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It's sad how many men don't have friends outside of family and dates.
If that's you, please get friends. If you don't know how, find a hobby where you're likely to interact with other people, and interact with them. Even if it's just smalltalk, that's a start.
Oh golly gee why didn’t I think of that. The solution to not having friends is to get friends 🤔
No, the solution is to find a hobby you can enjoy with other people in order to find opportunities to make friends.
If I am forcing myself to do it, it's not a hobby. I already have hobbies that I want to do and they take over all of my free time. All of them are best done at home and alone.
If your goal is to make friends and your current way isn't working, you will have to force yourself to change. There just isn't any other way.
Friends don't fall from the sky. You have to put in time and effort in any type of human relationship. That is just how things are.
He didn't say his goal was to make friends. I'm the same way, and I'm happier than I've ever been putting my efforts into myself instead of other people.
In this context, the post is referencing
menpeople who don't have support from loved ones, or a small enough circle of loved ones that an issue with them deprived them of all support.If that's you, you should seek friends, because either you have nobody to talk to or are putting demand on one person. I don't know anyone who is too well put together to require company and support.
To avoid putting pressure on your loved ones or hardship on yourself, it can be the morrally right thing to ensure you have more than one person to turn to who can emotionally support you, even more than one person isn't always enough.
If you take that as a truth (which you aren't required to do at all, but I do) then if you know you don't have many people around you, the question isn't if you should seek friends, but how.
I really respect working on yourself, the lack of doing that is probably my biggest flaw, but talking things through with others can be the most important thing you can do for your own happiness.
I don't know anyone who is too well put together to require company and support
How could you know that? Do you ask every acquaintance about their emotional support?
talking things through with others can be the most important thing you can do for your own happiness.
I've actually found that process to be frustrating more than anything. Distraction and exercise are far more effective coping methods for me. Venting just gets me worked up all over again.
Okay, maybe try striking up conversations during slow times at work? It doesn't have to be a hobby, that's just one of the better ways in many cases.
This year, I moved to a new city, got a high-paying job, and have been engaging in hobbies such as writing, karaoke, and I'm trying to learn dnd. No local friends yet, but I'll keep at it.
Last year and before, I had a low-paying job that kept me constantly stressed. I went home, played video games with people online, and otherwise wasted my time. My only irl friends were people I worked with and people I knew from high school. I think the advice about hobbies is good. But fighting through depression to a place where you can spend time socializing isn't always as easy as "get hobbies," especially when you're poor.
Neutotypical friendship advice is always "spend time near other people so you automatically become friends with them"
People don't like me, nothing I can do about it
Yes, the advice is neurotypical because that's how I am, so sorry if it doesn't apply to you completely. I'm no expert on everything, so if you have additional requirements to social interaction, you'll have to consult with somebody who knows instead of me.
That said, surely the following are true regardless:
- You can't make friends with people you don't interact with.
- Meeting people in the same hobby as you means you automatically have some common ground.
- It's easier to make friends with someone you have common ground with.
.
Also, I've never met a person who's unlikable to everyone. Don't sell yourself short.
One issue I am running into is I am an amateur when it comes to a lot of my hobbies. I feel like if I were to join up with someone else or a group I'd be slowing them down.
I can only speak for myself and my experiences, but generally people are interested in sharing their hobbies and helping people love what they want.
There are, of course, exceptions, such as private ttrpg sessions that might just happen to be in a public place. Even then, a polite request to sit in and listen might be accepted.
Even if someone isn’t interested in helping induct an amateur, they can likely point you to people or resources to get started and build skills.
Communication is everything. Just be honest about yourself and what you’re looking for and you’ll probably find where you need to be. Don’t get discouraged with a bad encounter, it’s probably not about you.
Try finding a group that's at your level. There are other amateurs out there. It worked out for me. I kept mentioning my hobby (and lack of a friendly group to share it with) to people in appropriate circumstances and in the end my coworker/friend helped me infiltrate a group that's at just the right level of amateurness for me. It's possible!
One thing I don't think women realize about making friends as a man is the way you're treated by other people. It isn't all due to lack of trying, it's also that everyone has their guard up against you.
I've heard trans men talk about this, how they get super lonely after coming out. Presenting as a woman they were used to women being kind and men being friendly (even if they had an ulterior motive). Suddenly once you present as a man no one's nice to you any more, lol
I've always associated that with being a city thing, because I've lived in cities and suburbs, and I've never been a woman.
In cities, most people won't even say "good morning" back, but in the suburbs, you can strike up a whole conversation with someone just because you're walking in the same direction.
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I agree. I live on the very rural Oregon Coast, and everyone here is overly friendly. It's actually kind of exhausting at this point lol. Way different from when I lived in the city. I need to find a good middle ground.
A good middleground between urban and rural is probably suburban. Or just wear visible headphones when you're not in the mood, perhaps?
Suburban is a horrid mutant thing with none of the best of either rural or city.
We would have been much better off if our cities were built to hold people like in Europe
This is such a weird take to me, because I've always seen suburban as the natural default. A lot of things are in 10-30 minute walking distance, and the houses aren't stacked on top of each other.
Yeah lemme go to the friend store and pick up a couple lol
Oh damn, fresh outta 35-45 age bracket, as they all have kids and full time jobs that don't match with my days off. Bummer.
Why do they have to be in the same age range? I'm a college student, and the most recent major friend I've made is a retired senior citizen.
"Hey man, we were thinking of going camping later, but first playing some Mariokart and doing shots. You coming?"
"...oh sure, you can count me in!"
Friends don't have to be in the same age range, but generally you have more in common with people your own age because you've all had similar experiences in terms of going through the same history and pop culture. I'm in my mid-40s. If I'm in an antique store or flea market with a 20-year-old and I point out an Atari 2600 Missile Command cartridge, they likely won't know what it is. If I show it to people my age, it brings up memories and suddenly we can talk about how we used to play our Ataris.
Well, preferences really not so much a hard requirement. If it's online gaming any age is fine.
Yeah my best friend is 20 years older than me. It worked out because we basically have the exact same interests or at least close enough we can talk about things we like and have an engaging conversation.
The other risk is that you catch them in the middle of their boring health phase, and you have to pretend to be interested in running or cycling.
Running and cycling are still cool though.
People always say this, and then suggest trash like Pickleball and board games. I already have hobbies, they just happen at home.
Pickleball the board game edition
Oh, I wouldn't suggest hobbies without asking what you're interested in first.
Hey, completely unrelated question: What are you interested in?
You know that feeling when you scratch your elbow in just the right place to make your eyes flicker? Yeah, that. That's my hobby.
I would have expected it was Tetris
Your username is great btw
As a matter of fact I don't.
Shame.
Wow. Uh, um, can you scratch my elbow, please?
If you spend all your time at home, you will have difficulty finding friends just because there aren't many opportunities.
Find some other social hobbies if those aren't your cup of tea.
But don't complain about not having friends if you never leave the house.
Friends don't fall from the sky.
He didn't complain at all. On the contrary, it sounds to me like he's happy with his hobbies at home.
K so what if you have a crazy busy job and no free time because family. What then. Working hard to keep the family afloat has to be number one - then it’s sleep and victuals and stuff.
Then that's a serious problem all on its own.
If this is real, there are some things I can suggest, but I can't guarantee a solution because this is an absurd situation. You might try looking into government aid programs, looking for a better paying job with fewer hours, or if you're not a single parent with young kids only, asking someone else in the family to pull some weight too. And if you can't get out of the no-free-time situation, try making friends with coworkers.
If this isn't real, then why is that your response to general advice? Seems kinda like if someone recommends walking for exercise and you say "What if I'm paralyzed from the waist down?"
Snarky trolling isn’t my usual MO. It’s real. Thanks for the comment. I have online ‘friends’… or at least, human contact. Does that count.
As someone who's been in both boats, it counts, but I wouldn't rely on it forever. Having friends in person is way more... human, I guess?
Probably better if you have regular voice/video chats. Haven't been in that middleground.
I used to have a good friend but he shot himself a few years ago. It takes a long time for me to make proper friends. Lemmy is actually pretty chill. It’s been nice just chatting with people here. Less toxic than another place I won’t mention.
I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend. :(
I really hope that wonderful people find their way into your life, and you can find meaningful connections with kindred spirits. <3
Thanks internet stranger. Likewise for you.
looking for a better paying job with fewer hours
Doesn't exist.
I know right. As if we all aren't looking for that all the time...
Also: You can do the hobbies online if you do not want to keep it IRL. My longest standing friend I met over at an online forum like 13 or so years ago. I also met a few people I still hang with every now and then via minecraft servers.
It's difficult to get friends when you're a dude. There's the never ending suspicion you get from your wife.
Sure, it's crazy behavior, but as a man, you can't really argue it, since society is generally on the side of women being suspicious (and dare I say it, insecure). Eventually it gets cleared up when she checks your phone, calls your friends, follows along during your guy nights, etc.
But the fact that it happens at all is just exhausting and generally guys don't wanna deal with that.
The fact that it happens at all, is some rom-com higschooler mentality that I refuse to put up with. There have been a fuckton of women that tried that bullshit with me. If you're going to play highschool games, you don't deserve a man. You deserve a little boy, as you're clearly a little girl/boy/other sexuality, but you still are in highschool and don't have the ability to fulfill an actual adult in your relationship. I've had far too many try to date me.
If you want a relationship that is based in reality, I'm down. I've yet to meet a woman that actually wants a relationship based in reality. Kinda sucks for me since I don't like guys. Especially since I've been hit on by multiple guys that would have been great for me, if they'd been women.
There's the never ending suspicion you get from your wife.
That's not normal and healthy. I don't have that issue with my wife, and I'm not aware of any friends that do either. I mean if my friends and I had a habit of going to strip clubs or something... yeah, that's going to make the misses insecure. But if you don't have a history of behavior that has earned her suspicion, I'd be looking at couple's therapy to get past that.
I have been in a relationship with someone like that. It was miserable not being trusted and having arguments about her baseless suspicions. In my case I eventually realized she was projecting.
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You really do want to gather a good group of friends in your youth, it gets more difficult in adulthood
I'm part of three different groups since late teens, but since working full time I have only made maybe 3 new friends (not counting comings and goings from the groups)
It's nice being in a beer brewing friend group, the beer just gets better and better as budgets improve
After being with a good woman, I'd tell your woman to get therapy or get a new man. Good, healthy women do not do this shit. It's one thing to ask your husband where they're going and when they expect to return, it's another to check his phone, call his friends, stalk him... that's unhealthy as fuck. Goes both ways to, leave your wife's shit alone. If you can't trust each other, what's the point?
My wife doesn't do this, so it's all good. But I have friends who need to deal with this. I am not gonna tell them how to live their life.
But that's not the point I was trying to make. I was trying to say that society is much more accepting of women doing this than men. Somehow this is kind of "acceptable" for women to be this controlling, especially in my society.
My wife has never been suspicious of me having friends. She wishes I had friends. All of my friends live at least a 70-minute drive away. I've lived in this town for over 10 years and I've never made any friends. I'm kind of introverted, which doesn't help, but no one is interested in getting to know me.
It always reminds me of the comment my mother made when my father used to go away for work.
I know he's not having an affair because that would be too much like hard work.
But making friends means going out. Then there's even more going out to interact with said friends. Screw that.
I'm not really into object oriented, though.
How did it take me a whole 4 hours to get this? I'm a programmer too!
I don't think I will... Who needs friends when you have vim?
Friends will leave you, but you'll never leave vim.
Vim is love, vim is life, vim ..... is everything.
I have plenty of friends, I just don't like any of them.
Or just go volunteer somewhere. Lots of great friendships are born out of time spent on a shared task, even if not glamorous or "fun".
Plus the whole 'will I fit in" doesn't really exist at the homeless soup kitchen, because they are happy for anyone. You are welcome to be there.
Yes! Excellent suggestion.