How I see myself sometimes when I'm feeling dysphoric
How I see myself sometimes when I'm feeling dysphoric
I'm trans, came out just a couple of months ago. I don't post about this on Lemmy very often (if at all), but it's been a struggle. My dysphoria - in a nutshell, the incongruency between what I see in the mirror and what I want to look like as a woman - has had a profound effect on me. I'm pushing fifty, and I can honestly say transitioning is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.
I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day, but on the bad ones I feel as though I look like Quark in the DS9 episode "Profit and Lace." I'll tell myself all kinds of awful, self-hating transphobic things like "you're just a man in a dress" or "ugh what is that thing" or "freak" or "you'll never be a real woman." What a repulsive thing to say to yourself, how terribly unkind. I have specific issues with my facial hair, which are being addressed, but things like that take time. It's like I'm fighting a battle against my own body, something I think most people can't easily relate to. It's hard to be patient while living in this (emotionally) painful in-between state, not knowing if I'll ever be happy with myself. If it weren't for my incredibly supportive wife, I'm not sure where I'd be right now.
Yeah, today is a good day. For now, at least. I feel safe and comfortable posting this here, you guys have always been a supportive and accepting community and I'd like to say thank you for that. Maybe I should start posting in the blahaj instance rather than bombarding you guys with this. Anyway, I'm gonna sign off for a while, I got my hands full at work today and gotta focus. Thanks for letting me vent.
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For what it's worth, bear hug over the internet. You know, one of those hugs that is a bit too tight, but somehow that makes it even more comforting.
Also, as someone who isn't trans, but has faced issues, not been accepted because of who I am, and internalised that hatred, allow me to offer you some Star Trek inspired advice for a rainy day:
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
The thirst for revenge, against enemies figurative (internalised transphobia) and literal (fuck you Gary), can help you through. If you keep fighting, focus on the enemy, you will survive to stand above their grave, hopefully in a stellar dress. Hell, make a list of arseholes. See that one who's really old? If you outlive him, you will have defeated them in the battle of life, this will also be an excuse to buy yet another stellar dress. Remember you've got a backlog of dresses you didn't buy to work through.
It's not healthy in the long run, and I'm half joking, but remember that sheer spite can carry you through and you thriving is a fuck you to all those who doubted you and that little voice in your head who says you don't deserve it. Because you do deserve it. Be as kind to yourself as to those you love.
The best revenge is a life lived well.
Food for thought.
Edit: I get where you’re coming from, buddy, but I’ve had 30 years to simmer on my spite. It may feel good to get back at someone, but it’s never really worth it. 
And, honestly, people will go to their grave with you never having gotten the vengeance you might have wanted. There are definitely people in my life who have deserved some comeuppance for the way they treated me or someone I love, but never got it and died. It's easier not to hold on to that hate because once they die, there's going to be no way out of it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those 'forgive and forget' types. There are definitely people I do not and will not ever forgive because what they did was far too egregious for me to forgive. But I also try not to dwell on them and move on with my life.
Word
A life lived well is the bat'leth embedded in the chest of your enemies.
