Thanks so much to everyone here for all your support over the last year or so. It's been a hell of a ride, and I'm super gratefulโค๏ธ
And thank you to the crew that came out tonight. It was an absolute pleasure hanging out with you guys and having you there made a really big difference โค๏ธ
So I need to just put this somewhere. With my skin condition dramatically worsening by the day I returned to the GP, who looked as shocked as I felt. The odd little bumps/sores have become open weeping ulcers and spread over my biceps and thighs. He has taken swabs and is testing for Buruli/Bairnsdale ulcer and faxed an urgent referral to a local specialist. I feel emotionally yukky but physically there's no pain at all, just when I sweat it stings. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm pretty depressed.
Really over the anxiety/depression :/ just deep unease all of today and now feeling really glum and dull about everything. I even walked to work in the sun this am, and work was productive, but I still felt detached and fuzzy. Cough still rattling around too. I don't think taking a sick day is going to help as I'll just be unsettled all day.
No suitable rentals have popped up so far on my radar. Registered interest in a couple but no updates yet.
Ugh. I managed to buy some veg on the way home, I'll force myself to make a pasta dish and eat it and crawl into bed to dissociate on the phone for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow is a new day...
E: soxcat is still here as her human won't be back til Monday. It's saying something that I can't even feel that happy around her, but she's been snuggling up against me lots. And left a whisker on tgr couch for me - that's good luck isn't it?
Little bit of a rambling. I'm sitting here writing notes, made a mistake so I scrubbed it out and then I realised I can erase it out because it's an erasable gel pen. Then I remembered the old pen rubbers that did diddly squat but rip your paper so everyone used liquid paper instead. Got me thinking.
What has come a long way (for the better) since your childhood?
Odd question, but do ya'll ever plan out other lives for yourself? Occasionally I'll just sit on realestate and and look shit up. Might be like "alright, if I split with the mrs can I afford to buy a unit? where am I gonna live?" or "Fuckit, lets all move up to bright! I hate it here, alright what can we afford?"
I find it really therapeutic for some reason. These alternate lives I'll never live out.
wandered up to the broadbents around the corner with our garden trolley and oh my god we are gonna do so much damage at that place. Landscape supplies within a five min trolley stroll that sell shittons of good quality compost and mulch? mwah. Mwahahhaha. MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
So pissed off with myself. I bought a Squishmallow a while back thinking it would cheer me up but all I can think of is how much it cost and Iโm afraid to get it dirty. I could have sewn something myself from an open source pattern if I wanted something that bad.
Same with the old secondhand tv. I hoped it would help to get dvds to watch but itโs awkwardly large for my space and I wouldnโt have had to pay if Iโd been more careful and didnโt let my original tiny one get nicked.
Also my energy bills are higher than they should be because disability leads to using a lot of hot water for pain management and a (low efficiency secondhand) dryer to reduce the exertion of tasks.
Donโt get me started on the food dealโฆ
Iโm managing ok still but am getting really irritated at the areas Iโm not able to min-max. It feels so wasteful.
feeling OK today. You know that scene in the last air bender where Aang opens up his chakras? felt very similar (embarrassingly) to that. I'm not sure I believe in that stuff but its just what it felt like. First time I sort of bounced off the "avatar state" (or whatever the fuck the end goal of whatever this journey my mind is trying to take is). But I tried again and sort of got that connection. Was nice.
I just had this voice in my head go "Be brave, dig deep". The music hit the right note and I just sort of fell into it.
I guess I should get around to voting in local council elections although I really CBF. I personally think local council should be abolished, and duties transferred to a new state government department. That way all the pissy little mini contracts done by councils can all be amalgamated.
Also I need to make dinner and I am hungry, but I'm also too lazy to make it.
I really need to work out an easy way to protect my seedlings from snails during that vulnerable time, I swear they can smell the new sprouts. Clear plastic tub as a makeshift hothouse might be the go.
I canโt eat the produce myself but want to grow some food for a friend.
Ordered some more kitty treatsโฆ theyโre expensive due to allergies. I wonder if there was spare energy I could make some at home
I need to go and pick up my car from being serviced. It will either work out well, or I will be caught in a storm half way through my walk and come home soggy. ๐ค