Remember_the_tooth @ Remember_the_tooth @lemmy.world Posts 100Comments 1,384Joined 3 mo. ago
Man, I hate it when that happens.
You have given me quite the rabbit hole to go down.i may never be the same.
I think you win this time. I spent a week trying to think of a clever comeback, but it's just not happening.
I do love me some Monty Python. I can never pick a favorite sketch. It keeps changing. The Parot sketch is definitely top ten.
Thanks frigidaphelion!
Is there a better way to link a user?
If we cannibal ourselves into a stew, are we just drinking bath water?
I appreciate your benefit of the doubt. As it is, this is AI generated. I did have to edit it a lot. Admittedly, my writing gets a little better as I replace more and more of the AI results I request. Still, I figure it's best to live a slightly honest life and label these things for what they are.
The Final Scribble: The Life and Death of Petey the Pencil
[Scene opens on a stark, fluorescent-lit examination hall. Rows of anxious students bend over their desks, scribbling with quiet intensity. The sound of pencil lead scratching against paper fills the air.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): In the unforgiving environment of the university testing chamber, a silent struggle unfolds. Here, tools of intellect are pushed to their limits—not just the minds of students, but their humble, graphite-bearing companions.
[Camera pans to a close-up of a yellow No. 2 pencil. His paint is chipped, his eraser nearly gone. We meet our subject.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): This is Petey. Graphitus scribblum, affectionately named “Petey” by his human, an undergraduate in Anthropology 201.
[Cut to Petey being lifted shakily by a caffeine-twitching hand.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): For many semesters, Petey has lived a noble life: lecture notes, marginal doodles, perhaps the occasional crossword. But today… today he faces his final trial.
[The student begins writing furiously. Petey dances across the page in a flurry of facts, formulas, and half-remembered concepts about Neanderthal toolkits.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): Watch as he glides with precision—his graphite core converting thought into text at astonishing speeds. But each word comes at a cost.
[The camera slowly zooms in: Petey is visibly shorter now. The student presses harder as stress mounts.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): Each line drains him. Once a full-grown pencil, proud and unsharpened, Petey is now a shadow of his former self—barely three inches in length. And yet, he persists.
[Petey is lifted again. This time, his wood groans faintly. He scribbles half of a sentence. Then… a snap.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): Ah. Tragedy. A critical fracture at the midpoint. His brittle frame can bear no more. The graphite, worn thin, gives way under pressure.
[The student stares at the broken pencil in disbelief. A panicked shuffle for a backup ensues.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): And just like that, Petey’s journey comes to an end. Not with fanfare, nor a ceremonious farewell—but with a quiet crack, unheard by all but one.
[Cut to Petey resting beside a used coffee cup and a heavily dog-eared exam booklet. His tip dulled, his spirit spent.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): Yet, in his final moments, he gave all he had in service of knowledge. Few tools live with such dignity. Fewer still die in the act of creation.
Okay, yeah. That tracks. I once saw a video in which an orca tortured a sea lion and then launched it 80ft into the air just for fun. Members of Delphinidae are usually absolute dicks.
Edit: Found the video. Don't watch it, though.
True, until we become the tasted.
The Wild Bite: Chronicles of a Cookie Hunter
[Scene opens on a lush, crumb-laden suburban living room. A dramatic orchestral swell rises as the camera pans to reveal a large, blue, furry creature crouching behind a toy chest.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): In the heart of the domestic wilderness, on the edge of a temperate biotic zone known colloquially as “the living room,” we encounter a most peculiar apex predator: Monstrum biscotti, commonly known as the Cookie Monster.
[Camera zooms in on Cookie Monster, his googly eyes twitching erratically in every direction.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): Evolved for maximal mastication, this creature’s diet consists almost exclusively of a singular, elusive prey: Biscotus chipicus, or the common chocolate chip cookie.
[Cut to a plate on the kitchen counter. A dozen warm cookies glisten in the light.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): Each specimen, a delicately baked blend of sugars, fats, and theobromine-rich morsels, serves as both sustenance and obsession for our shaggy subject.
[Cookie Monster slowly emerges, dragging himself across the carpet with exaggerated stealth.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): Observe the hunter’s approach—lumbering, agile, and inevitable. His strategy relies not on speed, but on surprise.
[Cut to the cookies. One, resting on the edge of the plate, wobbles ever so slightly.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): The Biscotus chipicus is defenseless—its only evolutionary recourse being brittleness. It cannot run. It cannot hide. It can only crumble.
[Cookie Monster rises, eyes fixated. A low growl builds in his throat.]
COOKIE MONSTER: COOOOOKIEEEE!!!
[He lunges. A flurry of crumbs explodes into the air. Cookie Monster devours with primal ecstasy, bits of cookie raining from his maw like edible shrapnel.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): With alarming efficiency, the predator consumes his quarry.
[Cookie Monster slumps to the floor, sated. A single chocolate chip rests on his chest.]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (V.O.): And so concludes another cycle in this majestic, crumb-filled ecosystem. The hunter rests… until the next scent of freshly baked prey stirs his wild, monstrous soul once more.
I thought walruses were arctic and penguins antarctic. I wasn't able to get much with a search engine. Would you mind sharing a link?
I am honored.
David Attenborough: This Ticonderoga #2 pencil has seen better days. Watch as the student draws it from its pencil case for the current task at hand: a two-hour written exam.
Yet feeds its killer, allowing it to survive for another day. Aren't zero-sum games fun?
Don't watch nature documentaries, then.
David Attenborough: "This is Snowball, a 4-week-old arctic hare"
[I pause the documentary]
Partner: "Babe, why'd you do that?"
Me: "Just getting some tissues."
Partner: "Why? Look at the cute bunny!"
[Unpause]
David Attenborough: "This is Throat-shredder. She is the leader of her pack of starving arctic wolves."
Partner: "Oh, no."
Me: "Tissue?"
[Grisly killing noises from the TV]
Why?
Yeah, I'll leave an "F" for respect here, too.
Genius. Genetic modification of bees. What could possibly go wrong?
And that's just a pencil we've known for a second! Imagine following a seal pup for weeks before watching it die.