7mo ago

As a cyclist, I desperately need the drivers who try to intimidate me to step out of their big white vans.

Please commit to your words and actions. Commit to the fucking turn you were going to make right in front of me, before stamping on the brakes at the last second. Commit to a fight after challenging me on not risking my life around your shitty driving.

Do I "want to fucking go"? You have no idea how much I want to fucking go. I have to cycle around idiots like you all day, if you step out of your armoured wankmobile i am going to sink my teeth into your flesh and not let go. I will bite your flabby fucking tits off. I will beat you with my fists and helmet and entire fucking bike until a kind samaritan pulls over to drag me away from your limp body.

Anyway, if I ever mysteriously stop posting you should be able to dox me by googling "cyclist eats driver UK".

53 comments

Tangent. I bicycle and additionally I have an e-bike I use to get around town and buy groceries. For whatever reason, drivers I swear are trying to kill me when I'm on my e-bike. It's like the fact I can go 25mph sets off some sort of deep combustible engine hate.
- Mine does 30 mph and I take the "lane" on 25 mph residential streets, I still occasionally have drivers pass me. It doesn't matter that I'm riding over the speed limit, people see a bicycle and it triggers some primal instinct that they absolutely must get in front of you.
  I suspect the only reason no one has challenged me to a duel yet is that I'm a somewhat fit 190 lb man instead of a woman or someone's grandpa. Still ride with pepper spray just in case someone decides they want to play a game of "Jail or Hospital".
  
  Agreed. I get a lot of evil looks but I'm 225lbs and 6'4"
  Basically, come at me, bro.
  
  Am I the only person who just respects cyclists in the lane as if they were any other vehicle? Sometimes car-brains are going 15 in a 40 and I'm not trying to run them off the road, why would I do any different for the unarmored squish-vehicle? 90% of the time they just move into an empty parking line to let cars by, anyway. I cannot fathom the mind of the average driver.

One of them did once. So I grabbed my bike lock which is fucking massive. He took one look at it and silently got back in his truck and drove away.
Not so big when I have a weapon in my hand that will crack your skull, apparently.
- I use a 4 ft long stainless steel chain and a big old padlock as my bike lock

It always baffles me how brave people are in vehicles yelling at cyclists, when it's so expensive to pull dents and respray.
- I followed someone to their home when they honked at me because they didn’t want to slow down at a crosswalk that I was on

You know how cowboys have those little star shaped things on their shoes to kick their horse to go faster?
Those but side mounted to ruin a cars paint job.
A bike but it was made by Q at Q-lab with retractable side blades that come out of the wheel.
Like, really car driver? Just to retouch your paint job on a single panel is worth more than my bike and I’m definitely fitter than you.
- Little star things are called spurs fyi
  
  and they jingle jangle
- I like the cowboy theme, but I'm more thinking six-shooter than spurs.
  
  No driver dared cut them off, no one dared to give the bird a flip
  For the cyclist there among them had a big iron on their hip
  🎵 Big Iron on their hip 🎶

As a Dutch guy, I just can't relate. Not that I needed extra reasons not to emigrate to TERF island, but this would definitely be one of them if I did.
- I still fondly think back on the one time 12 years ago I cycled in Utrecht. Literally every single part of the experience was better in every way than any cycling I've done in Britain.

"want to fucking go"?
Drivers really say that to you? Wtf?
- Oh, they don't just say it, they'll take detours in order to get ahead of me and cut me off a second time to say it.
  
  This has never happened to me, once, after biking hundreds of hours in DC. Maybe you are the problem?
- I've had other drivers try to fight me before. Shit happens all the time here. My area isn't as dangerous as a lot of the crackers nearby will tell ya, but its not exactly safe either, so I stay strapped.
  
  Oh thank god. I thought you were a dumbass like me who would totally be baited to ‘fucking go’ with these hogs without a single gun on me.
- ever wonder why women dont ride bikes?
  
  Haha What are you talking about? I know a shit ton of women who ride bikes.
  Not to say it's not more dangerous for women to ride bikes though.
  
  I used to ride bikes :(
- Not sure how it compares, but here in
  , drivers can get aggressive if you so much as frustratingly wave your hand at them for nearly killing you.

I have 3 years of fencing and 5 years of HEMA and I have a short sword I have in my bike about 40% of the time. The question is, Do You Feel Lucky, Punk!?

I got punched in the face once after I flipped off a guy in a muscle car for almost hitting me in a construction zone where there was no shoulder. he pulled over in front of me, blocked me in got out and punched me in the face

Get a shirt saying "Fellas-With-Guns Cycling Club" and problem solved
- "Keep honking, I'm reloading" with a little stick figure riding hands-free on a bike with an AK.
- you're forgetting about
  
  Those are guns?

So much this. I try not to let close calls bother me these days because if I do, those few seconds ruin my entire ride. But I've been known to fold in a mirror on the occasion that a driver does something particularly egregious.