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  • Let's we we have:

    • No discernable plot
    • "Goofy" B list celebrities
    • Music that they were hoping would pull in the older generation that they gave a sizable chunk of the budget for
    • Irreverence to the source (you can do anything you want! In a format where literally you can change nothing!)
    • "A" ______ movie, meaning they're desperately hoping for a franchise.

    Yup, sounds like we got all the fixings for a turd. Anything I'm missing?

    • Anything I'm missing?

      I’ll make a few predictions based on the trailer and the most formulaic movies of the past couple decades (at least).

      • Nerdy/not-nerdy white boy protagonist. Probably, neglected or misunderstood and teased for his interest in Minecraft
      • Smart-ass girl who is mean to boy but will eventually support and encourage him. Likely to have a deep knowledge of some subject that will play a critical roll.
      • Big, oafish man-child who lacks confidence but will learn he has value—probably through physical strength—that will save the team at some point.
      • Hero who has lost faith and confidence in himself and has given up the cause. Will have his faith restored by the children and find the strength to defeat or help the boy defeat the bad guy.

      Edit: oh, snap I forgot:

      • sassy black woman who provides comic relief and, possibly, motherly care and/or wisdom. Potential to become romantically entangled with oaf or hero.

    • Anything I'm missing?

      Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle & Jumanji: Next Level could be described the same way, they made ~$900 million & ~$800 million respectively.

      I use them as a reference because this looks like Jumanji: A Minecraft Movie.

      Sure, Minecraft will have a higher CG budget, but Minecraft also has a HUGE built-in audience. So they'll be making plenty of money.

      But also, those Jumanji movies were fine. You know the Sonic movies? They are silly, but ultimately fine.

  • So who is the big name star they got to ruin the movie?

    I was going to make a joke that it's Jack Black and before posting I went to look and yep JB and Jason Momoa. Uhh idk how I feel about JM doing voices.

    • Uhh idk how I feel about JM doing voices.

      Let me assuage your fears - Jason Momoa won't be doing voices. He will be portraying the character in live action in front of a green screen surrounded by CGI characters. How's that sound?

24 comments