Thoughts? Trying to process past experience, driving instructor pt.2
Thoughts? Trying to process past experience, driving instructor pt.2
I need to process some things that happened a year ago. I’ve actually been doing this all the while but it keeps coming up and I don’t understand why. Hope this gives me closure
In October I started the second part of my lessons with a 50 year old instructor, I was 25. I had already checked his profile online and discovered he's a songwriter and I admired many things about him, from his career to lifestyle and values, at least from afar. So I immediately hoped I would be assigned to him and was very curious: I love music and he's had a great career and seemed like a great person.
It started well but my mood began to deteriorate over time, likely influenced by my unsettling experience with my first instructor, who had been inappropriate with me. This left me feeling lonely, confused, and emotionally cold.
I noticed that my interactions with the second instructor changed, as he didn't seem to like me as much in the following lessons. He had some peculiar behaviors that I still can't explain, as if trying to put me down or be mean with no apparent reason. Other times he was very nice, he'd open the car door for me or get my bag from the backseat and pass it to me when outside the car, He apologized for minor things... With time he changed, he seemed warmer.
On the day of the exam, I was waiting for him to arrive amidst other instructors and students and felt anxious. When he showed up, I noticed that his presence made me feel safer. I kept glancing at him, perceiving him as different, as if I was looking at him through a different lens. He caught me looking at him twice, and both times, he seemed surprised and nodded at me.
He'd stay close to me or tried talking to me. During those moments, I felt a strange connection, but I couldn't pinpoint why. There was another instructor with us, his cousin. He said to his cousin. "Guess her name. It starts with so and so." and after telling him, his cousin said "nice Ann", gave me a forced smile and shot me a peculiar look, and I felt as if he caught me doing something wrong.
My instructor also chose to make me go last instead of another student of his, and his cousin asked "How come you go last? Did you pick, or did he choose?" and it seemed strange..
He offered me a ride home afterward, looking cheerful and with twinkling eyes. I felt both flattered and confused. He explained that he chose for me to go last to help avoid traffic and said it was "a way to protect you." He repeated this phrase twice, leaving it hanging in the air. I felt very overwhelmed (during the whole day) but also happy, like it made me melt especially during the drive home, but I still don't understand why it had such an effect on me, especially cause it came a bit out of nowhere that day and as I said it has kept coming up for months, almost a year now. But it left me with good feelings for days after that... and overall just gave a positive twist to many things for me
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Maybe you have developed an attraction for him but know where you want to draw the line. Someone at 50 is at a very different stage of life to someone at 25. It maybe be innocent but it feels a bit sleazy to read. Nothing stopping a friendship of course but it sounds like you both want to tempt something that would probably be complicated.
It maybe be innocent but it feels a bit sleazy to read
What do you mean? As a situation or because of some behavior in particular?
Well its hard to really make that call on just your text, and it could easily be misread (from my perspective). It but almost sounded like he was dropping hints to test the water, hoping for an opening, and seemed almost groomy maintaining the safety to retract.
I could be wrong. I'm going from what you wrote, but what are you expecting from this? Are you missing a father figure?? As always take internet comments with a pinch of salt.
That being said, youre an adult at 25. Its not pedo grounds..
Thank you for answering!
I'm mostly trying to understand what happened and give those dynamics a final interpretation. I want to find closure but feel like I need some feedback, someone to tell me "here's exactly what happened".
I'm a mess about it. I wish it was something good, I hope it was genuine empathy and affection if it was just a nice gesture. I hope it was genuine attraction and kinship... On my part it was physical attraction as well as admiration and a sort of feeling familiar. He did remind me of people I cared about... So I wish he appreciated me in the same way or had a general good impression of me, but then I feel bitter and wish he actually desired and wanted me sexually. Maybe it's a sort of strong validation that I wish I could get from him?
Also as I said I was excited about meeting him and looking back at it he turned out just as I expected him to be. So I really feel as if I'm losing something here and he was just my type... I don't know how to explain, but there was a certain "unspoken" quality to it, like his reactions, his noticing some things or some of my reactions.. there was something subtle. But I don't understand how much I'm fantasizing and how much is actually real, I want to at least be able to say "ok, this was so and so, I'll keep that in mind next time".