This isn't really a neurotypical vs atypical thing. Some people are just assholes and want to exert control over others/don't value the reasoning of others.
A reason is an explanation. An excuse is an attempt to shift responsibility.
Many people will create a disingenuous reason to absolve themselves of responsibility.
For instance, if someone sleeps in and leaves home 15 minutes late in the morning and arrives to work late, they may honestly say, "traffic was terrible on highway 7." And while it's true that if traffic had magically been nice that day they'd have made it on time, the honest reason they're late is because they slept in. The traffic is their excuse.
Not autistic, but I teach people with mild cases of autism.
The "excuse" I most often hear is that they haven't started doing the work they're supposed to be doing, because they didn't have their computer there.
That's less of a reason and more of an excuse, because the solution is easy for these kids. "Go get the computer". They know they can, and in fact often do.
The real reason is that they'd rather sit and chat with their friends instead of doing work (who doesn't?), and if they were honest about that, I'd appreciate it a lot more.
Often, I guess you could equate an excuse to a "bad reason".
I think some people just aren’t looking for a answer, they just want to bitch.
This is most often when there’s nothing wrong with the way you’ve done something, it’s just not the way they do it.
If you ask my why and then go on about how you dont want excuses, the convo is over.
They practice this crap in the mirror to make themselves sound cool and be a bully.
So, preface - not neurotypical, but I dont really struggle with this sort of thing personally. At least I think so lol.
An excuse is a reason. One dictionary definition is "a reason that you give to explain why you did something wrong." When you have done something wrong, people don't usually want the reasons. They want contrition, or help resolving it. Also note another dictionary definition - "a false reason that you give to explain why you do something." There is a perception that any reason given after doing something wrong may well be false, intended to deflect blame rather than genuinely explain. In general, there are times when it is appropriate to explain, and times when it is not.
It's frustrating that someone would directly ask why you did something while not wanting an answer, but when people are stressed or frustrated - i.e. when something has gone wrong - they do sometimes just lash out with questions designed to accuse rather than to elicit an actual answer. The question: "why did you do it this way", from someone who is angry, might really mean: "I'm angry with you because I can't fathom what reason you could possibly have for doing it this way, now that it has gone wrong." The solution isn't to provide that answer, it's to resolve whatever the problem is and let them calm down. There may come a point when explaining the reason is appropriate later.
Outside the specific context of the question - in general, if something bad happens as a result of your actions, explaining them isn't the first thing you should do. First apologise, then try to resolve whatever the problem is. You can talk reasons later, it definitely can be helpful to understand how things went wrong... But only if you have the intention of trying to avoid it in the future. If you come off as trying to deflect blame... That's going to be perceived as an excuse. Accept the blame first, and your reasons will be more likely accepted as an attempt to avoid future problems.
I think the implication is that a reason is out of your control, while an excuse is of your own doing.
Like say you slept in and were late for work. If you slept in because of a medical condition or the power went out and your alarm didn't go off, it's a reason. If you slept in because you stayed up too late or forgot to set your alarm, it's an excuse.
Not that the two terms aren't interchangable in a lot of cases.
I really dislike rhetorical questions.
<not autistic person>
The way I use those words:
A reason is a cause for an event or a thought process that caused a decision.
An excuse is one of:
- a true reason why a person did a bad thing
- an explanation (true or false) why the cause of events or decisions was somebody else’s actions, not the speaker’s actions
- an explanation (true or false) pretending to be a reason, that isn’t actually the true cause of the event or decision
If I said, “don’t give me any of your excuses” to somebody, I would be meaning all of:
- something bad happened and I think it’s your fault
- I want you to agree with me that it’s your fault and accept blame
- I think you have a pattern of not seeing (or not admitting) that your actions cause bad things, and that’s happening again now
This is a bunch of very negative stuff to be meaning. It could be whoever said that is an asshole, blind, or unfair. If they treat everybody with negative shit like this that’s likely and there’s just no winning with such a person.
I actually have said stuff like “don’t give me excuses” to my kids. I think I’m not an asshole. When I said it, I thought my kid was flailing about doing dumb shit without thinking. What I meant for my kid was, “I want for you to start thinking about how a chain of events fits together, and I want you to accept you have the ability and the responsibility to see a bad outcome forming, and to take actions to make a better outcome instead.”
They never wanted a real answer. Just to flex their tiny portion of power over you.
Excuses are "this is why I'm not at fault" and places the blame on someone or something else (including a circumstance). A reason is "this is why it happened" without trying to self-justify. A lot times reasons come across as excuses because the person has not taken responsibility for what they've done.
If a reason doesn't come with ownership of fault, it's an excuse.
Edit: see comment below about fault and responsibility
A reason is an explanation although not all explanations are reasonable.
An excuse is an attempt to justify a reason/explanation.
Excuses are used when the expiation is not reasonable.
An excuse removes responsibility.
A reason does not.
"You are excused" means you no longer are responsible for the outcome.
"I literally wasn't present when it happened, so I'm not responsible for the outcome" < excuse, which can be valid
"I knew what was going to happen, here is why I did it for a good reason" < reason
Example: three kids are present, 2 are graffiti'ing the back of a house
When caught, 1 kid says "I was trying to stop them, they wouldn't listen". This is an excuse, they're claiming they aren't at fault and not responsible for the graffiti.
Another says "the home owner deserved it, he's an asshole", this is a reason as they are clearly not avoiding responsibility.
When you try and use an excuse to get out of something thar you clearly are responsible for, that's when you will get served the "I dont want an excuse" line.
When someone talks they're telling you something about themselves, not about you. They might be telling you what they think about you, but that's something they think, not something you are.
In this case there are two things going on. One is the reason vs excuse, which is a blurry line vaguely separated by accountability and how much control you had over the situation.
The second and most important is that your boss is telling you he's an asshole who is more interested in making you feel bad than salvaging this situation and improving on the future.
That's the difference between nt and nd. Most nts will pick up on the fact that the boss is an asshole and there was never a correct answer. Nds on the other hand are more likely to internalize the situation wondering what they did wrong and how to improve future outcomes because they assume the criticism was honest and well reasoned and that there was a correct response.
The expectation of honest and productive exchange is unfortunately something assholes often abuse to bully neurodivergent individuals.
It's not a neurotypical thing, it's an asshole thing.
"Go fuck yourself" is probably the response you're looking for. Or maybe just ending the conversation.
The mistake here is that the person explaining is interested in things like being correct or promoting efficiency while the adversary is only interested in hierarchy and dominating the explainer within their social context. That's the miscommunication happening.
It’s a problem even for those of us who are neurotypical (my son is not which is why I follow this community also, so as he gets older I can understand better).
But as someone said, bosses especially will say this and they really just want you to say it was your fault.
In my mind, the difference is if you are excusing the behavior.
“I’m sorry I’m late, I missed my alarm” is an explanation because I’m not excusing the behavior, just explaining.
“I’m late because my alarm didn’t go off” is an excuse because I’m asking to excuse the behavior.
That said, excuses seem to have this bad reputation as being just a reason for laziness, but they really shouldn’t as they can be valid.
Example, my work requires 2FA to log in, which I get via a text. I use a local carrier and “our vendor who handles texting went down”. In that sense, that was my excuse for being late getting logged in - and it wasn’t laziness.
It's not just you, neurotypicals on the receiving end of that hate it too. Everyone gets told that garbage line once in a while. It's always said by someone on a power trip, they're trying to put you down into a place beneath them
I think this person asking you is really trying to tell you you did something the wrong way, but in a less direct manner, because directness is considered "rude" in some cultures.
If they ask for an explanation and complain about being given an excuse, then they don't want to hear the series of events which occurred. They want to hear which of your character flaws is responsible and that you're ashamed of that flaw.
Source: drag speaks fluent neurotypical
This exchange centers on excuse vs explanation.
An excuse intends to justify or remove blame.
An explanation simply retells the events without motivation or justification.
If someone ever says "I don't want your excuse" simply reply "I'm explaining what happened without excusing anything. Would you like to hear that?"
Every excuse is a reason, but not every reason is an excuse.
There are genuine good reasons for things not going as planned. Like things being outside of your control.
But if it was inside your control, and you could definitely have made it go as planned, but you didn't. Then your reason is an excuse.
(got put in wrong place. Edited and put in correct place for proper response)
When I get that line, I end the conversation. As politely as is just necessary.
I refuse to be scolded and lectured like a child, and if it's a work setting, I would probably fire off a couple resumés that very evening.
I'm too old to demean myself in the workplace. I am of equal value as everyone else in the company, even if somemakeare paid more money and can assign tasks to me. That doesn't make them higher-ups.Holy crap I feel seen! I always wondered this also!
I absolutely hate when people say shit like that, and I will 100% tell management in front of everyone "If you just want someone to blame, that's fine but don't ask me to explain something and then get pissy like a child when I do exactly that."
Because that's exactly what they are doing.
And I will not participate in such assery.
Oh, yeah, I think it's just a speech figure to win the debate.
Some boss-normies constantly do this to up the pressure and you stress levels.
I just stated to either fully ignore such questions or give beck bullshit one-liners ('bcs I know what I'm doing', 'it was the best resources allowed', 'bcs I deliver & achieve goals, and this one is achieved', etc.).
But it's all just leader bullshit.
excuses lend themselves to lengthy explanations. reasons are more succinct and pertinent
Imho, an excuse is just an invalid reason, and that varies person to person and situation to situation.
I work in a role that has customer service elements, and sometimes there is no difference. Some people just want to be angry. CEO types are the worst about this, where an “excuse” is any less than perfect reason (from their ungrounded point of view) and a reason is whatever they accept, and usually their mind has already been up. Perfection or perish.
On the other hand, if I was late to work, and my manager asked why, and I said “Oh, there was a major wreck on the freeway” he would say “oh, that’s fine” knowing I often get to the office a little early because I add in an extra 20 minutes for traffic, since that usually gets me into the office in time due to how unpredictable my commute times tend to be.
The director at my first job, would not give a flying fuck, and would exclusively say “stop making excuses, you should have left earlier” if i was like two minutes late for any reason, even if a normal person would go “oh ok, that’s fine”
As for dealing with other people, it's subjective. If they're not satisfied with your answer, it's an excuse to them.
To be a bit more specific, I'd say there are two factors at play, which are of course hard for the other person to judge, especially if they're a manager not involved in the task itself:
- If you can reasonably perform the task as expected despite the obstacle, it's probably an excuse. If you can't, it's almost certainly a valid reason.
- If you wanted to perform the task as expected, then something that caused you to not do so is likely a valid reason. If you didn't want to, then you're more likely to be using an excuse.
Of course, it also depends on the priority level of the task. If your sibling asks for a glass of water and you get them a mug because there are no glasses in the cabinet, those stakes are low enough that it's a valid reason even though you could have checked the dishwasher or washed a glass yourself.
Yeah I mostly just lie and something like "I just do it the way my brain does it." Because "I don't want excuses" is all I heard for years growing up, so ok I will not provide any further to you.
Reasons are explanations for actions. Eg. "The reason I was late turning in my homework is that I had to got to the hospital".
Excuses are explanations for actions (aka reasons) that are not socially justifiable. Eg. "The reason I was late turning in my homework is that my friends invited me out for drinks".
The hard part is that jackasses will view even valid reasons as excuses, because to them any factors negatively impacting you are not more important than the end result being achieved.
More often than not it's more appropriate to say "I misunderstood, how should it have been done?" or "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I'll be more careful" which may or may not include an apology depending on whether you inconvenienced someone else.
