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No Stupid Questions @lemmy.world

throwaways_are_for_cowards @lemmy.world

7mo ago

How the fuck do you meet new people?

I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn't really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.

Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can't be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I'm pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn't run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I'm broke as hell. I'm not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn't cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.

100 comments

- There's no meetup group for smoking weed and going back to sleep unfortunately. I already checked.
  
  There definitely is.
  
  Depends where you live! There's weekly/monthly cannabis events where I'm at. I've made some great friends at them!
  
  My dude, you can always start. I guarantee there's a group out there for you.
  
  In my day those were called Metal concerts

I just had a conversation about this, among other things. The thing is: we have no idea. Also I don't think Reddit-for-nerds (Lemmy) is that great of a place to ask this.
If you do get an answer, act upon it, and it works, please remember me and tell me.
- Some years ago reddit was the reddit for nerds. The demographic probably has shifted more towards normies by now.
  
  and bots
  
  my mom uses it all the time now so yeaaah
- 👋 second, please let me know. I've never been great with this.
  
  I have found great friends at school because I hang out with them all the time. Programs at school where I do studying and meeting new people.
  After graduating, I guess I might try meetup groups and such.

Basically you have to bond over a game, be it physical, like sports or board like regular board games or as many people mentioned here D&D. For sports, regardless of your skill level, there's a group. Beer leagues and such. Solo sports like mountain biking can work too but you have to be super consistent and really get into the sport where you have common ground.
If physical stuff is out of the question, then you have your board games. Even small towns have meetups.
The important thing is actually doing these. Friends don't just come to you and you have to be consistent. Most people don't just become friends in one or two sessions, it takes time and rapport building. And you can't always wait for others to initiate the friends part. You might have to be the one that goes "hey wanna grab some wings after this."
- I've learned about myself that I cannot engage with people personally. It's never me and them. It's gotta be us and the things we're doing. Usually a game.

Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.
That's it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is "Oh, hey! I like your jacket!" Or "Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!" (as said as I'm carrying a 24 pack).
Or "Whats goin' on my brotha from anotha motha???"
I'm not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it's my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.
Except I don't really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I'm sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.
- short question - do you mean Cleveland, OH, or Cleveland, TN, or Cleveland, TX, or Cleveland, GA?
  
  Cleveland is actually located in a pocket dimension. Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and Georgia (US) have portals into the Cleveland dimension.
  Fun fact: Cleveland is named so because a wizard cleaved a rift in space-time and built a city inside the cleave.
  
  Yes.
- Currently 72F. Scattered clouds, but it's not going to rain today.

Community college. Took a few classes I never would have normally chosen like art or acting. I was a stay at home introvert who was way past college days, so I couldn't figure out how to put myself into social situations. But I do like to learn, so signed myself up for some night classes. Ended up dating a few people, made new friends, and married one of them. Night classes bring in the adults who have to work during the day, a few kids too, but I met just about every age group from young to very old. Study groups, group projects, anything that will involve working with or helping classmates, or anything that you think is interesting really. Have life long friends now because of that decision.
Go back to where you first learned how to make friends, go back to school.
- Fuck Community College. Let’s get drunk and eat chicken fingers.
  
  Starburns already has a monopoly on the chicken.

I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition.
How weird, I'm going through the same exact thing as you. In my case I do have a circle of independent friends, but I've had trouble going from "friends" to "close friends". Honestly what I discovered was, that was my own doing. It's really easy to keep things on the surface with people, and not tell them what you are really struggling with.
Over the past few months I made a commitment to start being more open with my friends, and it's really opened my eyes to 1) how wonderful they are as people, and 2) how much people are willing to open up to you once you show them that you're willing to be a "trusted person".
Anyway this isn't what you asked, the way I met them was always through hobbies (music, martial arts), or friends of friends. I know you mentioned money is tight, so a hiking group or book club might be examples. You already know this, but IRL always beats online, atleast for me. Something about seeing other humans nourishes the soul in a way I can't quite understand.
- Hi, I'm not OP. I want to know, how do you become more open with people? I'm not asking you to spill your personal issues, rather, what sort of things you talk about that people consider "opening up"? I used to think I was open in general, but I'm starting to believe perhaps that's not the case.
  
  I started talking to them about my problems and feelings. I don't talk about my problems with them for the sake of trying to workshop a solution, but rather to share that I'm going through a difficult time. Socially, atleast where I come from, this isn't something that men normally do.
  Let me put it to you this way. You can have a long, entertaining conversation about video games for a few hours with your friends. But at the end of the day when you come home, do you know more about them? I'd argue that you learned more about their thoughts, but you didn't learn much about their feelings.
  I slowly became aware of this fact, after a long time in therapy. A friend would ask, "how do you feel about the election?" And I would respond, "I think politician A is going to win because..."
  This is no different than the video game conversation. Imagine if instead I had said "I feel a sense of dread about the upcoming election. I am scared that politican A is going to pass legislation that makes my life more difficult".
  That's such an awkward thing to say for me, because I'm so uncomfortable talking about how I feel. But the recognition that the wall exists is the first step, and the second is choosing to lead your life differently.
  Some of my conversations are "meta" with these friends: "Well, that was an interesting side tangent about steam engines. But I've been trying to make sure I check in with my friends more often about how they're feeling. How are you feeling today?"
  And yeah, my friends can sometimes also respond with their thoughts. So I just gently tug it along by then mentioning how I find their answer relatable, because I often respond with feel questions by stating my thoughts, but I am really interested in how they feel.
  My friends are quite receptive to this. I get the feeling it's because all people are craving more authentic connections, but are struggling with saying the vulnerable thing, and not wanting to look weak/stupid. I get it, because I'm the same way, but I'm looking to change that. If you can show them that you won't judge, possibilities start to open.

Pick any hobby that have group classes and show up consistently. Can be exercise, pottery or whatever. Regulars notice each other and you'll be in the "regular" category very fast.
Then go for a beer on Fridays or after practice or whatever and then take it from there.
- This sounds horrible to me, getting out there, interacting with strangers, but it is the truth. You can't just "make friends", or rather you can, but to "make" anything, a cake, a house, a friend, it takes time and effort.
  
  That's the beauty of it, you don't have to interact with anyone and if you want to become anonymous again just pick another hobby. However, if you get interested and don't want to quit the hobby you already have stuff to discuss that you're interested in.

i generally advise doing something and then finding people who like to do it too and then doing it with them. or you can become an alcoholic
- I'm not sure those two things are mutually exclusive

Ive moved around a bit as an adult. Ive found that hobby groups are great to make friends. If you show up every week and don't intentionally make anyone else feel shitty, you'll find that you have friends after a few months.
Ive done this with disc golf, ultimate frisbee, magic the gathering, dungeons and dragons.
If you show up regularly with the intention of having a good time, people will also show up with the intention of having a good time with you

I've made a lot of IRL friends online and at work.
If you're between jobs, consider doing something like Americorps. People of all ages do it, not just young folks, and its temporary. I think of it as summer camp for adults, but you get paid and in some cases housing.
Back in 2017 I was super into VR. IDK what the communities are like now, back then the demographics were older, but I got a big social fix from it. An oculus quest 2 or 3 is affordable. Almost all the best games are social, "face to face" talking. It's like having a public arcade in your closet.
I made the most friends back in 2011 by posting art online and commenting on other artists' things. People love chatting about their hard work. I ended up meeting loads of them in person. If you can find a space of creatives, whether it's a bluegrass club, DND, discord book club, whatever, you'll have a good time.
And, don't beat yourself up about being lonely. Life moves in cycles. Remember, it just takes meeting one extrovert to suddenly gain a crap ton of friends. Or, maybe you'll collect them one by one. Regardless, I feel you. Be well.

First thing I would do is do some work on myself. Get a job that you are comfortable with (or even like if possible), start working out and eating right, get your own place (sounds like you might be staying with your parents from the post), and do the mental work to take accountability for things you can improve on in the way you have interacted in relationships.
The last one was the hardest for me after my big break up, but it took a lot of very intentional work to realize that I had a lot to change in order to be a good partner. If you want the woman of your dreams, you need to be the kind of man who deserves her.

Rural is difficult. Do you need to live out in the middle of nowhere? Work and kids activities (I have lots of kids) are the main ways I've met people but cities are full of many different people, in the outlying areas you may literally know everyone in town already, there aren't new people to meet.
If you are up for it, a whole new start might be good for you. Maybe apply for jobs in a nearby city?

Do things you actually enjoy doing, the friends and other things will come naturally. Don't do things to try and make friends. Do things you like and the friends will come to you. No matter where you live you can find something you enjoy doing

Sooo I was kinda in your shoes a few months ago, and decided I really needed to do something about it before I lost my goddam mind. What I'm doing (and it's kinda working) is to find a community that interests you, and persistently be involved in it. I personally found a streamer on Twitch and a few Discord communities, and hang out with those people by generally just being there and having small interactions with others. We watch the same things and play the same games in voice chat. It really helps to have some sort of common activity that you can comment on and springboard your experiences or stories. You don't have to be that guy that's obnoxious and in everyone's face, just pay attention to the people in these groups and be super friendly. I've found a few acquaintances and am working on knowing them better to become friends. You'll remember names and interesting things about them, or be like me and take notes so you don't forget lmao. Eventually, they'll say "Hi <name!> It's nice to see you again. How was your day?" and then you know you're on the right track.
Socializing is hard, especially when you're not used to it and in this online era. If you're friendly and attentive, people will reflect that energy back to you, and you will form bonds. Good luck!

Aside from meeting people at work, Ive only manually made friends twice. Once I found a hobby store that was near enough where they ran dungeons and dragons groups that were low pressure, so I was able to jump in and get taught and it was a good time!
The other was that I used reddit's "gamerpals" sub to find someone to play with. Went through maybe three clunkers and actually ended up playing with a dude that I still play with weekly and is my friend.
- Do we have a gamerpals or LFG community here on Lemmy? This is a good plan and you're not the only one suggesting D&D.
  
  We really should, Lemmy is d&d community light atm
  
  I'm not sure, but honestly in the interest of having the highest chance to meet someone since your happiness is important, I would use reddit for the amount of people in the pool, then just leave after that lol.
  
  If you find such a community, I would be very interested in hearing about it.

I had great luck with meetup.com. All kinds of groups and people, and most people are "new to the group" making things more natural. I have since developed a friend group and a SO from those gatherings and events.
- It also tends to skew older from what I've seen. Might be great for OP, not so great for someone in their twenties or early thirties.

First off, feel you man. Must be rough.
About meeting new people, you could look into trips in the future with groups, a friend of mine met at least one person he keeps in touch with. Maybe there are some free/not too expensive hobbies you could engage in. Few examples: hiking, climbing, crafts In those places you're bound to meet people and if you're at least half decent, you'll engage with the people there and those might just be your future friends

So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.
Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.
- I appreciate this, thank you, and it's not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I've been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it's bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.
  I've never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That's on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She's been friends with most of them since they were children, I've known them for the last 20 years or so. It's complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they'd take me in, but they've notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she'll be there.

I read a few and didn't see this. I'm from a smallish town and ended up adopting the community gym. Best decision of my life, saved me from a really rough time. Gymrats are far friendly than their rep gets, most of them are just guys that just wanna bullshit and push shit. A community rec center is also a great option, or a beer league. Just stuff that forces you outside, even when you pull the "but I don't wannaaaaaa"

I started my own business which involves going into people's homes and fixing shit. I'm meeting a ton of new people nowdays, granted most of them are either elderly or single older women / moms.
- Single MILFS in my area, you say...
  
  I was gonna say, the ads I see for single moms in my area looking for someone to lay pipe definitely would be better targeted to this guy

Friendship is based on shared experiences.
So you need to find some experiences to share with people. Whether that's evening pottery classes, joining (or starting) a man's shed, joining a book club, joining a local amateur sport team, getting into a virtual TTRPG, joining a bridge club, or a chess club, or litter picking group, or bird-watching group... or something entirely different it'll work as long as you have repeated exposure to the same group of people. Unless you pick a group who are all assholes. Or if you're an asshole.

Think about something you are passionate about, it can be biking, cars, some sport, maybe some morals that you believe in, faith, cards, or really anything, as long as you feel some passion or attraction to it.
Then find events that relate to this thing (can be multiple things) usually you can find irl events in WhatsApp groups, facebook groups, meetup, etc. And just go there a few times.
I was in a similar position as you about 3 years ago, and by doing this I quickly met a lot of people, a small amount of I actually bonded with.
Having an event that at it's core has a subject that everyone shares a passion towards, really helps people bond, and it raises the chance that you will share other passions with the people there.

Crazy response coming - I’m around all the time and I actually enjoy meeting people. Living with a disability I don’t go out much except with my wife and son when we can. Other than that I don’t socialize but I would love to. So, in all sincerity, DM me anytime. Also open for video chat.
:-)

If you're willing to DM a D&D group, you can probably find people who want to play.
- That's not a bad idea, but how do you actually meet these people and offer to run a game?
  
  The best option is to find an rpg/board game store near you and just post an ad on their cork board - the internet can also work but you'll usually end up needing to vet players much more.
  
  There's a few (paid) sites to find games, but read the rules make up a story and roll dice in discord

First, you start a cult...
- If I had the charisma and the sociopathy to start a cult, I wouldn't have this issue, lol.
  
  then join one!

Help coach a kid's sports league.
Volunteer at the local library or senior home.
Help clean roads / rivers / environment.
Learn mixology and become a bartender at a local hangout.
Pick up exercise/sports and look for others into it. Baseball, bowling, running, hunting, hiking, biking, flag football, etc.
Tutor ESL.
There are lots of ways to connect with others without having to spend a lot of money. As long as you go in without an expectation of a specific outcome. Just go with the flow, be open to new experiences, and see what happens.

If your local library isn't too far, you could go there. Most public library's have events or clubs they host, ours has it all on a corkboard near the door so people can see what's coming up. If you pick one, you know what the other people in it are interested in (for the hours they're at the club or event anyway) and you can use that as a starting point. If one club or event doesn't work for you, try a different one next time, you'll most likely meet a whole new bunch of people with a different topic of interest.

Organized hobbies have been the key for me. Gives me a place to go, forces me to be minimally social, but can allow for multiple events so the pressure is reduced to make the most of every outing. Plus you have something else you’re enjoying. Everyone’s recommendations of sports or gaming falls right in line with this. But I have other hobbies I love like woodworking that I can find places to take classes and meet people. The other benefit is the more you do it the more you get used to be out among people again and it can be less awkward/anxiety inducing.

It tends to be pretty random. I'd say just maximize opportunity by doing more things that involve other people. In my experience I'd say about 95% of my attempts to meet people, whether that be for friends or dating, go nowhere. Then of the remaining 5%, only 10% of that lasts longer than a year. So 99.5% of your efforts will be unrewarded or only slightly rewarded.
So what can you do that involves other people? Meetups, volunteer, find an activity like climbing or trivia or whatever. It depends on your area. Since you're in a rural area there won't be much but take what you can get. Of course there's a wide variety of rural areas, but there's usually some activity prevalent in the area. Golf? Hiking? Hunting? Find wherever those people hang out and go hang out there.

I work from home, made a discord for other people that work from home, posted it on reddit in the town I live in, and ended up making friends that way.
Unfortunately, you have to go out of your way to make friends the older you get. But I don't think it's an insurmountable obstacle. Just gotta find people who share common interests.

Social events like bars and raves are an option. You'll find people who just want to get shit faced, but also social people. Volunteer work has a lot of people you can interact with and eventually become friends with. Game places are another option as mentioned. Video games as well. If you have a dog, parks are a way to start conversations and meet people.

Co-ed sports league - even something non-athletic like kickball, esports, or board games.

Join a "fun league" sports team, take a community arts course, go to church, work for a volunteer organization, just to name a few ideas.

Most of the friends I've made after age 22 were people I worked with or people I met through dating apps. We'd go out and decide we didn't want to date, but we liked each other enough to form friendships. The friend who I'm hanging out with next week is a former coworker. The one I'm slated to hang with after that is also a former coworker. But only two of the jobs yielded good friendships. Other places that I worked I might go to lunch with certain people, but nothing lasting came of it because I had a long commute to work and they lived in that area.
Others already suggested meetup and I know a friend had success with that. Or join hiking groups or amateur sport groups maybe like disk golf? Good luck!

I stole one of my brothers friends.

Aside from some of the other things people have already mentioned, going to or volunteering for various festivals and conventions can be a great way to meet random people and get out of the house. If you're volunteering you're more likely to end up meeting more local-ish people (like from whatever nearest Metro area the event is occurring in since you said you're super rural).
Even if you don't meet any cool new friends you want to stay in touch with, they can be a ton of fun and are a great reason to get out of the house. I've ended up having some really amazing experiences that I absolutely never thought possible just because I got out and went to Conventions (mostly anime or game conventions for me, but there are all kinds).

I went through the same thing after a 22 year marriage. Disc golf got me out doing something and I have met an awesome group of friends. So find a hobby and go from there.

That's the neat part.

Nextdoor.com is mostly a shitshow. But I've had good luck asking the locals for recommendations on local businesses and community activities and events.

So first of all let me tell you that it does indeed depend on where you live. So it would have been very useful information if you had stated where you live. Since you didn't state it, I assume it's in the US, since for some reason, people in the US never seem to see the need to state that they live in the US (not all of us do).
Secondly, I really am sorry for your situation. There's a lot of wrong things with society. One of those things is that it's difficult to meet new people. Another, in my opinion, just as bad thing, is that one has to drive. Basically, people didn't drive before 1800. Driving is the exception in history. I don't see how or why people think these days that it's completely normal to drive, or to have to drive. This has nothing to do with your post, but it's still something that I'm thinking about. Sorry for the random side-rant.
Thirdly, I have found that it's often best to search for like-minded people, and just randomly go to them, say to them "hey, can I sit with you", wait a few seconds, and if they agree, sit down and just say "hi" and "i'm [insert name] and i'm from [insert location] and i'm looking for [insert any random hobby or activity you like]". most people react by either agreeing or declining, and such is life.

I've had a lot of luck joining a run club, but there are other activity based clubs. The trick to these though is that you need to keep going to them for a while before you really start becoming friends with people.
What's really worked for me was working as a snowboard instructor on the weekend. I'm not saying do that specifically, but finding a second job based around teaching is an amazing way to meet other people who like meeting new people and being nice and sharing their skills and experiences. I should specify, the people I meet are other instructors. I've also met some people at events, like when I got my avalanche rec 1 cert.

Me too! I live across the world but I feel this is more and more of a problem in a world that people only want to stay online.
I thought about creating some game group for 40yos in some simple game that allow everyone to chat.... but I didn't knew anyone to begin it🤣

Here are a few suggestions:
Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a food pantry
Sign up for a church email newsletter and go there when they are doing pot-luck meals (bring a dish to pass)
If you are into sports, sign up to volunteer as a coach.
Don't buy all of your groceries all at one time. Buy a few things each time and go more often. Even if you don't meet or talk to anyone but the workers, you will be around other people.

I used to live in a place like where you do now. There's a chance you'll run into someone cool, but it's very low. I had to move to the city to form an actual friend group

Real ways I made friends as a transplant in a new place:
Non-staff people related to my workplace
Nearby events that people related to my workplace knew about
Meetup.com
Church events (depending on the activity or group, they're happy to have you even if you don't believe what they believe or literally never went to their church a single time—in my case, because I can't due to being a weekend worker)—ironically, I met and befriended a nonbeliever who was also a guest at such an event, so never say "never"
Friends of friends (new friends who they become with, and then introduce me to)
Reddit and other communities (finally had a redditor over at my place from states away recently for the first time, which was interesting and fun)
I would probably add Facebook events and maybe a calendar of local events, such as activities at nearby libraries.
I wonder if you're able to scrounge up enough savings to move to a less-desolate area. Do you WFH?
I relate very much to your disconnectedness. It took me some time to realize that I was known to her circles as my "ex-wife's husband," not really as an independent being, so when we split, they stopped talking to me (well, us both, because she cheated and was adamantly unapologetic about it).
If you wanna try out titles on Board Game Arena, I have a premium-subscription friend in another state who would be happy to have you join us for games online from time to time!
As for IRL cost-saving events, I have friends over, or go to them, for a home-cooked dinner/potluck and a movie. There are streaming-service free trials and DVD/online movie services from libraries (such as Hoopla Digital and Kanopy) which should be able to help you avoid paying a cent. Hiking and board games are also cheap or free.

Gym, especially things with group classes are great because even if the meeting other people part doesnt work you still get something out of it.

Hell is other people.
Why would I want to meet new people?

Finding local groups dedicated to a hobby is great. I play a lot of Riichi Mahjong online, but it took me an embarassingly long time to realize "Hey I should see if there's a local club around here to play offline." There is, and now I have an excuse to leave the house for weekly meetups, and I've met some great friends here.
I also play fighting games, but I've mostly played more niche titles that never had an active local scene where I live, so I was limited to occasionally traveling out to play 1-2 tournaments a year. This year I finally picked up a game that is active around here, so I'm finally going to FGC locals again.

Join a Discord server for your city if it has one. Make casual conversation with the people there, attend/plan meetups, and suddenly you have real-life friends.
I met most of my closest friends through my school’s Discord server while I was in college.
(It doesn’t have to be Discord, it can be a Facebook/Reddit/etc. community too. Discord is just the most common option for younger people.)

Dude just whip it out. Let it flap in the breeze.

Pick up an outdoor sport as a hobby and you’ll run into cool people. I like mountain biking because I’ve met a bunch of cool people that way.

Friendships are formed via proximity and common interests. Go places with other people who enjoy the same hobbies and make an effort to get to know some of them.

Look up local mutual aid groups 🤘

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