deleted

I know for a fact they aren’t married

Do you really? Are you absolutely positive?

The behavior is still maybe not okay, but the rest kind of falls into place if their arrangement is more formal. It's weird to drive your ex-boyfriends car, it's less weird to drive the car of the husband you're currently separated from because it's also kinda your car too.

This is also kinda your best case scenario. It sounds like she's either secretly married and feels bad about not telling you earlier or you're just the side guy.

In Reddit parlance, you're the side bitch in this one. I'd bail, if I were you.

i hit that point at them still 'sharing' a dog, three years later.

Op I'm not an expert but it seems she doesn't really care about the relationship that much. You should think about the whole relationship, and not worry about looking through her Reddit acc. She slipped up in this situation.

It's not nice to snoop but it sounds like you have given her plenty of trust and she has only given you reason to be suspicious/jealous, so I don't think you're at fault - it's also on Reddit publicly, not the same as reading her DMs. It doesn't make it fine, but I think it makes it somewhat less intrusive.

That being said, if you've been dating for almost 3 years and it's not progressing despite you wanting it to and talking to her about it, I'd say it probably doesn't matter if you slipped up or she did as it seems like things are dead in the water.

My advice would be to try to move on and find someone who wants to progress things with you, rather than their ex.

I wouldn't call reading public comments for a Reddit account "snooping." Now, whether you believe OP's story of how he "accidentally" found her username, that's another story...

Whether we see you as an asshole or not, she absolutely will, if you reveal what you've done.

You'll need to do something about your differing relationship styles at some point, as you're just going to suffer until you do. There's no need to bring up the reddit post. Just talk to her about what she wants/needs and what you want/need on a semi-regular basis.

Invasion of privacy. Not cool, even if reddit is a public forum, but shit happens, just don't mention it.

I often used to lie about small details on reddit, obfuscating for privacy reasons. This being said, it sounds like she's not over her ex and not that into you.

Relationships take work, and it sounds like you aren't communicating enough with each other. Be honest that you're worried. Something like "I love you a lot, so if you have doubts about this relationship or don't feel you really love me as much as your ex, I want to know now so it hurts less."

How is it an invasion of privacy if the content in question isn't private? Literally the only thing private is the link between the username and the person, which OP hasn't done anything to violate.
(I'm assuming OP only looked up the public info, not logging into D's account)
- That's like saying "how is it an invasion of privacy to stalk someone? They were walking around on public streets the whole day!". It's more about consent and gut feeling IMO. She didn't choose to share her Reddit name with OP and seemed not to want him to know.
  Not going to comment on anything else that's happening here, just wanted to respond to that one point

Please read up on attachment styles.

You are describing a very insecure relationship.

You, most likely are somewhat anxious/ambivalent and she is likely avoidant to some degree.

You will not be happy if you feel like you have to continue like this. You need to set boundaries, clearly defined. If she can't work with them, that is a clue things need to change.

There's a very good book about this called Attached. Helped me begin to move on from my marriage.

Walk away, and no you aren’t an asshole.

We only get so many years in this life and it isn’t worth it to deal with crap like that. I know, I have experience.

She's not into you bro. Time to move on.

In my opinion you should let her go. It looks like you want more from that relationship than she is willing to give. No one deserves to be in a situation like that. I believe if you keep going you'll hurt yourself more and more. You deserve a person that has more room and energy to spend in you as much as you have to spend in them.

Yikes 😬

Sounds like she has two boyfriends and your relationship isn't going anywhere. You need to talk with her and have a make it or break it conversation about the two of you and her relationship with him.

Not the asshole. You shouldn’t worry about looking up someone’s reddit acct, it’s a public forum, it’s out there. The “husband” thing is whatever, maybe it suggests they see each as other as being married, even if not officially so, just a theory. Reading everything else you put here though would make me suspect that there’s more going on between them than what she lets on. That she deleted the post is interesting.

However, since you’ve described your relationship as just casual dating, I’m not sure that she’s in the wrong in any way either. If you want it to develop into something more you should probably establish boundaries or at least communicate to her that’s what you want (if you haven’t already done so). It sucks to act like a jealous lover, but if you’re not comfortable having somebody else in the picture, people need to make choices about who they’re spending their time with. If she doesn’t want to take it further, then it’s just casual and you should probably accept that it may not ever develop past that or that you may not be a priority for her. If you want more, you’d likely need to start looking elsewhere.

It feels like you're avoiding talking about those big boulders, and the symptoms of that are spiralling out with you feeling the need to look at her Reddit in order to try and understand her and connect with her a bit better; not only that, she's there having to go to Reddit to get relationship advice instead of you. There are some weird secrets going on like with the car switching.

All of these symptoms could be resolved if you just talked to her.

The reason you two are staying casual is, from my point of view, because you're too afraid to talk about the big things. You are "not wanting to be caught in the middle of anything;" you've communicated that she can't really talk to you about the things that are bothering her because it makes you feel uncomfortable. That's not a good set-up for anything more than a casual relationship.

From now on, in every interaction with her, you should be thinking, "What is the biggest boulder here?" That will then inform your decision on what you need to talk about. (It's a little more nuanced than that, though this is the main thing.) I would say the biggest boulder right now is the Reddit thing; she knows you saw her Reddit, and with the deletion of that post I'm sure she feels you at least might snoop, though she doesn't want to bring it up as she's scared of having that conversation. I feel like you need to admit that you snooped there, admit that you should have asked her first, how that was a mistake, how and why it's not something that will happen again, resolve that and then move on to the medium-sized boulders, and then the smaller boulders.

The biggest boulder might not be the Reddit thing, though that's for you to decide; make sure it actually is the biggest boulder.

The medium-sized boulders are probably to do with what's happening in her life with her ex-partner, those sorts of conversations; you need to clear the air there. If she finds out that she can talk to you about the big stuff, your whole relationship dynamic will change.

- Hey, that’s okay, it’s something I learnt the hard way and am dealing with catch-up at the moment.
  In the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, it talks about how you should apologise after some wrongdoing as soon as possible.
  This is a similar concept, following this concept the apology is the boulder. It would be uncomfortable talking about nonsense / small things when this hasn’t yet been cleared up.
  In the news recently there was this talk about two long-lost twins who found each other on social media for the first time, and they then had to confront their adoptive parents on that big boulder there. For the step-parent, that boulder would have had to have been sitting there for 19 years! Imagine the relief and the safety / comfortability that would arise when that boulder was finally lifted. They could finally talk about the more nuanced things without that weight on their shoulders, that filter. It opened a whole new channel of conversation.
What does boulder mean in this context?
- The way I understand boulders is the things that need to be addressed before talking about the little things, so any tension / important topics that act as a source of confusion between you in your relationship, and that by talking about you can then feel safer and more comfortable in each other’s presence.
  You clear away the big boulders, the medium boulders, etc., whittle it down, with the goal of making it comfortable to talk about the small things.

You went through her entire post history and that's the worst thing that you found?

- Misunderstandings must come easily when you practice this much.

I dont think you're an asshole, but what happened does appear to be a privacy violation. She didn't want you to read that post.

That's a problem, but probably not the big problem, which is that you appear to want a more committed and exclusive relationship than she wants. In this lop-sided relationship you long for more than you are getting and there is some sort of chronic pain that you've hoped would go away over time but it isn't happening.

If you want more from the relationship you need to make that clear to her. If she doesn't want what you want, that's a compatibility problem and you might need to face the possibility that you'd be better off looking elsewhere to get your intimacy needs addressed as she (in that case) would be holding you at a distance, possibly forever. Three years is more than enough time for intimacy to develop if it is going to develop.

The big problem as I see it is that you have accepted less than you need for some reason that isn't clear from your post. Your need isn't weird; its an entirely natural within normal limits sort of need so you're not asking for too much. She just appears to not have the same need for exclusivity and intimacy, or is getting her needs met from the other relationship which clearly never stopped happening.

Why are you putting up with less than you want and need is the big question? Are you worried that you could not do better?

Not going to get into 'is it right to look' etc., her deceptive actions tell me eject now and if she really wants a relationship later, when she's actually single, perhaps that's something to pursue then.

As is.... warning bells and flashing lights man. Not a good foundation for building a solid relationship in the future.

I sometimes call my girlfriend my wife. Only to strangers though who will never find out that we're not actually married.

It's just easier because we're in our 40s and have been together for almost 20 years. To me that is as good as if not a better sign of "couplehood" than being married.

My point is, there really is no difference.

Once again, Reddit demonstrates how bad it is.

You only looked at her public history right? You did not login to her account and look at her private messages?

She wouldn't (shouldn't) post public content that she does not want others to see, so you'd be fine (and vise versa).

On the other hand, if you checked her private messages, then it's a different story.

For advice, go look at the other comments.

It is a privacy violation and you do understand that. Don't do it again if you want to avoid the issues that follow.

That being said, you're the backup. So, good luck with that.

I disagree with this. There are boundaries in a relationship e.g. I don't read my wife's email even though her account is on all our devices. But it's a social contract between people not an absolute standard. And if a partner in a relationship is breaking that social contract, then the boundaries shift. Should a hookup be going through your phone? Absolutely not. Should a long-term partner do it if you start acting strangely? Maybe.
- In the context provided, the action was beyond the social contract OP committed to.
It is a privacy violation and you do understand that.
I disagree. Public posts are...public. Why would it be any more of a privacy violation than a total stranger reading it?
People have a right to privacy. People do not have a right to not be linked to their own public actions.
- Public posts are public, but this wasn't a public pursuit. The method used was the violation.
  When someone asks if you can fix their phone, you agree and they offer it to you, the social contract/agreement established is you trying to fix it. If you do anything else on their phone other than what was agreed upon, it is a violation of privacy.
  Same here and in any professional situation where remote assistance is used. Any action beyond that which is necessary is a violation of privacy.

I know for a fact they aren’t married, so I’m concerned on why she would type out her post this way, and has damaged my trust.

Probably to try and maintain a degree of anonymity, which she was clearly right to do.. The fact that you only found out by violating her privacy and wishes, and are still able to claim that it is your trust that has been damaged says it all really.

Either way, we only have your side of the story, which really isn't great as it is but is enough to show you're clearly not communicating well (or at all) with each other, and if you can't do that, the relationship will never work (is it even a relationship? In title she's your SO, then it very quickly turns to just dating and it being "a casual sort of matter", sounds very noncommittal already, which is fine if everyone involved is aware, but then definitely doesn't justify this kind of spying bullshit).

I keep seeing 'violation of privacy' being thrown around here, but what privacy was actually violated?
The posts are publicly accessible to all. You and I could read them if we so wanted to.