1mo ago

what works for you to let go?

I've tried the serenity prayer without god and I'm reading the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, but it's not enough. The book is good though.

There are still moments when people really piss me off and while I'd like that not to affect me, my first instinct is still to feel anger and to hate the jackass making my life or work difficult. Sometimes I'd like to punch him in the face.

It could be the plumber who doesn't come on the agreed day, the technician who 'repaired' a tv set, only to have the same issue the next day, a coworker who keeps yelling when I'm trying to work and even after asking him not to be loud, blatantly ignores me or coworkers who importunate me with stupid questions about my weekend.

A strategy I'm going to use now at the workplace is to ignore every non related job question from these people and only answer when they ask something job related. As for the plumber, the hate usually subsides after 2 days, but I'd like to be more resilient, not to jump to anger and hate so easily.

It's like I'm emotionally very easy to trigger.

I don't know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn't have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.

This is how I feel sometimes.

36 comments

I’ve been trying to practice compassion for the people that piss me off. Trying to remember that folks are all doing their best and may be dealing with even more stress and anxiety than I am dealing with.
The other thing that has really helped me is deliberately practicing gratitude for all of the great things in my life. Family, pets, health, food, shelter, car that works reliably, etc. it’s counterintuitive that focusing on these will help, but focusing on these things makes the things hat anger me seem so much less important.
- I have compassion for people on the subway that act like monkeys, screaming and moving around a lot. Their maturity levels simply doesn't allow them to understand basic nice behavior.
  They are in the very beginning of their human experience, someone who just spawned into a game on level one and never played before.
  And still they annoy me so much. Lol.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, too, if you're on a "hair trigger" with your emotions. Some self care and/or therapy may help with some of it, but you sound like you're on the right track already. Try to be aware of when you feel that way, try to identify why the situation makes you feel that way, ask yourself what you can do in that situation too change anything, and try to view the situation from other perspectives (doesn't have to be from the perspective of the person making you angry, but can be a stranger viewing the situation from the outside).
Best of luck to you! And keep in mind that by just wanting to improve yourself in this way, you're already take a step more than most people!

My toddler has really taught me how to control my anger, there's something about having someone slap you in the face and scream at you while you carry them to the car without having any recourse other than asking them to calm down and please stop hitting you that really teaches you how to find some zen ..
- I don't recommend OP take on a toddler until they master their own emotions.
  Good for you, though! Sending you a hex against other random stress-inducing disasters befalling your family while you're navigating this difficult passage.
  
  Yeah that's probably pretty sage advice, but sometimes a baptism of fire can help for learning
- Please teach me this zen, because holy hell toddler tantrums are the worst! They've made dealing with morons at work much easier.

This might sound odd, but start listening to metal music.
A lot of the lyrics in these songs are aggressive and downright violent (especially if you start listening to death metal and black metal), and for me, it helps to release my emotion.
For example, many people think “I want to punch that person right in their dumb face”. Listening to a song that talks about doing it, and mentally visualizing it, is very cathartic. I don’t really know how to explain it, but just letting go to the music and having it take all your rage and frustration helped me a lot going through similar situations.

Do you drink coffee? You sound like me when I was drinking it. I quit because it made me so irritable. Didn't use to make me like that, but it changed over time.

Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh
Getting to Where You Are by Steven Harrison
Journey Without Goal by Chogyam Trungpa
I recommend them in this order. I think Journey Without Goal is more useful after reading the other two - it's not a good starting point. The idea is sort of to start with calming the noise in your head that makes you anxious or upset, then explore understanding and getting to know yourself, and then after finding some measure of internal stability work on larger perspectives on your life and your relationship with others.

Constructive Nihilism, or my own spin on it, has helped me.
Everything in the universe, including us, are nothing but subatomic billiards balls bouncing off one another. Free will isn't even an illusion, but a delusion. Consciences may not even exist beyond a concept we use as a shortcut to describe ourselves.
If you can truly internalize and grock those ideas, getting angry at a person, makes as much sense as getting angry at ocean wave. In fact your feelings of anger are internally nothing more than a few billiard balls bouncing in your own brain.
It's not perfect. I still get annoyed occasionally. But then I remember these facts, and suddenly the feelings of anger just go away as quickly as they arrived. They seem silly and trivial.

Exercise.
If you are literally only able to focus on inhaling and exhaling, the ruminative thoughts will not stand a chance.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy
It's stood up to scrutiny as a therapeutic tool from several meta-analyses.

Have you tried cynicism?
Cynicism is expecting the plumber to screw you over and being pleasantly surprised when they don't
- but don't you hate your life or makes it very miserable and tiring?
  I mean, expecting everyone to fuck me over would make me angrier I believe, like going to work and constantly ruminate about how every coworker and client is going to ruin my day.
  If you are a cynic, how do you don't ruminate?
  or is cynicism more 'no expectations no disappointments'?
  
  Nihilism might be able to help assuage it, but yeah in my experience, yeah it's depressing. But that's because reality is depressing, and I'm actually paying attention to it.
  But if you're not familiar with nihilism or existentialism, maybe look into them a bit. They can provide ways to become happy (or maybe more accurately, "content") in spite of everything being objectively awful.
  
  Cynicism is horrible. It is slowly training your brain to always assume the worst in everything and everyone, and has little to do with expectations. Cynicism legitimizes the anger you already feel, and makes it "okay" to yell about it, rather than taking control of your emotions.
  You need a philosophy that allows you to take control, not one that justifies your helplessness. Mindfulness practices, and/or existentialist thought eventually leading to positive nihilism can help you.
  Edit: After rereading your initial post, I am doubling down on mindfulness practices. The goal of simply not caring doesn't seem to be helping you, so perhaps it's best to try and accept and understand your feelings for what they are, rather than attempt to reject them. Your anger is there, and it is real, but it is your choice to act on it, or let it pass. With time, the practice of "letting it pass" will hopefully result in this being the default position. The brain form habits, and if you start to build a habit of letting go, it'll get easier.
  
  If you're cynical in your rumination then there isn't much to ruminate about.
  Don't you hate your life
  Cynicism is a vent. It's cathartic where is truthful. There's no point being angry "at god", there isn't one there. You can be angry at people, but only if it serves you. If the anger is pointless it's easier to discard it. If it has a point (you're going to complain to someone's superior) then it can be a useful motivator. I hate discomfort, so I work until I'm comfortable. I expect people to be self serving (this doesn't require any energy on my part) and I'm pleasantly surprised when they're not. Neither an I self serving, when I do things for others it feels like I'm sticking two fingers up at a system that would rather I'm a self centred ghoulish consumer. I guess it could be summed up as having very low expectations. But rather than being depressing I find it has the effect of creating joy in everyday mundane things.

Regulation activities will help you build up more resilience.
You're at the edge. Your cup is full. You're out of copium. You need to purposefully recharge.

Same here. Earbuds. Grey Rock Method.
There is only one way to effectively get bullies to stop, and it's not good for your continued employment. I recommend seeking a new job and reporting your issues to someone in charge. At least those are some productive actions you can (legally) take.

I don't know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn't have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
Definitely do agree, and I fall victim to this myself. I think the root cause is feeling that powerlessness is unacceptable. Resolve that root cause, and the emotional reaction to powerlessness solves itself.
The way I work towards that resolution is to try to recognize that "not being in complete control of things" is the default state. Then I try to add some "make the best decisions I can considering the circumstances I find myself in" -- even (especially?) when those circumstances are the result of my own previous "less than best" decisions.
I don't always succeed at this. That's just how it goes. Reassess the circumstances, make another decision. If I'm continually running into difficulty, take smaller steps, make smaller decisions.
It's a process, and a skill, developing a skill requires practice, and practicing means not being very good at it in the beginning, and never being perfect.
Take a pause, take a breath, figure out where you're at and where you want to go, make a decision and execute on it. Expect to fail, and forgive yourself when you do.

In my experience you're describing loneliness and perhaps depression. These are not easy things to overcome, but they are universal.
Our society is well equipped to deal with broken bones, much less than its ability to mend hearts and minds.
Walking and sunlight are relatively easy circuit breakers, talking might be a little harder to find, but asking here is a good start.
If you have the financial means or employer support, it can be extremely helpful to speak with a psychologist, but just like plumbers, there are bad ones, good ones and great ones, so don't hesitate to try a few different people on for size.
Reacting in anger gets easier the more you do it, the same is true for reacting with grace, but you have to practise to get better at it. Take an extra breath before opening your mouth is one way to get started.
Finally, find fun, watch a flashmob or a funny song on YouTube, dance, be silly. It's hard to be angry whilst you're smiling.
Good luck.

I mean with the plumber your the customer so, ya know, use a different plumber or if its something simple like a faucet you can get a home depot book or use the internet and do it yourself. Like replacing a p-trap or a toilet flusher is dead simple. If its in the wall though then you have to start being a bit at a higher level. I honestly have never had something like a tv repaired. I might unscrew the back and see if anything is obviously wrong and then likely get a new one. I agree with the work thing. If its non work related I would just say I need to conecentrate as im having a problem with x project and Im trying a different approach or something.
- I have to agree with this. I'm more inclined to learn how to do something myself before calling a service person. I don't trust people to do shit right. And if I find it's above my pay grade, then maybe I'll have learned enough in looking into it to know whether or not I'm getting screwed over.
  
  I mean personally I would overall have a professional do it but I won't put up with shit work. I actually have what is currently a good company near me for plumbing but it was a family one that recently got bought out so.... who knows where that will go.

I like reading this poem whenever I'm feeling like I'm about to lose it. It helps me find my center again:
Just Let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them.
If they are okay with never seeing you, let them.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, let them.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, let them.
If they want to follow the crowd, let them.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, let them.
If they act like they can live without you, let them.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, and let them.
Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own. So let them.
Cassie Phillips

Sometimes it helps to feel bad for the person rather than get angry. As Gandalf said in the LOTR:
“Frodo: 'It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill Gollum when he had the chance.'
\ Gandalf: 'Pity? It's pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.”
Remember that plumber earns his livelihood on his professional reputation. If he cannot keep an appointment, he is failing at his career.

Whenever I get into an argument with someone on the Internet and I keep arguing with them past the point I should stop (it's useless or I'm just wicked frustrated) I set up a monthly donation to something that would piss them off. And that's why I have monthly donations to Sesame Street, the ACLU, and the SPLC.

I think arriving to the ability to not let this trigger you requires a lot of little decisions and changes. Like accepting that people will fail or suck at their job, being able to roll with shit, having alternate/backup plans.... Like if the cable guy was coming today, then I'd have shit planned to do around the house and I wouldn't plan anything else that day. I'd game, clean, do chores, do outside projects, change the car oil, whatever needs to be done nearby that I can take a break from when they finally show up. Small businesses I'd probably call in the morning and verify they're showing up for sure that day.
I guess it's a combination of assuming the worst case scenario and focusing on what you can control. ("Plan fo the worst, hope for the best") So in the case of the shitty co worker, I'd ask them to tone it down. If they won't, then what can I do? Can I move elsewhere? If I can't I might ask the supervisor if they can get my desk moved. Of course they are going to do the easier job of telling Jack wagon to stfu but now it's coming from the supervisor. I can control the coworker, but I can control myself, I can try to manipulate the situation. There might be other options depending on the situation like putting in earbuds and refraining from clubbing them like a baby seal.
But yeah, I agree. I think a person yells when they think they have no power over the situation. I grew up being yelled at all the time it's very easy for me to fall into that trap too and I understand how hard it is to not resort to that when I'm frustrated or overwhelmed. It gets 100x worse when I'm tired.

I don't know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn't have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
kinda, but speaking form experience it is not healthy and puts strain on relationships.
Therapy and meds have helped (and a dash of cannabis and psilocybin)

One of my strategies is to first ask myself, "Does it matter? How much?" and then "What could I do about it? Do I care enough to do that?"
Then I act or shrug or medicate or politely interrogate why-incompetent-person-did-incompetent-goddamn-thing based on that.
Experience: worked a service job for too long, judging an issue's worth to me is like a reflex now. It takes practice

Stoicism might interest you:
https://dailystoic.com/anger-management/

To me it sounds like you have low levels of serotonin. It made me irritable and easily angered too.
Medicine that helps with that are SSRIs (antidepressants). You have to ask a psychiatrist about those. Or, if you don't want to go full medical about it, try a 5-HTP over-the-counter supplement, which is a serotonin building block. And also ease up on masturbation... It drains your serotonin.
You don't even have to take these for very long. They have a side-effect of making you sleepy, because serotonin is processed into melatonin. Take them on and off just enough to get some perspective on how artificial your mood is, which is when you'll gain a level of control that will stay with you even after you've stopped taking the medicine.
- This was my first thought, too.
  I started taking antidepressants a few months ago to treat ADHD-related anxiety and depression. (The doctor suggested that I could try ADHD-specific meds, but pointed out that I'm already a relatively successful adult, so clearly I've built coping mechanisms over the years.)
  I'm surprised by how much more rational I've become when dealing with stuff.
  I first really noticed it when I was crossing at an intersection and a driver turning right didn't see me and almost hit me. She slammed on the brakes and waved her hands in a clearly startled and apologetic way. Before the meds I probably would have flipped her the bird and had my heart pounding in my ears for the next half hour as I seethed with anger. Now, my thought was "She made a mistake. I'm fine. She knows she made a mistake and she'll certainly be more careful next time. It's okay."
  That's not to say that I don't get angry anymore. I just get angry about stuff that matters or where I can change something. It feels a lot healthier.
  Standard disclaimer: I'm not a doctor. This is not medical advice. It's just my anecdotal experience. Maybe talk to your doctor about getting tested for depression and/or anxiety. (I had never thought to before this year, because in my youth I was just called "disorganized", "lazy", and "scatterbrained".)
  
  That's a great example!
  I discovered that the grouchy, irritable and angry part of me was not "just my personality", it was an emotional overlay that colored the rational self which lay underneath...

For me, it was being perpetually high on weed for 6 years. Now I can just let everything roll off.

36 comments