Trans Megathread for the Week of 10⁄28 to 11⁄3)
Trans Megathread for the Week of 10⁄28 to 11⁄3)
K (189?–?) Soviet pioneer. From Kazan, Tartarstan, USSR, K was diagnosed as a ‘transvestite’ in 1937.
She was given permission by the People’s Court to wear female clothing, her identity papers were changed to her female name, and her name was removed from the military recruitment rolls.
She was featured in a 1957 gynaecology textbook.
M.G. Serdiukov. Sudebnaia ginekologiia I sudebnoi akusherstvo. Moscow: Meditsina 1957: 47-8.
Dan Healey. Homosexual Desire in Revolutionary Russia: The Regulation of Sexual and Gender Dissent. Chicago and London: The University of Chicago Press, 2001: fig 24.
Please help donate to Palestinians who just lost their home thanks to the zionist fucks
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
would anyone here be interested in collaborating on cryptpad to write up a "Why Hexbear?" blurb for trans people for the sidebar? i know a couple people that are trying to hook hexbear into more trans spaces and having a central doc they can point to when people ask why they should switch to hexbear might be useful
would be especially helpful if you found hexbear useful for your transition and wanted to talk about it to more people
join this matrix address if youre interested : https://matrix.to/#/!fYvKJEPbxrfVxxHRPn:matrix.org?via=matrix.org we'll be using it for general propaganda activities i think
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
Zvyozdochka (11/4 - 11/10) oscardejarjayes* (11/11 - 11/17) HelltakerHomosexual* (11/18 - 11/24) GayTuckerCarlson* (11/25 - 12/1) Luna* (12/2 - 12/8) Eco* (12/9 - 12/15) EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
cw: vent about life
It really sucks being poor and not being able to get a job. I have no money to go and do things, I don't have a car or any way to get around so even if I had money to do things I still wouldn't be able to, I am stuck in a meh housing arrangement, and I'm lonely as ever because social anxiety is strong and I shut down in even the smallest social interactions. I'm a mess.
cw: trans community drama, anti-diyism
whats goin on over there
god im so glad i never look at reddit anymore
One part of being trans that I don't like is how much time you have to spend on your transition, and how it takes away time for other stuff. I went to a laser appointment today, and then I had to pick up my Finasteride, and then I had to sign a document for starting HRT appointments, and put the next appointment in my agenda and then I had to research if it will be covered by insurance and what I exactly have to do to get the costs insured, and put the deadline for payment in my agenda.
This was today. I have a school deadline in a couple of days and I couldn't work on it yet today.
transphobia, transmeds
I don't often doomscroll through bigoted spaces any more, and when I do I think it's mostly just funny to see their unhinged takes, but I stumbled on a transmed forum today and that shit genuinely made me sad. It's infuriating that people who have 100% suffered from gender policing decides they're now going to start gender policing others. I hadn't really looked into transmed beliefs before and now I regret knowing these people exist.
But also, I can't imagine these people are very happy. Like, they're treating this idea of "opposite sex neurology" as if it's an unquestionably true scientific fact and rely on it to feel valid (i saw someone asking if they could get a brainscan to prove they're trans lol), while the actual scientific reality is that we don't know what causes people to be trans. And why does it even matter? If you need to transition to live a fulfilled and happy life, isn't that reason enough? Why is your internal sense of self not enough to make you valid.
Also wanted to claw my eyes out when people were posting "teens shouldn't get gender affirming care" and "going through female puberty has ruined me forever" right next to each other.
Y'all ever try to do something gender affirming and it backfires? Lol
Spent all afternoon shaving, doing makeup, putting on an outfit just for fun. Not happy with what I see in the mirror. I feel worse than before I did it
Anyway, the diffuser worked, and my hair looks great~
Edit: a couple hours have passed and now I'm happy I did it
Would recommend
Everything I own is transitioning with me. I've noticed I use she/her for all of my inanimate belongings now
venting about irl organising
its realy nothingey, it's just negative
I turn my back while some people who seemingly had the right idea got into positions of power, and I put my hand up to fill a role after someone bailed mid term. It turns out the so-called-anarchists have been encouraging general membership to write articles, cool, cute idea. But I look at them, and they're poorly researched, have no analysis, meandering, nothingey, and just wrong, filled with racist assumptions. Is anarchy just when you can't tell people NO? the article this person wanted published when I came back was essentially titled "we need to make people love the country again", and it's fascist as fuck. omg (I know these people aren't actually anarchists, they're just young libs trying their best, maybe I shouldn't have dipped)
Don't even get me started on people bailing 1 month before the end of their term and suggesting we should just fold the org. I get your burnt out but OH MY FUCKING GOD. please excuse me while I scream FUCK as loudly as I can in my home.
One of the most frustrating things is that the bar for entry is so low that a bunch of unsafe "comrades" who are anti-communists, who I have kept out of other spaces, are now firmly embedded, and they complain that kicking people out is going to isolate them from community, and they'll make vague threats of self-harm, yeah cool, that's not abusive, this is fine.
Honestly everytime I stop smoking feels like the worst possible time to be doing it. I know this is all petty and silly, but wow I am just having a bad mental health week/month/year/life
No amount of easy listening will sooth my soul today comrades, this is a clusterfuck.
weird? idk, dysphoria
It's weird how something that isn't outwardly visible to anyone else can alter my mood and behavior significantly
Wearing cute undies and I feel kinda bubbly and more femmy than usual compared to my usual dour cranky sleep deprived grandparent vibe
I wish I wasn't a garish oaf and had somewhere fun to be because meeting a cute person to flirt with IRL sounds appealing today
I'm not much of a dysphoria poster, but...
dysphoria question
Does anyone have any methods for managing/coping with dysphoria? I can't transition any faster. I've already got girl clothes, people using my pronouns, voice training, hair removal, and a plan to start HRT.
It's just that it's been very acute lately on a visual level. I'm about to adopt @Tomboymoder@hexbear.net 's strategy of never looking in a mirror, but... I'm like super vain and can't pass a mirror without looking lol
Anyway, it just hurts, and I'm solution oriented, so I just kind of want to do something about it
Update on the girl I'm kinda crushing on, I think I maybe messed up. I met her for coffee today, and at one point I was telling a story and she interjected just to tell me I'm very cute, so maybe that means she's interested in me too. But because I'm a loser I didn't know how to respond so I just looked down and smiled and kept yapping and now I'm worried that if she was flirting, she might think I'm disinterested or rude because I didn't reciprocate.
She (context) said on a voice recording:
"You're so cute. I'm gonna try and get some sleep, and I'll speak to you soon. I hope you're okay; I hope you have a good day. I love you! Byebyebye!"
God damn, my face lit up. I feel so, oh my God, I don't even know how to describe this feeling...
Wow I'm actially impressed that even at my older age my parents are able to make me so insecure about my body -.-
facial hair of days past
Oddly gender affirming teaching my transmasculine comrade how to do a wet shave for his face. Glad someone gets to use that knowledge know that I no longer need it. Wet shaving was one of the few rituals that I enjoyed when I had the facial hair, always felt so nice to whip up the warm foam and earn the smooth face.
preening
Found my favorite undies that had been missing in the back of the drawer and wearing them with my Good Ass Pants and feeling like I'm channeling potent bottom aura
I think I'm developing feelings for a man who's already in a relationship. Fuck
kinda sadposting
Really fighting the i am fundamentally unwantable thoughts today
. Literally only because I felt awkward earlier while at a friends place 
and now im just holding back the flood of thoughts and ruminations and anxieties. I just want to be comfortable with my friends, but ive got too many maladaptive processes, and my maladaptive processes dont interface well with everyone elses 
(i guess thats part of why their maladaptive now and not just adaptive anymore...).entertaining my ruminations
I have a really deep seated belief that i am unwantable
. That any expression of wanting to be around me is a lie, or intended to be deceptive
. I know its not true, but, well, under duress we regress 
. And when im stressed or anxious or feel awkward my ability to counter that thought goes out the window. Like its not even a thought, its axiomatic 
. And i cant seem to do anything about it! Im aware of it, i try to counter it by ignoring it, by ignoring my discomfort, but it never goes away, and I dont know what steps to take to change that process.People ask me about it sometimes, but i just
and tell them its nothing, im fine; I dont want to make my friends deal with my weird shit. Like, when im in these spaces I require an explicit "i want to spend time with you and will be sad if you leave 
" (yes the hug is included in the quotes, i require hugs) in order to not feel bad guilty and shameful for existing near my friends. But they shouldnt have to say that; i should be able to understand "feel free to hang out if you want" actually is an invitation, and not a thinly veiled attempt to get me to leave.Fuck my brain
gendered language musing? Idk workshopping, indirectly flirty
"Good girl"
"Good boy"
"Good... bee?" 🐝
(idk I kinda think "bee" as short for enby sounds cute)
dysphoria
I have come to realize that I am significantly more affected by dysphoria than I thought. I realized how much of a prison guyness feels like and how much I hate feeling like one. I feel like I'm always a little bit aware of what I look like and what I sound like and it makes human interaction feel so much harder.
I think modern halloween is one of the dubs America can have. that shit is fun, and there's a reason it has caught on all over the place. my dad refused to take me trick or treating as a kid calling it American shit, so I had to get neighbour to take me with their kids, and it was damn fun every time
The purple is just as pretty as I hoped
Its a little glittery too, feels amazing.Hoping comrades @ashinadash@hexbear.net and @magi@hexbear.net are doing okay.
whining, dysphoria
Showering is awful, I hate being alone with my thoughts and horrible body. Being reminded of all the things I hate about it. The dysphoria, the scars, everything.
Also can't shave for shit. Not sure how I'm supposed to when I can't even see what I'm doing. The perfect way to ruin a good mood.
Does anyone else find life kind of bittersweet?
story
Idk if it makes sense, but like I went clubbing with a friend of mine and we met up with some of his friends. I vibed really well with his one friend 'James' (not his real name) and my friend, James and I wound up going to get something to eat before heading to James' place where we watched some anime. My friend fell asleep and one thing lead to another and me and James did a lot of kissing, cuddling and heavy petting. The next day we met up too and the same thing happened, but before that we also went to get something to eat and then we cuddled while watching some anime. And he isn't pushy and doesn't seem to only want sex. Idk it felt like he was interested in something more.
And like it sounds great, but also so incredibly bittersweet as I knew this would never lead to more as he didn't know I was trans. It was a reminder of something I feel like I'll never have, and now I have to kill off whatever spark was there. Honestly I just bawled my eyes out because of this realization that any relationship developing organically seems basically impossible while trans. At best I'll get to wade through awful dating apps and in the end any partner I might find will have to know I'm trans which makes me sick. Idk it feels like cruel joke to have something great within reach, but then realizing it will never ever work out.
well i think my professor is homophobic because he seems to have taken a huge issue with my queer analysis of bisclavret since this cishet man claims there is no possible way bisclavret's lycanthropy could be a queer allegory and yet when i look up "queer bisclavret" in a search engine multiple articles support this and go in such depth about it but whatever i don't know how to dispute his unprofessional feedback on my short essay when i'm anxious about escalation so fuck me i guess
First thing in the morning, show some trans comrade love.
Me when I feel less anxious/more certain about HRT when people treat it positively instead of like I'm poisoning myself
Starting as soon as the pharmacy ships to me. Feel a little bad not telling my mom about it but if she wanted to be in the loop maybe she shouldn't have reacted so drastically¯\(°_o)/¯ plus my family doesn't tell me things all the time so not like they're some shining example
I'm scared that I might not be cis and in denial. I tell myself it's just me feeling like I don't want to / can't live up to the standards of masculinity, that my genitals specifically don't give me dysphoria so I cant be trans , but maybe I'm just scared of adding more complications to my life of adding another form of discrimination I'll get to have , that I feel like I'll never find anyone and presenting myself another way will make it 100x harder . Why do I cry if I even begin to imagine myself looking feminine , I just want to close my eyes and have them not open.
I think my housemates are coming to hate me, they never seen to want to talk to me or spend time with me and always make plans with each other without including me. They don't seem to be interested in me or my life at all. They make decisions about the house without me and then just expect me to pay for things they buy for the house. One of them is a very good friend of ten years, and I think living with me has made him dislike me.
I've been spending a lot of time in my room alone lately because they seem to not want to talk to or see me. And I don't really want to see people who don't want to see me.
cw: transphobia/homophobia, unhinged parents, vent
Listening to my mom go on and on about how queer and trans folk need to be thrown into mental institutions because "they want to get extra privileges that 'normal' people don't even have to accommodate their disgusting lifestyles" and other things like "they're trying to rewrite our language by saying we're not allowed to say things like queer or [insert slur], like they're just words grow up!". Like please
, I am begging you for the sake of my mental healthDid my nails and blindly mixed a black with an iridescent top coat called “unicorn.” Ended up with kind of acid green/night sky color. Quite delightful and unexpected.
Damn I should've started injections nine years ago lmfao (along with progesterone I'm seeing some decent breast growth)
Thank you for your call, we are experiencing higher than normal call volumes...
I don't think I've called a big company since like 2009 where they weren't experiencing "higher than normal call volumes." On the one hand, it makes sense that I'd be calling during their busy times I guess. But every time?
car is fixed for reals this time
I'm really proud of myself for wearing a skirt in public all day yesterday, I felt quite cute. it probably helped that my partner was there, but tbh I realized I could have done it without her too
with how much I struggle to feel qualified for feminity with my body the way it currently is, this was a really good step. it'll definitely make the wait till surgery easier if I feel a bit better too :p
My dad really gives me
vibes sometimes, I swear. He saw that I was growing new hair, and said maybe he should get on E. Jokingly, of course, all in good fun. Would never actually do it, right? This is exactly how I started 
so...
This is mostly a bit, but I'm covering my bases and I wouldn't be surprised. Like, 2/4 kids are trans, can't this be somewhat genetic sometimes?
I'm looking up at the mirror on my bedroom door and I see a girl on her bed. It's freaking me out a bit but in a good way. This same human I've become so acquainted with seeing, I'm actually successfully conceptualizing her as a woman without going "ughghg but I look like a guy." This is so bizarre, but sooooooo cool
My wife stopped listening to Taylor Swift and started listening to Chappell Roan, and my god it's the beginning of a new era
thinking about that home made pesto pasta I had the otther day again. damn that shit was so good. fresh basil just has such a smell and absolute powerful verdant look to it in pesto
Think I wanna be Snufkin for Halloween, but, like, slutty
this man is a menace
nintendo sues palworld not for blatantly copied pokemon designs but for "patent violations"
gamefreak leaks
leaks full of pokemon x human lore
You know, actually, I think it's more like a gender roguelike
think I've found baseline, maybe
bottom dysphoria
Shaved my pubes for the first time and saw just much my dick stands out. It looks like it's a foreign object that doesn't belong there. It gave me more of a feeling how much bottom dysphoria I have, and it's more than before. I don't know how I'm going to have sex with guys with that thing in the way.
Talk of sex drive on estrogens, masturbation
Before I didn't like horniness on testosterone because of how often I felt the need to get off, and overall I think I'm some form of ace so that made it worse. On estrogen I rarely feel horney and its so nice. I can just go like 2 weeks without getting off and just be fine, and when I do get horny, I actually like it
bottom dysphoria, masturbation
Main problem is I still get erections. Even if I just stimulate the tip I still get them, so maybe a vibrator will help me idk. Just having a dick and balls just annoys me, and having to see them if I want to have fun times is frustersting.
Also I still get random erections and it sucks
nostalgia/regret?
I attended an event at my high school, and seeing people do things I used to do makes me feel a sense of nostalgia and simultaneously regret. I never thought I would feel like this, but the note that goes on the more I regret not transitioning earlier. I had most of the mental pieces I needed when I was in school, and I just wasn't able to get past certain mental blocks, or bring myself to care. I feel nostalgia, not entirely for what happened, but for what could have been, what I could have done, how much I could have lived. Instead I made my way through school mostly as a husk going through the motions, mistaking getting better at doing that for living.
I already came to terms with all of this, and I understand that things happen a certain way, and my life might have been different if I transitioned earlier. I could never resist thinking about alternate history, but now I do it for myself as well.
I once again posted before journaling. Sorry for venting 😅
Just got my new blow-dryer with a diffuser for curly hair!
Let's see how it performs
fourth lasering done, the doc continues to be surprised by my lack of reaction to pain, little does he know that my spine is tingling the entire time
anyway, the state will sponsor one more go and then I'll have to pay myself...and uhh, i checked the prices lmao no dice with my current monetary situation. Goddamn but i just adore this bullshit system we live under
I just had someone I normally respect tell me "I've only seen white people take your position" when I said that I wouldn't cast my vote for genocidal Democrats, were I an American. While they were also claiming that voting for Harris is critical to protecting the American trans community.
I can't even fathom a response to this.
had the energy to get some chores done in the garden today ^_^
Is there a difference between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia?
Is gender dysphoria like a subset of dysmorphia?
If a cis woman worries that she looks too masculine or a cis man frets about balding, do these count as gender dysphoria or dysmorphia?
What is the appropriate amount of worrying about one's appearance before it gets pathologized? Lol
I have a cute outfit I'm gonna wear tomorrow and I'm excited for that
I still miss sharing a bed with someone else 😭
Not even for sex or for cuddles, just the light snoring and warmth is what I miss the most
Thinking about how Dr K said people are more attracted to each other if they experience emotions together and analyzing my whole life through the lens of empathy. How I rarely am affected the same way by common situations and don’t have common feelings rub off on me. How I don’t know how to show other people how I’m feeling in a recognizable way if I am under the impression there is a common feeling. Basically explaining why being terminally online is easy and socializing in real life is not.
Curly's making the allstar team for cat hockey, his GAA% is fantastic
Some days I wish I was cis
Going places with family is always so confusing, fam always like that cashier/waitress was checking you out or flirting with you were you not interested?
is all I can say but even that isn't fair since some of my most spreadsheet/train loving friends got game. I've no clue how to flirt and when confided to friends of my crushes I'm just too subtle.Permanently Deleted
in a slump recently. zero spoons. send spoons. feels like the seasonal depression is just a binary switch that got flicked when the weather started to turn lol. i am chronically depressed but it will kick my ass worse during the winter. gonna try do some journalling or something mindful. love all my trans comrades
I hate bra shopping. I have been wearing the same bra for nearly 5 years. It is now too small because I switched to CPA (also it's old lol) and I am sore as hell and where I used to be ok wearing it all day now I need to get the silly thing off at 2pm. How do I even start shopping online? Last time I measured it was kind of all over the place since I didn't really have a round shape. I remember it being a fucking ordeal last time in a department store trying to find something that fit me. Since I just switched to CPA a month ago, is it better to wait until the pain settles before upgrading since I'm not sure how much development I have left in me?
Basically, how y'all measuring?
Very glad that I finally found the time to do this, had a lot of fun with this one. I think at this point I'm gonna give up even trying to have these be vaguely regular occurrences since it seems like I just can't do them when I have schoolwork the same week, but when I have a nice open slot of time I love to throw them together.
I just scheduled my first hair appointment under my girl name and she/her pronouns.
I've always hated getting my haircut, so I'm more than a little anxious about going. The salon is queer friendly, but it still took like an hour to work up the courage to schedule it. They even ask for pronouns in the booking interface.
My boss came back from a somatic experiencing thing and I feel like it gave her some kind of soul vision. she reads me so easy...
"It seems like there's something in you that you just need to shed..."
I wonder if she can tell and is just trying to prod me along. It feels weird to have such positive feelings for her because of the power dynamic and yet here I am
There's a solid layer of dirt on my face, except for where the KN95 mask was.
It's been so dry, and it makes leafblowing so dusty 😖
Uh oh it has only been 3 days since I was last high and I am craving weed again. I may have a problem here
My anxiety turned into rage, so today I’ll be alternating between
and 
.Went to a show last night that a bunch of people I know were working/performing in. Tons of compliments on the dress and there was a costume contest at the intermission. I fumbled the explanation of my costume but got to do a little runway walk and twirl, pull my skirt up, and flash my ass. Got a booty-specific compliment after that. Overall, highly recommend putting on your best shit and serving at the local weird performance space.
Fire Emblem, Trans Mentioned 🏳️⚧️
You know I'm not ashamed of the way I dress, Corrin. And I feel I should show that confidence and pride in public. The only way the world will grow more tolerant is to see people like me. ...See us living, loving, and being both our unique selves and quite ordinary. When we're not invisible, we can become part of the pattern—woven into the fabric.
-- Forrest in a support conversation with Corrin (the avatar character)
This is the same game that doesn't allow for homosexual marriage unless it's a Corrinsexual, has gender-locked classes (including for this character, he has to wear masc clothes for certain classes), and has ZERO characters outside of the gender binary. The only gender-diverse representation in this game (Fire Emblem: Fates) is the character speaking the quote above, Forrest, a boy who's non-conforming in his gender presentation. What's cool about Forrest, though, is that he breaks the gender-lock on one of the specific classes that used to be locked to women (Troubadour, essentially a cleric on a horse). As I said above though, fuck him if he wants to be the butler/maid class, he has to experience dysphoria as a butler.
Doing some research on trans characters in Fire Emblem, and somehow one of the best examples comes from the disaster for the human race that was Fire Emblem: Fates. I can only think of one other decent example in the official series, Intelligent Systems needs to step up their game.
Got my epilator. The pain is significantly less than manual tweezing, so not bad at all. It's a cheaper one, so it needs to be plugged in and is a bit tough to clean, but I have been able to clear up my arms and hands at least.
EDIT: Also, when I use my cats come over and just watch me with concern. It's very cute.
Got myself a wireless keyboard to go along with my wireless mouse, I connected my computer to my tv so here I am typing like a big shot from bed
no more typing with the on screen keyboard@Luna@hexbear.net my gender carousel is going brrrrrrrrrrr again
Sent a text expressing my feelings to the girl I like and now I have to wait for a response, which is the worst thing about expressing your love...
God dammit the anxiety. At least it's not as bad as before I transitioned when I sought relationships primarily for validation.
It is actually impossible for me to keep my bangs out of my eyes right now. Really should try and trim them up or something.
about a week on prog now and oohhh, i think i'm feeling it now, Mr. Krabs
Update on talking to agency muckymucks about my transphobic coworker: he said the Facebook posts were accidental, and that he just has the technology aptitude of a boomer, and the real issue was him friending a coworker and getting caught.
Of course, he's also very explicitly ignoring all the trans women he works with here, so now I'm gathering accounts to bring that up to management.
Just hyperfocused together a flawless CPC hat and red book :3 The stitching is beautiful and the fabric just happened to be perfectly cut. I hope I’m not too sleepy for Halloween.
Had a pretty bad tummy ache all morning until I ate a banan 🤔
gonna have to use a less-salty vegan butter substitute next time I make shortbread
Wearing a black (vegan) leather skirt with a cami and denim jacket tonight. Didn’t think I would become a skirt woman, but here we are.
gemder <3
Another Jesus metaphor :madeline-stare:
I've developed a habit over the last month or so of getting nauseaus before I take and while taking my meds orally. Unsure why, but its frustrating given the amount I need to take in the morning
Re-styled my hair (mostly just changing where the part is) and did full makeup (eyeliner, concealer, foundation, light lipstick, mascara).
Hmm, I almost look like a girl. WAIT I ALMOST LOOK LIKE A GIRL
I do think I'm giving up on eyeliner though, that shit is difficult and after finally being able to do my makeup myself I'm not about to forsake it all to attempt liquid liner. Do have a brown eyeliner pencil I'm excited to try, as well as some color correction for the stuff that needs to get burned off later
I love that these emojis exist so much
Realizing that I don’t really get addicted to things, I just spend short periods really “stuck” on them. Thus, I must focus energy on avoiding unhealthy situations I get trapped in rather than trying to fight “temptation” once I’m trapped.
Saw epilator posting, and it reminded me that I might need to break it out again, and I dread the thought. Even though I have an IPL in my house, I didn't realize just how racist it could be. I thought it just wouldn't work if skin was darker, which OK, it's worth a try, my skin isn't pale white but it's not super dark either, but apparently IPL can BLEACH SKIN??? Please tell me this doesn't actually happen most of the time
This Halloween turned out to be pretty good, possibly the best I've ever had. Ended up hanging out with my sister and one of her friends, and it was so much fun. Ended up actually wearing a costume as well, which I wasn't expecting to be able to do!
Burst into tears of various different emotions, I just haven't felt like this in a long time, if I've ever at all, and I was totally expecting this Halloween to be just another day.
Thanks, sis
oh fuck...
MY SCHOOLWORK THAT'S DUE IN 2 HOURS
texting the weed guy for a treat for halloween... been on a 6 week break which I think is my longest in 5 years lol, excited to see how my body reacts
Humans are peculiar creatures.
Have the machine girl "guys" transitioned yet?
CW: Family trouble, dysphoria, sad
Spending time this weekend with my family visiting for the thesis defense has been painful. I'm not out to them yet, so this is just the "regular" nagging and disrespect I see from them, my father and one of my sisters especially. Finally had the courage to tell off my dad, at least via text, although the message was softened.
I've spent the last two hours wanting to cry. The tears are welling up, but they don't release. This should be a happy weekend. I put in so much effort and time and I just feel so bad.
My last post: you ever do something gender affirming and it makes you feel worse?
Tonight's post: you ever do something gender affirming and you FUCKIN nail it!? Feeling real good. Got the makeup right and my hair is on point.
Anyone recommend a good lightweight spray to get my curls to stay around all night? I don't want something very stick. Thanks~
Outside a planned parenthood waiting for it to open so I can do my HRT consult thingy. They never sent me a confirmation email so if I woke up at 5:45 on my day off only to be told to schedule a new appointment for two weeks from now I'm gonna be might upset
Trying to focus all my anxiety on that element of this rather than all the other scary parts
Holy mother of shitballs batman! My twatwaffle brain is giving me a heckin gender dysphoriarino
crying incoherently about "girls pretty" again
tired
How did I get stuck working another fall back over night AGAIN.
Rosieposting 🌹🐈⬛💕🐒
Do not touch Rosie's monkey
It is hers
Looking at myself in the work meeting video call and can’t stop thinking about how much better I’d look with some eyeshadow 🤔
🎵No shadow
No stars
No moon
No cars
NovemberIt only believes
In a pile of dead leaves
And a moon
That's the color of bone 👻💀listening to weezer blue album 30 year anniversary. i have thoughts and i will post them
weezer 30 year anniversary review in as few words as possible - DISC 1
my name is jonas - not problematic but emblematic of the Weezer desire to be a boy man playing with toys
no one else - this one is like half an Across the Sea. the chorus is so fucked. i'm convinced Rivers Cuomo would keep a woman on a leash if he could get away with it as a public figure
the world has turned and left me here - i still love this one. i don't know if it's the instrumentation or knowing that Rivers Cuomo was sad when he wrote it but it's one of my favs off this album
buddy holly - I Am Sick Of Buddy Holly
undone (the sweater song) - i am also sick of this one but less so. i also don't like imagining Rivers Cuomo naked
surf wax america - it's not the same style as a Beach Boys song but it gives me the same feeling. i love this song so much, the "all along the undertow" part is my fav
say it ain't so - this song was very important to me as a kid and helped me process a lot of emotions. i'm sick of it now but it's good
in the garage - this is my favorite weezer boy man toy song. i still sing along to the chorus
holiday - vampire weekend had a better song called Holiday. this is a genuine 5/10 and is like drinking room temperature water, to me.
only in dreams - this is one of the standouts on this album and i love it to this day. it's just slow and meditative, you get to sit with it for like 7 minutes. dreamlike. perfect
my name is jonas live version - slow it down, weezer. for christ's sake. it was too much
in the garage live version - the organ on this one is fucking cool. i really like how they transformed the song
no one else live version - it sounds different and i would like to believe it's because Rivers Cuomo sees himself at age 50 still singing this song
surf wax america live version - i still love it :) good job to the fellas. edit: the organs make this song omg. what the fuck
buddy holly acoustic/live - imagine going to the shittiest party ever and you see people sitting in a circle singing buddy holly. that's this song
undone sweater song live acoustic - i actually really love them breaking down buddy holly from before at the beginning. the sound is very modest mouse. they are very sad and contemplative about the sweater, even 30 years later
Impressed the cashier with my sheer brain muscles by confidently adding up to 20
walked out the store with 16 lbs of spaghetti with such confidence and swagger. This is how hunter gathers felt after a successful hunt I feelI'm making a chart for the reasons I would/wouldn't want to start HRT. Listed below are just my personal preference. Could you suggest things for the list that I missed or correct my misconceptions?
chart
Benefits
-
Softer/clearer skin
-
Keep the hair on my head
-
Thin out body hair
-
Fat redistribution
-
Emotional changes
-
Changes in sex drive
-
Bein a certified cutie~
Neutral
-
Breasts (this is sometimes in benefits depending on my mood)
-
Changes to penis function
Negatives
- Reduced muscle mass/strength
- More routines I have to follow 😴
-
Well, she responded and said she only wants to be friends. Not my ideal outcome but it's one I can accept. There are many forms love can take, and friendship is one of them.
Maybe she'll change her mind in the future. I won't count on it though. Eventually I'll find someone else who meets my expectations, though it could be some time before that happens considering how high she's set the bar. I will except nothing less though.
Looking through my journal, as I do whenever the date is somewhat significant. Went back to June/July era, and I was so cute and hopeful
. I was excited to get on HRT because it would make me look pretty (my words, not mine), and I screamed (wrote in all caps) that my breasts were going to grow (again, my words, not mine). These two phrases essentially lined a whole page of my composition notebook of a journal, I was so hyped! Well, look at me now, making progress 
I'm still hopeful for the future, very much so, but I've lived like this for a few months now. It feels like an amazing new normal. There's just something about it being new, though. The extreme levels of enthusiasm, excitement, and hope I recorded, while at the same time wondering what's on the other side, not knowing what's to come. It's better now, but it's amazing to look back on how I was a few months ago.
TL;DR, start keeping a journal if you don't already. It can serve many purposes, and it allows for looking back at the good things, and venting about the bad things. I never thought I would be able to journal, and that I wasn't much of a journalist, but I started, made it a thing I did every day, and I've only missed two days in my approx. 175 days of journaling.
I'm doing the thing again, where I'm excited to go get my blood work done, get my E dose raised, and get a new medication. In reality, either nothing will fundamentally change (TM) with E, or it will get lowered again. Still hoping I might be able to get prog, although I believe that means I have to drop last time's new med (Spiro).
it's halloween!
hope everyone is doing well
watched too many make some noise shorts on youtube and my cheeks hurt from all the silent laughing i had to do
Up.late gaming with tha boys 😎
my hilarious new twist on the current hawk tuah trend
cawk puah, shit on that thing
mood
rizzler just opened his mouth, someone get him on jim fallon right now
We interrupt your posting to make an important accouncement:
I think I'm officially following
thought. It's time to admit to myself that AMAB (all men are bad) is not true. It's time to include them into the theoretical framework as well 
I say theory because in terms of praxis, there is no praxis, but there wasn't praxis for anything, soooo...
bit
Doesn't matter, romace and especially sex are revisionist anyway, and go against the volcel oath I pride myself upon. I will uphold it, for my sake, for the sake of the immortal science of Marxism-Leninism, as well as its highest and most developed stage, Marxism-Leninism-Maoism
Oh yeah, also beginning to cook my mega post a month in advance. There's no way I'm going to finish FE: TMGC in a month with how busy I am, so it's going to be something a bit different 🧐
Damn I'm really tired 🥱
Have a Good Night and a Happy Halloween, everyone!
Countries aren’t real, they were invented by Count Traë at the congress of Westphalia to sell more treaties
It's not even November yet and we get out first snowstorm plus it's already pitch black for half the day... Ugh 😫 how do people NOT get seasonally depressed?
shitpost
"We've actually got their joie de vivre up right here..."
💊👩⚕️
🏥⚕️📉 🩺
"What's it say?"
"It says you're gay."
"...fuck!"
me's weird morning, CW anxiety, drugs
So I was sick the past few days. I ate some stuff that made me feel weird, and it kinda broke my digestive system. Meal planning fail. We banned that recipe, don't worry.
I've also been really stressed the past few days. To the point where I have been having nightmares where I'd wake up in a panic - one of them was even about a time I was in middle school and went to sit down with my friends for lunch and they all got up and walked away after I sat down - classic... lots of causes for this anxiety that I won't list here, but I have to do some big changes at work soon and it's been eating me how to accomplish that is a big one.
Last night I didn't sleep very well (just like the nights before), and when I woke up again today and felt my stomach just hurting again (this is probably eating food too heavy last night) I knew I had to call in sick. So I did, decided to watch someone play both Zelda CDi games (lol, you have to bomb the boulders ten times, fucking classic, gets 'em every time, tbh I think I like Wand of Gamelon better it feels more like a world than Faces of Evil).
But Partner suggested I try this CBD gummy thing since he takes them to help him sleep when he starts to get insomnic phases. 25mg. Usually it doesn't do anything for me at all, so I just kinda wrote it off. Plus, it's not psychoactive anyway (CBD isn't supposed to be), but I was desperate and I trust him.
At some point after taking it, my tummy stopped hurting (I'm relatively sure this was made way worse by anxiety), and I started to relax a bit?? Then I finally was really tired. Eventually I slept and had three dreams that would normally hugely provoke anxiety (if you're curious, 1. Having a difficult conversation with my boss, 2. wasps being anywhere near me, 3. being in a crowded public place with people looking at me, also with my mom, this last one was great, I was kinda just proud of who I was??) but was totally zen. I woke up feeling the long-coveted feeling of "no matter what happens in the future, I will be okay." fuck how do I get like this all the time, fuck anxiety tbh lol
Chat, for a good few hours I had no anxiety. I didn't realize how bad it had built up recently, but for a few hours it was completely gone. I had some bad experiences with THC recently, and like I said the CBD shit never really does anything for me usually as far as I knew, but today I am glad for the funny plant.
Or maybe it was watching the vids, idk, lol. End post
Gonna continue to hype myself up for my ability to count and read, we in the confidence arc
tonight I'll read a physical book for 10 minutes.Not gonna lie, having some semblance of a skincare routine feels pretty good, even if it's just washing my face, applying makeup, wiping makeup off, washing face, and then applying aftershave after I shave and after I wash my face. It's kind of fun, and not annoying and painful. Death to body/facial hair, shaving (or epilating) is not nearly as fun
Made my puter a bit stronger by turning some stuff off and I can play around with dolphin pretty good. Got back into playing sonic and the secret rings
the game is so good and anyone who says it's bad just sucks at playing. Beat it before with the wiimote on og hardware now playing with a controller is even more fun 
. I was set for a while 100%ing all the 3d sonic games so with the adventure games done, heroes, and shadow and 06 now I move on to finishing the storybook games.Mario teaches typing taught me how to type just now, been yelling at my mic this whole time and let me tell you have to say
every part of the emoji to get it to display was annoyingMade some bread and the way I scored it looks like a
Good Night Mega :niko-yawn:
Before disco elysium I've talked to myself in my head plenty with distinct voices but after I played the game I've realized I can have even more voices going
it takes some effort to get going and fuck me whenever someone interrupts because it take a while for me to pull it back together but damn if it isn't funReally enjoying Dragon Age Veilguard, playing the German dub with subs, no idea what the English version sounds like
The trans inclusive character creator is great, one of my favorite character creators, the graphics are beautiful and it runs really well on my computer 🏳️⚧️
... ... ...
Please help Aya in Gaza ❤️ 🇵🇸https://gofund.me/1222af19Please help Mahmoud from Gaza ❤️ 🇵🇸https://gofund.me/5156f6e9"I post better when I'm tired" still being a fact of life for me. Maybe I was meant to be sleep-deprived and without energy...
Happy Halloween!
Hope it’s a good one.
@Luna@hexbear.net yeah, so, I didn't journal lol
I took up too many projects, lots of home decoration, I finally put up curtains so they look half decent and had to repair the frame first, redid the hideous particle board counters with some AE wallpaper (so far so good), and the other day I wallpapered the bathroom since my aunt doesn't want me to paint the atrocity, I managed to win a bid on a bunch of laptops to part out and flip or maybe even use, I need to do body work on my rusty new old truck, and I have too many hours at both jobs. Idk what I was thinking I'm going to die.
That's just the start of the projects, there was also rearrange furniture in my room while my dad babysits my cat since she wouldn't stand for it. I need to get all the bs done in my room before I have to collect my cat or else she'll flip out.
Going on a show called “The Ultimatum” when your relationship is only a year and a half old is kind of crazy to me.
What are you so desperate about?And all was right in the world...
At least for many living in the U.S.
Death to DST
Banger Halloween
upsetting
Saw a term I was unfamiliar with, I should not have investigated further. I am once again committing to myself to never learn anything new again. The world is awful and people are capable of being monsters. I need to forget some how. Maybe some minecraft will distract me.
This has to be one of the most upsetting things I have read about. Not productive to compare, but it is up there.
>take depression nap
>still depressed Maybe I won't be so dysphoric tomorrow.venting I guess
Still no girl clothes, still no E, hardly anything has changed. For being a big deal I haven't done much. Typical, dragging my feet. At least 6 months into this. I don't know why I can't do anything, ever. 6 months is so much time. How embarrassing.
self harm
god the urge to just rip into my skin. I keep thinking about my biggest sh, how it looked, how it felt, replaying that moment... very healthy and normal behavior, as always.
Why does feeling better mean the horny comes back
Nice sometimes but this is a bit much.
you unlock this after beating all 326 routes, last story and expert mode in shadow the hedgehog 05. I've done it so y'all can believe me 
those are some of the best dreams I've had 
Got so many compliments and some creepy old men staring at me, which i’ll still take as a win.
and doing what I could to evade capture. My spirit was still strong I was a badass mollusk 
I don't know if I'm gullible or naive, is it childlike wonder/innocence 
or I'm just dumb 
I'm middle aged (32) if that helps.
I've no real use for it but prob beats being a gamer
hehe... hammers
