3mo ago

I don't understand "Your partner is not your Therapist"

Firstly, no idea about the origin of this phrase, but it seems like a poorly constructed idea that is broad enough to generate discussions on any point of view that you want.

What I take from researching is that sharing your troubles shouldn't be a one way street, if both people support each other it isn't therapy it's sharing, which is just semantics at this point. Can I vent about life to my partner or only to my close friends? or do I need to hire a professional?

Alternatively a very direct reading is that your partner doesn't have the medical expertise to solve your mental issues. Which is very fair, but again lay people can't be expected to diagnose if their partner is suffering from depression or just sad that their dog died.

A really negative reading of this is just a toxic excuse, "Oh, my boyfriend cried in front of me so I dumped him, I'm not his therapist"

At the end of the day, ignoring this phrase, should I share that I had a bad day with my partner? Should we talk about trauma that we had as kids? Where is the line if there is any?

8 comments

Idk. My partners have pretty much never needed to vent or share anything with me. If they have it was very minor. That's what made me feel like I should get a therapist instead. It would be mostly just me venting.
I found that my partner who was empathic felt very bad any time I told him how I was feeling, so this weighed much more heavily on him than my partner who lacked empathy. He was just annoyed and didn't care about my stuff and wanted me to not talk.

I’ve heard variations of this phrase and I think the underlying theme is that your partner isn’t there for you to trauma dump every time something negative happens. I see it intended the same way “your partner isn’t your mother” and shouldn’t always be picking up after you.
It’s less about what you’re telling to her partner as whether it’s what they want to be talking about right now. Deep conversations where you’re vulnerable are a critical part of a close relationship, but it does need to be reciprocal. There are people out there that have such a weak grasp of empathy that they’ll whine about their own problems and then wander off to watch tv. No “thanks for listening, and how are you feeling?” or similar. There’s doesn’t have to be a trade of grievances, but rather a general understanding that you are there to hear each other when one of you is in pain.
IMO, it’s the kind of advice friends give each other while partners aren’t present. If one partner is telling the other that kind of thing, I think the relationship is sick and probably not much longer for the world.
And it’s absolutely abused by narcissists to try to make their shitty attitude sound acceptable.
- Exactly.
  You are allowed to "dump" on your therapist if you want, because they are literally being paid to listen and help. It's a mostly one-directional relationship.
  You aren't allowed to unilaterally dump on your partner, however, because that relationship is two-directional and you need to be considerate of your partner's feelings.
  Easy.

How about another phrase. No one person can fill every role you need.
The person complaining about dividing relationships and being someone's other half kinda sounds like they don't have friends outside of their relationship.
Draw your own conclusions based on your relationship with [insert spouse, friend, acquaintance] and what roles you each want to fill for each other.

Sounds like another way toxic people continue to divide us in our own relationships. My wife and I support each other emotionally during hard times. If it's both of us, or one of us, our job is to be the support the other one needs so they have an easier time coping with it.
Your partner is your best friend. They're not your therapist, they're your other half. If you can't be open, and honest with them - then what's the point?
We even have laws which say Husbands/Wives can't be forced to testify against one another because that bond is so strong that they share things that can't be shared with anyone else.
As with anything though, you just openly discuss where that line is with your partner. Communication is key in any healthy relationship, and the moment you stop communicating or hiding things from one another - it just slowly slides downhill from there.
If they use that vulnerability as ammo against you - call them on it. Your SO is effectively, supposed to be the person you can trust more than your own self at times. If they aren't that for you, you gotta decide where that sits in your heart.

To me, it just means that you need to be mindful of it being a partnership. If they're good at giving emotional support, while you're good at handiwork or whatever, and you're both happy with that arrangement, then there's no point in mulling it.
It's more a word of warning, especially for the traditionally-male raised folks, who might come into a relationship and fall apart completely, because they feel for the first time, like they're allowed to share their hardships. Like, yeah, you can do that thing, if you're mindful of them being on board. You do still need to make it up to them, because it is a partnership. And you simply won't know, if they can even emotionally deal with your troubles. There is always the risk, especially in young relationships, for your partner to need to get out of there, no matter how much you'd be willing to make it up to them, because it simply drags them down far beyond any relationship could make up.

There's a difference between a partner being part of a healthy support network, and a partner either being expected to and/or trying to "fix" you.
That's the real difference in things.
Venting, talking things out, that's part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. What isn't part of it is being the sole support, being in the position of trying to heal the other party, being expected to just take any behaviours stemming from mental health or emotional issues, and/or being the source of advice all or most of the time.
Honestly, if the saying doesn't make sense to you, chances are you've had solid partners. That's a good thing. Until you end up with someone that's not in situation where they can be a partner, where they're really looking for someone to fulfil their needs and wants on that level, it's hard to really wrap your head around it, because why would you?
We can't fix other people, none of us. We can give them support, we can love them and help them be in a place to heal, but even if we're trained in therapy,, we can't fix them. Nobody can, we all have to fix ourselves. A therapist teaches us tools to do it, and gives advice according to best practices at the time according to their training. They help us explore things in a safe and neutral way.
A partner is there to hug us after therapy, go home with us and live life.
When a partner is in a position where they're trying to guide you, trying to advise you, the dynamic gets fucked up. I'm not talking about basic stuff, I'm talking processing the big shit mostly, or the little shit too much.
And it isn't just the partner being asked to, it's also them trying to on their own.
No relationship that's supposed to be romantic can also be healthy when one person is in that position. It's mutually exclusive.
Like you're example of a dog dying. The two people crying together, processing the grief together is healthy. When it turns into one having/trying to pull the other out of it, it's time for outside support.
With your questions, talking about a bad day is absolutely part of a partnership. Sharing trauma is too. Both can be very healthy. It's what happens after the bad things are shared that really determines things.

Not to be crass but this would be something to discuss with a therapist.
The point of the saying is that your partner cannot fix you.
It's has no deeper than saying your partner isn't your mommy.
Your struggle with this indicates a deeper need that should be discussed with a professional.
But keep in mind a therapist cannot fix you either. They can only guide you to fixing yourself.

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