If you could explain to your 19 year old self what you are doing with your life today, what would they say?
If you're not middle aged, pick a younger age, IDK
"Whoa. You actually talk to and get along with Dad? I can't stand him. He's such a huge dick."
Yeah. Your going to call him that to his face at some point in a few years. It goes over better than you'd expect.
That sounds like an interesting story! Up for hearing it if you wanna share. Either way, glad it worked out ok :)
The short version is that my father was both a victim and perpetrator of the cycle of abuse. When I was a kid, he was an angry man who would often explode in a violent rage. I ran away from home when I graduated from high school because I hated him and didn't want to be around him anymore.
Eventually I learned that he wasn't a bad person at his core. He genuinely wanted to do the right thing. He never had much of a chance. His own father destroyed him. Some of the stories he told me about his dad, when I was a kid, are horrible and sad. I think realizing that he was just a very broken man made it easier to forgive him.
We've talked about it a lot over the years. He is genuinely sorry for the way he treated me and my siblings and has lots of regrets. He's not perfect but he is a good "Papa" to my kids and we get along pretty well nowadays.
I am more like my dad than my 19 year old self probably thought I would ever be. But I managed to mostly hang on to the good parts and get rid of the bad ones. My kids will never learn to fear me the way I feared my dad.
P.S. The time I called him a dick to his face.
I was in my mid 20's. I called him on the phone to confront him about something he had done. All of a sudden, he blurts out, "why don't any of my kids want anything to do with me?" At this point, I was very angry with him and didn't care what his response was. I said, "Dad, we want to have a relationship with you but you make it really hard when you're being a dick all the time."
When I was a kid I would have paid dearly for saying something like that to him. The beating would have been fierce and merciless. When I said that he kind of just stopped and I could tell he was considering what I had said. I don't know why but I think he actually took it to heart.
That's sad that you all had to deal with it, but awesome that you managed to break out of that cycle of abuse. Sounds almost a bit collaborative over the long run.. Thanks for sharing!