also got me some witch hazel stuff, cleaned my face and added some gloss and feeling
ok just dont read this, i'm journaling basically
hetero fucking in fanfics
the men fuck like lesbians, this is wild and kinda cool actually. the sex starts with her getting off atleast once before the dick is introduced, this doesnt seem very realistic. In fact I'm pretty sure eating pussy is "gay" according to real men
anyway i just want to excise this one couple from my head just....goddamnit
i dont wanna read about your hetero fucking please stop being this good at writingbeepin through the new year!
Played the demo of miside since I kept seeing it in memes
spoiler
I think the spooky parts are alright but I was still trying to figure out how the card game worked. The game is all like now we have to get to the spooky tho
Great manhua, highly recommend reading it and not looking at the spoiler
spoilers for newest chapter of '*That Time I Was Blackmailed By the Class's Green Tea Bitch*'
lmao just got a notification from my pcp that i'm apparently overdue for a pap smear. i'd uh, like to see her try i guess?
I am willing to commit to the statement that Hexbear has the largest pup community in the fediverse.
hello trans mega
i finally talked to that one girl
spoiler
it was... a surprisingly normal conversation. apparently i hit her at a bad time in life (she just broke up with one of her gfs 2 days before i told her
) but was actually really understanding and said she was proud of me for even saying anything. Apparently, despite being so infatuated by her that I straight up wrote her a love letter (that went unmentioned during our talk because that would have been weird), she actually didn't see me being attracted to her at all like that. She ultimately didn't see me back as anything more than a friend which was disappointing but ultimately the answer which I expectedkind of disappointing that there was nothing but like... it was an extremely normal conversation that will not cause any further drama and i feel better for having said something even if it didn't go the way i really wanted it to
AWA AWAAAAAAAA!!!! :3 ππβ¨ππ
Furiously scribbling down Make puppygirls bark the USSR national anthem
BL MEGA!!!! coincidentally, I read this last month because a cute boy recommended it to me... And thanks to your post I know there's an anime coming out so I can text him about that
Look on the bright side everyone. If we make it to 2026, we get to deal with obnoxious USians getting themselves off over the 250th anniversary of the United States.
cloying, sad
wrote a thing for the self improvement thread
Not to be weird but like, I genuinely like a lot of you and respect and feel some kinship with you as comrades and having Gender and uh, I really don't have any IRL ppl right now to talk to or seek praise or approval from and uh, sorry to sound like a sad sack or pathetic but like, I'm not doing well mentally and have been trying really hard to improve and ugh, I just need someone to tell me they're proud of me or someone IRL to hold me, it's been like 5 years since I've had anyone hold me and oh my God I'm so lonely, like my heart physically hurts sometimes from feeling so lonely and
Stayed up for 24 hours and then immediately fell asleep after dinner
Now Iβm awake at 11pm
dooming ~~sorry~~
I can't do it. I couldn't do it before and I definitely can't now. I am weak and a quitter. I can't. I just can't do any of this. There is no "better future". Its over and I'm fucked.
si/death
I've known forever I'd end up killing myself. I know how it'll go. My family will be devastated. I wish I could make them understand.
Alone on the street somewhere. What an end. Its not fair. Why couldn't I have been happy.
urges
thinking of relapsing. Someone talked me down last time and if I do it again I'll feel like I just wasted her time. I think I can keep holding on for a little bit.
CW: Depression, Dysphoria, STIs
Been dealing with an immense amount of dysphoria and depression the last couple of days. It's hard to overlook the fact that I've lost a not insignificant portion of my family and friends due to being trans, including a spouse. It's especially depressing during this time of year because of the holidays, which were generally when everyone got together for it, but now it's just me and my mother and even then that's before she heads off to other family's houses. Yeah it's Christmas and I don't celebrate, but still.
Also I can't help but just become immensely sad since I can never have children. Seeing and hearing people talk about their kids as of late has been absolutely crushing my soul. Couple that with that I still have body image issues because my body just didn't shape up entirely perfectly and it's just hell for me.
One final thing is that I have an appointment for STI tests with my doctor. Here's to hoping I don't have Syphilis from that asshole.
committed to having a better handle on my emotions in 2025
it's been a very relaxing week minus battling the sniffles. just doing my own thing
Just a bunch of really unproductive self hate
that I can't stop because I cannot Facts and Logic myself out of it
fuck
It boggles my fucking mind that anyone could ever have wanted to be in a relationship with me, and then outright breaks my brain that people have gone and done that. What kind of ulterior motive does someone have that makes putting up with the most annoying loudmouth stupid shitty autistic fuck on the planet even remotely worthwhile?
And it's already confusing enough that anyone would even talk to me, just weird that people would want to chain themselves to my stupid bullshit for years on end. I literally do not get it. I guess I should consider myself lucky not to be terminally alone even though that's probably exactly what I deserve. Would be better if people didn't have to listen to my grating shit all day every day forever.
It is like, who fuckin decided that I should be allowed to speak? Bad call, someone needs to answer for that.
People say to dress for your body typeβ¦but that requires me to analyze my body, so no thank you
got regifted some expensive whisky and it's yummy
getting compliments on my look in ffxiv is perhaps more euphoric to me than is reasonable
The other day, my friend apologized for accidentally touching my tit (he actually didn't; just touched the pillow next to it). I'm not out to him exactly, but he's also sorta been asking if I'm a girl for like 2 years now (including indirectly earlier that day). Maybe I should give a fuller answer than a very non-convincing "no" while looking away embarrassedly.
Anyways, rare cis person not being clueless? Kinda surprised because he tends to be a misogynistic and such. Sorta wonder if he just wants me to be a girl just because that would make him less gay.
Witchy stuff
Today is a special day for some witches. It's a Dark Moon, and the last new moon of the year, and falling on the 30th one of Hecate's special days in the Hellenistic tradition. This lineup won't reoccur for many years, I may never see it again.
And last night i slept amazingly for the first night in a month and my mother in law is properly and intentionally using my gf's pronouns just out of the blue after 5 months of insisting she never would. There's magic in the air!!!! Less than 2 hours until the moon's zenith for me. I'm so happy! Time for Deipnon!!
Y'all know about nullos? You should
Nullification is a type of SRS where the genitals are removed, and the genital area is completely flat/smooth, with only a small hole for the urethra left. The procedure is done by a few clinics in the USA and Mexico. People who have had the procedure or want it, refer to themselves as nullos.
There's three main motivations for getting it, in my anecdotal experience talking with other nullos: first is obviously gender dysphoria. I'm agender, and so are most nullos.
A second is asexuality: some want their bodies to reflect their sexuality, and for some it's a combination of gender and sexuality that makes them feel more comfortable having a body without genitals.
A third, smaller but still significant portion of nullos are cis gay men, bottoms, who from as far as I can tell desire it as expression of their sexuality.
I'm in a small community online (OK, a discord server, lol) of nullos, and it's a genuine 50/50 split between "I'm ace never want to do anything remotely sexual" and the most wildly kinky people I've ever fucking met. Also the most accepting people I've ever met.
Small note, there's some overlap with people with BIID? Which is interesting
Shower fixed
puppy new yuri
Todayβs going to be a weird day for me. Itβs my 10-year anniversary of fully cracking my egg. But instead of going out for dinner with my family, like I originally planned, Iβm sitting here all alone being sick.
Guess Iβll just pull out my most expensive tea and see where the day will take me. And the celbration stuff will have to wait until my official name change that will happen pretty soon anyway.
Not first, sucks.
I talked a little about it earlier, and kind of understated my feelings in the moment, but fuck am I both excited and scared about the possibility of getting on HRT. It's crazy to me that I've been suffering from gender dysphoria for years and only started considering getting on HRT in the last several months, but if everything goes right, it'll all be resolved in a matter of weeks, and ultimately this was spurred by a kind of crappy Christmas with "family". Yet there's still the possibility that I won't get to it soon (I still need to go through all the blood tests and admittedly I have not been taking care of my health up to this point), and even if I do, there's the social consequences of the changes to worry about. Pretty much everyone in my life is socially conservative, and I live in a red state, so I don't know what's gonna happen there. Despite all that, without a doubt I'm looking forward to starting HRT so I can become the woman I've always wanted to be.
It's also weird (yet comforting) to me that the more I think about medically transitioning, the more at peace my mind is. But sadly the only thing I can do at this point is think about it. When my egg first cracked, I thought I would socially transition first (I've made posts from as recently as a month or so ago saying this), but only recently have I realized I can't let myself do that without some form of medical transition. It's not just the way of presenting myself that needs to change, my body does too.
My mom started using my non-deadname without me even asking :O
She still uses the other one in a lot of contexts still (talking to friends about me) but it was still really, really nice to see especially after she was so dismissive (read: transphobic) when I started talking to her about my transness initially
I haven't rly talked about it with her like... in-depth and seriously yet but stillllll
Uhhh
is a land of contrasts or somethingHave been so surprised by her recently, she's even been getting into left politics recently. Some of it is Trump derangement syndrome but like, she's using my name now without even asking and we've been talking seriously about communism and anti-imperialism for the first time in my life. She has even expressed wanting to get involved with some kind of left organization (I haven't recced her a communist party or something quite yet lol). People can actually change, there has to be hope for all of us
Maybe part of it is I am actually quite okay at talking communism (without even saying that word hehe) with people now lol, a lot of it is cuz of this site besides reading more and spending a little time (not enough) in orgs
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
Eco* (1/6 (The Darkest Day in Our Democracy.) - 1/12) Yukiko (1/13 - 1/19) oscardejarjayes* (1/20 - 1/26) SwitchyandWitchy* (1/27 - 2/2) SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (2/3 - 2/9) AshenWolf* (2/10 - 2/16) GayTuckerCarlson* (2/17 - 2/23) EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8)β * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
i'm sure there's still an original concept to be found in the "mascot horror" genre. maybe another few thousand games and we'll get it
I'm so damn tired of smug liberals. It's so exhausting
Fucking great! Iβm sick again for the second time this month. Another week of eating baby food, I guess?
Me: cool how theres 15 bandanas in the wardrobe in 2025 and none go with my outfit. Normal World
Also me: wow its almost like those are my BDSM bandanas and arent meant to go on outfits????????? but ok go off
charlie chaplin working in bureaucracy: stamp tramp
We haven't had Music Monday the last few mega threads have we?
God I love Thomas Bergersen. Currently listening to Red
I'm thinking about getting a MacBook when tax time comes around. I've not used a Mac since high school and I'm curious to see how their UI and how comfortable their OS's user experience has become. If I don't like it, I can resell it pretty quickly and easily for a minor loss, so I'm not too terribly concerned about it. Also consumer therapy is a thing >w>
That said, my ThinkPad is just not performing as well as I need it to and I need to replace it. I never expected to be doing so much on it and I need more power from its GPU. Shouldn't expect so much from a 5 year old AMD APU. Also my fault for expecting so much from a $200 eBay laptop.
What's a good medium length "plausible deniability" haircut? My hair is resting at my shoulders now and I want to clean it up while keeping it decently lengthy. Can't be too girlish but I don't want it to be boyish either. I guess that's just androgynous but I feel like androgynous ends up being code for "unconventional" in a way that doesn't fit me stylistically
Me, 3 hours ago: βItβll be simple, just gotta read some docs to set a few nvim settingsβ
Me, 5 minutes ago, having gone down a lazynvim rabbit hole:
hi and welcome to hopscotchmojo, today we're counting up
Fallow Fallow Fallow Fallow Fallow Fallow Fallow Fallow Fallow (spoiler free though)
For a primer see here
I know it probably seems like I just talk about the same shit on repeat, but things stick in my brain. I did not become intimately familiar with Nevada's guts by not yapping about it...
I need to play it again still, but Fallow defeated me basically. I would probably say that Fallow is a top 10 game for me, but it feels sort of weird to say when I feel like my understanding is incomplete. Having a refusal of closure for an ending is pretty par for the course at least when it comes to Trans A Novels, but Fallow is built different. It probably has less than 10,000 words of dialogue total.
Fallow is a very vague, alluring "vibes" game. People talk about this stuff in any old mainstream game, and maybe I'm just so dumb that I needed a game to rip away my analytical ability to appreciate it, but I fucking GET IT now. Fallow is A VIBE. Or maybe average video games just don't hit hard enough thematically. I love the eerie, desolate mood though, I love the colour pallete, how everything is dried out and creaky feeling, how the music swings between "kinda chill" and "absolutely not fuckin chill, where do you think you are kiddo?"
You could just accept it as a vibes piece, and it manages to convey a lot about its core mood and themes just through like, context, and Isabelline's narration. The flashbacks, the dream sequences, you know. But someone writing about Fallow had the utter nerve to open her write-up saying "I wish I felt more confident about my understanding of Fallow, a new lo-fi adventure game by the artist and musician Ada Rook." Fuck you, that's my line.
The meaning of what happens after the days run out is more or less completely lost on me. I'll take notes when I go back in. I know art is whatever you take away from it, in a sense, but I wonder what the intent behind certain things was. I desire to understand a little bit about who/how/why this was made this specific way. It feels like I should, too; I'm stupid, but I pretty much studied for this. My life's goofyass obsession, and when the credits rolled on Fallow I was basically left staring at them, thinking "huh." Not a good feeling.
I guess it's kind of arrogant to assume you can just understand all of the things on some level, and I know this fixation on comprehension is a dumb overly-literal autism thing, but I persist. I wanna know what happens exactly to Isabelline and her sisters.
Also... are those like, sisters, or sisters-sisters?
happy new year mega!
2025...
That's one number higher than 2024
reworking a call of cthulhu one-shot i wrote and ran before. hopefully it'll be better this time
Operating on hilarious levels of name matrioshka. Do my friends call me by my headmate's name or our old name from a few months ago? At least they don't know our deadname lmao
I remember seeing the sanic movie and thinking how much funnier it would have been if they used the mutant sanic before they changed it. I need that movie I need to see that horrid creature's face. I can only imagine how worse tails and knuckles would have looked in the sequel.
Felt kind of tired and was gonna go to sleep, but then I thought tomorrow is New Yearβs Eve and Iβm gonna be staying up anyways, so why go to bed now.
are you diying or going through offical channels?
I'm going through planned parenthood
Never send a microcontroller to do an fpgaβs job
intrusive thought/vocal stim
"Kleeg Lars. Schmi is my wife"
Thanks November Kelly, that's gonna be stuck in my head for awhile
3h left in the year, eating (vegan) sweet chili sourcream chips with spicy homemade hummus as the dip. Eh, things could be worse
i finished my book :) in time for the library return date on friday (though it's not open until friday anyway)
My body's doing its usual beatdown of the rest of it, I'm slowly getting better from this evil virus or maybe viruses. Doctor figured it was some wretched flu/noro combo, you don't want this, sneezing is scary AF, coughing fits are too (bring 2 buckets), and every fart is questionable by default.
Reflecting about this year, well it wasn't the greatest since work was very stressful and took up most time, but on the positive side between that and flipping laptops I've made more than I ever have, I was able to at least get a truck, so I don't lose this shit job when it snows more than a few inches. I also saved up for some hobby thing I've been wanting since high school, that was cool too.
Though all my efforts I still didn't earn enough to get an ACA plan covered when I have my yearly get kicked off medical starting in another 2 months. I hope next year I can get more enjoyment in, haven't played nor modded video games since spring, and I'm lucky if I can get 1-2 days of reading a week or even a movie. Enjoying making complex meals for fun is impossible and I'm lucky to be able to cook for necessity for the week ahead. I know work is going to be scheduling everyone less starting in February, so between the eternal job hunt, infinite home to do at least one positive of fewer hours is I hope I can have some fun again.
I decided to brute force teach myself how to do video editing a few weeks ago. I used davinci resolve. I think my first effort turned out ok. Far from perfect and nothing ground breaking. But I'm still happy (enough) with it. https://streamable.com/3u1pbp
Two cissies ranking Batman villains for how transphobic they'd be
It's better than it sounds.
@gregor@gregtech.eu hey what are your pronouns? noticed you posting a lot on lemmy.ca/c/traa and dont know how to refer to you
Iβm normally pretty bad at talking about feelings, but Iβm really spiraling lately and I feel like I need to do something about it. Iβm also feeling increasingly alienated from online spaces Iβm in, but itβs hard to take a break from it because itβs kind of my only social lifeline at the moment even though itβs probably causing me more emotional harm right now. Like I said, Iβm bad at talking about my feelings. Not sure what else I can do right now.
spoiler
wassup
got a trophy yesterday for finishing 50% the completion list in kiwami guess I'm doing this now. Went from 
to 
sega got a hold of me 
but I'm starting to get pretty at peace with my mid-ness 
. Being mid, dull and dumb is alright 
]
)
) so they're all fixed!
in my incredibly queer head.
absolutely no idea why